Jane Doe - AKA "Miss Nobody" Pt. 07

I smiled sweetly at Jenny.

"Are you ready to be a mom?" I inquired. "I mean with everything that's happened?"

"Oh yes!" she replied. "More than ever, I think. It's time I grew up and stopped being so wild anyway. You helped me with that, and also to learn how to truly love someone. I'm ready to share that love with you and as many children as we want to have. Honestly Jack, I'd be happy to stay barefoot and pregnant all the time. You'll make a wonderful husband and father for my kids- no, OUR kids."

"Thank you." I said with a huge smile. "I've always wanted kids, but I never thought it would happen. I'm not getting any younger, and it's hard to meet women who still want children at my age, and younger women usually are just in it for the money."

"Well I guess you don't have to worry about that part!" Jenny exclaimed.

"Even if you didn't have a penny, then I'd work overtime to support you." I said seriously. "I love you so much. That's really all that matters anyway."

She nodded in agreement.

"Yes. Even if something were to happen and that trust wasn't there, I'd find a way to be with you. I'd wait tables or something to help out." she responded. "God, I must really love you! I've never worked a day in my life, Jack! I can't imagine what it would be like, but I'd darn sure do it to have a family with you."

"That's probably the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me." I replied.

"Well I meant it!" she responded vigorously. "I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else, and if I lost all of my money, I'd have someone that really loved me by my side."

I smiled again, and we kissed one more time before I reached over and turned the lamp off on the nightstand.

"Good night." Jenny whispered. "Sweet dreams, my love."

The next day found us on a three way call with her attorney in Louisville. Since Jenny was very much alive and well, her personal accounts had been unfrozen and she suddenly found herself with access to a little over two million dollars of spending money at her fingertips until the whole court debacle was over.

"I want Jack to have access to all of my accounts, Mr. Nelson." she informed him. "What is mine is his. I want that to be clear."

"That's most unusual." Mr. Nelson responded. "Of course, you'll need to come out here and sign some paperwork for all of that. Oh, by the way, your brother and sister are going to be arraigned tomorrow. Why don't you kill two birds with one stone? You can be there for the arraignment and then we can head back to my office to sign all of the paperwork."

"I'd just love to meet my future brother and sister-in-law." I interjected. "I want to see the looks on their faces when this all goes down. Give us the address and time, and we'll hit the road tonight to get there."

"Email sent." Mr. Nelson replied. "I'll meet you there at 9:00 AM."

"Looking forward to it." I replied. "Out for now."

"Jack," Jenny suggested, "since we're already going to be on the road anyway, why don't we just drive across the country and see everything that I remember from 'This land is your land'? The redwood forest, the diamond deserts, the wheat fields blowing?"

"Because I have a 2012 Nissan Versa hatchback that will get us to Kentucky if we are lucky, but I have no idea how much further." I sighed. "It won't go into gear until it warms up-"

"Jack," Jenny interrupted politely, "we don't need to take your car. Let's go buy a new one this afternoon, come home and load it up with our clothes and stuff, and hit the damn highway. From here on out, you don't have to worry about a thing, okay? In fact, just leave that thing there to be donated to charity or something."

I thought about her suggestion for all of five seconds before I nodded in agreement.

"Um, okay." I said, scratching my head. "What do you want to get? I mean, we'll need something with a lot of room for our gear. Maybe good gas mileage. I don't know; four wheel drive in case we want to go off road in a park or something?"

"Forget gas mileage." Jenny answered lightly. "Fuel economy is not going to be an issue with this purchase. We're still looking for a lot of land in the middle of nowhere. If we need to go off road to check out a piece of property, then a hatchback ain't gonna cut the mustard, Mister. We need a real vehicle for the real world."

"What did you have in mind?" I inquired.

Four hours later, we were signing the paperwork on a full sized tan Hummer with wheels almost as tall as my ex wife.

"Now this," Jenny said with a huge grin, as she navigated the beige behemoth out of the parking lot, "is an SU mother-effing V! Wild America, here we come!"

With that, she began whistling the Happy Wanderer refrain, "Valderi, valdera! Valderi, valder-ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha."

Now I'm familiar with that 1950's song from my dad, but where in the hell did a high falluting Millennial socialite learn that damned song?! In good time, I would learn so many things about my beautiful fiancee, but for now, I was content to simply enjoy her presence and make a few observations every now and then.

We hit a red light that had us backed up for at least a hundred feet, despite the fact that we wanted to go left, and the tiny turning lane up front had a green arrow. This wasn't about to stop Jenny and her Mighty Magical Mystery Machine, however. She pulled the beast into low gear and cranked the wheel, easily scaling the concrete median and driving up the wrong side of the road to the left turn lane. We made it just in time to miss the red light, but a few seconds later, a mass of both red and blue lights filled the rear-view mirror, as a sheriff's deputy lit us up like a red, white and blue Christmas tree in the middle of July.

"Ah, shit!" Jenny muttered, as she pulled to the side of the road. "I guess I shouldn't have been wandering so soon. Dammit, that's what I get for being so over confident so soon."

She rolled the window down, and the deputy had to step up to peer in the window. I was somewhat relieved to recognize him, so I was confident we'd be good to go in a minute or two.

"Driver's license and registration please, Miss." he said respectfully, yet authoritatively. "You can't drive up the wrong side of the road like that."

I leaned forward and caught his eye.

"Hey Red!" I said enthusiastically.

"Councilman Peters?!" he responded somewhat incredulously. "Would you care to explain this situation to me, please?"

"Um... yeah," I replied, "this is my fiancee, Jenny. She's been in the hospital for a couple of years and this is her first time back on the road. I guess she got a little excited about getting back behind the wheel and all. I do apologize for her most raucous behavior."

Red gazed at her intently for a few seconds and smiled.

"You're the mystery patient on TV!" he exclaimed. "I recognize you now. Say Jack, that was a sweet bust you made on City General last month!"

"Thanks." I said with a smile. "Look Red, I don't mean to push it or anything, but we're on our way to Louisville, so she can see her family go to court for what they did to her. We've got to be there in the morning, and she got a little carried away with the power this beast has. We just bought it literally, like five minutes ago. I promise you, I will give her driving instructions to ensure this does not happen again."

"I don't know." Red responded, somewhat dubiously. He was obviously going to cut her loose, but he still wanted to make a point. "Didn't you used to be a stunt driver on TV?"

"Well yeah," I replied, "but I also have a CDL. I'll teach her the good stuff."

"Hmm, I don't know." Red said, scratching his chin for emphasis. "This is the end of the month and I'm low on my quota."

Jenny looked a little concerned, and I did my best to stifle a grin.

"I know damned well you don't have a quota!" I burst out. "C'mon, Bro. We've got to be in Louisville in the morning. We're on our way out of town. Seriously, you made your point."

"Hmm... well, okay." he said somewhat reluctantly.

Suddenly, he burst into a huge grin.

"What's in Louisville that's so important you were driving on the wrong side of the road, anyway?" he asked, crossing his arms and leaning onto the edge of the window.

"Her brother and sister are going to be arraigned for conspiring to commit fraud." I answered. "They're the ones that kept her in a coma all this time. We want to see the looks on their faces when they see her in person."

"I don't blame you." Red responded. "Get out of here!"

A few hours later, we were all loaded up and hitting the interstate toward the great unofficial border state of Kentuckiana. We stopped somewhere in Tennessee to get dinner, as we were both getting hungry.

"Anything that has 'steak' 'Texas' or 'roadhouse' in the title gets my attention." I noted, as we headed for what looked like a nice steakhouse.

"Me too." Jenny agreed. "Maybe we should buy one."

I wasn't sure if she was serious or joking, so I passed it off and pulled into the parking area. The Hummer wouldn't fit into the tiny parking spaces, so I went around back and took up four of them. We were in no way taking up parking for anyone else, so we thought nothing of it as we went inside for dinner. We returned about an hour later; eager to get back on the road.

"That was good." Jenny said, as we buckled up. "I love prime rib!"

"Oh yeah!" I agreed enthusiastically. "Steak and potatoes; the American dinner."

It was then, that I noticed a handbill under the windshield wiper. I rolled the window down and reached around to pull it out.

"What's that?" Jenny inquired.

"Oh, it's an anti-meat letter." I muttered, reading it aloud. "'There isn't enough room on this planet for God's creatures as it is. Please don't eat them.' Don't they realize that many animals are alive today simply because they ARE tasty and delicious?"

"There's plenty of room for ALL of God's creatures!" Jenny asserted. "Right next to the mashed potatoes and gravy! Throw that thing out the goddamn window. We have miles to make, with our bellies full of delicious steak."

I guffawed in response, and headed back to the interstate. We arrived in Louisville a little early, with about an hour and a half to kill.

"Better early than late." I observed. "Now what?"

"Do you like Kentucky Fried Chicken?" Jenny inquired.

"Well, yeah." I replied. "Who doesn't? You know, I met Colonel Sanders once, when I was about two years old."

"Really?" she responded, her eyes open wide. "Do tell."

"Yeah. He used to show up when they would open new restaurants." I explained. "Not like they do today. Anyway, he was at this new location in Wallingford, Connecticut back in like 1970, and Dad took me there to see him. I remember Dad picking me up so I could shake his hand. He was so nice! I remember him as being so kindly and gentle. I didn't know who he was at the time; just this friendly guy with a goatee.

"Like I said, I didn't know who he was at that age, but I did remember the eleven herbs and spices thing though. He shook my hand and I said, 'what are the special spices?' He looked at me and whispered in my ear, and this is the God's honest truth, 'It's the sage.'"

"The sage?" Jenny echoed. "What does that mean?"

"I don't know." I said, shrugging my shoulders. "I've seen this supposed recipe online that's supposed to be the secret recipe, but I think it's for the rotisserie chicken, and not the fried chicken. There's no sage in it. Why would he tell a toddler the secret ingredient to his fried chicken? I mean, he literally whispered it in my ear. Then, he motioned to some guy by the counter, and he gave us a record album called, 'Merry Christmas, from Colonel Sanders.'"

"Colonel Sanders made a Christmas album?" Jenny asked incredulously. "I didn't know he could sing."

"He couldn't." I replied dryly. "It was various artists that he compiled into a Christmas record."

"He's buried a few miles away, in Cave Hill Cemetery." Jenny informed me. "That's why I asked if you liked Kentucky Fried Chicken. He died before I was even born. I had no idea you'd actually met him when I asked you that."

"I met Bob Evans one time too." I chimed in. "We were in Ohio, and this really nice guy was standing by the front door, giving out free tickets to his farm as we were leav-"

"Would you like to see his grave?" Jenny cut in.

"Bob Evans died too?" I asked sadly. "Such a shame. He had such a nice farm too. I'll bet Marie Calender's next. Poor Chef Boyardee."

"Colonel Sanders, you asshole!" Jenny burst out in exasperation. "I told you, he's buried in Cave Hill Cemetery. We can visit his grave before we have to meet in court, if you'd like. The whole cemetery is also an arboretum," she added, as I turned back onto Bardstown Rd.

We entered the cemetery, and just as Jenny had explained, it was also an arboretum. I had never seen anything like it before. It was laid out just like any other arboretum, with all of the trees and plants professionally labeled, except that there were also graves laid out in there as well! The whole design was a symbiosis of live plant and dead animal. It was really cool, in a really morbid sort of way; unique in its depressing qualities.

Jenny directed me up the hill and around several curves, before she suddenly pointed off to the left.

"There it is." she indicated. "Pull off here."

I stopped the behemoth half on and half off the skinny road, hoping I hadn't parked on top of any gravestones in the process. We exited the vehicle, and Jenny led the way.

"Here it is." she said, pointing to a simple flat stone.

I was stunned, to say the least. I would have expected a huge monolith, or at least a vertical head stone of some sort, but not a simple slab of cold, gray granite laying on the ground. There was no mention of Kentucky Fried Chicken, or anything extravagant at all, until I looked up and saw a small memorial behind everything.

Still, I was intrigued by the flat stone. It gave his full name, birth and death, along with his wife's as well. What garnered my attention were the three symbols below his name: the square and compass of the Freemasons, the Shriner's and the triangle of the mysterious 33rd Degree. My thoughts were interrupted however, by Jenny's voice in my ear.

"We have forty five minutes." she informed me. "Time to go, Hon. We can come back another time, if you really want to."

"No," I replied, "it's okay. I was just curious, that's all. Let's go. I want to see the looks on your brother and sister's faces, when you confront them."

"Okay," she replied, "but I really want to stop by the Dizzy Whizz for a down home Whizz Burger, later on."

Thirty minutes later, we were parked across the street from the courthouse. I put my arm around Jenny's waist and led her across the street and up the steps. She suddenly smiled and broke free, darting over to an older gentleman in his mid sixties or so.

"Mr. Nelson!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms around him.

"Jenny!" he said with a huge grin. "Oh, Little Girl, you sure have grown up!"

"Mr. Nelson, this is my fiance, Jack. He's the one who rescued me from my coma. He's the one I want you to add to all of my holdings."

Mr. Nelson looked at me up one side and down the other, before finally extending his hand in greeting.

"Councilman, it is indeed a pleasure to make your acquaintance." he said very professionally, yet almost robotic-like.

"It's Jack." I replied coolly, but with a close mouthed smile. "Look, everyone has a name, despite their title. When I met the president, I called him George. And you are?"

"Bobby." he replied with a grin. "It's great to meet you, Jack. What you did for Miss Jenny... well, I can't even begin to thank you. Her grandpa was like an uncle to me. Whatever I can do to help the two of you; you just let me know."

I nodded and smiled.

"Once all of this is over and done with, we want to start some charitable foundations and a movie production company, and buy a huge honking piece of land in the middle of nowhere." I explained. "We'll need a good financial investor and a lot of legal advice. I'm hoping we can retain you for the latter."

"I have been council to this family for more than thirty years." Bobby sighed. "I never, ever, thought I would see what has happened here, happen. Jenny was always the wild one, but she never did anything devious. That is why I am representing her today, along with you, instead of her greedy siblings."

"Where are they?" I asked through clenched teeth. "I want to meet them."

Jenny suddenly pointed, like Donald Sutherland in the remake of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," and let out an ear-splitting screech.

"There they are!" she shrieked, as she spied them with their own attorneys. "Those fucking bastards!"

Jenny lunged forward, but I grabbed her around the waist and pulled her back. She twisted and desperately fought to break free, but I held her firmly.

"Don't do it here!" I whispered fiercely. "I now how you feel, but leave it for the courtroom. Face them with pride. Show them who the better person is."

Jenny remained tense for several seconds, but then relaxed into my arms as I held her tightly. I stroked her hair gently, and whispered soothingly into her ear.

"I hate them!" she cried. "They wanted me dead! I hate them, Jack! I hate them! I hate them!"

"Wait here." I said authoritatively. "I'll take care of it for you."

"Jack!" Bobby cautioned. "Don't ruin this case!"

"Don't worry." I said over my shoulder. "I know what I'm doing."

I strode up to the brother and sister who had done their best to steal my beautiful fiancee's identity out of sheer greed. Both of them shrank back as I approached.

"Stay back!" one of their attorneys demanded.

"Shut up!" I retorted. "If I want your opinion I'll fart, got it?"

"What do you want?" the other attorney inquired in a more respectful tone, although his voice was still laden with trepidation. "We don't want any trouble here."

"Neither do I." I replied in as professional a tone of voice as I could muster. "I just wanted to thank your pathetic little clients for allowing me the opportunity to meet the most beautiful woman in the world, and then to meet them face to face today, to not only thank them for the wonderful gift they have given me, but to also thank them for the opportunity to totally fucking destroy them before the laws of this nation, for the crimes they have committed."

I looked at my future in-laws with utter disdain.

"At least Teddy Kennedy openly drowned his problem." I snarled. "You two chicken shits left your own sister to live a waking nightmare for two years. We're not going to testify today. I don't want her reliving that waking nightmare all over again.

"Don't worry though. There's more than enough evidence to put you both away for the next thirty years. During that time, I want you to reflect on what you did to your own sister in the name of greed. Family is family though, so once a year - on both of your birthdays - we will both come to visit you, maybe even with our children, to remind you of the family that Jenny and I have together, while you both rot in prison."

I turned to leave, but pivoted back around for one final jab.

"And we'll both be spending all of YOUR money in the meantime!"

I let out a howling laugh, and waved at them as I returned to my beautiful fiancee.

"You handled that a lot better than I would have." Jenny admitted. "I wanted to kick that fucker right square in the balls."

"I know." I responded gently. "Me too, but I think the one thing that will haunt them for the rest of their lives, is that their greed caused all of this, and that we both got their money instead. Let's remind them of that, every year on their birthdays. That will be the worst thing they can have happen to them. In the meantime, you and I have an impending family to prepare for.