- Non-Erotic
- Innocence
- Page 3
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Click hereAl took Pete's hand and led him out, turning as she left.
"I'm going to tell him," she said nodding.
Sara and I just looked at her.
"Everything?"
"Everything." She said with a finality.
We heard the door shut and I took Sara downstairs. We made tea and toast, I tuned into a news channel. An hour or so later Pete came down. We stood as he came in, He man hugged me then wrapped Sara in his arms, kissing her head.
"Thank you for what you did for Al, I mean it, not many brothers would care that much for their sister. " He broke down and we took turns to hug and hold him.
Tom had raped Al and boasted about it to Mum, saying how she begged him for it. How he made her a baby and she would be his forever, overcome with anger and remorse she had OD'ed and we arrived too late to save her, luckily Al wasn't pregnant with Tom's child. However It was all too much for her and it tore her apart, she had a total meltdown. The rest is, as they say, history.
Oh and Tom had a crisis of conscience. He left his girlfriend suddenly one night and took himself off to a cheap motel that had no CCTV. It was quiet, discreet and no questions were asked about luggage. How'd he die, well he cut his cock and balls off and bled out.
- COMMENTS
EastCoaster1about 1 year agoI gave it a 3 for the beginning part.
But an - almost - repetition of the first page and run to a hospital for Mum's suicide attempt with the course ftom there was ultra confusing and made no sense. I'm writing this before reading the next part intentionally and hoping that it will ultimately make more sense than it does so far.
The story has/had some good promise, but the unexplained last 5 or 6 paragraphs wounded it in my opinion.
Maybe the next part will tie it all together so it makes sense and gets the 5 that I think it would have had.
oldtwitabout 1 year agoI really had trouble following this, forgetting the miss spelled words, words left out, it jumped about and was just so rushed at the end
Anonymousalmost 4 years agoDid I miss something. In the first part of the story, mum was warm but unresponsive, but survived the overdose. Near the end of the story, mum died on the way to the hospital. Was there a second suicide attempt?
Anonymousalmost 9 years agoIt needed a better definition of what was dream and what was reality.
Anonymousalmost 9 years agoIn no particular order:
1) Not to beat a dead horse to death, but agree with the others that the transition was too abrupt and confusing - took me awhile to figure out what was going on.
2) Surprised Mum decided to commit suicide - would have thought that once Tom informed her of the rape, she would have gone into "Mom mode" and help her daughter instead of abandoning Al.
3) Preferred the happier dream, though the "everyone take off their clothes" and "everyone engage in sexual play with everyone else" seemed odd and more appropriate for a dream than reality.
4) I'm assuming Mike took revenge for Al on Tom - though "cutting his cock and balls off" in real life is a definite no-no, in this story, it seemed appropriate retribution.
5) Reality is kinda depressing - Al having a meltdown and needing therapy - definitely understand why, but wished the "Al told Tom off" from the dream sequence happened instead.
PS. Don't know if anyone else did, but I'll give you some stars, because this isn't horrible and I like the story idea.
Anonymousalmost 9 years agoOne minute everyone was fucking everyone else and the next minute they were dead, or depressed basket cases.
Anonymousalmost 9 years agoEven for fiction it was poorly executed. The suicide bit was just laughably unbelievable. You should junk this, get an editor and start again. As it sits it's unreadable. No stars as even giving it one star would be an insult to the star.
HunterShamblesalmost 9 years agoAuthorI didn't add any markers to show where the dream sequence starts, as it was all a rather convoluted dream until the alarm goes off. I wanted to implant into the story the total sense of confusion you get when you wake up from what appears to be a very real dream.
I accept I need to work on that idea, as you seem not to get that point. Markers would have killed it. "Oh yeah, Dream Sequence...."
It should have started to feel odd by the time the clothes started to come off and the mother and the new wife were all over each other, literally hours after the Mum had been released following a failed OD.
Point taken - poor story, many apologies.
