Jake

I spent many long, miserable years pining after a boy who didn't know I was alive. My older sister, she was a goddess. Tall, slender, beautiful, graceful, the 1000 watt smile and personality that would light up a room. So many boys were head over heels for her, but none as much as Jake.

He spent day after day at our house being led around by the nose just waiting for her to crook a finger. If he stayed close enough, she would notice him, she would fall for him. He watched her date asshole after asshole, the whole time she kept him, and other boys as well, on the hook.

I was younger than her by four years, which meant he was five years older. For a highschooler to look at a middle schooler was unheard of, but I hoped and fantasized and dreamed. I wrote him letters I never gave him, pouring my heart out to him. He never looked my way. I was the annoying little sister, the odd one.

I had been born premature and I stayed small my whole life. I never had the model long legs, the graceful sway, the bright smile and glowing personality. I was a nerd who liked the wrong clothes and the wrong music. Worse, I never even hit five feet. In a family full of exceptional athletes and tall adonises, I was some sort of weird throwback. Like Danny Devito in Twins. Both my younger brothers had outgrown me by fifth grade, turning into basketball players. My sister the homecoming queen, my brothers the superstar basketball players and me. The quiet kid in the corner with a book. The one with the flannel shirt four sizes too big (nothing is worse than getting your YOUNGEST brothers hand me downs) and the jeans from the kids section at walmart.

My house was the party house. My older sister, and older brother were popular, my younger brothers too. We were dirt poor but no one cared. Everyone was always at my house. All my siblings had names but me. We were Angel, Aric, Adam, Asher and Angels little sister. That's who I was. Angels little sister. Or, depending on who you talked to, Adams little sister, Arics little sister or Ashers little sister. It didn't matter that I was older than Adam and Asher, I was still their little sister. If pressed for a name, they would usually joke, 'well I know it starts with an A!'. (It didn't.) Of course it didn't. I was the ONE child my father got to name and I am pretty sure it was because my mother didn't expect me to live. I wasn't supposed to live more than three days. So I got to be named after a character in my fathers favorite book series. Nynaeve. A name no one could pronounce, a name no one had ever heard of.

Years later, I still thought of Jake and how much I had adored him. I wondered about him, what had become of him. Was he still pining after Angel? Even after she had married a rich guy, had his child and divorced him, taking him for a criminal amount of money. Almost immediately, she started seeing another rich man, but hadn't married him yet. She wanted to milk the first guy for all he was worth first. I had never understood my sister.

I glanced around the greyhound bus, though I couldn't see anyone really. It was dark and everyone was napping. I couldn't sleep. Every time I took a trip home, my mind went back to those days, the insecurity, the anger, the unrequited love. I was in college now, I hadn't seen my sister in years. I hadn't seen Jake in years. My mother gave me updates on Angel and I followed her on facebook, but not Jake. He wasn't on facebook. I always imagined him going into farming like his father and grandfather. It was the thing to do in our small hometown. Farming or the factory. I could see his sparkling brown eyes when he smiled, matching his dark brown hair. He was adorable. He wasn't model perfect, he was too short for one. Shorter than my sister even if not by much. Anyone could have told him that would have ruled him out. She never dated anyone shorter than she was.

The guy across the isle flipped his light on and opened a book. He glanced up and met my eyes and smiled. He was cute in a skinny, hipster sort of way. Not my type, but it was nice to be smiled at. I smiled back.

"You traveling all alone?" he asked in a condescending tone with a mock impressed air.

My smile disappeared and I sighed. "I am on my way home from U.N.O. I'm a sophomore. In college."

"Oh. Oh! Sorry, I shouldn't have assumed... so... you are over eighteen?"

I sighed again and turned to look out the window, ignoring the man. My size was still a huge issue. Most of my college classmates assumed I was some child prodigy and they spoke to me in the same condescending tone the man had used, or they ignored me. The few people, like my roommate, who did know I was over 21 treated me normally, but still excluded me. I was too much trouble. The one time they tried to bring me clubbing, the bouncer refused to let me in. He said no matter how good the forgery, my ID still had to be fake. It had caused a huge scene. I wasn't worth that much trouble. She had tried to set me up a few times, but the guys usually showed no interest. Polite but disinterested. The one guy who did seem interested very crassly asked me if my pussy was as tight as he was imagining it was. Gross. No thanks.

So I learned to adjust my life to this norm and didn't resent it too much anymore. I avoided going home unless it was like now. Summer break. I didn't get the internship I had last summer like I wanted to. They told me I was already a shoe-in when I graduated, they wanted to try out new interns. I had assumed I was going to get it, they were over the top about how they couldn't wait for me. It never occurred to me they would say no, so I didn't make any other arrangements. Home it was. I hoped it wouldn't be too long, I wanted to find a job quick and get out of there, but I had a hard time getting hired. Interning was the best way for me because they could see how hard I worked and how smart I was before they let their first impressions overrule my credentials. For whatever reason, no one wanted to hire a girl who looked like she should still be in middle school.

To my shock, the man moved to the seat next to me, smiling down at me with an open grin. "I didn't mean to offend you," he said quietly. "I bet you get that a lot and you are sick to death of it. What's your major?"

"Industrial Engineering."

"Oh, wow! I am majoring in photography. Maybe you could let me take a few pictures of you? You going all the way to Kansas City or do you have another bus to catch there?"

"I am stopping in KC, but I have an UBER waiting to take me home."

"You live in KC too? I am down by the plaza, how about you?"

"An hour out of town in a farmtown."

"Maybe you could give me your snapchat and we could hook up, I could get some pictures of your farmgirl life?"

"It's a farmtown, but I don't live on a farm. I live in an old trailer in the city proper. It's less Norman Rockwell and more Saatchi."

"Well shit. You are a smart girl, aren't you? What's your name?"

"Nynaeve. Eve for short."

"Nynaeve. Where have I heard that name?"

"It's from a book."

"That's probably where. I'm Lennon. Here, this is my snap," he said, scribbling on a slip of paper he tore off the receipt he was using as a bookmark. "You should keep in touch."

I looked up at the boy and his bright smile. I had learned over the years to read people well, sitting back and watching. He wasn't serious, he was passing time. Flirting because he was bored.

"Sure," I answered, taking the paper. I would toss it later. No reason to hurt his feelings.

He turned towards me, leaning in and putting his hand on my thigh. "You know, I could probably give you a ride once we get to KC. I have a friend picking me up, but he would let me use his car. Give us a little more time to get to know each other." His fingers lightly squeezed my thigh.

I met his eyes as I pushed his hand off my thigh. "No thanks," I answered, not smiling. He took the hint. He offered a halfhearted smile, then moved back to his own seat.

The rest of the trip was short and quiet. I got my bags and climbed into my UBER without ever looking at 'Lennon' (I'd bet money that wasn't his real name) again.

That ride took longer. The huge woman in the front seat was loud and loved to hear herself talk. She also thought she was hilarious. She also thought I was 12 so her jokes were aimed at a juvenile level. It was the longest hour of my life.

Arriving home was with zero fanfare. I opened the front door quietly, then locked it behind me, then collapsed on the familiar old couch and fell asleep. Adam and Asher were supposed to share a room over the summer, but I was certain they wouldn't actually do it until I arrived, which meant the couch for the night. What was left of it.

Morning arrived early with Asher and Adam both leaving early, not saying a word to me, though I knew they saw me. I didn't rate a hello, not this early. They both worked for a farmer in the summer. I didn't know the details, I only knew they posted a lot on facebook about cows and hay and beans and tractors and combines. Words I had grown up with but were as unfamiliar as greek. I had no interest and no interest meant I didn't bother.

My dad was up next and he offered a small nod before heading out to his shift at the factory. Metal work. A lot of heat, a lot of shitty coworkers and worse bosses.

My mother was last. I was already up and shoving Adams things into the other room when she finally got up.

"Oh! Is it Thursday already?"

"Friday now mom, I got in last night. Did you pick up my scrips?"

"No, forgot. Well you are settling in well enough. Did you eat? Is there any left?"

"No, not yet. I didn't make anything. I was going to head up to the store, I will grab an apple there."

"Pick up milk," she said, closing herself into the bathroom.

I sighed. "Hello to you too," I whispered.

I knew I had a bike in the old shed somewhere, but I decided to walk the six blocks to the little five and dime. It was early enough it was still cool out and there were hardly any people there.

Walking out, I got the shock of my life. Jake. Jake Mason was standing next to his same old truck talking to Stoney Allard. My hand went to my loose ponytail and I tried to straighten the old tshirt I was wearing. Was it obvious I wasn't wearing a bra? Shit!

Maybe I could sneak around?

I no sooner had the thought than he turned and looked right at me, Stoney too. His eyes took me in and he offered a partial smile, his eyes sparkling. "You look familiar," he offered.

My heart sank.

"That's Arics little sister. Ava? Ava," Stoney offered. Hell he was almost close!

"Eve," I corrected quickly, still staring wide eyed at Jake.

"Eve," Jake repeated, looking confused. "The one with the books?"

"Uhh... yeah."

"Haven't seen you around much."

"No. I'm in college up at U.N.O. Scholarship. Uhh.. engineering," I offered, though he hadn't asked.

"See you later Stoney," Jake said, turning to the large man he'd been talking to. "Hop in Eva, I'll give you a ride home."

I climbed in, shaking from head to toe. Jake! Jake was offering me a ride home! "Uhh, it's just Eve," I said as he got in. "Short for Nynaeve. Just Eve."

"Like Adam and Eve?"

"Sure. Yeah. I haven't heard from Angel, we don't talk much."

"I didn't ask," he said darkly, scowling.

So, I guess he had moved on from her. I swallowed hard, wracking my brain for something to say. "Uhh... so you farming now?"

"Painting most days, with my uncle. I got the day off, it's his anniversary and his wife is making him take her to Branson. Here. Tell your mom I said hi."

"Uh, thanks Jake."

"Yup. Hey, how long are you back for?"

"All summer?"

"Good to know. Card game out at Shauns tonight. You remember how to get to his place?"

"Ummm, I never went to his place. I was sort of a homebody."

"I guess you were. I will pick you up then. Six. Later!"

He pulled away and I stared at his old truck until it disappeared, wide eyed. Had that just happened? Was I going on a DATE with Jake? Of course not. He was just being nice. Right? There would be a lot of people from school days there. Kids we had grown up with. I was just being included. Then why was my heart pounding so hard?

I turned and ran inside, shoving the milk into the fridge. "Mom!?! Mom???"

"What Eve?" she snapped, coming out of the bathroom with the curling iron wrapped around her hair.

"Can I use the car? I need to go into the city and grab a couple things?"

"I'm already going into the burg, you will have to wait and come with me," she answered, ducking back into the bathroom.

I was losing my mind by four that afternoon. We were FINALLY on our way home. She hadn't told me she had an entire day worth of errands! My shopping took less than half an hour. I hurried into the house and closeted myself into my room, trying on my new dress again and my new shoes. I smiled at my reflection. No one would mistake me for a child tonight! I did my hair, twisting it up off my neck and then tackled my make-up. I rarely wore it and when I did it was light. Tonight was no exception, but I still felt like it had to be perfect.

I was waiting in the living room at a quarter till, practically vibrating.

Adam walked out of his room, followed by Asher and they both scowled at me. "You have a date? Where are you going?" Asher demanded.

"No, not a date, just going to go hang out with some old friends."

"You had friends?" Adam teased.

I ignored them and they left in the car they shared.

Jake was prompt and I hurried out before my mom could say anything, or even see anything I hoped. He leaned over the seat and opened the door from the inside and I climbed in awkwardly. I had not considered climbing into a high truck with a short dress.

"You hardly look like the same girl as earlier," he noted, pulling out.

"Oh, uhh, yeah. Grabbing milk for mom straight out of bed, you know."

He shrugged. "Suits you better than the dress," he countered.

"Oh. You don't like the dress?"

He shrugged again.

I stared wide eyed out the windshield, watching the trees pass by on the gravel roads. He pulled off suddenly and put the truck in park. He sat back and stared ahead for a long time.

"Jake?" I asked softly.

"I saw you," he said suddenly.

"What?"

"When you were a kid. I saw you. I saw the way you looked at me. I ignored you. I'm sorry."

"Oh. It's no big, I was a kid."

"It is a big, whatever the fuck that means. I know how it feels to be ignored. Passed over, not noticed. It hurt. A LOT. Then I realized I was no better."

"No. That's not true at all. You never gave me hope, you never led me on. You never once made me think you even knew I existed. I know she kept you on a string. You never did that."

"Maybe not, but I still shouldn't have just ignored you."

"I was a little kid. You didn't owe me anything. So is that why you asked me to come tonight? A pity invite to apologize for the past?"

"No. No, I asked you for another reason," he said, putting the truck in gear again. He was quiet as he drove and I watched him, feeling uneasy.

He pulled into a long driveway and the further on it went, the more nervous I got. When he finally stopped in front of a small house that was completely dark, I felt my stomach sink completely.

"Is this... Shauns place? Where is everyone?"

"It's my place," he answered, getting out of the truck and coming around to the door. He opened my door and offered his hand. I looked at his face. His eyes were full of heat and anger and something I could not place. A drive. "Are you coming?" he asked, gesturing with his hand again.

"I thought we were going to play cards?" I asked, trepidation in my voice. I put my hand in his and he helped me down.

"I cancelled. I decided I wanted to talk to you. Come on," he said, keeping hold of my hand and pulling me into his house.

It was a small house, but it was new. It was the kind with the metal shell and open interior. He had it built well, even if the furniture was sparse. He led me to the couch and swung me to sit as he moved and turned on the light in another room. I wondered why he was keeping the living room dark with only indirect light?

"Umm..." I began as he threw himself onto the couch, facing me.

"I have a lot to say," he said quietly. "I spent my entire highschool years chasing after your sister, trying to get her to notice me, to love me like I loved her. I wasted years on her. By the time I knew, it was too late, it was too late for me. I was the guy who chased an Angel and lost. This shitty, small town, there was nothing left. I have spent a long time dwelling on it, getting angry over it, planning how I was going to get back at her. I don't need to though, do I?"

"No?" I asked, not liking where I was sure this was going.

"I have a Miller girl. Right here with me. I don't need her, I have you. I have you and you won't be going anywhere."

"Umm..."

"Will you?"

"Uhh... I think... I think maybe we should talk a little more about this..."

"What is the issue? I have what I want, you have what you have been dreaming of."

"Ummm... Jake? I don't think this is really the right way to..."

"You don't get to tell me how to do anything. You don't get to have any more control over me!" he yelled angrily.

"I'm not Angel! I am nothing like her! You cannot blame me for her issues!"

"No. You aren't Angel. What you are is mine. I don't like that dress, take it off."

"Uhh... what? I can't just..."

"Take. It. Off!" he spat angrily. He stood and went to the room with the light. I eyed the door and kicked my high heels off, ready to run, but he reappeared immediately, throwing a t-shirt at me. "Put that on."

I pulled the t-shirt on and slipped out of the dress, wriggling out of it under the shirt so that he never saw anything. I tossed the dress onto his coffee table, but he never broke eye contact with me.

"Tell me about you," he demanded.

"Ummm..."

"Stop saying 'umm' and 'uhh'. I know you are smart stop sounding stupid."

"Oh... What do you want to know?"

"Everything. I knew everything about your sister, I was obsessed with her. I want to know everything about you. Like you know everything about me, I am sure."

"I am majoring in Industrial Engineering... I have a job lined up already with a huge firm in Omaha..."

"Not happening. You live here now."

"Jake, you can't just..."

"What is your favorite color?"

"Red? I guess?"

"Food?"

"I like almost everything really, just not anything hot or too spicy."

"Which sports do you like?"

"None? I like books..."

"I don't read."

"I know. You like to hunt."

"What else, besides read?"

"I'm good at math but I don't like it."

"Your panties are red, I saw them. Is your bra red too?"

"Umm, yeah."

"Same lace?"

"Matching set, they came together."

"For me? You buy them today after you went to town with your mom?"

"How did you know I..."

"I was there. The store you went to was in the same lot as the Ace Hardware I was at. I saw you come out with bags. So you planned on me seeing your underwear?"

"I just wanted to feel... nice."

"Sexy."

"Yes."

"Show me," he said, leaning back and dropping his eyes to my bare legs.

"I don't think..."

"I wasn't asking."

"Jake," I began, chewing my lip worriedly. "I think... I think you have changed a lot. I'm not sure... I don't think I..."

"You don't think you are still in love with me? You were never in love with me. You had a crush. I'm the same guy, I'm just not putting up with shit anymore. I won't let another girl string me along. Show me the panties. Stop looking at the door, it's locked. I have the key. I have the key to the back door too, you aren't going anywhere. Show me."

I squirmed uncomfortably, but part of me was also a little in awe. Jake, who I had been in love with for longer than I could remember, wanted to see me. I lifted my eyes to his, trying to tell if he was just messing with me. A group of his shitty friends would jump out and laugh at me any minute. I felt myself blush as his eyes held mine. He was serious and he was still angry. I pulled the side of the t-shirt up and let him see my hip, the side of the lacy underwear. His eyes dropped and he cocked his head as he took in the underwear and my bare legs.