Jay's Loelife Ch. 04

"And if I fall by accident?"

"See how I have the rope like this--" he shows me how the rope is securely in a little clip, "this will stop you. Simply grab the rope like this and, viola! You can rappel down."

He makes it look so easy but I'm still feeling nervous as we set up. I look at him as he grabs his first hold. "Could you wear a harness?"

"This is nothing."

"I know. I'd feel a lot better if you wore one though."

He studies me for a minute then jogs to the lockers and gets a harness. He has it on and ready to go before he gets back.

Loren takes the green problem and I take yellow. "You don't have to show off," I say as he climbs the wall like a cat while I climb like a cow.

"You're a professional athlete, I need to take my wins where I can get them. Plus, I have a feeling you catch on quick with shit like this. We'll be neck and neck before long."

We climb wall after wall. I do catch on quickly, I always have, but I'm nowhere near his level. Loren is...insanely good. He climbs with more ease than he walks. And the best part, he's smiling the whole time, which I love. Especially when it's directed at me. He may be kind of distant and sarcastic by nature, but on the wall, he's completely different. Every time I get stuck, he's quick to suggest a different hold, or putting my foot on an alternate grip, or swinging my weight to the other side.

When he's not helping me be a better climber, we're talking, joking, and laughing. We're having the best time.

We climb until I can't climb anymore. I try, but my body won't participate. Finally, I fall on the mat. "I'm going to be wrecked at practice tomorrow," I moan. "I can feel every muscle."

Loren tenses. "Shit. I didn't think about that. Will you be alright? Will this fuck you up for your game?"

I shake my head. "I don't have a game until Sunday and we're still in preseason."

Loren thumps his chest in relief. "Well, tomorrow and Friday will be rough. You worked muscles today you haven't touched in years."

I'd argue but I can feel the truth in my body. I get up slowly and with an embarrassingly loud groan. "I'm going to seize up if I stay here." While I get myself off the mat, Loren puts everything away. When he gets back, he has a shirt on.

"Did you work up an appetite?" he asks.

"I'm famished." It wouldn't matter if I wasn't, Loren just cast the line and I'm eager to bite. I've been circling...waiting...

"There's a great sandwich shop a few blocks down the road if you wanna go."

The shop is empty. The food is amazing but it's the two hours we spend after our food has turned to crumbs that takes the cake.

The full moon falls behind a cloud but the street lights keep us from tripping over the curb as we make our way back to the gym. The sidewalk is narrow, forcing us to graze each other as we walk.

"Can I ask you a lame question that I absolutely do not care about but would fill the silence?" he asks, mocking my earlier question.

"I love lame questions, they're my favorite."

"Why are you so weird about me being shirtless? Don't you see naked guys every day in the locker room?"

Our shoulders graze again.

"I don't consider that a dumb question but I will tell you that a lot of people think the answer is," I warn. "Nudity, at various degrees, has become so ingrained in our culture that people are offended when someone is unwilling to undress. It's so normalized that young kids feel obligated to send nudes and wear less because they're competing with other kids who are sending nudes and wearing less. Early on in my career I decided to take a stance against it. It's even in my contracts and all endorsement deals that I won't ever go shirtless. I've gotten a lot of push-back because sex sells, but I've also gotten messages from kids and parents alike, thanking me. I wish more people with platforms and millions of followers would think about the message they're sending out. I think Emma Watson said it best when she said 'My idea of sexy is that less is more. The less you reveal the more people can wonder.' I know it's a tall order, and maybe it will just be me and Emma Watson dreaming of change, but...I don't know," I sigh. "I think about my future husband and how he'd feel if I was fleshed out in front of millions of people. On the flipside, I think about how I'd feel if he was. I'm not a jealous person, but I can be selfish. What I have is for him and what he has is for me."

Loren is oddly silent, watching the ground as we walk. Sharing this with Loren is a big deal because I like him. I like him and I know he's that person for me, the one I want to be selfish with. Loren's thoughts on this matter mean everything to me and I'm dying to know what they are.

"You think it's a stupid answer?" I ask because the silence has my stomach in knots.

"No," he says quietly. "It's not stupid at all." He's still quiet as I walk him to his car. He unlocks the van but instead of getting in, he leans his back against the door and looks up at the sky. "It could be a beautiful night if the clouds would go away."

Looking at him, I say, "It's still a gorgeous night."

He studies the sky for another moment then looks at me. When he realizes I've been staring, he smiles gently.

A twist begins to tighten in my gut as Loren collects himself to speak. I can tell it's bad.

"I know you were joking about the whole marriage thing but you're obviously serious about dating."

"I wasn't--" joking about the marriage thing I want to say, but I don't. It's too much for him. "I'm very serious."

"I--" Loren busies his hands, then realizes what he's doing and puts them behind his back. "I really fucking like hanging out with you. But I'm going to be honest with you because you deserve that much--"

Oh no.

"I'm more of a casual kind of guy. I have never been interested in relationships, let alone serious ones. My job doesn't really allow it. I stand here tonight really, really wanting to be the guy you wish I was. I really want that. I could lie to you and tell you I'll try, but that just means I'd end up letting you down, or worse, hurting you. I know I would. Selfishly, I want to find a way to be friends, but we're adults and we both know that doesn't work."

I rub my jaw to mask my annoyance. I'm not surprised he's trying to end things before they start. The signs have been there. I knew he was going to make things difficult. I'm going to give him what he thinks he wants.

I frown. "Can't say I'm not disappointed but I appreciate you being honest so early in the game."

"Yeah, I mean, of course. Yeah," he rushes. His face is flushed and his nervousness is so thick it's suffocating even in the empty parking lot. "I have a lot of respect for you. Saying you're a good guy doesn't do you justice. Like I said, I wish I could make it work."

I shrug. "If you can't, you can't. Anyways--" I slide my key fob from my pocket and step away. "I should get going. I guess I'll...see you around."

I'm not completely calm. My hands are shaking and my stomach feels like I swallowed lead weights. No matter how small, there is a real possibility that Loren could walk away for good. I can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to. I can only hope I've given him enough of a taste that he will come to his senses.

With both hands on the steering wheel, I take a deep breath in and slowly exhale. He's watching me. I can see him in the side mirror. His brows are drawn and mouth is pinched, almost like he's surprised I did as he asked and walked away.

As tied up as my stomach is from the level one rejection, I can't help but smile in the darkness of my own car. Loren said a lot of things; he's a casual kind of guy, he doesn't do relationships, he's too busy with work, we're adults so we can't be friends. Classic cop outs from the oldest book in publication: Men Who Can't Process Their Feelings.

It's what he didn't say that speaks volumes. He likes me. The kind of like that shows deep in his eyes. The kind of like that can turn into something a whole lot more.

I turn the key and watch the dash lights bathe the inside of the SUV in red. I guess we'll see how serious Loren is about this single life he's so attached to.

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