Infidelity Anonymous 07: JD's Story

Infidelity Anonymous 07: JD's Story

This is the seventh installment in a series of stories about a fictitious organization designed along the lines of Alcoholics Anonymous where people who have cheated on their spouses, and the spouses they cheated on, can both find support and forgiveness as they work to rebuild their lives. There may well be an organization like this, and there are many organizations that attempt to meet the needs of those whose happiness has been destroyed by infidelity, but this creation is meant to be pure fiction.

This one is a collection of partly true stories. I witnessed three of them myself at various times in my life. I have fictionalized them a bit, filling in the gaps where I didn't know the facts, but they are largely true. The other two are just for the fun of it because you need to have a little optimism from time to time.

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There were three founding members of this chapter, three chairs who rotated responsibilities so they could each take a turn bringing the meeting to order while on other nights they had the time and opportunity to simply participate like everyone who came to be healed. This chapter was founded to help all who needed it, as was the entire IA program, and tonight would be no different. Everyone came with their own story, sometimes willing to share and sometimes wanting to sit quietly and listen. Every story was different, and yet everyone understood that they all shared a common pain and a need to rebuild. Tonight it was James' turn to chair the meeting.

He looked around the room seeing some of the regulars and some first timers. The regulars were connecting with friends from past meetings, telling jokes and catching up, while the first timers sat alone in chairs not knowing what to expect. James had been doing this long enough that he'd learned to size up a room, and this looked like it might be a good night. People carrying pain need to share their burden and learn that they aren't alone.

James checked his watch, saw that it was time, and felt ready to begin. He clapped his hands three times, "Okay, okay, everyone! Let's come to order. Fill your coffee cup, grab a donut, and find a seat. It's time to get the meeting started."

After so many meetings, the group was pleasantly disciplined and a minute later the room was quiet.

"Hello. My name is James and I'm a victim of infidelity."

The crowd spoke as in one voice, "Hi, James!"

"Let's remind everyone why we're here. This is a twelve-step program to aid in the recovery for both people who have cheated on their spouses, the spouses who were cheated on, and the children and families that get caught in the middle. We come here to heal ourselves and each other. We do that by sharing our stories and listening.

"Okay, let's start in our usual way by saying the Serenity Prayer."

Together, the group recited: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

"Great! Saying those words always puts me in a better frame of mind. Who would like to go first?"

James looked around the room and a hand went up. "Are you offering to speak? Yes? Please, come on up. We're all friends here."

A man in the latter part of what might be called "middle age", who looked to be maybe in his late 50s, walked to the front of the room, turned, and faced the group. "Hi. My name is John Daniel Roberston." The man grinned with the knowledge of a joke he'd told a thousand times. "That's right! I'm the famous Jack Daniels you've heard so much about. My friends call me JD."

A chuckle went through the group as they said, "Hi, JD!"

"I've come to a few of these meetings now and I think I know the drill. I'm supposed to say that I'm a victim of infidelity, but I think I might just as much be a victim of my own poor judgement. You see, I enjoyed being single for a long time. My married friends, and by then all my friends were married, started calling me The World's Oldest Living Teenager and I suppose I lived up to that name pretty much every chance I got. I liked the idea of settling down and having a family someday, but I always figured I had time for that when I was ready. I was thirty-eight when I decided I was ready. She was a yoga and exercise instructor at the gym, and she was twenty-five. Well, in my defense, I was always twenty-five in my own mind, so it seemed like a good match and for a while it was. We spent a year being newlyweds and then our first daughter, Terry, came along after two years. Our son, Daniel, came along two years later.

"Life was good, and the family was doing well. I had a wife who was just as sexy as the day I met her and two terrific kids. The thing is, when you've worked as long as I did at being irresponsible you start to think that your kids will follow in your footsteps. My daughter was sixteen and she had an active social life. Truth be told, she had a big group of friends and she went to a lot of parties on the weekends. Like any father, I started worrying about what she was up to. I had these nightmares that she was drinking and driving, or some boy was drinking and driving with her in the car, and I worried about a few other things that fathers worry about when they have daughters. So, I did what any other crazy-ass father would do, and I bugged her phone. Then just for good measure I bugged our home phone. You know what I learned? I learned that I have a fantastic daughter with a good head on her shoulders and a cheatin'-ass wife who was screwing one of the gym rats where she worked."

JD looked around the room as if looking for an answer to a question he hadn't asked.

"I never saw it coming. I had no idea. It's amazing the things you think about when you learn your wife is stepping out on you. It starts with a dull, overwhelming shock that leaves you in a daze. You think, 'This can't be happening to me. I kept my vows. I took care of the family. I didn't do anything to deserve this.' My son was fourteen and I didn't want either of my kids playing musical homes until they went off to college. I thought maybe I could just put up with it for four more years. I lasted almost a week. The blow up at home was epic. Both kids were home, and once it started, I didn't care if the kids heard me. I called her every name in the book and I meant every one of them. It was like a rolling battle between two great armies, and I took no prisoners as we moved from one room to another yelling insults and throwing accusations. She got in the last word as she grabbed her coat and stormed out of the house."

JD took a deep breath and paused for a moment to gather his thoughts.

"I was just sitting there in the living room, looking at the door where she left and wondering what to do next, when my kids came to me. They sat on either side of me and held my arms. As I was trying to figure out how to explain it all to them, they said, 'We know, dad. We heard.' My god, they grow up so fast. I had two adult teenagers and a wife who couldn't behave.

"Don't get the wrong idea. They were as blindsided as I was, but they heard the fight. They heard her defiant admission calling me old and boring. They were as shocked as I was, but they knew what it meant, and they felt betrayed just like me. I guess one of us raised those kids right.

"The divorce was quick and surprisingly easy. My kids told the judge they wanted to stay with me. That broke my wife's heart, but by then my kids were my only concern. She sees them and they are slowly forgiving her. I'm not. Her gym rat moved on to younger prey and she's learning to be single again.

"I've thought a lot about my single life from back in the day and I see now that I was foolish. There is not one single experience from those years, not one memory, that can compare with what I have now with my two kids. They're everything to me. I go to their games, meet their teachers, and we have long talks about life and school and everything under the sun. My life now is so rich and full. My ex-wife's betrayal is becoming a distant painful memory now and I see my life before me with all its possibilities. I don't know what I'm going to do when they both go off to college, but I'll cross that road when I get to it. I don't want to be an aging teenager anymore. I'm having too much fun being a dad for two really great kids.

"I know I still have work to do. I'm not out of the woods, yet. I just know my life didn't end when my ex walked out. I'm learning to turn the page and write a new chapter."

JD was smiling now. "Thanks for listening."

The group clapped and nodded their heads. James stepped to the front of the room thinking that this was the kind of share that started a meeting off right.

"Thanks, JD, for sharing that. I hope you keep coming. You did us all a lot of good by sharing that. Now, who is willing to share their story next?"

Without raising a hand or asking to be recognized, a man stood up and walked to the front of the room. He seemed almost to be in a daze as he nodded to James who stood back to give the man the floor. The man turned to face the group. He was probably in his late thirties, but he looked older. James knew without asking that for this man the pain was still raw and unprocessed. Whatever happened to him had happened recently. He was going to struggle to get through his story if he could tell it at all.

Looking around the room, he said, "Hi. My name is Evan."

The crowd watched this new guy with apprehension, wondering the same things that were going through James' mind. With a quiet understanding they said, "Hi, Evan!"

"I really don't know where to begin. This has been such a crazy few weeks. I've been married for sixteen years. I have two daughters. The oldest, Emily, is fourteen and my youngest, Claire, is twelve. They're just kids, you know? They're supposed to be having fun, playing with friends, discovering boys. They're not supposed to have adult problems.

"I was at work and the girls were off with friends for the day. My oldest forgot something and ran home to get it. She's the one who caught my wife with her boyfriend. Fourteen is a remarkable age for a young girl. Together with their friends they can be a bundle of giddy energy making so much noise you can't hear yourself think, but when they sense something isn't right, they become cautious and timid like a prey animal in the wild. She can bound through the house and bounce off every wall with excitement, but then something captures her attention, and she moves without making a sound. She heard the noise coming from the bedroom, and somehow she knew it wasn't her mother and me. Well, it wasn't me, anyway. First she heard them, and then she saw them.

"You might think a young girl would scream when faced with her mother's infidelity, but that kid is so self-aware that I sometimes wonder who is raising who. She left the house as quietly as she'd entered, ran back to her friend's home and called me. By the time I got there she had fallen apart. Her friend and her friend's parents were comforting her. She ran to me, threw her arms around me, grabbed my shirt with her fists, and wouldn't let go. It all came pouring out with the tears. All I could do was hold her and try to absorb it all.

"I announced that I was going to the house to confront them, and Jack said, "Evan, don't do it. You'll only get yourself in trouble."

I said, "What am I supposed to do -- just sit back and take it?"

He said, "No. I'll go with you. I'll be your witness. Just don't do anything crazy."

Evan scoffed. "Crazy? I don't know what crazy is anymore. It seems like the whole world is crazy. So we went and we caught them still in bed. I know the guy. We both know him from the neighborhood, although now I guess my wife knows him a lot better than I do. The crazy thing is that in the past two weeks since it all happened, I've learned that the two of them had been socializing with some of our friends and neighbors. Some of my so-called friends knew about it and never said a word to me. Now I'm trying to figure out who my real friends are and who can't be trusted.

"She moved out and moved in with him. My lawyer read me the riot act about not doing anything that I'll regret. I have to tell you that's a short list right now."

Even was getting visibly angry. He took a deep breath to regain control of his emotions.

"We've been trying to explain things to Claire, but it's hard. She knows what it means, but she's struggling. The two girls have always been close, but Claire seems to cling closer than ever to her big sister. Meanwhile, I find myself lecturing Emily that she shouldn't do anything that she will regret and all the while I'm secretly hoping that she will. I won't tell you some of the schemes she's come up with, but right now they are about the only thing that makes me laugh. Fourteen-year-old girls can be diabolical! Let's just say you shouldn't drink the hot chocolate at my wife's place anytime soon."

At last, Even had a smile on his face and the group chuckled. It didn't last long.

"The wheels are turning, and the lawyers are doing their thing. It's all over but the custody and finances. I have no idea how any of that will shake out, but if I were my ex I'd think twice about living in the same house as an angry fourteen year old."

Evan looked at the ground before him for a time. "You know, I didn't know what to expect coming here, but this has helped a lot. Thanks for listening."

Evan got a warm applause as the rest of the group stood and offered their support while he walked back to his seat.

James stepped to the front of the room. "Evan, I know it seems bad right now, but it looks like you're headed in the right direction. There's nothing fair about divorce. The only thing we can do is take care of our kids and not let it change us. It sounds like you've got some great girls. I hope you keep coming back and telling us how you're doing.

"Now, who else is willing to share tonight?" A familiar face raised his hand. "David? I haven't seen you in a long time! Come on up, please, and share with us."

An affable man in his late thirties or early forties stepped to the front of the room and faced the group. Unlike the previous speakers, this man was smiling. "Hi! My name is David and I'm the victim of infidelity."

Just the sight of David and his smile lifted the spirits of the group. "Hi, David!"

"Many of you know me. I used to come every week, but these past few months my head has been someplace else. The short version of my story is that I caught my wife cheating with a coworker about two years ago and it was all over in a flash. She didn't want to work on the marriage, and I didn't want to see her lying face." His smile had temporarily disappeared. "Don't ask me to explain it. I was never one of those men who wanted or needed excitement every night. Don't get me wrong. I didn't plant myself in front of the television. I have a job I like, work with people I respect, loved my wife, and I can honestly say I never grew tired of what I guess she thought was our routine. I thought we were building a life with joy, commitment, and security; but apparently, she was getting bored. She hooked up with a guy a few years younger and I'm guessing more exciting, and it was all over as soon as I caught her. Like JD and Evan, my son wanted to stay with me. I worried about that for a time. A young boy needs his mother, too, but he told the judge what he wanted, and the judge agreed. So I got custody of my son, who's fifteen now, and he sees his mother on a regular schedule. We're making it work.

"By the way, her boy toy eventually dumped her and moved on to someone younger. Who didn't see that coming?

"They say time heals all wounds and I'm here to tell you it's true. Time heals, but it doesn't heal fast, and eventually even time needs a little help. Help for me came along about five weeks ago and if you'd told me it would happen this way, I'd have told you that you were crazy.

"When I realized it was going to be me and my son, I decided I had to be more than Mr. Mom. I had to start teaching my son that a man needs to stand on his own two feet both in the world and in the house. Lesson one was clean your room and keep it neat. Lesson two was do some laundry. He's a great kid and he took to it without complaining. He did bleach his best pair of dark grey khakis, but he won't make that mistake again." David was chuckling at that and his smile had returned.

"The next lesson, sort of an ongoing lesson, is cooking and we're both expanding our repertoire on that. He loves to grill and we're both pretty good with soups, stews, and pastas, but we're learning to do more challenging things.

"Along the way, I've taught him that we should reward ourselves when we've done a good job. That means boys' night out. We've started going out to eat Friday nights and that has led to some interesting attempts in the kitchen where we try to reproduce what we had the Friday before. He doesn't know it yet, but there are dance lessons in both his future and mine, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

"Five weeks ago we were eating in a Thai restaurant across town. He really is developing a very diverse pallet for a boy his age. Well, we're eating and talking, but he starts getting distracted. I wasn't going to turn around and start staring at everyone behind me, so I finally asked him what had caught his attention? He says, 'Dad, there's a woman over there with a girl my age. I think you should introduce yourself!' Well, his words weren't lost on me, but first things first. I said, 'Are you playing matchmaker now, or is something else going on?' He got more than a little embarrassed at that and admitted that the girl was in his school, but he'd never managed to meet her. It was hard to keep a straight face at that point. Hell, it's hard to do it now, too! I said, 'So, you want me to be your wing man?' He didn't know the term, so that led to a quick explanation. I guess that gave him time to come up with a good cover story, and he says, 'Dad, it's been two years. Mom is dating. It's time to man up!'" By now David was chuckling and clearly enjoying the story as much as everyone. "Smart ass kid! What are you going to do? So I said, 'Okay, mister, you think I need to man up? Let's see if you can keep up with the old man!' I turned around just in time to see the mother turn away. She had obviously been watching us.

"So I say to him, 'Come on. Faint heart never won the hand of fair maiden. We might soar and we might go down in flames, but one way or another we try. Get up and walk with me.' Well, he wasn't so clever then! In fact, he looked scared. I said, "Come on. Get up!' We walked over to the table with the mother and daughter and in my most formal voice I said, 'Hello. My name is David James, and this is my son, William, although he likes to be called Bill. We were eating alone and were wondering if we could join the two of you for dinner? We can provide references if needed.' I thought a little humor might help our case. I have to hand it to him, he was smiling and trying to look confident, but I know that look and he was scared.

"Well, the James Boys did very well that night. We were invited to join them, took our plates and such over to their table, and had a delightful dinner with some very charming young women. Maggie and I, that's the mother, made it a point to draw the young ones into the conversation and by the time we got to dessert we were having a very delightful four-way conversation. Her daughter, Emily, is absolutely delightful. That was Friday night. Saturday, we scored four tickets to the ball game and sat way up in the top deck, ate too many hot dogs, and finally shared our life stories at a coffee shop as the sun was going down. I've got to hand it to him, he started out rather shaky but by Saturday night those two were talking like they'd known each other all their lives.