Ingrams & Assoc 2: Retreat Ch. 05

To start with, a phone call...
*****

Another dinner date. This time, April had dressed a bit down. This was going to be difficult, but she honestly didn't know what else to do. She needed him, and she needed what he was.

She had no idea how pleased he would be to see her, but her plan hinged on this.

A dab of makeup, a little scent, and here she was, sitting at a table at a Panera Bread, nursing a bread bowl with chicken and rice soup and looking out of the window, waiting for him to arrive. She wasn't feeling so great; the flu symptoms had started to show up and she was dosed up with as much cold medication as she could stomach.

When he finally did, he nodded to her in passing, went up to the counter, ordered something to eat, got a drink and then came and sat down. She noted the order in which he did things – he was sending a message. She came second now.Message received and understood,she thought, while attempting to smile at him as much as she could. Give him no reason to flee.

"Hello April. Looking great today. Nice tan. Somewhere nice?" Inquired Raph, dropping into the seat opposite her.

"South Pacific," she said, putting both her hands on the table, palms down. Studies had shown that visible hands, palms down, relaxed a conversation partner.

"Wow. You didn't waste much time, did you? Was he cute?" Raph said, evenly, with only a trace of bitterness in his voice.

"Theywere very nice, thank you," replied April, stressing the first word. "All part of the job."

"Well, this is nice and all," said Raph, looking around and using what was obviously a contrived bored and disinterested tone, "but what do you want April? Come to your senses? Want to marry me and have rug rats?"

April just looked at him, head tilted, expression not changing.

"No, thought not. So to what do I owe the pleasure?" Raph asked again, still looking around and barely making eye contact with April.

She could see it for what it was. A man in pain. A man who feels betrayed and let down. A man who is in a conversation because he's too decent of a man not to be, not because he wants to be. Her heart went out to him, and she realized, again, the wisdom in what Dermot had told her initially.

She composed herself, pushing her plate away and lacing her fingers, hands together, as if in prayer.

"Firstly, let me apologize again. I can't give you what you need. I'm not in a place where I can take this relationship to the next level – not now – and it's been very unfair of me to run with you, knowing that it would never go beyond a certain point. I guess I was just hoping this would be enough – god knows it was great for me." She flashed him a sincere smile at that. Whatever happened, she needed him to know how much she'd enjoyed their time.

"I'm really sorry I hurt you Raph. You are a good, decent man, just making his way through life, and you are going to make some lucky woman very happy. You made me happy, that's for sure. I just can't be that woman. Not now. Nor would you really want me to be."

April paused, while Raph looked steadily at her, but he didn't say anything.

"You'll understand more in a moment when I explain everything. The thing is, I need your help. You are in a...unique position, to help me out with something that is scratching my soul."

She stopped again, searching his face for a reaction. There was none. He just looked at her, expectantly, like someone waiting for a performance to start, so she plowed on.

"Everything I told you about what I do is the truth. Everything I said. It's just notallthe truth. Iama therapist. It doesn't matter who I work for. It's an agency but that's really immaterial. You already know I work as a therapist helping people recover from bad marital and personal situations. What you don't know is that, for the most part, these people I am helping are...unaware that I am helping."

There was more silence for a moment as Raph digested this.

"What I'm telling you now is strictly confidential and I could be fired for telling you, but you deserve to know. Basically, when people of authority have relationship issues, the group I work for is often sent in to help rebuild them. Often they are CEO's or people in authority, and most of the time, these kinds of people wouldn't accept help if it was offered to them. So we, we...push things along. Take a look at the situation, integrate ourselves into their lives and do the therapy in situ, so to speak. These people often never even realize what we are doing."

She paused and took a breath. She could see understanding marching across Raph's face.

"And would some of these personal issues be...sexual, in nature?" he asked guardedly.

April took a deep breath. "Yes, sometimes they are," she replied.

"So you are sleeping with these people, to rebuild their ego's after some person has destroyed it then? Basically?"

"Well, it's a lot more complicated than that, but there is an element of that involved, yes," admitted April.

"And that's what you were doing when you were away for those periods of time? Fucking some CEO who needs Viagra to get it up?" said Raph, leaning in and looking April directly in her eyes.

She didn't look away.

"It's not like that Raph. It's a relationship to them. It's not a sordid little fuck fest, like you are trying to paint it. I'm trying to help them."

"By fucking them? Jesus. You take 'Do no harm' to all new levels April. Yes, you were right. There's no fucking way I want to marry you. God knows what you'd bring to the marriage bed. Wait... so wait a minute, is there training for this? Jesus... are you...trained? In how to fuck?"

This time April did look away.

"Jesus Fucking Christ. This is just... unbelievable. Trained to fuck and sent in undercover. You give a whole new meaning to Mata Hari, don't you? Fucking hell April. And you won't give this up to be with me? Wow, thatreallyputs me in my place, doesn't it? Are they better than me? Bigger cocks? Get you off more? Or is it the cheating that turns you on?" Raph was pissed and badgering April, his voice rising.

"Raph!" hissed April, looking around at some of the glances thrown their way. "Keep it down."

Raph sat back, laughing softly to himself. "Wow, I am some prize chump. I just let you run off and 'be professional', not thinking for a second that you reallyarea professional. I have to ask April, why bother with me? What's the fucking point? There wasno wayI would have accepted this if I knew. You had to know that? Why bother with me at all? Surely you are getting all the cock you want in your day job?"

April sighed. She had anticipated that his ego would need stroking after what she was going to lay on him, but this was going to be harder than she thought. The only way forward was honesty.

"Honestly, that's not true. Yes, there's some sex sometimes, but it's not like I'm out there fucking everything that moves. Most of the time it's holding someone and trying to rebuild their psyche, Raph. Most of the 'cock' I see, - as you so graciously put it, - belongs to broken people and often people who I would never do in a month of Sundays given the choice. It's just a part of the entire service. There's no relationship in it for me – it's a job. That's it. You... you were everything else."

Raph had been looking at the plate the waitress had just delivered and looked up at the last statement. "Everything else what?"

"Everything. I lead areallylonely life, Raph. I have my friends in the company, who know and understand what I do, andalmost no one else.Certainly no one I can completely open up to. But because of that, I hold everyone at arms length. With you, I didn't have to. I could talk to you about everything, office politics, the whole thing. I had to keep some stuff confidential, but you can understand why. You'd have run a mile if I told you what I do up front, not to mention the office policies on disclosure. The fact is, you and the relationship I had with you was pretty much the entire rest of my life outside of work. I knew it could never go to the levels you wanted, but I thought it might be enough. It's what I needed. And, I think, what you needed too, if truth be told. You were just ready to migrate to a level I couldn't. You can't tell me you didn't enjoy the time we spent together?"

"April, while what you say is true, I don't think you quite understand that the time we spent together was based on a lie. A highly elaborate lie, but a lie none the less. And that colors everything, from my side. Surely you can see that?"

April stopped and took a breath and tried again.

"Yes, I'm sure that from your perspective, you are right. But... I don't have that perspective. I just wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with me for who I am, not the job I do or the feelings I am trained to elicit from them."

There was a moment, then Raphs eyes widened. "Jesus, I'm not one of your clients am I? Have you been manipulatingmeas well?" he exclaimed, breathlessly.

April did smile at that. She hadn't anticipated that question.

"No, don't be ridiculous Raph. You aren't broken, well, any more broken than I've made you. And no disrespect, but I tend to operate at the CEO of Fortune 500 companies level, not the manager of a mall jewelry store. Don't flatter yourself."

She said the last in as jokey a tone as she could, and she was at least rewarded with a weak smile. Seeing that, she knew she – no,they- were going to be ok.

"What you got from me was because I wanted to give it. And honestly, I still do. But I understand where you are at. I've just dropped a bomb on you and I know you'll need time to process it. But that brings me to why I asked you here. It wasn't to broadside you with this. You need this for background."

"There's more? Seriously? Jesus Christ. Have you met Aliens as well?"

Humor. Raph was going to be ok. April felt like a massive weight had lifted off her heart, a weight she hadn't been aware she was carrying.

"Well, certainly some people I could imagine coming from another planet, that's for sure. But no. So, I need to further break company policy, and I'm going to tell you what happened on my last gig."

She took a drink of her diet coke, and launched into it. She detailed the operation, the requirements, what had happened, everything. She left out the last night and some of the sex stuff – she was sure Raph could fill in those gaps himself.

It took her almost forty minutes, with Raph occasionally interjecting to ask questions. He was utterly fascinated and followed along with everything she said. At the end, he sat back and said, "Jesus April. You certainly live life, don't you? James Bond, Mata Hari and hooker, all rolled into one."

She made a face at him, but didn't respond.

"So I get it. These are bad people and they are getting away and you are sore about it. They've tried to get at you, you know its bullshit and now...what? You are here telling me all about it? Why? What do I have to do with it?"

The moment of truth.

"I need your help. I need... your store."

"You need my What?"

"Your store. I know you work at a jewelry store in one of the local malls. I want to use it as...bait."

"I'm sorry, I think I misunderstood. You want to use MY store as bait for a bunch of armed thugs, intent on robbing the place? Are you out of your freakin' mind April? Corporate wouldnevergo for that. Hell,Iwould never go for this. You expect my people to be held up by nut jobs with guns? Jesus Christ."

Raph looked away wildly, with an incredulous look on his face.

"It's not like that. I know for a fact that you don't have to have the real merchandise out on the floor – you have a complete set of cubic zirconium replacements for everything that is carried that is over five hundred bucks, and I know you have a time safe and once you close it, it's done for the night."

Even more amazement chased itself across Raph's face.

"How the hell do you know that? Wait. Did you have me checked out?"

April always knew Raph was smart and quick on the uptake. She had wondered why he was just still a mall store manager, given how fast he was on catching on.

But he was right on the money with this one.

She looked away, then back. "Yes. Standard operating procedure, I'm afraid."

"Well, isn't that just fuckingwizard!" he exclaimed. "Find anything interesting? I'd love to take a look at that report. Did it detail what I have for breakfast too?"

April had known this admission would upset Raph. It would upset anyone, in fact. She'd be incensed if someone had done that to her. But it was the last bomb, and Raph had already required some of his equilibrium from the first bomb, so she was hopeful he would do the same for this one too. Most of what she had to say and ask was out there now. Now it was a question of convincing him.

"I'm sorry Raph. I don't get to set the rules. They were quiet, unobtrusive and no, nothing was found. You should know that. You are everything I thought you were – a decent man, on his way up in the world. I never saw the report and I would never get to. It doesn't work that way. I really am sorry, it's a shitty thing to do to anyone, but it's partly what I signed up for when I signed on."

"Yes, whenyousigned on April. I don't remember signing that particular document."

There was another silence. Both sides were trying to decide what to say next.

"Well, you are still here, so there's hope, I guess," said April.

"Hope for what April? That you can persuade me to usemystore for an armed robbery? I can't wait to hear this. Explain to me how you could use it, not get any of my people in harms way, and howIexplain this to head office."

April grasped at the straw offered.

"What if Icoulddo all those things? What if I could fulfill them all?" she asked urgently, hope surging in her voice.

"OhthisI have to hear. Do tell April. I am all agog," replied Raph, folding his arms.

"Ok, well, first, it wouldn't be your people in the store. You'd have to be there, but in the back. The people manning the desks would be a private security company. And..."

"Which security company?" interrupted Raph, ruthlessly.

"Pinkerton," she responded. "and it would be a specific time of day – the end of the day, so there aren't many people around. You'd not have any of the real merchandise out, so if it all went sideways, all they'd get is the faux stuff."

"Hey, even that faux stuff costs money April. It's not free."

"It's not important, we can cover that," she waved his objection off, impatiently. "The fact is, none of your people will be even in the store. Nothing of value can be made off with, and if this comes off, you end up the hero."

"Oh really. And how do I explain this to Head Office? That my store was staffed by Pinkerton Agents? That I didn't bother to contact either the police or my superiors?"

April grinned internally. This was one part of the conversation going according to plan.

"Simple. You tell themyouwere being blackmailed. You were the one being told you had something put in your drink and if you didn't cooperate, you'd die. You didn't talk to the police because they'd told you they had someone in the local department. You were scared, so you talked directly to Pinkerton. I will put you in touch with their local office and a contact person. He's more than happy to corroborate your story. They don't want my involvement made public any more than you do. I just sit and watch. You get all the glory for taking care of it, and everyone is happy."

"Oh, and what happens when they are caught and they start talking about you? What then?" said Raph, with that tone of voice that indicates the person talking thought they'd caught the other person out.

April had to suppress a smile. She already knew that Raph was in. He was just crossing the t's and dotting the i's now.

"They can't. Don't you see? They are already caught for armed robbery. If they start talking about me, it opens an entirely new can of worms – about other people they may have approached and so on. They don't want that. They'll get five to ten already. Opening that pandora's box means they'll have the book thrown at them, followed by the key to the jail house door being thrown away. They can't say a thing."

Raph sat immobile for a second, then started in on his soup, which was almost cold at this point. April could tell he was thinking furiously.

"Who's this contact?"

"I can introduce you. Tomorrow, if you want."

Raph nodded, while still eating. Nothing else was said. April stood outside herself, and looked at the two of them – him eating his soup and avoiding her eyes, and her sitting there, hands clasped in front of her, just watching, hope in her eyes. How strange they must look to others, she mused.

Eventually, he was done and he pushed the bowl away from him, wiped his mouth and sat back, regarding April. She looked back at him, a small gentle smile on her face, radiating concern.

"Can I ask one thing?" he said, breaking the silence.

"Sure."

"Was I ever any good?"

And there it was. The one question she knew was coming. The one it was inevitable he would ask.

She sighed at the inevitability and predictability of it. Women never measured the way men did. They didn't compare the act itself to other women. Sure, they compared body measurements, but they didn't compare how the act was with what they imagined it would be like if their partner was with another woman. That was a peculiarity for men.

"Raph, you rang my chimes. Have no fear of that. You were honest, straight forward and you love what you were doing. It was done with passion, gusto and desire. A womanneverforgets that. You have no fear of your skills not being up to par, and yes, since you'll ask, your size is just fine. Slightly larger than average, from what I've seen. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Sure, there are areas you could do better in, but everyone has those. Even me."

Raph watched her as she spoke, trying to gauge her sincerity.

Eventually he just said, "Areas?"

April gave a small laugh. "What, you want a written report?"

Raph looked away.

April stopped laughing and said, "Raph, don't be down on yourself. You wanted more. I am not entirely what I appeared to be. It's not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you. Stop beating yourself up. Now you know why I can't take it to the next level, and when you finally stop feeling sorry for yourself, you'll understand why. I would suggest we keep being friends with benefits, but I don't want to lead you on. You need more than I can give right now. If you really want to know what you need to brush up on, I can tell you, but right now I think you need to just understandyou did nothing wrong."

Raph looked back at April, and she was momentarily caught by what was in his eyes. Hurt. Pain. Indescribable sadness. And a hint of anger.

It was all part of her job, and she saw these kinds of things regularly. But when she was responsible for them, it was an entirely different kettle of fish.

She felt guilt and responsibility, and then and there resolved that somehow, she would make it up to Raph. Till then she had considered their relationship – or lack of it – as part of life in the big city. You gave and you took, and this was shitty, but it was what it was. No one was married, no kids, it was quid pro quo. But seeing his eyes brought home to her that it washerdecisions that made him upset.Herdecisions that meant he couldn't have what he wanted.Herdecisions that had brought him to the point of believing he could.

She needed to do something, although she had no idea what. Sleeping with him was out of the question. So what?