Inferiority

I looked at the kids climbing on the jungle gym. "Do you know what caused it?"

"Not really. I have a good relationship with both of my parents, and while I got sort of bullied in middle school, it wasn't anything traumatizing. Nothing exactly pops out as the source."

I spoke, choosing my words carefully.

"I'm not going to pretend that I know what it's like. I've felt inadequate before, but I don't really mull over those feelings the way you do."

He nodded.

"But I think I might have some advice, if you're willing to hear it."

He turned and looked at me quizzically.

"When I was in college I had a boyfriend, and we started out really great. We made each other feel good and worked as a team, but things turned sour. He became more critical of me, pointing out my flaws and what I needed to improve on. I started out thinking that he was being constructive, trying to help me. It gradually turned into something else."

I looked down at the mulch at my feet.

"I don't know if he was conscious about it, but he started using putting me down as a way to cope with his own insecurities. He thought that as long as he was able to point out my flaws, he didn't have to think about his own. And the weird thing about it is that it didn't really feel like he was abusing me. When he told me that it looked like I was tripping up on the court, I wanted to improve because I wanted to please him. He had helped me through some hard times and I wanted to do better.

"But it's not good to have somebody in your life who's a constant source of negativity. It wore me out. Eventually I realized we had become toxic. He was manipulating me and I was letting him. After we broke up, my mental state got better. I felt more confident."

I turned to look at my friend.

"I think that you've formed something like that. You keep putting yourself down and have concluded that it's okay. It's not. If you had a friend who was as hard on you as you are on yourself I would tell you to cut that person out of your life."

He chuckled in a way completely devoid of humor.

"I know it's not easy, but you need to learn to love yourself more. It's not narcissism to look at yourself in the mirror and every so often think 'Damn, I look good,' it's part of a healthy mindset. You've worked really hard, but you don't seem to want to acknowledge that. Even if you can't find positives about yourself, I can, and I'll let you know about them any time you want."

He looked down and was still for about thirty seconds. Then I saw a tear fall and I instantly began panicking.

Shit, what was wrong with me?! How could I be so mean to him? Fuck, I was just trying to—

"Thank you so much, Jax."

I blinked a few times.

"It feels so good to know that I have a friend who cares as much as you do. I really needed to hear that right now."

Despite his words, he was beginning to sob. I decided to make a bolder move.

"Martin, do you want me to hold you?"

He nodded and leaned into me. I wrapped my arms around him as he cried. I didn't say anything, just hugged him as he let everything go.

A few minutes later he calmed himself down and pulled away.

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

There was a pause before he looked at me again, looking a bit more apprehensive.

"Jax, can I ask something?"

"Sure."

"I just want to clarify this, you said you had a boyfriend in college, right?"

Fuck.

I was so focused on wanting to make him feel better that I hadn't even realized I just outed myself to him like that! But when I looked at his face I didn't see any trepidation, just curiosity.

Well, shit. Guess the cat's out of the bag now.

"Yeah, you heard me right. I'm gay, I just don't advertise it, especially not to my clients. It makes things more complicated than they need to be."

He nodded.

Now it was my turn to be nervous about asking a question.

"Does that...bother you at all? Not even in a homophobic way, just, like, does that make you see me differently as your personal trainer?"

He smiled. "Not at all. I know you'll keep it professional. I don't care if you're gay."

I breathed a sigh of relief.

"That's good. You're my favorite client. It would be a shame to stop doing business with you."

He blushed, but didn't say anything. I tried something.

"This is when you take the compliment."

He blinked a few times before he realized what I meant.

"Oh, yeah. Um...thanks. It's nice to hear that."

I laughed. It was funny how uncomfortable he seemed just hearing something nice about him.

"That's a start, at least."

I stood up and stretched, looking at my watch.

"Well, I'm meeting up with a client in a few minutes. I'll see you tomorrow, Martin."

"Bye, Jax."

I patted his shoulder before leaving.

*****

The two of us kept working together, though I had long stopped seeing him as just a client. He was one of my closest friends.

Martin kept getting results, and I made sure that he knew it. Even if he couldn't see much difference, I told him how far he'd come and how proud of him I was.

Like he promised, him learning that I was gay didn't change the dynamic between us. I also knew that he had no idea I was attracted to him, and found him more attractive all the time, so it didn't make things awkward. But there was something else. Maybe it was my imagination, but it seemed like there was something different abut the way he looked at me. In my head it was a sign that he really was attracted to me like I was to him, but I couldn't be sure. That's why I didn't mention it. I was happy with us being friends, at least at that moment.

We talked more about self-improvement with each other. I asked him if he knew about the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and he laughed.

"I've read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens probably a hundred times growing up. I thought it was mind blowing."

The first habit (and first for a reason) was "be proactive." It was about how you are the only one who can control how you react to things, how you're the driver in your life and not just a passenger, but he told me a take on that habit I never really thought of before.

Martin said that sometimes he wondered if that idea ultimately did him more harm than good. He had always believed that people decide their own outcomes, but was pretty sure that he took that and ran with it to an unhealthy degree. He said that in his mind he twisted "I control how I act" to "everything that goes wrong in my life is my fault." He didn't know if that was a cause of his inferiority complex or just an effect.

I loved talking with Martin, about health, about life, about anything. I wanted to know everything there was to know about the guy. It made me wonder if I had made the step from being attracted to him to falling in love with him. Either way, I kept those feelings secret. It was better for our friendship that way.

It was a Thursday when I asked him what he was planning on doing the following weekend. He just shrugged.

"I don't really have plans besides working. My parents are off on an anniversary cruise, so I have the house to myself. I'll just relax."

I looked at him. There was never any indication that he did things other than being home alone during his spare time, but he wouldn't even have his parents to keep him company.

Wait...was this a hint or something? Maybe he said that so I could have an opening. Or maybe I was reading too far into this.

But then again...we never really hung out when we weren't in the gym. We'd become friends, anyway. I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to ask.

"Well, if you're interested you could come over to my place and we can hang out," I offered. "Hell, I got enough equipment at my place that we could do our Saturday work out there."

His eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yeah, why not? It sounds like fun."

He looked anxious, but both anxious in the "I can't wait" way and in the "I'm nervous" way.

"You okay, man?"

He shook his head like he was trying to wake up.

"Um, yeah. I mean, if you're fine with it, that sounds great."

I grinned. "Sounds like a plan."

I was not sure what had just happened. The following weekend could end up any number of different ways. But no matter what, I was looking forward to it.

*****

Martin showed up at my house bright and early that Saturday. Maybe it was just the circumstances, but he looked even more delicious than usual in his exercise clothes. He had his gym bag slung over his shoulder and a smile on his face.

"Welcome to the Powers Gym."

I led him to where I kept my workout equipment. I had a weight set, a treadmill, a Bowflex, and an elliptical machine. It had taken me years to save up the money for the equipment, but being able to work out at home was a blessing more than worth it.

I led him through our standard workouts, helping him the way that I normally did. We talked and laughed and joked as usual, but when he was done he had a request.

"Jax, have you done your workout today?"

"No. Why?"

Blood rushed to his cheeks. Martin blushed more than anyone else I had ever met.

"Do you...do you think I could maybe...watch?"

I raised my eyebrow. "And why exactly would you want that?"

This was something beyond the longing glances at my body. This had to be something more...right?

He looked flustered. "I...I don't know...I guess I just want to see what goes into a body like that..."

Now I was sure. His reaction gave everything away. I wasn't imagining it, he was attracted to me.

But he wasn't going to admit it. I knew Martin well enough at that point that he didn't have it in him to step forward on his own. I had to make him say it.

I decided that I was going to tease him a little, make him squirm a bit. I told him he could watch if he wanted and began my workout. I made sure to grunt and moan a little louder than I normally would. I spent more time doing squats, giving him a good view. I even took my shirt off halfway through.

Martin was mesmerized. He couldn't look away, and I saw a little tent forming in his shorts.

Okay. He was horny. He was suggestible. It was time to make him admit that something was there.

I sat down next to him. He was covered in dried sweat, but I was still wet from my workout. I was close enough to him that our legs touched.

"You know, Martin," I said matter-of-factly, "I told you that I was gay, but I don't think I know what you are."

He swallowed.

"I...I'm not really sure..."

"Well, you must have some idea, right?" I put my hand on his thigh.

He wouldn't look at me.

"I mean...I've never really...done much..."

"Oh, nothing at all?" I forgot to be seductive and just sounded surprised.

"Nope. I just never felt the desire to. I think I'm demisexual or something."

"Well, you could have fooled me."

Time to be aggressive.

I grabbed his chin and made him look at me.

"You love looking at my body. You're attracted to me." I phrased that as a statement, not a request for clarification.

His eyes went downward. He spoke, so quietly I could barely hear him.

"Yes, Jax...I'm sorry."

"What could you possibly be apologizing for?"

He looked like he was about to burst into tears.

"I'm sorry for making you think I was using you. I love having you as a friend, I promise! But I can't help it!"

What?

"Okay, time out. What are you talking about?"

I let go of his face and let him get his bearings. His gaze was back on the floor when he spoke again.

"I can't help but being attracted to you. I've thought you were handsome from the beginning, but as we got closer, I grew to love you as a person. It's okay, though. I'm fine with being in the friendzone."

I chuckled confusedly.

"I think you skipped a step, dude. I haven't put you in the friendzone yet."

"You don't have to let me down gently. I know nothing would come of this."

The saddest part, the most heartbreaking thing, was how sincerely he sounded like he meant that. He really didn't know that I grew to love him. He never even considered that I wanted him just as much as he wanted me.

I hugged my friend.

"Martin, baby, that's not true at all. What did you think I was putting on that show for?"

I made him look at me again.

"I've liked you from the start. You're a beautiful person, inside and out. It makes me so happy that you like me back."

His eyes widened. "What?"

I laughed and cupped his cheek.

"I've been in love with you for a while now."

He looked like he just watched me grow a second head.

"Really?"

"Yes, Martin. What about that is so hard to believe?"

I waited for him to respond. It took him a bit to actually say it.

"You...you're so far out of my league. You could do so much better than me."

I had heard enough. I needed him to know what I saw when I looked at him.

I stood up and grabbed his hand.

"Follow me."

I walked him to my room and took off my shorts.

"Strip."

He was confused, but obeyed, leaving only his underwear.

"All of it."

"Jax, what—"

"Now." I took off my jock.

He looked uncomfortable, but obeyed. He covered up in embarrassment.

I brought him over to the full-length mirror in the corner of my bedroom. I got behind him and gingerly took his hands off his privates.

"Jax, please..."

"It's okay, Martin. I want to see you."

I gently put my hand under his belly.

"What do you see here?" I asked.

"Uh...my stomach?"

I got closer to his ear.

"That's not what I meant. Tell me what you really think when you see this."

He understood what I meant and looked away.

"It's alright, baby. I'll wait all day if I have to. I want you to tell me what you see." I made my voice patient, but firm.

After a minute he spoke.

"I see a fat, ugly gut with stretch marks that I'll never get rid of no matter how much weight I lose. There, you happy?" he sounded legitimately angry. I was quick to reassure him.

"That's not what I see at all. I see a perfectly normal little belly. I know that there are some good abs underneath it, and it's been going down, too. It's not ugly, Martin."

I moved my hand so that it cupped his left breast.

"What do you see here, Martin?"

"Jax, please don't make me do this," he begged.

I just repeated myself. "What do you see here?"

He took a shaky breath.

"I...I see a man boob that jiggles when I even breathe wrong. I hate it so much."

I kissed his ear.

"I see a lovely nipple. It's cute, and I don't care if there's a little meat underneath it. But I'll help you slim it down if that's what you want."

I turned him sideways and held his ass.

"What do you see here, baby?"

He started tearing up.

"I see a fat ass that looks like it's made out of cottage cheese. It doesn't have any shape. It's hideous."

"You're wrong, Martin. It's beautiful. It's round and full and drives me crazy. And we can make it even better."

This kept going. He confessed every single insecurity he had, and one by one I shot them down. He told me how much he hated the purplish stretch marks on his inner thighs. I told him that I couldn't care less about them. He told me that he had a plain face with a big nose, I said that I loved his full, pouty lips and long eyelashes.

When I was done he was sobbing.

"Look into my eyes, baby."

With some effort he fixed his gaze on mine in the mirror.

"In front of me I see a beautiful man with a good heart. And if I have to tell him that every single day, I'll do that gladly. I want him to believe me. I want him to know."

He sobbed even harder. I turned him around and hugged him tightly.

"I love you, Martin Levesque."

"I l-love you s-so much, J-J-Jax!" he forced out through heaving sobs.

After an eternity, he calmed down and I cupped his face. For the first time, we kissed. It was perfect.

I looked in his beautiful eyes.

"Come on, love. Let's take a shower together. We need to clean up before the fun starts."

*****

"Oh, fuck!" I hissed. Martin was eating my ass like his life depended on it.

"Holy shit," he rasped. "It tastes even better than it looks!"

The two of us were on my bed, the curtains drawn. He had all the enthusiasm of a rookie, and it was so endearing.

"Open me up, baby," I told him. "Stretch me out."

He moved on to finger-banging me, lube all over his digits.

"Be gentle when you touch the prostate," I instructed. "It's sensitive, but it can give you so much pleasure if you take your time."

Once I was ready, he put on a condom and rested his head at my entrance.

"Take it slow, Martin. Just do what feels good."

He gently pushed forward until it popped into me. I shuddered in delight.

He wasn't very big, maybe five and a half inches, so it wasn't too much of a struggle for him to get all the way in me. He got down so he could hug my torso. I was on my stomach and he lay on top of me, enveloping me with his body.

"I love you, Jax."

"I love you, too, Martin."

After a bit he rocked shallowly, but soon his lust took over and he began fucking me for real. It felt great.

Alas, he was wound up tight enough that it was over in about a minute. Once he calmed down he was mortified.

"Jax, I'm so sorry! I wasn't thinking of you."

I put a finger to his lips. "It's okay."

He shook his head. "No, it's not."

Martin got on his back and pulled his legs towards his chest, exposing his pink little hole.

"You need to get off, too. Fuck me."

He was new at this, so he probably wasn't aware of just what he was asking. I was pretty big, 7.5 inches long and had the girth of a beer can. It doesn't look like too much, but feels huge, especially for beginners.

"Martin, you're just starting out. I don't want to hurt you."

"I'm okay with it hurting. Please, use my body to get off. I want to give myself to you."

I looked in his eyes and saw that he was serious.

"Well, if you're sure..."

I prepared him for lovemaking, taking my time lubing him up and loosening his little hole.

"Are you absolutely certain you want to do this?"

"Jax, I want you to fuck me. Please."

I kissed him before I began pushing, stretching his poor little hole beyond it ever had before. Martin was breathing, panting, gasping for air.

"You need to calm down, baby."

He nodded and slowed his breathing. When he bore down his ass muscles I realized he was doing a trick I taught him, using the Valsalva maneuver to calm his racing heart.

Coincidentally, pushing out loosens the anal muscles and makes penetration easier. I slid a few inches deeper and he jumped, yelping.

"Shh, it's okay, baby. Feel yourself give up control. I'll take care of you. Give me your body."

He nodded and submitted more and more. Soon enough I was all the way inside him.

I petted his hair.

'What do you want me to do now, love?"

He smiled.

"I want you to make me yours. Fuck me. Fuck me hard!"

That's exactly what I did. I fucked his ass until he knew it belonged to me. He submitted, and eventually had a monstrous climax. The sight of it made me come, too. It felt so right.

We both decided that he was going to stay the night. We ordered dinner and watched Netflix that evening. We cuddled and basked in our newfound love.

That night, I spooned him and placed my cock in the crack of his ass. We settled and got comfortable.

"I love you, baby," I told him.

"I love you, too, Jax. But I still want you to be my personal trainer."

"Of course. I'm going to help you get into a body you'll love."

He chuckled. "I don't really see that happening. An inferiority complex doesn't go away just like that."