Invention of the Slut Ray

I happened on to a story, "Zapped by The Martian Slut Ray" by PiperHamlin. I agreed with the premise of the author, it is amazing a device so frequently referred to was not the topic of any stories (prior to the aforementioned). Though the stories are not related, other than the title, I sought and received permission from PiperHamlin for my story.

While the topic sounds as though it might be a SciFi story, I have neither the interest, nor skill to write such a story. Instead, I decided to write a loving wives tale about the development of a Slut Ray. The story is a complete farce. It is told by a lawyer with "interesting" ethics. The story involves no "nice" people. What it does provide is a rationale for so many of the characters in these stories who one day are devoted wives and the next are hopeless cheaters.

If you are one who takes the time to read and comment negatively, I think there are better uses of your time (but look how I am spending mine). I appreciate all comments.

One of the unique features of this antilibidinous ray is it has no impact on people until their 18 ^th birthday. Therefore, even if the ray were misused, no one in this story under the age of eighteen would engage in any sexual activity.

Everything hereafter is tongue-in-cheek. No actual sluts were created.

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This might be the strangest story I will ever tell. It happened to me.

I participated in the development of a Martian Slut Ray, though ultimately it got a different name. I am Larry Preston, a patent attorney with Givens, Burnham, and Downs (or if you live in the Detroit area, you may know us as Burn'em Down).

Most people apply for patents online these days. The US Patent Office has district offices in five cities for various regions of the country. As I mentioned, I am in Detroit, which is in the Midwest region. People in this region are usually assigned a patent examiner from the Detroit Patent office. Consequently, Burnham and Downs have a number of attorneys who specialize in helping people through the process.

People can contact us at any point in the process of getting a patent: before they apply, during the process, or even just during the review with the patent examiner. I was contacted by a man named Frank Pope. He said he was from a place called French Lick, Indiana and wanted to apply for a patent. We had a brief conversation and he retained me to represent him. I asked for him to send me what he had.

The next day I received a package and started reviewing it. He had developed an electronic device to relax muscle groups using a pulsing heat. I looked through his drawings, like many patent attorneys my undergraduate degree is in engineering, the concept was fascinating.

It was also troubling.

I made a phone call to Ed Thomas, another client of mine. My message went to voice mail, I told Ed it was urgent.

Edison Thomas is a famous inventor who lives in Bloomfield Hills, a wealthy suburb of Detroit. I have worked with Ed on many occasions, most recently on his Relaxator™. The Relaxator™ is a device which emits a pulsing series of frequencies of infrared light, which reduces anxiety, particularly in women.

The patent was in progress, and we were looking forward to receiving it in a few weeks.

The two devices described their intent differently. One reduced anxiety or put another way changed mood. The other reduced muscle tension, which seemed to me to be toward the same end.

Also troubling, the circuitry for the devices was remarkably similar.

I feared the patents might interfere with one another. The government can get touchy and say the two devices are too close together for both to receive a patent.

Now, it might be no big deal, in the large view, but as an attorney, whose fees would be halved, my desire was in protecting my second client's interests. Being ethical as I am, that meant contacting the first client, to also protect his interests and in the process, generate more billable hours from my approach. Is this great? Or what?

I picked up my phone and said, "This is Lawrence Preston."

"Larry, this is Ed Thomas, returning your call."

"Ed! I have an unusual situation. I have received a request for representation for a device which has certain similarities to the Relaxator™."

"Well, I am just a lowly inventor, not familiar with all the legalities here, but I applied first. What is the Latin legal phrase for, 'too fucking late?'"

"It isn't that simple. Without getting into detail, his patent is for a device with a different intent, and I think it should get approval. But I am hedging my bets, a bit."

"Excuse me. I was born at night, just not last night. I may not be an attorney, but I'm not stupid. You just want two fees out of this."

"True. But it is bigger than that." Always tell them there is something bigger, it makes you look altruistic. "The use is enough different that I think society would benefit from both devices."

"Right." If sarcasm had a color, the word would have been bright that color. "You are a true humanitarian. What do you have in mind?"

"First, let me ask this, does the name Frank Pope mean anything to you?"

"Oh, shit. Not the hick from French Lick."

"I take it you know him?" This was getting worse, for me, that is. I had covered this in an article I wrote, 'A Darwinian View of Ethics'. In the article I espoused an evolving understanding of right and wrong which would enable me (and others so disposed) to change their position completely and still be on the side of the angels. Unfortunately, no legal journal would publish it -- though one turned me into an ethics committee (I thought for consideration of my views -- though that might be hopeful, on my part.)

Ed was talking, I forced myself to listen, "We went to Purdue together. He always called himself that. French Lick is a great resort town in southern Indiana, small but a wonderful place to spend time. He and I were great friends until we fell out -- over a girl."

"Tell me, Mr. fuck him I was first, is it a coincidence that good friends came up with similar patent ideas?"

"Not really. We worked on a device we laughingly called the doxylator, together."

"And this doxylator is part of your design?" I was nearly despondent. Two huge ideas (with the intendent attorney's fees) going up in smoke in only one fire.

"No. Not at all. Well, not really..."

Now I was getting pissed, "Swell. So, it is. At least the basics of it." Well, shit and fall back in it. Greed is a terrible thing. I am trying to extend one client to two and if I'd just gone the other way, and told the second guy I had a conflict, I could sue the second guy for infringement. More money in a suit, than in two happy clients. I should call the ethics committee, Darwinian ethics would allow turning on a client.

"Like I said, not really. I used our brainstorming about the doxylator to develop my circuits. But there was never a doxylator, so I could not have copied it."

"What kind of a name is doxylator?"

"Sounds scientific, doesn't it? We tried to think of a name that said what it did. There is no way to make slut-maker sound scientific. So, we used a synonym of slut; doxy."

"Hence doxylator. I get it." I shook my head; engineers should not be allowed to play with words -- that is the province of lawyers. Then, it came to me. "The Relaxator™ hardly has anything to do with being a slut, does it?"

"Being honest, it has more to do with it than you'd think. When are you your most relaxed?"

"After mind-blowing sex?"

"That would be the time. Let me ask you this. As my attorney, could you see through a potential conflict and get two inventors together? There is this one complication."

Swell, no sense in any part of this being easy. "Complication?"

"He stole my girl. I swore if I ever saw him again, I'd kill him."

"Oh, is that all?" I said like it was a trivial matter. "And do you plan to? It may be indiscrete, but I feel honor bound to ask."

"No, his wife and I were going to get married, but she was a cheating slut before we got married. Much as I hated him at the time, he saved me a lot of grief."

I wished I had pushed harder on Darwinian ethics. "Well, if I had thought of getting you two together, the way I would have managed it is to ask both of you, as my clients, to come to a meeting. I'd have introduced you to one another at that meeting and let you simultaneously learn about our issue."

Ed looked bemused, "You can still do that. I can say I don't recall us ever having discussed anything like this."

It is good to have clients who see the truth as a football field; you don't need to run down the center of the field, just don't go out of bounds. (You of course hire an attorney to define where the boundaries are). "You'll have to be as surprised as he is."

"Not an issue. Let's do it. Frankly, I miss the hick. And I have been incredibly happy in my marriage for five years. We are all winners."

So, I set it up. I called Frank and told him there might be an issue and I needed him to come to Detroit to talk with the other inventor. He wanted to know who he or she was. I told him it was unethical to let the two parties know about each other before the meeting. That part was of course true; I didn't think to tell him that I had told the other party. I didn't see how unburdening my soul would be helpful.

Despite the urgency, Pope could not come to Detroit until the following Friday. We would meet that afternoon. Had I known, I would have tried to dissuade him from bringing his wife, Marsha. Well, come to think of it, maybe not... I shouldn't get ahead of myself.

The big day arrived. Ed and I were in a conference room at 12:50, he was to arrive at 1:00 -- and he did. The tension was thick. Well, it was not my fault Ed knew. Technically, you could say it was my fault. I just wasn't owning up to it?

I got a page. The other party had arrived. I stepped out to bring him back.

We said our hellos and quickly and went to the conference room. I wondered what awaited when the door opened. "Frank, I'd like you to meet my other client, Ed Thomas. Ed, this is..."

"I knew it had to be you. How are you, you old reprobate!" Frank said cheerfully, like he was really excited to see his old friend.

Ed surprised me, "Holy cow, the hick! It's none other than the hick!" He had as broad a smile as I'd ever seen. He jumped up and hugged Frank. They were talking a mile a minute.

"I thought you were going to hold Marsha against me, forever." Frank said, as they broke apart.

"You're right. I do -- you backstabbing, slut stealing bastard. I just wanted to say hi to my old friend first." Ed was almost laughing as he said it. Maybe the years had healed the hurt.

"Well, backstabbing might be true. The slut part, not so much. In fact, that's why I'm here. Marsha has great trouble with intimacy. The device I am trying to patent will help her with that. I am sure there are others like her."

"But she cheated on me, with you, I might add, in college."

"No, you just thought she did. She went out with me because you were pushing her for sex. When you went crazy, we started dating, and got serious. She was a virgin when we married."

Frank paused wondering whether to continue, he said under his breath, "Not that far from it today."

Engineers don't stick to human topics for long, Ed was off on the inventions, "Do you use infrared light?"

"No, I chose heat. The impact I am looking for is easing her tension. I used something like the doxylator we thought up all those years ago."

"Son of a bitch! That's why we are here, together. I also used my adaptation from those old notes. But I use light, the result is a mood change rather than a relaxation of muscles."

The conversation sped up. There was a white board in the conference room, and both started writing equations, drawing sketches, and who knows what else up there. I am good at deciphering engineer-speak, but I was lost and frankly, only interested in case one of them wanted to change the fee arrangement.

About an hour or so later, I heard words that piqued my interest. By combining this and reversing that, they could have totally new device. A new device would demand opening a new file, and of course, there were the two existing files. Billable hours were looking better. But it was their renewed friendship that warmed my heart.

"Excuse me." I said in a normal tone, to no effect. "HHHHMMM, excuse me! I nearly shouted with similar result. I was in danger of them thinking I was uninvolved and the passed time not fully, twice billable. "EXCUSE ME!!"

"No reason to shout." Ed said looking at me as though I were trying to horn in on them.

"Just exactly what is this 'new device'?" I said with air quotes.

"It is so obvious. Rather than use these two devices to relax and reduce anxiety, we can put them in series and run the current the opposite way, creating a sexual tension which may be unparalleled." Frank said with an excitement usually heard only from young children.

"Let me get this straight. You are talking about a ray gun, which you can point at a woman and make her horny?"

"Not horny. Desperate to have sex."

"What if the woman doesn't want sex with you?"

"Who do you think we are? The device would have instructions not to point at strangers. It's like any gun. You can't just shoot someone with your Glock." Ed was indignant.

Ever been to Chicago? "Pardon me. I hate to get all lawyerly on you but is this possible? A guy and a woman go on a date. They have an okay time, and as she is unlocking her door to get in her apartment, he shoots her in the back with this, this slut ray. She turns, attacks him, they fuck each other stupid for a whole night, he leaves, then she screams rape."

"The fact the gun could be misused is not a legitimate reason to stop its development." Frank's tone was haughty.

He has a point. Besides, what am I doing talking them out of a new invention? "Would this ray leave any traces?"

"What do you mean, traces?" Frank asked.

"He means could the woman prove you used our gun on her. I'd say no. Other than a big smile." Ed smirked as he said it.

"I don't mind telling you, this is going to be a tough sell. Did you ever hear of the 'me too' movement? Women seem protective of their persons. Getting shot with a ray gun, turning into a slut for minutes or hours, and then returning to some cherry-cheeked housewife is not likely to be well received." The idea was growing on me. A device like this was sure to sell. The fact guys might over-use it and he said/she said legal disputes arose thereafter, wasn't all bad -- at least for an attorney.

The huddle started again. The conversation had a lot of "I have this" and "Do you have that" elements. After just a few minutes, Frank said, "We can have a working prototype here on Monday. We will be here right after lunch. I will bring my wife, Marsha. I am sure she will volunteer to have us use the device on her."

"Frank, we need to meet at your hotel. If the device is effective, you and she may want to excuse yourselves for a time." Ed had thought this through more carefully than his friend.

"We'll get a suite at one of the hotels. That way we can have a few people in attendance and be in the living room, leaving the bedroom for you." I love offering things like this. The firm bills the room to the clients, so it isn't really generous, but it's the thought that counts.

We talked for a while more and agreed that Ed, one legal assistant -- female, and I would appear at the suite at 1:00, Monday afternoon. I liked the idea that the test subject was both the spouse of the co-inventor and a woman. This just might fly.

The weekend was soon over and Monday upon us. I had a choice of either a young attorney or a legal assistant. I decided on a young associate. She was preferrable to the more senior paralegals we had and billed at a higher rate. We left the office to arrive at the hotel by 12:45.

We knocked on the suite door. It opened quickly and we were greeted by Mr. and Mrs. Frank Pope. Mrs. Pope was a real stunner. She had a gorgeous figure, pretty face, and long blonde hair. She was outgoing and took my hand warmly when her husband introduced us. I was surprised to find Ed was there. Lunch dishes and an empty bottle of Dom Perignon were on the table.

Well crap, am I some newcomer? Lunch could have been on the firm, well on their bill through the firm, and I'd have had great champagne I often said, TANSTAFL (there ain't no such thing as a free lunch), it got a chuckle -- but I meant it and rebilled to demonstrate it was true.

"Excuse the mess. Room service is due, and you are early." As Frank said it, the doorbell rang, and a uniformed waiter took everything away. We were ready to start.

The gun looked like something in progress rather than something ready for trial. Ed started the explanation.

"Obviously, if this were to go on sale, it would need to be in a pretty package. But this is fully functional. It has ten settings, today we are going to use number two or three."

"Ed, Marsha has told you she would like to start higher, like five or six." Frank's tone made his statement more a question.

"What a couple of wimps. We talked about this all weekend. I want a new experience, not some tame science lab excuse." Marsha turned and looked at me. "Mr. Preston, this is embarrassing for me. I guess my parents were too strict, or I was scared by some phallic object as an infant, but sex has been difficult for me. I want a breakthrough. I don't want to go from a big NO to a moderate maybe. I want to get to a firm yes."

She looked at her husband. I start negotiations at eight, if you want a higher number, okay by me. If you want a lower number, pick Ms. Adams, here."

Gloria Adams, the young attorney, said, "Now, wait a minute. I have a boyfriend; I am not a Guinee pig."

Frank spoke quickly, "No don't worry." He looked right at his wife. "Marsha, we don't know the impact. Let's try a lower number and then a higher one, later."

"Eight or someone else."

I was amazed. Frank had apparently made up his mind and was merely taking one last shot. Eight it is. He had barrel of the device in his hand. He twisted a dial. "There it is, eight. Ready?" he was looking right at her.

I must say, I never saw a woman look more beautiful. She was full of anticipation, love, and probably some level of apprehension. "Shoot!" was her one-word reply. He did.

Maybe I've watched too much Star Wars or Star Trek, I was expecting some ray of light and a shrill noise. There was nothing. I looked at Frank, I looked at the barrel he had aimed at his wife. Oh well, the battery wasn't hooked up right, or something. Then, I looked at Marsha.

Her face and chest were flushed. She was staring at her husband like she was starving, and he was a pork chop. "Now." Was all she said.

He was up in a flash and hand-in-hand they disappeared into the bedroom. The door closed. It was 12:15. There may have been a door and wall between us, but you could hear them plainly. Ed set his phone in the cradle provided in the suite and his favorite playlist started playing on the room's speakers.

It was 2:00 and no sign of them. It is funny, when there is an elephant in the next room, it is hard to think of anything to say. "How 'bout those Tigers" only goes so far when the biggest baseball fan among us was Gloria. We were about out of topics when the bedroom door opened.