Is That Me? Ch. 04 - The Woman Who Knew Too Little

Last time on What The Fuck Is Going On? -- Riley had just accidentally revealed a small part of her big secret: Alexa is trans, and apparently, so am I. And now with her cover-up in jeopardy, my towering Amazonian of a roommate is darting around our tiny apartment, trying to cleanse it of any hint of why I woke up as a woman. She's acting a little...crazy, but maybe we can start slow and gently broach the issue...

"Riley...Riley, will you please just tell me----

"--You've always been a girl!" she shouts, moving to add a desk lamp to her expanding armful of housewares. "That's not true!" I shriek, "I didn't sound like this last night or have tits and a vag." I was going to take a quick peep into my shorts and double-check the evidence, but the sight is still so mesmerizing. "This is pretty wild," I say, "Is it even real? I don't see any scars."

Letting her pile of apparent evidence fall to the floor, Riley darts over. "Lex!" she cries, lifting my shorts back up and past my belly button., "Modesty! People wear clothes in public!"

"Owww!" I cry, "Just stop acting like a weirdo and tell me why I'm a girl!" But Riley doesn't answer, opting to leave me in a wedgie and scramble back to her pile of apparent evidence.

As I adjust my wardrobe back to elevations appropriate for crawling, a red business card under the couch catches my eye. That's a clue! Now just how am I supposed to read this when all the text is covered in black stripes?

"Ohhh, Lex, no!" Riley shouts, snatching the card out of my hand. "You shouldn't read that! Or even touch it. It's umm...poison paper, that's right!"

I sneer back to her, "Why are you stuffing it in your pants then?" But she won't say a word. "Riley, come on," I plead, trying to pinch my way into her pockets, but she scuttles around the other side of the coffee table, "Tell me what it's for!" I shout, making my third lap around the living room, "It has something to do with why I woke up as a girl, right?"

Of course, the giant woman plays dirty and moves to hold the card so high that it's practically touching the ceiling. "Gahhhh -- Are you taller or am I shorter?"

"I'm not supposed'ta tell you!" she cries, "But you're exactly the same as always."

"You're such a bad liar." I say, swinging for the mystery card. "Your arm's gonna get tired at some point and -- Hey! You have more tattoos than I remember! When did you get those?" I ask, "How long has this trans thing been going on?"

Meanwhile, Biscuit's waddled over to join us, probably for what he thinks game to reach for a special treat. His vertical jump is a hiccup; His landing, a tumble. Sadly, I'm not reaching much higher, but now with the dog and I pawing at Riley, she's got nowhere to go.

Bark, bark! Biscuit yelps. He's desperate for answers, and I am too. "Yeah! Woof woof!" I join in, "Now tell us what's going on! What's the card have to do with being trans? It's magic, right?"

Riley tries for another placating laugh, "Ahaha...ha--ehh, umm...this card? It's my... dermatologist!" Unamused with us and an ever-cramping arm, she switches tactics by swapping hands, reaching for a phone in her back pocket, "I should call him -- Hey, get off me!"

"You're lying!" I shout, climbing the giant's back before snatching the phone from her hand, falling down to a thankfully well carpeted living-room floor.

"Don't open at the calendar app!" she cries, "It's dangerous!"

"Oh, now I'm definitely opening the calendar app!" She yanks at my leg, trying to reel me in to her clutches, but all she'll get from me is coasters, remotes, pretty much whatever's in reach to throw in her direction.

"Now let's see this big secret...Twenty-twenty... It's the future?! Riley, what the hell! That's like...five years!"

But the revelation is short-lived as all of Biscuit's plump behind is suddenly tossed into my lap. A perfectly oversized an furry distraction for Riley to grab her phone back. "You're just tired, Lex!" she cries, those same sniffles coming on again, "M-M-Maybe...maybe you're on your period!"

"I don't have a period!" I shout over the Corgi's golden folds. "Oh god, or do I? Tell me that's not even a thing, right? Riley! Please say something or -- ughhh -- Biscuit! Quit licking my face!"

We're all panting now, too exhausted to move. And so we lay there, two sweaty women and their dog panting on the carpet in a moment of truce and understanding, that morning exercise on a full stomach is a bad idea.

Riley stares up at the ceiling, cradling her pile of evidence while I crawl off the floor, straining to lift the wriggling dog up with me. "So...everything is the same, huh? Then 'care to explain why your 'puppy' is so old?" I prod, "And when did he get so fat?" She's gone pale, looking to her furry conspirator for an explanation. He pleads the fifth. "B-B-Biscuit's my little chubster," she cries, "He'll always be a baby to me!"

"Well," I say, sneering at the panting furball, "Then maybe we'll just run away together and figure out who put you up to this secret trans girl cover-up." Riley mouths a breathless 'no' to herself. I paint a sadder picture, "Isn't that right, Biscuit? Just a lonely girl and her mangy dog walking the roads, hitching rides...scrounging for scraps--"

"--It was you!" she cries, snatching back her supersized lap dog, "Happy now? You made me promise not to tell you!"

"What...What does that mean?" I ask, stumbling my way over to her, "Did I put you up to this...Or was it Alexa?"

"Y-yes, err no! No...or ughhh, I really screwed everything up!" I'm really not sure who to be more upset with -- her, or myself. "Riley, I'm sorry. Please, don't cry," I say, "Just tell me what's going on. Did I do something wrong?"

"Nothing's fine-- I-I mean everything is wrong. It's...Oh, I gotta fix this before it's too late!"

She rushes past me and down the hall, returning with a set of car keys in one hand, tossing a pair of sandals in my direction. "You expect me to go outside looking like this?" I ask, "What if someone recognizes me -- as a girl?" She sighs painfully annoyed, sprinting back and forth to a hallway closet, now with a hoodie in hand. "Here," she snaps, "Put it on and you can be shapeless!" It's a blob of fabric, peach-colored where it's not spattered in stains, vanilla-scented, and no doubt her well-worn XXL baking hoodie. "So you put it on, and--oh what am I saying...you still know how to wear on clothes, right? Do you still know how to walk?" she cries, shaking me for answers, "Do you need me to carry you!?"

"Riley!" I shout, two arms deeper into the outfit while negotiating my head into the right hole. "You're fucking with me, aren't you?" I ask, "This is all some prank to make me think this is real, right?" But Riley skips the response, opting to slip the hoodie over my head and past my hair.

God...if the day wasn't bad enough, this oversized thing is embroidered too, with bubble letters on the front that read 'HOT STUFF.'

She laughs anxiously, "It's very...cute on you."

I glare back up at the panicked woman, "Wherever we're going better explain why I look like girl."

"Sure, whatever," she says, pushing me toward the front door, "C'mon, we gotta go right now...Or else!" But I hold firm, "Or else what?" I ask, "You're just trying to drag me out in public and embarrass me!" Riley wipes a few stray tears, clearing her sniffles once more, "Alexa, we don't have time for this kinda egg stuff right now."

"What are you even...Can you at least give me a hint?" I plead, trying to get her to at least look at me, "Those pictures in our hallway...this body...Is any of this real?" But she won't give me a second glance and instead walks out the door, mumbling to herself, "I should'a took those down."

I should just turn around and crawl back into bed...maybe even explore Alexa's body some more. But as unfamiliar as this morning's been, I can at least remember how Riley stuck around after my last breakup. She was there for me when I felt alone. Maybe it's like she's losing someone too.

I bury my head inside the vanilla-drenched hoodie to get one more peep at my chest before I step outside. "If we can just get through today," I whisper, "We'll pick up where we left off this morning." The twins respond with a disappointed but understanding tingle.

I'm out the door, down the stoop, and in the driveway with the purple PT Cruiser. Riley pulls me in for a surprise hug that's tight enough to short-circuit my senses for just a moment. Something about Alexa's body makes every experience feel new again.

"Happy I made it to the bottom without falling, huh?"

"This is all my fault," she says, taking in one last deep breath before confessing the truth, "Alexa...I might've...accidentally...broke your brain."