It was April

IT WAS APRIL

BACKGROUND

I first met David in the Student Grille at college. I had seen him before and labeled him as the strong, silent type. When he was a group of other students, he never dominated the conversation. His participation was usually in response to a question. He paid attention to people and seemed polite and caring. He was a good listener

When he sat by himself, he looked deep in thought, always serious and usually sad thought. He would change his expression and attitude if anyone joined him. He was a mystery I wanted to solve. When the tables were full one day, I asked to join him. He said it would be an honor and made it seem that was true. His happiness seemed to appear when I started talking to him. He smiled and I was able to get him to laugh at some of my self-deprecating humor. We stayed in a state of constant conversation until he said he had to go to class. I told him I enjoyed talking to him. "Me too" he responded. Damn, he was cute.

Two days later, he was in the same spot, and I asked him if he was saving the seat next to him for me. "Yes, I guarded it with my life." We got started talking again and laughs came even easier to him than our first time. I loved seeing him smile. I knew I was falling for him -- fast!

After a few repeat meetings, I was wondering if he was ever going to ask me on a date. I took the initiative. "Dave, I just had a friend give me a couple of tickets to the Phil Collins concert. She and her boyfriend had an emergency and gave me the tickets. Would you like to go?"

"Don't you have a boyfriend to take you?" It sounded to me like he was trying to make an excuse not to go with me.

"Hey, if you don't want to go."

"No, I'm sorry. I'm just surprised that anyone as nice as you wouldn't have a boyfriend. I was not insulting you."

I moved closer to him. "I'm nice, am I? Tell me, how am I nice?"

He smiled. "You are beautiful, intelligent, and very witty, my favorite thing about you."

"Darn, I was hoping for sexy."

He blushed. He actually blushed. "Nancy, you are getting me out of my comfort zone. Yes, I do think you are sexy, but I don't want our relationship to be based solely on looks. I would like to get to know you better, but the 'know' is not in the biblical sense. As for now, I would love to go to the concert with you."

We went to the concert. I had a great time and he seemed to enjoy it. We walked back to my dorm. He hugged me. No kiss, even on the cheek. My evaluation of my attractiveness took a hit.

After several more weeks of grille meetings, I got restless again. "Dave, don't you like me?"

"Of course, I like you a lot."

"Then why don't you ask me on a date?"

"I would like to, but that could, not would, eventually put us on a trajectory that might end up in us getting married. There's no reason to get on that trajectory if there is no chance in us getting married. I require two things before I seriously date a girl: I need to meet her parents who must approve of me dating her and she must know that I do not want to have children. Think about what I just said. If you agree, set a day and time to meet with your parents. Please understand that even if you agree to those two things and we do date, that does not necessarily mean we will get married. It's just that I won't start the journey unless you do."

I was flabbergasted. Most boyfriends I had had did not want to meet my parents. I guess the look in their eyes that said 'I just want to get in her panties' would be too obvious if my parents looked at them face-to-face. The no kids' proclamation was not that unusual and could possibly be renegotiated later. I didn't really feel that strongly one way or the other. Dave was blowing my perceptions about men out of the water. I called my parents who challenged how serious our relationship was if he wanted to meet them. My father asked me if I was pregnant. My mother was ready to plan the wedding. I told them to behave and not to blow it.

We met my parents one evening. Dave started the conversation after some small talk then got to the point. "Mr. and Mrs. Jackson, I appreciate your willingness to meet with me prior to Nancy and I starting to date. I asked for this because I don't date casually. I see dates as steps towards marriage if, and only if, everything goes okay. Will they go okay for Nancy and me? I have no clue yet. All I know is that I would like to find out.

"My other issue is that I do not plan to have children with my wife. I hope you respect that my reasons for this are too personal for me to disclose. I know how some parents look forward to grandchildren. If that is a dealbreaker for you, I will respect your decision and I will not date Nancy.

"After hearing what I had to say, I am asking your permission to date your daughter."

There was a long pause before my father finally spoke. "Although Nancy is an adult and doesn't need our permission, I appreciate you talking to us first. I see no problem to give our consent to you two dating. I can't speak for my wife."

"Dave, I want Nancy to choose who she dates based solely on her own feelings. Of course, I want grandchildren but having a happy daughter is more important. You have my blessing to date."

Dave and I both thanked them and left. I hugged him hard before we got off the front porch. He was smiling. I already told you how much I liked his smile.

That night started our dating life. Dave said the right things and did the right things on our dates. We got more intimate in our kissing and touching each other but never engaged in masturbating each other or had oral or vaginal sex. I did a lot of jilling myself off with my fingers and vibrators once I returned to my room after a date.

We had dated exclusively for a year, and I thought we had reached a plateau, a nice plateau but I wondered if we were stuck or if we were going anywhere from here. "Dave, I love you. If you love me, tell me where you see we are headed as a couple."

"Nancy, I love you very much. I think it is time for us to discuss marriage. I hope that doesn't frighten you as much as it does me."

"Frighten me? Dave, sometimes you seem completely clueless. If you're asking, I am saying 'Yes.'"

"Well, then, I'm asking. Nancy Jackson will you marry me?"

"Wait a minute let me think about that... Okay YES!"

We got married after graduation in a simple wedding to save money. In a few months, we both had nice jobs. Dave proved to be great in bed and seemed to like lots of foreplay before having sex. He didn't prove tentative like the virgin I had assumed he was. He never said anything about women he had dated and/or had sex with. Nothing was ever said about my obvious lack of virginity by either of us. Dave was wonderful around the house and shared chores willingly. He asked often if he was doing enough to help out. I always received complements on my cooking, cleaning, washing and, especially my ability to satisfy him in bed. My female co-workers were immensely jealous.

Our homelife was full of energy, energy focused on communication, caring, love, sex and laughter. To save money, we didn't eat out a lot and stayed in playing board or card games instead of going out to movies or concerts. An old movie on DVD and popcorn was a regular Friday night thing along with the snuggling. The one way I was surprised by Dave was when he turned out to be a consummate tease and jokester. That was supposed to be my forte, so I was not about to be outdone. It was as if April Fool's Day came at least once a month in our house. I still get a smile on my face just thinking about those days and some of the pranks we pulled on each other.

Almost one year into the marriage, a major incident happened. At the time, I feared I might lose my husband over it. Despite being on the pill and taking it regularly, I became pregnant. Three home pregnancy tests and two doctor's tests were all positive. I was afraid to tell him. I didn't want to lose him. I held off until he noticed the early morning sickness and asked what was wrong. The dam burst and I blurted out, "I'm pregnant. I'm sorry." I was shedding some serious tears.

Dave didn't change his stoic facial expression. After a pause, he said, "Let's talk about this after you calm down." It took me a few minutes to compose myself before he asked, "What does your gut emotions tell you about what you would like to have happen?"

I replied, "Dave, I want to have the baby, but if you want, I will keep my promise to you not to raise a child with you. I will agree to put the child up for adoption, but I will not have an abortion. You can decide for us to keep the baby or put it up for adoption. I hope we keep it."

"Nancy, I don't believe in killing babies either. I am very touched when you said you would allow it to be adopted. That tells me a lot about your love and our marriage. I do believe in supporting you like you support me. I will have to give up a formerly held strong belief to do what you wish. In order for me to be happy in our marriage, you have to be happy. I agree for you to keep the baby. I promise to be the best possible father I can. You will never hear a word or regret from my mouth from this day forward." I ran and jumped into his arms with tears of joy.

Krista was born and she was beautiful. Dave kept his word, and I could not have expected a better father for a child. She was only six months old when he surprised me again, "I don't think it's good for a child to be an only child. How about we give her a brother or sister in a year or so. You can stay home and be a mother for a while. I will get a vasectomy after our second child is born."

I was stunned. All I could get out was a weak, "Okay."

Melody was born almost exactly two years after Krista. I took off work a few years and then went back to my old job when it became available again. At no time did I detect a problem with Dave's wiliness to parent. That's not to say I didn't suspect he had some problem. I just wasn't sure what the problem was or what to do about it.

Like in college when I would see him alone in the Student Grille, Dave would sit in his chair at times and appear to get lost in thought. It would make him sad to the point of tears sometimes. As wonderful he was in all the ways you would want a husband to be, I got the impression that he was holding back something from me, our marriage, and our family. He was not fully into being my husband and the girls' father. Since I had more good husband stories than my friends had about theirs, I blessed my lucky stars for what I had.

*****

PRESENT DAY

With the oldest girl in college and the second one getting ready to go, I did the Empty Nest Life Review. I remembered how exciting dating was before marriage and having sex was with Dave was after I got married. We barely left the bedroom some weekends in the first year. Two children, jobs and paying bills year after year seemed to drain the thrill out of being married like a birthday balloon losing its helium. I missed a lot about the 'good old days' when we were first married and there was just the two of us. We had a lot of fun.

I struggled to find a new purpose in my life. I had a hole in my life the kids had once filled. How could I fill that hole now? Having an affair was an option I had considered at times because of the offers I got from some very handsome men. I was still being hit on my men even at my age. To some, my being married seemed to add to my attributes rather than be a hindrance. There were a couple of times when the right man and the right circumstances seemed to assure me that my husband was not likely to find out if I strayed, but I never did more than flirt. We often teased each other about having an "office wife" and an "office husband."

I spent a lot of time watching Dave that he was not aware of. There were times just like before when I would see Dave looking off into space and have a sad face on. I would ask if something was bothering him and he would say, "Nothing." I knew it wasn't just nothing. I suspected some tragedy had happened in his past he was not comfortable sharing. What could I do?

One day it hit me: Laughter -- that was what I was missing the most from the old days. Dave used to do anything to make me laugh and vice versa. I have one of those snorting laughs. When I would breathe in while laughing, I sound like a pig. That, in turn, would cause more laughter and so on until we were both crying from laughter. For several years before the kids were very old, we played practical jokes on each other as a way to laugh and have fun. That practice seemed to fizzle out. I guess we thought we needed to set a more mature example for our kids. Now, I believed it was time to start them up again, especially since April would soon arrive. Our marriage could stand perking up.

I spent weeks leading up to April 1 working to set up my prank. I talked about a new man in the office and how all the women were mooning over him. I bragged how Evan danced when we had an office party Dave couldn't attend. I started working overtime at work and having a girl's night out once a week. I took a shower after coming home before I would get in bed. I began gradually cutting Dave off from oral and vaginal sex with a variety of excuses. I nagged him about doing his chores. I complained that I had to re-do many of his chores because he had not done it correctly. I over-seasoned, under-cooked, or otherwise ruined many of our supper meals. Despite his exasperated expressions, he didn't complain about anything but looked ready to pop. When the first day of April came, I was anxious, but I was ready.

It was about six o'clock on the night of April first when the doorbell rang. "Dave, you get that. It's probably for you anyway."

"Really, Nancy. I guess it doesn't matter that you are only ten feet from the door."

"I'm exhausted. It won't kill you to do something nice for me for a change."

Dave walked reluctantly over to the door. I knew what he would find waiting for him.

There was a woman our age standing there with a package in her hands with her head down. She did not look like what I thought a server would look like.

Dave greeted her, "Yes, can I help you?"

"Are you David Livingston?" She was still looking at her feet.

"Yes."

"Can you show me some ID?"

He pulled out his wallet and showed his driver's license. The good part was about to come. I almost giggled in anticipation.

"Did you go to Anderson County High School?"

I wondered, why did she ask that? That wasn't part of the script.

"Yes, why do you want to know that?"

"Did you date a girl named Allison Kirk?"

What is going on? I got up and headed to the door.

Dave got very upset, but finally responded, "Yes, we dated but then she moved away. I'm afraid to tell you but she died many years ago."

The girl raised her head and looked him in the eye, "No, I didn't, Dave. I'm right here and more alive than I have ever been."

David looked at her again. His eyes got big. I thought he was going to faint. "Ali? Ali? My God, is that really you?"

Her face was full of tears now. "Yes."

"But... your parents told me you were dead. They said you had committed suicide because of me."

"It was a lie to keep you from trying to find me."

David reached out and pulled her to him. They were hugging and kissing. I didn't think they would ever stop.

"I thought I would never see you again in this life. Come in, please, before I have a heart attack."

They went and sat next to each other on the couch. I went to my recliner. They were holding hands and giggling like two giddy teenagers. I was being totally ignored and it made me angry.

I interjected, "Excuse me you two. Dave, can you tell me what the hell is going on here? Who is this woman and why are you pawing all over her?"

"Nancy, this is Allison Kirk, my first and only true love. I've never told you about her because it brought up too many sad memories for me. I thought she was dead. Her being here is a miracle for me."

"Your only true love? I beg your pardon. What am I?"

"Allison and I were high school sweethearts and deeply in love. We were sure we were going to get married and raise a family after graduation. Her parents were very conservative and were opposed to me as a potential son-in-law. We weren't even allowed to date. Allison would sneak out late at nights. When everything is forbidden, sex didn't seem that out of bounds. We were going to be married soon.

"We would have sex whenever we could. I ran out of condoms one time, and we took the chance. Allison got pregnant. We planned to elope and get married but Allison was still young too young to sign for herself. We needed one of her parents to co-sign. We hoped her being pregnant and me willing to marry her would convince them to sign, but soon after Allison told her parents, they took her and moved overnight. I never heard from her directly again until now. Her parents called out of the blue in a few months after they left and told me Allison had committed suicide because of having a child out of wedlock. The baby died when she did." Dave then turned to Allison.

Dave was in tears when he asked, "Allison, what happened to our baby? Did you have an abortion?"

"No, I didn't want to, and my parents wouldn't have let me anyway. They made up a story to tell other people about my husband being in the Army and getting killed. Actually, our son is a junior in college now. He has my intelligence and your athletic body. I hope you will get to meet him soon. When I told him about you after my parents' funeral, he said he wanted to meet you as soon as possible."

"What's his name?"

"I wanted to name him after you at birth, but my parents wouldn't allow it. He had the name Justin until recently. I had his name legally changed to David Austin Livingston, Junior with his full approval."

Dave was bawling like a baby now. "Of course, I want to meet him. Someone pinch me. I can't believe this is happening."

I spoke up, "Neither can I. David, this has gone far enough. Please ask this person to leave our house immediately. You and I have some major issues to discuss -- in private."

Dave got a look of anger-determination on his face I had never seen before. "No. I lost Allison once and I'm not going to lose her again."

I sat in shock.

Dave continued his questions. "Allison, what happened to you when you left?"

"My parents gave me an ultimatum: leave with them or they would never support me again. Dave, I was a pregnant teenager with no financial support other than my parents. You had no money to support yourself much less a family. It tore my heart out to leave you, but I didn't have much of an option. I went with them and kept my promise to never contact you. I had to agree to that to keep them from putting our baby up for adoption.

"I lived in Hell for 20 years. If I hadn't had our son, I probably would have committed suicide. I thought many times of how I could contact you without them finding out. They threatened to take Justin away with them and I would never see him or them ever again. They watched me like a hawk. I had no cell phone. I had no money of my own. I never went out with other people unless they were with me. It was bizarre. They even took me to a guy with a polygraph periodically and ask me if I had tried to contact you. Everything changed overnight when my parents died in a car accident six months ago. Suddenly, I had the hope of seeing you that had been suppressed so long.

"Dave, it has taken me these last few months to find you. I found information on you. When I discovered that you were married, I almost gave up. I did not want to break up a happy marriage. Instead, I have been watching you and your house to see if I could determine if you were happily married. I'm not ashamed to say I was hoping you were not. Then some young woman came over to my car today and asked if I knew where David Livingston lived. I pointed to your house. She said, 'Damn I hate to serve people.' She told me that your wife was having you served for divorce. I took it as a sign from God. I bribed her to let me do it. I assumed that if your wife was divorcing you, I might have a chance to live again -- with you."