In Time

Author's Note: I hope you enjoy this story! I think my brain's been trying to pull this one together for a while. Fair warning- there is a lot of building up in this and it may be considered quite long for one coupling but I think it is worth it! Please feel free to comment, thank you and enjoy!

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Shanna stretched out her legs. They were sore from sitting criss-cross and from sitting on the hard surface below her. She felt her knee click just slightly. She turned her neck to the side to try and stop the small ache there. Sitting on the dirty, peeling wood floor of a half-shack was not the most comfortable thing in the entire world.

They came there often. She, Todd, and Simon (also called Fish by his two buddies.)

Simon looked out at the river just over the hill crest, down into the darkness of the trees, skeletal now, but soon to be revived as warmer weather was peeking its head out.

Simon was a self-inflicted philosophizer, with blue eyes like pools, so deep and yet so clear that to stare too long into them might cause one to want to step a toe in. Unfortunately none really had. None had really reached his heart. He often felt like a beverage additive, mixed in, hoping that no one noticed the taste was off.

He was oblivious however, because Shanna was so deeply in love with Simon that she feared she'd never be able to say it. His every move, the way he smiled a little smile when someone said something he knew to be incorrect but was too polite to fight them on it. She loved his blonde hair. Some people have blonde hair such as his when they're kids, so blonde it's almost white, but many of them outgrow it and their hair turns darker, seemingly year by year. His never did. To Shanna, it was like he existed in this world, but he didn't. It scared her sometimes. Sometimes he looked at her and she felt like she was grasping for a feather that was already being taken by the wind.

"Dudes!" Todd yelled from just beyond their makeshift 'hut,' "Someone left a frisbee out here!"

He bent to pick it up and, with a big smile, shook off the dead grass and dirt from the found treasure. "Should we?" He asked.

Simon looked at Shanna, a shared glance they had developed over the years. It was a look that communicated, at the speed of light, how much they appreciated the goofiness of their shared friend, but also how much they worried for him, with his tendency toward impulsivity. He was always after a good time. They had saved him from many precarious situations. They'd drive well into the night, talking about nothing, or not talking at all, while Todd slept against the window in the back, safely strapped in by them.

"Sure," Shanna said, standing slowly and smiling Todd's way.

"Okay," Simon replied, watching Shanna and then making his way over to Todd.

The trio walked to the larger expanse of grass beside them. The wind was warm, not violent or whipping, but enough to feel it wrap around them and then leave them.

"Just one frisbee?" Shanna laughed.

"Yeah just one," Todd laughed along. "It's like the most neon green I've ever seen!"

It was spectacularly green, verging on garish.

Simon felt as if he were watching his friends, and himself frankly, from a bird's eye view. Everything they said, everything they did, it was all so familiar. They had come here a thousand times, adding things to their little home away from home, where they would spend hours outside doing nothing at all, doing something that would last in their memories forever, cherished, or doing something completely stupid that probably should have been avoided in the first place.

That was then, though, when summer meant more freedom. Now that college had started it was all so very, very different. They had all stayed in state but had chosen different paths. Todd was going for a Marketing degree at a school hours away. Shanna was here; she was not enrolled in college yet. If she ever would, none of them really knew. She worked at a thrift shop and worked some hours caring for the elderly. Simon was enrolled in state college. It had become a misery for him. His roommate was an obnoxious asshole. He was nothing like the two friends he had beside him. Said roommate had girl after girl over. Simon could hardly enter the room at all despite his protests, let alone do his work or rest. So, a lot of his time was spent meandering around campus, eating whatever campus had to offer, drinking lots of coffee, and staring out at the manicured lawns.

This was supposed to be the best time of his life. So far it hadn't been. He found it ironic that some say high school is the best time of your life, and yet, so is college. He thought, Those are the people who aren't like me- those are the people that feel happy all the time, or if not happy all the time, they don't feel like I do, kind of empty, kind of like tv static walking around and taking up space.

"Let's play," Simon said, somewhat authoritatively.

The way he spoke didn't sit well with Shanna. Something was different about Simon, she could feel it in her bones like an ache, like a mineral deficiency. Watching as his eyes seemed to soften into some kind of dull resolve, she decided that she had to do it. She had to speak to Simon; otherwise her greatest fear may come true - she could lose Simon to the wind.

"Yeah! Let's play. Form a triangle. We'll try our best not to drop it," Shanna says. She nudges Simon with her shoulder in a playful way, something she's done a million times before. Simon knew what it meant. It said, come on, play, and stop being so serious goddammit.

They did so. It wasn't a large triangle. This was to be an easy and casual game.

Todd gave the first toss, gently sailing it effortlessly through the air as if he were an ultimate pro. Shannon caught it, but just. She smiled. This was fun. Fun. That was something she didn't get enough of. Between the boredom of sitting and waiting to check people out at the thrift store, casually inspecting their found items, and caring for her two elderly patients Thursday and Friday, she didn't do much else. She loved visiting Al and Betsy. They were both kind, and had a million and a half stories. Some were interesting, others not as much. But caring for them, making sure they had what they needed, being someone to talk to, it made her feel better.

Besides that, she was at home. Still living with Mom and Dad had its perks, as well as its downsides. Her parents were good parents. She felt lucky in that respect, and was happy for them that they'd found each other. They were still so in love after all these years that she sometimes felt like a third wheel. They weren't often home, having jobs of their own. When they were home, sometimes they'd have dinner together, often not. They went about their lives with ease.

Shanna tossed the frisbee to Simon, rather pathetically. It drifted and then, as a frisbee does, seemed to be warped by the wind, landing proudly a couple feet from Simon's.

"Good try," Simon teased jokingly. He tossed it toward Todd. It was a low-sloping toss but Todd dipped to catch it.

"You're down one Shanna!" Todd calls.

"Hey, give me a break! You guys know I'm no good at this!" This is so fun, Shanna thought. She could feel the breeze against her skin, moving her clothes just slightly against her body and messing her hair about.

Another try. Todd sends it and Shanna catches it again, having to jump up just to the left.

"Ha! Got it," She smiles.

Simon could feel warmth within him. It was a warmth of happiness for his friends. There was that problem again though, it was for his friends, not... not really for him.

Shanna turned toward Simon, giving him a goofy stare down, communicating that she was focusing with all her might to shoot it straight, but she couldn't keep up the facade and laughed. She tossed it and, with an adequate swing, it went a little low, but Simon caught it. He held it in his hands, and looked down at it for a moment, maybe a moment too long, but threw it again to Todd, who caught it yet again.

They played until the sky filled with a bold purple and a deep orange, softly ushering in nighttime. They talked about old things. Old jokes, old times, the time Shanna spilled hot coffee all over herself, the time Todd got stuck in an elevator, (and also in a tire--) the time Simon gave his best debate speech and the whole room had clapped. They shared secrets about what life had become for them. Todd said that he found his professor to be 'a babe,' and that he wished she would step down from the podium. He said he was making new friends and that they were thinking of starting a band, but were having trouble coming up with names and, and with finding a decent bassist.

"We're thinking of 'Sociopot."

His friends laughed.

Shanna said, "I miss you guys."

The air hung heavy and still for a moment, as they all felt it. They all felt that way, and it was sad because they didn't know how much longer it would be until they could see each other next. They weren't necessarily afraid of losing the friendship. It's just that it wasn't going to be like this forever; it wasn't going to be here- where the little river made its way through, where the trees hugged said river, where the golden hills changed with the season, but the hut stayed the same-- at least, it withstood the test of time so far. Simon thought of it being destroyed, or simply eroding, and he felt like crying. I am a fool, he thought. Little did he know, they were all thinking the same thing.

"Miss you too Shan," Todd said, wrapping her in a quick shoulder hug. He sighed. "Time sure flies, doesn't it?"

"It does," Simon said.

There it was. There was that tone again. Shanna didn't like it. She looked at Todd. He seemed oblivious. That was a fault of his. He had so many strengths. If he knew you were in a rough spot, he could turn night into day, could trigger your funny bone by taking you out and getting you to laugh at something stupid- often something stupid that he, himself, did. He was always down to go to the local Chinese buffet. Yet, he didn't detect anything. Shanna felt glad she was there.

"Let's see each other again soon, really. This was nice. I know people say 'Let's do it again soon, blah blah blah,' but I really, really mean it. My Fish and my crazy Todd." She laughed, but she wanted to cry.

Simon was nicknamed Fish because once, while in a flower shop, they had discovered a small koi pond toward the back, behind all of the blossoms. He loved creatures big and small. Without hesitation he pointed down and, in a surprising display of enthusiasm for him, declared, "Fish! Guys, look! Fish!" Thus, the nickname stuck. They never said it around other people. It stayed just between them.

"I agree." Todd said.

"Me too," Simon replied, and smiled a smile which felt significant, if a bit forced.

"I have to go though, guys. It's already way past when I was supposed to leave. I gotta get back so I can go to class in the morning," He paused. "Or not." He winked.

"Go to class, Todd. I have no idea how many fucking times I've said it to you but I'll say it again," Shanna instructed gently.

"Okay, okay!" He threw his hands up. "Bye, Fish. See ya' round, clown."

"See ya, man. Drive safe. We'll do it again," Simon said. It was the words he was supposed to say. He meant them but they seemed so far away, like everything was already a memory and he was trying to close his eyes and picture it.

"Will do." Todd gave them both brief hugs and, with a look and wave over the shoulder, headed for his car at the ridge, a beat-up blue jeep barely hanging on.

Simon and Shanna watched him walk away, as the night grew closer around them.

As they watched him pull away, his brake lights turning red and his headlights coming on, pulling off into the distance, Shanna felt butterflies swirling in her stomach. She felt herself blush. With every encounter, every chance she'd had to see Simon recently, he had just become more and more desirable, more and more of a man, and less of the boy she'd known, the boy she'd loved.

She had tried, with other guys, and liked some of them, lusted for some of them. There had been good sex and moments of thinking something would develop from nothing but, in the end, there was just Simon, always Simon.

He turned to her. "Well," he said, in his way, his way that drove her mad, "Guess you'll be wanting to leave yourself. We all have lives now," he said, raising his arms in mock disbelief.

"No," she said, simply and soundly. She had no idea what she was doing or why she said that, why she said it like that.

"No? Okay, I can stay," He replied, questioningly.

"I was... I was wondering if maybe you just wanted to hang out for a little longer? To talk? Honestly, Fish my life is a fucking bore right now," Shanna sighed.

"Sure. We can go sit in my car if you want, it's starting to get cold out here."

The thought of sitting with just him in his car made her nervous. It was strange that it did because it had happened so many times before. Many times they had been alone in his car, many times had driven through the night together, but this felt different. It was because she wanted him, now more than ever, she really and truly did, and knew that if nothing happened, if nothing happened that night, it never would. The thought made her sad, but at least she'd know, at least she could move on and get over her lovelorn years and find happiness elsewhere.

She'd tried to suggest her feelings, tried to tease him a little over the years. She once dressed to the nines, red lipstick, little black dress and everything and had bent over him softly, so he could see her bust as she reached for something behind him, lingering for just a moment too long, but nothing had happened. She felt stupid after that, stupid and cowardly. At this point, she fully accepted the likely result of this night. Nothing. However, she had to know, and, more than that, she wanted to make sure her friend, who she cared about regardless, was okay.

"Yeah, that sounds good." She rubbed her arms for warmth, indicating the chill in the air.

Simon had a thought. She looks nice. It was the first thought he'd had in a long time that didn't seem as though it were another's; it was a thought that felt genuine. It made him pause for a moment. It's not as if he'd never realized that Shanna was pretty. He'd had that thought many times, it was just that he'd never thought of her as anything more than a friend. He thought she was a little out of his league in a way, and, beyond that, having spent their formative highschool years together as buddies, he knew her in that way, in a jovial way, not in a... sexy way. Yet, as he looked at her, he thought she looked different.

He quickly dismissed those thoughts and, gesturing toward his car, the pair trudged up the hill and took their seats.

As she stepped in, she reveled in the familiar smell. She adored this car. It was an old '79 BMW 320. Simon's father had faithfully restored and maintained it, year after year, until he passed. Simon had done the same ever since. Whenever she got a chance to be in it she felt like she was somewhere else, in another decade.

Simon's father was... well, not a father. To be honest, he was a real prick. She hated the way he treated Simon over the years- he was an addict and had a mean temper. He was occasionally funny, in a crude way, but other than that, Shanna didn't see any redeeming qualities in the man. Simon didn't talk much about it.

She had tried to help, to encourage him to talk to counselors, with her, to do this and to do that, but, after a few thwarted attempts and realizing, dejectedly, that the system is a bit broken to say the least, she had to accept that Simon would have to survive how he saw fit. But he had them. He... had her, all the while.

"Simon," she asked, "are you... okay?" She turned toward him with openness.

Simon felt called out, felt seen, felt like a bug wriggling under a magnifying glass. Shanna did this. She did it a lot. He used to hate it, but now, he understood it- he saw that he was someone who at times did need to be looked at closely, assessed for damage and mended with paste.

"I'm... okay."

"No, you're not. Fish, talk to me," Shanna pleaded.

"Okay," He said, looking down. The darkness surrounded them felt like a blanket.

"School is just not... well, it's just not great. You know me, Shanna. Everything has to be... special to make me feel something. I can't just enjoy the day to day, I can't just enjoy things. Nothing that I do now makes me feel happy." He looked scared, as he furrowed his brow and traced the wheel of the car.

Shanna felt a little pain when he talked about 'special.' Maybe she just... wasn't special, all these years. She still wanted to be as helpful as she could, though.

"So, you're down. More down than other times, maybe. I can feel it from you. It's ok, Fish. Things are going to be okay. It's hard, you know? I'm not in college, but I think it can be really hard adjusting to things. People just don't talk about it but I don't know why. You'll be fine though, just hang in there. You're so smart. You'll get your stride. Besides, you have me. You have Todd. It's not like we're falling off the face of the planet. And-- and you'll meet some girl, some lucky girl and you'll have a great time." She choked back tears. Fish, her Fish, with a girl, a lucky girl, who he really loved.

The words tore Simon open like removing the lid of a soup can. His heart, beneath the rubble, felt a beat, and in that moment he found himself thinking again, She's so pretty. He felt confused, and suddenly nervous.

He remembered her that night at that party. She looked so good, and when she went to bend over him like she had... He remembered the lust that swelled in him. That night he was sure she had dressed to impress someone, at least he thought so, as she usually wore modest clothing, usually black.

Now as he looked over at her, he noticed the shine in her light auburn hair, the deepness in her forest green eyes. She had a curvaceous body, an hourglass shape. Touchable, squeezable... he thought. He was completely shocked by his feelings, growing steadily. He felt almost idiotic.

He had been so hung up on Holly, all throughout highschool. Just the thought of her long tanned legs clicking down the hallway, laughing with her friends, the occasional glance she'd give him, the times they'd talked some in the library, made him swoon to this day. He remembered her perfume, sweet like strawberries, juvenile. She was just far away enough and just non-threatening enough to occupy his daydreams while he did other things, like goof around with his friends.

Looking at Shanna now, Simon realized he had been longing for a dim, wavering mirage, when a waterfall was flowing just next to him. Still, he thought that the waterfall was not for him, that it was too beautiful. He could watch, but probably not bathe.

"I don't know about that," He said. "I don't know about any other girls." Instantly he realized his mistake. Other? Other? Why did I say that? Panic crept in as his thoughts began to race.

Shanna looked at him, deeply. She caught his eyes, deeper blue in the darkness. He looked away, suddenly sheepish.

"Oth-other? What do you mean? Um, are you seeing someone?" The words came out of her like a receipt printing, choppy.

"No," he said, and the silence hung as a cool fog.

"Who, then?"

He simply turned and looked at her, not saying anything. He looked worried, a little scared, but he, almost imperceptibly, scanned her body and rested again to look at her, parting his lips just slightly. Shanna's heart beat fast. She blushed deeply with embarrassment.

"Shanna," Fish started.

Before he could continue, Shanna kissed him. She kissed him quickly and shyly, a peck. She lowered her head and her long hair fell in cascades to disguise her face. She had done it. She had tried.