Inside Sheni Again

The desire for Sheni reached a point where he felt sick of thinking about her. Defeated, Nakam flew thirteen hours straight south. From Buenos Aires he went by propeller plane and hired car, by boat and even burro, until after weeks away, while in the back of beyond high up in the Andes, he went an afternoon without thinking of her.

In Bogotá, Nakam met with a college buddy and his wife. With their help, he made local connections. A pleasant series of dinners with a Colombian music professor gave Nakam hope he had moved on. Their sex after the fourth of the meals moved from caresses to a slow progression of verbal questions and physical answers, quiet laughter, and a break to share the complimentary wine provided with the room. Her pleasure built in a gradual way--oral sex, riding him and letting him ride her--and rolled out of her as she tugged at Nakam's hair. Another break with more laughter, kisses, a joking toast to ecstasy while licking wine from her nipples, and at her whispered invitation Nakam took his turn. The woman smiled wide and nodded as his come flowed into her.

Wealth and sexual success had yet to make Nakam feel like a superior being and he assumed Sheni had forgotten him by now. Maybe she took up with the coworker again? Dreams of her awakened him at three or four a.m. But what control did he have over his dreams?

Later, Sheni told Nakam she had spent shocking amounts of money to track him down. Absences from the office and the deterioration in her work led a sympathetic supervisor and her closest colleagues to find her whatever form of help she needed. Her daughters, meanwhile, planned an intervention.

In fact, Nakam found a letter from Sheni's oldest the day he returned home. She appealed to him to stay away and without any transition jumped to threats. Neither undercut the temptation to make an approach. Talking to Khol, Nakam compared it to fighting an addiction.

Khol surprised him by dropping his roughneck attitude. "It was smart, how you bowed out," he said in a quiet voice. "In rehab, job one is to break away the addict from whoever feeds the addiction. Hell, Nake, why stay here? You can travel as long as you want. You know we'll take care of your house."

"I think I'm over her."

"You're never over an addiction."

"In control, I meant in control."

Nakam borrowed from his fellow addicts and took off the edge with physical work. A landscape architect left plans to transform his yard with prairie plants. Nakam was tearing out the lawn when a ride-share pulled to the curb. Sheni hurried out with a look of terror and lust he had never seen on a person's face. She tore at him the instant their bodies met. Nakam jerked her blouse out of her slacks.

An echo of common sense swept them indoors. Had Nakam not placed the couch to the left of the entrance, he might have pinned her on the bare floor and Sheni might have let him. Their groping turned into a greedy pursuit of orgasms. Sheni gouged scratches into his shoulder blades and bit his neck. Nakam left her breasts and buttocks bruised and livid. Yet neither mouths nor penetration nor consenting violence brought either to climax. Crying out in frustration, Sheni used her forearm to power him away.

"Why can I not get off?" Sheni exclaimed. "What is going on?"

Nakam pushed her legs apart, chopped her knees to bend them, and pressed the soles of her feet together. "Lift your ass," he said hoarsely. Sheni cried out at the slaps on her vulva. "Softer," she panted. "Harder," she begged. Fatigued, frustrated, out of control, Nakam moved to her clitoris. Sheni eventually seized his hand, but not until after he fought to jerk it free from her grip.

"I came," she screamed. "Stop. Goddamn it, stop."

When the frenzy had passed, Sheni lay sprawled like a woman thrown onto a shore after a shipwreck. Smears of blood stained the cushions. Nakam's semen left trails on the inside of her legs and stains on the couch. He had no recollection of ejaculating.

Sheni winced at the bites burning on her buttocks. Nakam smeared more blood on more cushions when he turned to sit.

"I've never done anything like this, Shen."

"What is going on?" she repeated.

After they shared tearful apologies, Sheni placed a throw pillow against Nakam's thigh and laid against him.

He waited a long time before asking to get up. In the bathroom, the face in the mirror showed no sign of the healing that had taken place in Latin America. Bloodshot eyes bulged from his bone white skin. Skin sagged as old man jowls on either side of his mouth. Three days of beard hadn't deterred Sheni, and she had never failed to see him unshaven without asking, "What's that shit on your face?" The gray shit he grew these days added to his unhealthy appearance.

After a shower and shave, Nakam swiped a clear spot on the mirror. It startled him to see that no tiny veins beside his nose and no wrinkles bracketing his eyes. Shaggy medium brown hair ended below the ears. No gray on his arms or chest, either. He stepped back, heart thudding, and sank into a deep knee bend for the first time in years.

The bathroom door opened onto a familiar hall, but not the hall in his house. Nakam passed photos in black frames: Sheni next to him in front of a Christmas tree; a portrait of Sheni's family; Khol clowning at a picnic; and teenaged Sheni posed in front of a fountain in Amsterdam.

Sheni waited bent over the foot of their bed. From the look of the blankets and sheets they had already started. She wore black lingerie--stockings, bustier, choker. Impossible, one part of his mind insisted, while a second part said, I remember.

"Whatever you want for your birthday," Sheni sang as she ran a hand over her ass. An ass thinner than the one Nakam had left on his couch. The lamplight revealed a glisten of lubrication between her buttocks. Nakam moved to stand next to her. He closed her eyes at Sheni's cold, greasy touch, but sighed when the gentle stroking warmed her hand.

"You'll be gentle," she murmured.

"Guide me when it's time."

Sheni parted her buttocks. "It's time."

The next morning, she rolled over, poked Nakam's chest, and said, "One night only, mister."

"That's fine by me. It's too much of a production." He smacked her behind. "You're not hurting, right?"

"I'll let you know when I sit down. Will you ever be able to look at my butt the same way again?"

"No force on Earth can turn me off of your butt."

Nakam experienced months in a warped version of real time. He lived each detail, from taking out the trash to arguments about money to the preoccupations that inevitably pull couples apart, sometimes temporarily, sometimes otherwise. Yet Nakam recognized a conscious if rarely examined awareness of standing in his own house a world away. The world he had escaped receded as life with Sheni went on. New memories overgrew the paths to his past. Only while he was half-awake in the dark did Nakam's old existence seem real.

He had started coffee by the light of the open refrigerator when Sheni plodded into the kitchen.

"We haven't been doing much in bed lately," she said.

His first instinct was to plea too much work and worry. It was true enough. But in this other world, Nakom could recognize the difference between an excuse and a reason.

"Today," Sheni said.

Nakom heard the willingness to fight in her voice. "I can do that," he said. "I'll take a half-day to avoid stress getting in the way."

Sheni seemed pleased. They shared a low-key but comfortable breakfast.

Nakam never forgot that his life with Sheni was a second chance. He had long ago set his mind to undo past mistakes with her. At the same time, he dove into endeavors he had for whatever reason never pursued. For example, he took pride in his dedication to exercise. He never missed a day and dodged apathy with a merry-go-round of activities. Today was the day he climbed the steep incline of the floodplain that ran parallel to the river.

A high heart rate must help, he thought as he fought his way upward. If the blood flows to my dick like it's pumping behind my eyes, I'm set.

Nakam jogged home and slowed to a walk as he turned into the driveway. He felt good about what he saw after he peeled off his shirt. Not toned, by any means, but no gut and no love handles, a reasonably thin and healthy body, and the legs looked strong to boot.

The sound of a creaking bed halted Nakam at the bottom of the stairs. He had seen Sheni's car out front and called up.

Sheni sat with her back against the headboard. Her middle finger ran down the length of her sex and disappeared inside her.

"I've been waiting half an hour," Sheni said in a sleepy voice. "The door slammed as I was having a fun-size orgasm. Thinking about you eating me." Sheni smiled. "You're not going to eat me today, Nake. You're going to fuck me."

Surprise and adrenalin rooted Nakam in the doorway. Usually when he asked Sheni to touch herself, she made a face and said, "That's why I keep you around."

"Move closer and watch," Sheni said.

"I ought to shower."

"No." Sheni shifted her hips to improve his view. "I'm wet and wide open right now. Ready for your incredible cock to fill me."

Sheni never talked dirty except to bounce back his words--Do you want to be fucking me? Yes, I want to fuck you. He was trying to catch up to what was going on when she held out two wet fingers for him. Nakam hummed at the energizing taste.

"When we do it later," Sheni said, "I want you to go slowly. Slip in your entire cock inch by inch. Don't hurry when you feel ready. Your orgasm will be gradual, it'll stretch out for a long time, many ejaculations, until you've shot every ounce of your semen inside of me."

"Sheni--"

She scooted until flat on her back. Her odor filled the space over the bed.

"Take off your clothes and slide that rock hard cock inside me." Sheni arched her back as Nakam entered her. "See? It took no effort. I'm juicy for you, Nake. My pussy is yours. My tits are yours. I'm yours. I love being with you. You're smart and athletic but also you want to have sex nonstop. With me. You want me. The other guys, it was the sex first and me or whoever second."

"To be clear, the sex is pretty important."

Sheni pulled him in to kiss. Her strong hands at the back of his neck kept Nakam on her mouth until he ran out of breath.

"Look how they stand straight up," Sheni said as she cupped her breasts. "Huge and full. Like you're huge and full right now." She smiled and, biting her lip, writhed beneath Nakam to improve her position. "Show me you know how to fuck me. Lean down." A long kiss. "My lips become thick and red when I'm fertile. Like now. Do you feel them? Tonight, you can have a drink while I wrap them around your cock. If you want, I'll wear bright red lipstick again. You'll slip your whole length between my hungry lips. I've learned to take you down my throat, Nake. I can devour every last bit of you. Slower, babe. Not yet. Pull out for a second."

Nakam sat back. She nudged his erect penis with her toe.

"I kind of enjoy sex when you're overheated," Sheni said as she opened her legs again. "The heat makes your mouth soft, like when we're in the shower. Fortunately, it's the only thing that gets soft." She raked her wild brown pubic hair. "Are you ready for Round Two? I'm your best fuck, Nake," she whispered as he approached. "Enter me. Take me. Mount me."

Nakam returned to her, not inch by inch but centimeter by centimeter.

"You're good at following orders," she gasped.

"I like to make you happy."

Sheni put a hand on his cheek. "It's great we have sex just to be happy."

The slap of their bodies steadily became louder. Sheni used her hands to spread her pussy and whispered encouragement. To Nakam's surprise she trembled through the next of her fun-size orgasms. The muscles that grasped his penis left no doubt about it.

"What a nice bonus," she breathed. "Pause for a second, babe."

Sheni fiddled at the back of her head and, once her hair fell, spread it over the pillow. The gesture expressed confidence in their connection--Sheni rarely took her hair down--and he smiled. When he explained why, she smiled too.

"I'm ready for you again," she said.

Her moans turned into a long ahhhh when Nakam reached her depths. As he returned to his slow thrusts, Sheni whispered again about the size of his cock, the taste of him, how she loved to attack his dick from her knees the moment he walked in the door. Her hips rose in rhythm to meet him. They continued this way for a long time, not speaking but not silent, their eyes locked, and a flush rising on Sheni's face and chest that only appeared during their most intense encounters.

"We're making love," she said.

Nakam spoke in her ear. "It's never like this."

"Press down on me. I want to wrap you up."

He belonged here with her arms around him. Feeling her breathing. Gaging her excitement by the speed of the pulse racing under his lips. Later, Nakam realized the emotion was happiness, and that he had spent time in a pocket universe where only the present moment with Sheni existed.

"Look how your body tenses to fill me," she said, gazing down as Nakam's behind rose and fell. "You're deeper than ever, Nake. No one else can reach the place you're touching. My cunt is open for you. Ready to feel your heat inside me." She lifted her legs. "I know it's hard to wait. I'll reward you. We'll repeat our anniversary." Her breath caught. "Yes. Oh, yes. Like that, more. I feel you building up. Oh, there. There, that's it, that pace, but deep, go deep, the entire way, feel that place, Nake, it's like electricity when your cock hits it, I feel you, when it happens come deep in me--ah-ah-ah, there, come hard, babe, I want it, all of it, I want--"

Nakam heard nothing else except his own cries as waves of pleasure crashed through his body. A door opened on a random memory. In her old apartment, prior to their wedding, Sheni always insisted he come as quietly as possible, because of the neighbors. But here, in their house, they made love without inhibition.

Sheni rocked back and clenched her knees. Nakam, sweating again, stood up and felt woozy. A flash of heat staggered him halfway across the room. His skin felt hot. Sweat poured out of him before chills wracked his body. Pulsing shapes spun before his eyes. He tried to speak. But either his mind could not sort words, or his voice had failed. When one foot crossed the other, Nakam stumbled and spun to the floor. The shapes became neon-bright lines that slashed-faded-disappeared.

After an eternity, the chaos gave way to a single overwhelming sensation. He was screaming.

Water on the back of his head, a quiet voice, cutting pain in his throat, and the steady return of his senses as he sat in a kitchen chair. Sheni stared at him. Wet hair hung on either side of a haggard face that, for the first time in Nakam's experience, looked its age.

"Never again, Nake," she said, firm but empathetic. "I almost stayed. You tried to talk me into staying."

"I'm sorry," he rasped.

"We were so happy. Past, present, and future. We were having lots of sex after we became grandparents. Grandparents going at it like crazy. Years together, Nake, and we were together. But I can't be with you. My daughters wouldn't exist, my granddaughter wouldn't exist, it'd be like murdering them--" Sheni drew a breath.

Nakam's silence had nothing to do with having strained his voice. He accepted that Sheni was right. The idea he had wanted to convince her made him look down. For a moment he groped for justifications to stay together or, failing that, irresistible arguments for the primacy of happiness.

But Sheni was right.

"Agreed," he said.

"I can't move halfway around the world," she said. "It has to be you. Go away like before."

Fifteen minutes later, Sheni stepped into a rideshare with a pocketful of cash to compensate her for the rides to and from Nakam's house.

He saw her one more time. But not until after he had tried and failed.

The mania returned on schedule. Sheni suffered the same way, he supposed, as he stood at the window for the thousandth time hoping to see her climb out of another car.

Sheni could not hide from Nakam's money. He learned she had moved in with her daughter. Khol forced Nakam onto a plane to Europe while growling, "Next time it'll be the shittiest shithole on Earth." Nakam became used to the idea of an indefinite stay abroad. After wandering and aimless train rides, he took a medium-term rental on Greece's sunniest island. His mind cleared enough to wish he'd find another intelligent, attractive professor.

Not long after, Nakam looked up from spinning thoughts to see his brother through the bars of a holding cell a mile from the house owned by Sheni's daughter.

Khol warned Nakam to stay silent until they left the building. Khol drove. The friend who had brought him followed in a pickup.

"A good friend of mine is a sergeant here," Khol said. "I asked her to watch out for you. What can you tell me?"

Nakam explained the plane from Athens had landed and he had returned straight home for his car. He drove to the town with his suitcases in the back seat. "I kept circling the block," he continued. "When I passed the house, I paused or slowed. One time I parked and opened the door. I wanted to leave but I would go insane if I didn't make contact. I stopped, the last time, I mean. The two impulses--find her, stay away from her--found a balance. I was right in the center. It was torture. Like being pulled apart. Then the officers appeared."

"They said you were on the lawn of the house."

"I believe them," Nakam said. "But I don't remember it."

"Your friend took out an order of protection. I knew about it through the grapevine. You violated it the minute you drove down her street. Thank God your security system pinged me. When I swung by your house and saw the garage door open--well, two plus two. The patrol car would've picked you up sooner, but they had to take a call. Nake, they kicked you as a favor to me. With your money for lawyers, you would've only drawn a fine, this time, but even with your resources if you'd knocked on the door--" A deep breath. "At least you avoided the worst. I know you're not in your right mind. Fair to say?"

Nakam nodded.

"This situation--see, it's a two-strikes-you're-out deal. You don't want a stalking conviction. A romantic interest in the future types in a basic search--boom, she sees your record, and adios. And what would I tell my kids? Uncle Nake is a tax cheat? No problem. But he harasses women?"

"I know I need help," Nakam said. "But hospitals can't force you to stay. I'd climb a fence and try again."

"There's a way."

A rotation of Khol's off-duty colleagues kept Nakam under a kind house arrest. His sister-in-law made travel arrangements, Nakam signed over the power of attorney to his sister, and Khol hired a police lieutenant-turned-psychiatrist to treat Nakam and, when the time came, escort him to the agreed-upon overseas destination. Medicine kept Nakam steady, the psychiatrist reported, but it shut him down.

Nakam, however, had not shut down but retreated into the pseudo-memories of life with Sheni. Her body and touch and taste tormented him every waking moment. He believed he had fallen into a unique form of insanity. The psychiatrist dismissed the idea to his face, but she told Nakam's siblings she had run out of ideas.

"How do you see the future?" the psychiatrist said.

"Tortured."

"By what?"

"The false past," Nakam said. "The impossibility of escape from this haywire lust. But I know a reunion with Sheni wouldn't offer an escape, either."

"You haven't left yourself room for hope."

"All I can do is what's right."

"Which is?" the psychiatrist said.