JC and the Three Clowns

"Hello, Worthington residence. May I help you?"

"I would like to speak to Mrs. Worthington, if may. This is John Fahlberg, I have worked with her on some of her charities, but this is a personal matter of some importance."

"Certainly, sir. Please hold, I will see if Mrs. Worthington is available."

I held, and it was less than a minute before I heard her voice. "JC, it's nice to hear from you! You're a very naughty boy, you know. I thought we were friends and you gave your formal name instead of your nickname! Anyway, I forgive you and what can I do for you?"

"This is awkward, but I think the best thing to do is to just say it straight out. I came home to find Clarence and another guy in bed with my wife. I felt I owed it to you to call and tell you. I wouldn't feel right about staying silent, it would be like I was condoning his infidelity. I thought you would want to know."

There was a pause, but I didn't rush things. She was evidently just taking a few deep breaths, because she came back on the line shortly. "JC? Thank you for letting me know. I've been sure that he's been cheating on me, but I could never get proof. You need proof to implement the infidelity clause on the pre-nup and... Darn! I don't have to tell you that, the same guy drew up the pre-nups for both of us! Could you testify in a hearing to what you saw and heard? I don't want the little weasel to wriggle out of this."

"Better than that, there are two witness, myself and the other guy's wife. Plus that, I have pictures. It might not even come to a hearing. Janet, that's the other guy's wife, and I will be sending Clarence home after we clean him up a bit. He had a little accident. He was running out of my house and he tripped and fell into a pile of something the neighborhood dog left behind. He's a little... odoriferous at the moment. I don't mind if he stinks up your car, but I thought you might, so we're spraying him with the garden hose to get the shit... I mean, the droppings off him."

"I appreciate the call, the pictures and the concern for my car's interior but you can relax, I've head the word 'shit' before. I've said it myself more than a few times. With a husband like mine, it comes with the territory. I assume you're going to go to our lawyer with this."

"That's correct. I'm going to meet with him first thing Monday morning. Since we've both got pre-nups, Janet and I will share the appointment, as he said he'd be telling us the same things and then would be filing the same papers."

"Might I impose on you to share your appointment, also? I'll pay for any additional expenses involved in having a third participant."

"That's not a problem. Since we use the same attorney, I took the liberty of saying you might also be attending. Monday, at his office, at ten AM. Janet and I are planning on stopping for coffee, can we bring you some?"

"Thank you. If you wouldn't mind, a double espresso, light and sweet? I had forgotten that the coffee he served was so bad. First you save my money by getting me evidence of the little turd's infidelity and now you're saving my taste-buds. What's next, saving me from drowning?" She was laughing a bit when she said the last part.

"I used to have a strict policy about flirting with married women, I didn't do it. Now the situation has changed and I think it's OK to flirt with women if they're unmarried. I do make an exception for beautiful married women that have indicated that they are seeking a divorce, though. I would be more than happy to serve as your lifeguard when you swim, especially if you're wearing a bikini. If the risk of drowning requires mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, I will not fail in my duties!"

Beverly started laughing. "You're dangerous! I start a mild flirt and you up the ante. I always used to enjoy flirting. It's just that guys that flirt with married women are a bit creepy. You're not completely married, though, you're getting a divorce of your own. I think I might have to make an exception of my own. Just flirting, though."

"That's roughly what I told Janet and what we agreed on. Things won't go beyond flirting until we have our divorces settled."

"A preliminary or a final decree?"

"Sorry, I have to admit I don't know the difference between the two. Up until this afternoon I wasn't planning a divorce."

"I have been. Planning one, I mean. I just didn't want to give the rat-bastard a lot of my money and put up with his bullshit in court. There are two different types of divorce decrees. A preliminary decree can be obtained anytime after you file. You get a Judge, he hears your side, if he agrees you have cause and the finances are settled, like they are with a pre-nup, he can grant a preliminary decree of divorce. It's just like a final decree except, if the other party challenges the first judge's ruling within sixty days, you have to have more hearings to settle the issues raised in the challenges. It's a divorce without waiting for all the issues to be settled, you just have to have a plan for how to settle them that the judge has approved. About the only thing you can't do with a preliminary decree of divorce is get remarried. For that you have to have the final decree. For people like you and I with iron-clad pre-nups and no kids, Judges are quick to approve preliminaries."

"How quick is 'quick'?"

"It's only an educated guess but, if you have your papers started on Monday, they'd be ready for filing on Wednesday, if your spouse isn't hiding from the process server they'll be served on Thursday. File the papers on Friday, see the Judge early in the next week and you'll have your preliminary decree by no later than Friday of that week. It goes even quicker if you have money or influence to throw at the problem."

"I've got money but no influence. How much money would it cost to expedite matters?"

"But you've got a friend with influence, me! In your case, we're seeing the attorney at ten, if they get their asses in gear, they can have the papers filed by the end of the day. I can arrange to have to have the service done by no later than noon on Tuesday, assuming your wife isn't trying to avoid service. I call my friends that are Judges, and someone has us in a hearing on Wednesday and we have the decree by Friday. It might cost you an extra four or five hundred for the expedited papers, another two of three to rush the service of papers, but speeding up the Judges is just knowing who to talk to to get a quick hearing. I can loan you the money if you need a bit more than you have on hand."

"Money isn't the problem. Money makes a great tool to manipulate your life with but it's knowing when, where and how to apply that tool that's the problem. Look at it this way, I run a company that specializes in enhancements to computer programs. I take a computer program, customize it and add in additional features. I understand the work and I hire technicians to do the grunt-work. If I didn't know who to hire, what to pay him, and what assignments he would be best at, I'd be wasting time, money and resources. Knowing which attorney to hire, how to utilize his particular skill-set and what would be a fair fee is just not what I do. I need a guide who understands this particular environment."

"Well, you just found one. I do a lot of charity work and Judges like to be involved in charities. So, I know a lot of judges. I've been doing my homework, just waiting until the little turd gives me the opportunity to finish it. I've got to guide my own divorce through channels, why not let me help with yours and Janet's at the same time?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure that our pre-nups, I mean yours and mine, will sail right through. I'm not sure about the quality of Janet's lawyer's work. Her lawyer was a sole-practitioner, and he's retired. As long as you agree that, if either of our cases get bogged down, you won't let it undermine your own. That understood, we'd be glad for your help. I just wish there was something Janet or I could do to repay you for your help."

"How about if you allow me to invite you to dinner? You and Janet, I mean. We're both going to have to ramp up our flirting skills, and I can't think of a better practice-partner than you. You wouldn't mind going to dinner with two women at your side, would you?"

"I mind it enough to think about it for about a nanosecond! It sounds like a good idea to me. How about if I broach the idea with Janet and she'll get back to you?"

"Sounds good. We can pick the restaurant and settle the girl-stuff between us. Anything that you need to have us consider?"

"Not really. I normally skip vegetarian or vegan places, but I can put up with them if that's something that appeals to you."

"OK. You have Janet give me a call and we'll set it up. If you'll just send my jerk home when you're finished rinsing the shit off him, I'd appreciate it. I'm going to pack him a bag and meet him at the door with it. Knowing him, he'd probably try to steal shit if I let him do it himself. I'm going to confiscate his credit cards and tell him he's fired at the same time. If I could think of anything else, I'd do that."

"Well, my soon-to-be ex-wife has to move out and I have to provide a 'temporary residence', that's in the pre-nup. I was planning on sending her to one of the motels down by the bus-station. They usually rent their rooms by the hour but I think they'll make an exception in her case. Sluts are close enough to whores to make it not a big exception. Janet's going to torture her husband a bit before she kicks him out, but he'll probably end up in the same sort of place. You could send Clare to one, too."

"I assume you meant Clarence with that nickname. That means he managed to piss you off, like he does with everybody else. If you haven't copyrighted that appellation, may I also use it?"

"Feel free. Oh, Janet calls him Clare-the-Fucktard, fucktard is short for 'fucking bastard'. You can use that, too, if you want."

"That's perfect! I'm going to send Clare-the-Fucktard to the same kind of motel, it sounds perfect for him."

"Why not the same one? The phone number's in the book as the Station Motel. It's a dump, but their number is listed."

"As soon as you get the stink washed off him, send him home. He can pick up his bag when he gets here and I'll send him on his way. Oh, I've got an idea! Do you like surf and turf?"

"Steak and lobster? I do. Why?"

"Because if it's OK with Janet, I've got a reservation for tonight at a very nice restaurant. I was going to take Clare-the-fucktard, but I'd rather take the two of you. Let my idiot eat franks and beans out of the can in his new home. I'm going to add a third party to my reservation so tell her everything is all set. Oh, tell her to dress up. The reservation is at the country club, and they want nice dresses for the women and jackets and ties for the men."

"I'll pass the word to Janet and if she agrees, I'll call you back. Neither of us is a member of the club, though. Will that be a problem?"

"No, you're both going to be the guests of a member. Shall we tentatively say seven? I can push it back if its inconvenient."

"Not for me, but... Hold on a second, Janet just came indoors. Let me ask her quickly. Janet, would you be interested in dinner at the country club tonight? Beverly wants to get the three of us together to put a coordinated plan for our divorces together. She suggested seven o'clock. OK, I'll tell her, you go back to torturing your fucktard. Beverly? Janet just nodded and gave me a 'thumbs up'. That means seven is just fine."

"Good. Tell her to dress up, I'm going to wear the nicest outfit I own and I want her to feel comfortable. I think being dressed to the nines is de rigueur for flirting with a handsome man. I hope I won't make Janet uncomfortable."

"I doubt it. She's always flirted with me, but I never flirted back. Married, you know. The Sleazy, Dopey and Dummy Show put an end to that, and we've been practicing with each other. To be prepared for the single life, you need to practice and I'm a bit rusty."

I heard a giggle from the other end of the line. "If what you said before was you being rusty, I'd hate to see what you can do if you get any better at it! Wait, let me take that back. I'd love to see it! Just don't get too enthusiastic about it until after we get the Judge's ruling. I don't intend to accept passes until after our preliminary decrees and we might have to wait a week. By the way, which one of the three stooges is which?"

"Sleazy is Lucille, my soon-to-be ex-wife. Dopey is Bud Miller, temporarily Janet's husband and my former next-door neighbor. Dummy is Clare, the fucktard you're divorcing. I call them the three clowns because I wouldn't want to draw disparaging parallels between our clowns and the real Stooges. The Stooges had more class!"

"I like it! I've got a whole new repertoire of names for him, 'Clare', 'Dummy', 'Fucktard' and 'Clown Number Three'. I'm sure he won't like them, so I'll be sure to use them regularly. According to our pre-nup I have to pay his rent on a new place and monthly maintenance for a year. I think I'll keep renting him a room at the Station Motel and make his maintenance checks payable to 'Clare Worthington'. It's a small revenge, but I'll take what I can get."

"Well, I've got pictures of him double-teaming Sleazy with Dopey and pictures of all three of them naked and covered with dog-shit. Will those be of any help?"

Now she was laughing. "I'm going to make sure they're part of our filings, as 'evidence of infidelity'. Since the Judge we'll be using is a friend of mine, I'll mention that I wouldn't be heartbroken if the pictures got passed around the courthouse. Somebody is bound to post them somewhere public, because Clare isn't exactly popular with my friends. He's an arrogant little prick, and he doesn't exactly hide it from those he considers 'the lower classes'."

"Do that. By the way, it occurs to me that a threesome isn't usually what someone starts their infidelities with. You, Janet and I had better get STD screens done, to make sure they haven't passed anything on to us. Nobody was wearing a condom when they were at it in my bed, and chances are good that they weren't wearing them at any of their previous fuck-sessions. With each other or with any other partners they might have had."

"Damn, you're right! I passed the word to the bailiffs at the courthouse and some police officers I know telling them that I would pay well for a picture of Dummy en flagrante, but I guess he's not classy enough to patronize high-priced call-girls and professional escorts. They're usually discrete enough to be trusted to keep encounters confidential and safe, but I was offering a substantial reward and... Well, Clare's an obnoxious little asshole and I had faith that he would alienate a professional, no matter how well he paid, and she'd rat him out. Instead he had to go to an amateur whore!"

"I had to explain this to Janet, but I'll repeat myself for you. A whore fucks for money, the appropriate term for someone like my soon-to-be ex-wife is 'gutter-trash slut'. Whores fuck as part of a business deal and have some standards, but not gutter-trash sluts, they give it away."

"You show some fluency with the distinctions you draw. Were you a police officer?"

"Nope. I was an IT-5 on leaving the Navy. That's an Information Systems Technician with a rate of Petty Officer, Second Class. It's one of the egghead ratings, but none of the enlisted rates in the Navy are exactly what you could call gentlemen."

"You're very young for having had a career in the Navy, were you wounded or something to get out early?"

"No, I earned my IT-3 rate while I was still in training. Took me another year and a half to make IT-4, and I only got my IT-5 just before my first enlistment was up. That was four years. I think they gave me my last bump to try and convince me to stay in the Navy, but I declined. They offered another bump to Petty Officer First, if I re-upped, but I wouldn't go for that, either. The Navy was pretty good about schooling and between the courses I took online and the credit my college gave for Navy training, I got my BS in Computer Science in only one more year. Not bad for twenty-four, a Bachelor's Degree and four years of hands-on experience. I worked for a couple of different IT firms before I went out on my own, and I'm thirty-one now, with my own company. Oh, I managed to pick up a Master's Degree, too, while I was starting my company. A lot of people working in the computing fields just want a job, but I wanted to run my own shop, and that's about it. Everything went pretty smoothly, except for my noticeable lack of taste in choosing a marriage-partner. I guess you can't be smart about everything."

"I was wondering how you could be thirty-one with six or seven years of post-secondary schooling and then more years of business experience. You'd have had to be at least forty-something, but you were doubling up, your work doubled as education time. That's pretty impressive. I know a few people that started their own businesses, but they were all in their forties when they did it. How did you manage it at such a young age?"

"I cheated. I started a computer consulting business when I was in my first year of high-school and I put in forty-hour weeks even while I was still in school. I worked all through high-school, then I put in four years in the navy, then one year sabbatical from work to get my BS, then back to work for various companies for three more years while still doing side-work, then I started working at my company full-time for the next four. I've basically been working full-time since I was fifteen except for the first year after I got out of the Navy."

"It's still impressive. Bill Gates didn't start Microsoft until he was twenty, you've got him beat by five years."

"Yeah, but he's got me beat in how well he did it. I'm worth about a million and a half, maybe two. He's got about ninety billion, and he's given away another twenty billion or so to his employees and charities."

"Anyone who's worth more than a million dollars before he's thirty-five has been doing very well. You've built something very nice for yourself, I hope your pre-nup lets you keep it."

"Our attorney is pretty good, and he assures me that it will. I incorporated it when I was eighteen, and most of my assets are inside the corporation. Besides, the pre-nup wording is rather specific. My corporation is NOT community property, and the maximum I have to pay her is twenty thousand a year for each year we were married. I'm sure she was counting on a lot more years to make it a lot more money. She probably expected to get half our investments, the house and her car, too. What she never bothered to find out is all the investments, the house and the cars are in the corporation's name, we're just renters. We've only been married for eighteen months, so even if the Judge gives her full credit for the part year, I only owe her forty thousand. I can handle that if I have to."

"I knew you were smart. Even though your gutter-trash slut apparently doesn't use her brain for anything more important than keeping her ears from rubbing together, you need to keep it together to make sure your divorce goes smoothly and quickly. After all, if you're going to be my flirting-partner, we can't let things get all tangled up. By the way, I don't mind if Janet's another flirting-partner. I think it would be fun sharing you. I also think it would piss off Clare and Janet's husband, what's-his-name."

"Bud. It's not short for something, that's what his parents named him. It would piss them both off a bit, thinking that I'm dating both their soon-to-be ex-wives. Sorry, I was getting a bit ahead of myself, we were talking about just flirting."