Inside Those Eyes

There was simply no way around it. I was hooked, from the instant I saw those wondrous eyes. Looking at me with simultaneous fear, and intrigue. I think she was afraid of something. Of me? Afraid that I would suddenly realize that this wasn't right.

In that moment, I wanted to console her, to tell her that I was content. Though, the words were caught in my throat. What could I have said to her? All I could come up with were hollow platitudes, and she meant so much more than that. I quickly realized that speaking wasn't going to solve anything, and decided to let my body

make the point, for me.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself. I suppose I should start with how I got into this mess.

The day started like any other. I woke up, slightly hungover, in my dorm. There was a faint sliver of sunlight coming through my curtains. I stopped trying to get up for a second, letting the moment expand. I zoned out and lightly admired the dust sweeping through the ray of sunshine, until suddenly I was roused from my trance by the familiar buzzing of my phone. It was my roommate.

Trey: "Dude!"

Me: "What??"

Trey: "I've been trying to call you for like half an hour!"

Me: "I was sleeping, what's the matter?"

Trey: "Nothing's wrong man! Everything just went right! I just heard about a party at

Ashley's!"

Me: "You serious?? When?"

Trey: "Tonight, around 9, you down?"

Me: "Of course I'm down!"

Trey: "Sweet, btw it's a costume party"

Me: "You couldn't have said that earlier...? Fine, whatever, I'll figure something out.

Peace"

Great. Now what? I could only think about the absurdity of a costume party. I was 22 years old. I hadn't worn a costume of any kind since I was 15. What was I going to do? I started to look up cliche, stupid costume ideas, assuring myself that I would get laid whether I was an unoriginal vampire, or an unoriginal zombie.

It seemed like it had been forever since I had some. I figured, by now, I'd have some kind of girlfriend. Something steady and reliable. But it just never worked out. My previous encounters with women ended in mutual unhappiness. Sometimes it was over petty things like sex, other times it was over my hobbies or my schedule. I could never seem to find a balance in life. I dwelled on this thought for a few more moments, but quickly snapped out of it, and jumped in the shower.

No sooner than the hot water hit my back, did I let out a long sigh. It felt good to be warm for a while. It was mid-autumn, and though the air was refreshing and crisp, it had it's downsides. That strange feeling like my hands wouldn't move the way I wanted them to, the slight rigidity in my feet. All of those sensations faded as I immersed myself further in this new warmth. I raised my hands to my head and felt my shaggy hair. I lightly chuckled, maybe I was a little overdue for a haircut.

As the minutes passed, and I soaped up my body, I took the time to take stock of my physique. I was by no means big, but through an admittedly spotty gym routine, I had managed to keep myself toned. I was rather proud of my upper body, finding my arms had really begun to take shape. As confidence turned to sheer vanity, I shook my head and made myself get out of the shower.

I quickly toweled off, eager to get out of the newly muggy bathroom, finding the steam overbearing. I opened the bathroom door and felt both regret and comfort. I could breathe now, but I was absolutely freezing. As soon as I stopped shaking, I made a beeline for my dresser, throwing on a pair of tight jeans and a simple, grey long sleeve, which I quickly covered in a plaid button-up. At last, I felt some semblance of warmth again. I topped the whole ensemble off with a pair of ratty black Vans I'd had for years, and stepped into the hallway.

Immediately, I slammed into someone. They were much smaller, and though I hardly felt the impact, they were unceremoniously thrown to the floor. I scrambled, immediately apologizing for my clumsiness. "I am so sorry, I wasn't looking and-and--"

She looked up, and I lost my nerve to speak. Her eyes were breathtaking, a magnificent pair of dark blue diamonds looking at me with equal parts confusion and intent. It felt like she was staring into my very soul, and the moment seemed to drag on for an eternity. In those precious few seconds, I could see nothing but that perfect shade of blue. Almost to match the softness of her eyes, her voice came through from the background. "Don't worry about it, I wasn't looking either," she said faintly. I realized that I had just been staring, and in an attempt to seem normal, I replied. "Here, let me help you! You're not hurt are you?" I lent her my arm, and found that she was nearly weightless. I was able to pick her up without even trying, and I felt a certain sense of pride in my strength. Now, we were on even ground, both standing, ready to make sense of our recent collision.

"No, I'm not hurt, just a little dazed, hahaha."

"I'm glad, sorry again. As introductions go, that wasn't a very good one, but my name is Mark, good to meet you!"

"Really, don't worry about it! No big deal! My name's Jamie, and it's nice to meet you too, even if you are a brick wall..."

We both chuckled at that notion, and as the awkwardness of our encounter subsided, I realized I had butterflies in my stomach. Blood surged through my body, culminating in my cheeks, which quickly went red-hot. She stifled another laugh, and continued to make conversation, a skill I seemed to lack.

"So, big guy, before you shoulder checked me, what were you up to?"

"I was gonna go grab a bite to eat, and see about getting a costume together, there's some party happening tonight."

Suddenly she seemed much more interested. "Oh really? What are you going to go as?"

I admitted that I hadn't given it much thought, omitting my reasoning, and was quickly met with a list of suggestions, ranging from pirates to police officers.

She eventually suggested a hipster look, mentioning how little I'd have to change my outfit. I couldn't help but make a playfully insulted face but found that I lacked the resolve to hold it, which led to me breaking my stance and laughing heartily.

She fell into laughter with me, and I took the opportunity to study her. She was tall enough, but I towered over her with some ease. She was awfully skinny for her height, so much so that I began to wonder if she ate at all. She wore some awfully conservative clothing, that accentuated her lithe figure. She wasn't exactly gifted in the breast department, she seemed nearly flat, but it somehow suited her. More than anything, she seemed soft.

I was more careful this time; careful not to seem like I had been staring. I thought I had slipped under the radar, and I moved to keep the conversation flowing, so she wouldn't know I had just taken stock of her. Once the laughing subsided, we both realized we had been standing in this hallway for far too long. Part of me really didn't want to leave. Conversation was so hard to come by at this age, in this age.

"Well, it was nice to meet you, Jamie, and I'm really sorry about the circumstances, but I've gotta go figure out this whole costume thing!"

"I totally get it, I've got to get to an O. Chem class soon anyways, I guess I'll see you around?"

"For sure! I'll be there!" And with a quick set of finger-guns, I was on my way to the costume shop.

The next few hours were uneventful, and I ended up just buying a classic Scream costume, though this one had a pump built into the mask, that made the face flood with blood. I texted Trey, to break the monotony, and gather more information about the upcoming party.

Me: "Yo, Trey, you around?"

Me: "Got a costume, and a few questions, hmu"

While I waited for a response, I stopped at a fast food place, forcing myself to eat in the lobby. It was a conscious effort, but it always helped me to slow down and enjoy the greater things in life. It wasn't like I had anywhere to be. I ordered my food, silently marveling at how expensive it was to feed just one person, these days. Once they called my name, I grabbed my tray, and took refuge in a booth in the corner. It felt nice to sit down, to shed my sense of urgency, and enjoy the low hum of activity in the air. I heard a multitude of conversations, some of them more scandalous than others, and watched the small magic of people, just talking. I couldn't help but look at them and wonder about their stories, what they had been doing before they got here, who they were with and why, all sorts of things.

Once again, the buzz of a text, now answered.

Trey: "I'm here, what's up?"

Me: "I was just wondering if I should bring anything to the party, and if any familiar

names would be there"

Trey: "I guess you could go the easy route and bring a case of beer, just to be

gracious.. As for who will be there, I don't know any more than you do, sorry"

Me: "Sounds good, I'll grab a case on the way"

Once again, the next few hours passed quietly, and the party grew nearer. Around 8:30, I donned my corny costume, and visited a gas station, looking for a cheap case of the good stuff. I wandered to the freezer in the corner, grabbed a boring old case of Coors Light, and scared the cashier half to death. I had to take my mask off so he could ID me, which removed the tension quickly, though he was never completely off-guard. Figuring that that wasn't my issue, I simply thanked him and started my drive to Ashley's.

I showed up to a party in full swing, and remarked quietly that I would feel it in the morning. Opening the door, I found my senses under assault. Music turned up to 11; some Major Lazer song, I think. Empties on the floor, people dancing under an impressive set of colorful lights, it was everything that came to mind when I heard the word 'party.' I made my way inside, dipping and dodging through the crowd of drunks, setting my case of beer on the kitchen counter, absolutely floored at the amount of liquor available to me. I had recently made a very pronounced foray into excessive drinking, and decided to take it easy, so I just grabbed a solo cup and emptied a can into it. I walked around for a while, making small talk, idly looking for Trey and his girlfriend, but with little success. Being the socially awkward guy that I was, I did what all the boring people at parties do and found myself up against a wall watching the chaos unfold.

I sipped on my beer, hoping it would let me have a little fun, and was greeted with a familiar face when I pulled my cup away. It was Jamie, and she looked... interesting. She was dressed up like a cat girl, but with a few twists that made her costume stick out, glitter and translucent glue on her ears, small plastic jewels on her gloves, a strangely colorful tail. It was clear she put some serious work into an otherwise played-out idea, and I thought that remarking on it would help me segue into a good conversation. I was oddly sure she'd have something to say about my lack of effort, given the conversation we'd had earlier in the day. I tapped her on the shoulder, lifted my silly mask, and our second encounter began -- without the physical trauma.

"Hey, guess who!"

"Oh wow, we've gotta stop running into each other, literally.. Get it?"

"I don't suppose you'll forget about that any time soon, huh?"

"Oh, I don't think I could forget that, Wreck-It Ralph." She lightly punched me in the arm to emphasize the new nickname.

I realized that if she was here, with me, she was likely in the same social predicament that I was. "What's a girl like you doin' at a place like this," I inquired, pointing loosely at the wall we'd settled at.

"Oh, I was just never big on parties, it always sounds fun until you're there, y'know?"

"Having the same issue, that's what this is for," I said as I shook my cup, trying to frame my lack of social skills in a comedic light.

She giggled softly, and it became clear to me she was starting to relax, despite our environment. I felt oddly warm, thinking I was providing her with a haven, of sorts.

I felt strange about her in general, like I didn't have to try so hard, in front of her.

She quickly informed me that she had already had a few, but found the effects lacking.

I suddenly wanted to really speak with her, and mentioned going outside to put some distance between us and the raging party. She agreed, and as I started to walk, she put her palm on my back, which I immediately overthought. I had had a few girlfriends, and I understood this gesture and gestures like it, were useful to break the "touch barrier." We went to the back yard, settling on the corner of the wooden deck, leaning over the oddly comfortable edge. In the softer light, I saw her more clearly, and I was absolutely shocked. She looked stunning! Amazing makeup, eyeliner perfectly defined, with a soft, reflective lip gloss. My first thought when I saw her soft lips gleaming with the deck's light, was "how do they taste?" This was quickly followed up with questions like, "how do they feel," and "what could they do?"

She playfully thanked me for "saving her from the craziness inside," and I was granted the feeling of being a bastion, once more. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to kiss her. To hold her. To see if she was as soft as she looked.

Unsure how to proceed, I simply complimented her costume, and asked her how difficult it was to make it look so unique.

"Oh, it wasn't that bad, I think the worst part was getting the glue all over my hands, although the tail..." She trailed off, which confused me heavily, and I felt inclined to inquire.

"What about the tail?"

"Oh, it's nothing... it was just hard to attach..."

"I bet, I don't see a seam, or staples, or anything, you must have done something really ingenious"

This comment made her cheeks flush the color of rubies. She seemed to lose her composure a little, and all she managed to say was a very soft and hesitant, "th-thanks."

We made conversation for a while, pointing out the beauty of the surrounding area, the odd ways in which we'd found out about the party, our majors. It felt like we'd been talking for hours, but that seemed more fun than any party would have been.

It was a hard choice, but we had to pull away from our little bubble, and go see how the party had turned out. Walking inside, we were met with the loud odor of alcohol, a sea of beer cans, bottles, balloons, and paper plates before us. She noticed something, and moved to the couch, her voice laden with concern. Her friend -- and designated driver -- was absolutely smashed, incapable of standing up, much less driving.

Jamie began to panic, worried about how she would get home, and I saw an opportunity. I chimed in, calming her momentarily, to remind her that I had hardly had anything to drink throughout the night. She seemed relieved, but also sort of.. guilty?

"I don't want to bother you, I'm sure I could call an Uber or something.."

"Jamie, it's really no problem, we live in the same dorm, remember?"

Still flustered, she stopped, and you could almost see the gears turning in her head, the logic of it all setting in.

"Okay, I'd appreciate it. I'll chip in for gas! What about Jenny, though? Do you think she'll be okay here?"

A voice called to us from the stairs. It was Ashley, who quickly informed us that she would put Jenny up for the night in a spare bedroom. This seemed to calm Jamie down significantly, and her composure and grace returned rapidly. We thanked Ashley for various reasons, hugged, high-fived, and waved to everyone in the room we could name, and set off out the door, to my car.

While we warmed the car up, Jamie made sure to thank me again for the ride, and the conversation. I wasn't exactly ready to lose this new sense of connection, and told her that we could go back to my room and talk for a while longer.

"Oh, I don't know, I don't want to intrude.."

"Are you kidding? You're the most fun I've had since I got here! I would love to keep our night going!"

"Well, I suppose a little while longer wouldn't hurt. Let's do it!"

That feeling returned, unlike anything I had experienced in my life. It felt like I couldn't keep still, like I had just done something all too right, for once. I tempered my resolve, and started the short drive to campus.

Once we got there, I made us both some warm tea, and offered to cook some pasta. I laughed, and remarked on my cooking skills, "If I could cook anything more complex, I would. Sorry," I punctuated my little apology with a stupid grin and a small shrug. She told me that she had similar troubles when it came to cooking, and accepted with glee. I shed my costume, putting it in the dirty clothes, and started on the food. We spoke of future plans, while I stirred the softening noodles.

"You don't want for much, do you, Mark?"

"No, I guess it is kind of stupid, huh? I just want a wife, maybe some kids, and enough money to treat them every once in a while."

"That's not stupid! It's profound, and sweet, and-and heartwarming! Any girl would be lucky to have that offer on the table!"

It felt as though she overcompensated for my slight self-deprecation. Like she was worried that I felt some kind of shame for my desires. Her response made me melt.

In between imagining my future with this girl, I started having impure thoughts. Thoughts of her, about what I'd like to do to her. I was almost afraid to turn away from the stove, worrying she would see my erection.

I was eventually able to calm myself down, and serve our food. It wasn't anything special, just White Cheddar Shells, my personal favorite. I handed Jamie her bowl, and fell unceremoniously into the couch, next to her. Angling one of my legs onto the couch just under the knee, I faced her, hoping to find her enjoying my cooking. Again, I scanned her face. Her body. Her costume wasn't overly revealing, but it was tight enough to accentuate her figure. She wore a fuzzy, black top, which faded into grey as it traveled down her arms. I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to take it off. What waited under it. I was so lost in thought, that it became obvious to her. She spoke up, in her incredibly meek voice.

"...I see you staring."

"No! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to, it's jus-"

"It's okay. I've been looking at you too... don't worry, it's really cute.."

"I'm sorry, you're just so different. You're fascinating. I love the way you think, and talk... and look."

She couldn't help but giggle, overcome with awkward feelings, "Thank you, but I'm not all that."

"Yes, you are. You are all of that, and more," I paused for a second to think, or to work up the nerve, I wasn't sure, "could I kiss you?"

Instantly, her cheeks became the color of strawberries. She covered her face with her hand, clearly very new to those kinds of questions. After a moment, she answered.

"..If you want to.."

That was all I needed. I closed the distance between us, slowly, but with purpose. Intent on answering the questions I was asking myself earlier. I softly touched my lips to hers, basking in the sensation. Her hand came up in surprised protest, but I grabbed her wrist, lightly embracing it, moving it above her head. With my other hand, I found purchase on her stomach, slowly moving up, compressing the soft top against my forearm. I reached for her bra, forcing her to gasp sharply. I slowed in my advance, worried she was having second thoughts, but the idea was quickly dispelled. Her tongue moved against mine relentlessly, her wrist flexing with every involuntary movement of her hand above it. I worked my hand under the bra and felt the smooth, pert breast within. It was so soft, so malleable, and every new gesture earned another gasp, another moan. I ground my hips into her legs, my body aching for hers. I moved my hand to her torso, slowly making my way to her zipper. As suddenly as it had started, it had stopped. She stopped kissing, stopped groping, stopped feeling what I was feeling. I rose from her lips, to find her expression laced with fear. I released her wrist, and backed off, moving to the other end of the couch, confused. She began to cry, and my feelings of lust were replaced with immense guilt.