tagHumor & SatireJam and Jerusalem

Jam and Jerusalem



'And now ladies, I will announce the results of the homemade preserves contest: In third place was Mrs Patterson's beetroot chutney. The second prize goes to Mrs Hamilton-Smyth with her celery and walnut conserve. The first prize once again is taken by the Reverend Betty Finch with her delicious damson jam.'

A ripple of applause rang round the Widebotham village hall.

'Now ladies, I come to the third item on our agenda: The Annual Calendar. As you will all be aware, we did extremely well with our Nude Calendar for several years. It was quite ground-breaking in its day and at first caused not a little controversy. The W.I. likes to be at the forefront of social conventions and is always ready to break new ground. In that spirit, last year the Calendar Sub-committee decided to move the boundaries even further and for the first time produced a Spanking Calendar. It was a runaway success and we had to have several reprints to satisfy demand. Building on our success it has been decided to repeat the exercise. At this stage I would like to call upon Miss Hermione Jones, The chair of the Calendar sub-committee to give us an update of progress on this year's production. Miss Jones, if you please.'

'Thank you Madam Chairman, ladies. I am pleased to be able to tell you that January to July and in the can, so to speak. I will be requiring more volunteers for August to December. Once again we have been fortunate to secure the services of Colonel Musketblast to take on the role of spanker. He and Mrs Musketblast have been kind enough to allow us to use the Grange and the grounds for our production. I would like to say a special thank you to Mrs Musketblast for allowing us to prevail upon her husband once again. As you know, he has not been in the best of health and I know Mrs Musketblast was somewhat concerned about the exertion. Colonel and Mrs Musketblast are a very public-spirited couple and have been unstinting in their support. I should mention that Mrs Musketblast provided refreshments throughout the long editing session and her homemade ginger biscuits were delicious. I have secured the use of a slide projector and Mr Dodderington, our photographer, has produced a number of excellent slides so I can show you how we are getting on.'

There was a ripple of excitement and the ladies leaned forward in their seats as the projector was switched on.

'Here we have Miss January. As you can see, there was snow on the ground and a naughty Miss January has thrown a snowball at the colonel, knocking off his deerstalker cap. The colonel has made Miss January lean against the fence as he lifts her fur coat and has pulled down her winter drawers and delivered a stroke with a thin branch he has taken from a nearby bush. As you can see there is quite a noticeable red stripe on Miss January's bottom. Thank you whoever donated the pair of pink directoire drawers to our props department. They look most authentic in this winter scene.

Now Miss February. This was taken in the Colonel's study. Miss February is dressed in fur coat (faux of course, we do not encourage the exploitation of animals) and fur hat. Unfortunately the silly girl has forgotten her knickers, so the colonel has taken her over his knee for a hand spanking. As you can see her cheeks have taken on a nice pink glow.'

'Wait a moment, Hermione; I believe you have a question from the floor. Mrs Pinkerton has had her hand raised for some time. Yes, Mrs Pinkerton, what is it?'

'Through the chair, may I enquire whether these spankings are real or is the effect produced by the use of makeup?'

''Ah, a very good question. This matter was thrashed out (excuse the pun) at a meeting of the sub-committee. It was decided that the W.I. could not condone fakery and in any case several of the ladies have found these sessions most exhilarating. Improves the circulation, what.'

'Does that answer your question, Mrs Pinkerton?'

'Thank you Madam chairman.'

'Pray continue, Hermione.'

'Thank you Madam chairman. We now come to March and as you know the March winds were quite strong this year. Here we have Miss March walking in the grounds of The Grange with Colonel Musketblast. A gust of wind has blown up Miss March's kilt and exposed her bottom. I am informed that she is wearing what I believe is known as a thong. The colonel, unable to resist the temptation has delivered a playful smack. As you see he has left a rather impressive handprint.

I rather like Miss April. We had to wait for the right weather conditions for this shot. As you can see, a completely naked Miss April is standing in a shower of rain in the grounds of The Grange. She is holding up a large golf umbrella sheltering her and the Colonel, who is dressed in his Burberry trench coat and trilby hat. He appears to have turned her bottom a delightful cherry red with a hand spanking. I know Mrs Musketblast was a little concerned about this shot and was on standby with two glasses of hot toddy and thick towels. Thank you again, Mrs Musketblast.

Spring is in the air and Miss May has bent over to pick one of the Colonel's early blooms. She is wearing a rather short skirt without her bloomers (ha, ha), providing an easy target for the gallant colonel, who delivers a sharp, punishing spank.

June is busting out all over, as the saying goes. As you see Miss June's ample proportions are a bit too much for her tiny bikini. The colonel is punishing her by pulling down her bikini bottoms and spanking her with his beach shoe. Naughty Miss June! Finally Miss July. I think you will agree that the colonel cuts a dashing figure in his Edwardian one-piece bathing suit. Miss July has been sunbathing in the nude next to the Grange outdoor swimming pool. The colonel has made her stand on the high diving board as he spanks her bare bottom.

That, Madam chairman concludes my presentation and I look forward to completing our project. To that end would ladies who wish to be include please add your names to the sheet of paper I will pass round.'

'Thank you, Hermione. If there are no questions I will continue with our agenda. We now come to the raffle draw. The prize today is a bottle of the Rector's elderflower presse. After the draw we will all stand and join in a rousing rendition of "Jerusalem." Thank you ladies.

NOTE. If anyone would like a copy of next year's calendar please do not ask the author, but address any queries to: The Chairman, Calendar Sub-committee, Widebothom W.I., Widebotham Village, Whippingdale, North Yorkshire, UK.

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