Jeurridam Ch. 09: Primm Road

It had me apprehensive though. I didn't want to catch some serious feelings for someone only to have them snatched away from me the way Swish was. It wouldn't be fair to let myself go through such trauma again. It got me to thinking though. Maybe I needed some vigorous work to take my mind off of things like that.

"Okay, what's the job?" I asked.

"How good are you at agriculture?" Basil asked.

"Apart from cooking, it's my second calling..." I responded.

"Good, good! We could use some help in the greenhouses... We're trying to figure out a system for irrigating our more challenging crops..." Basil said.

"I can help with that." I said.

Zanir was looking back, a pleased smile spreading across his face. I turned around to see Beth and Zeek squabbling over something but quickly stop as I caught on to them.

"The fuck...?" I asked.

"Nothing..." They shrugged.

We arrived at the main facility, heading up to the higher levels. There the committee was seated, all seeming pleased to meet us. They were all teens, ranging from fifteen to nineteen, all having stories written across their faces. It was clear that the twelve of them had to grow up very fast and were quite, quite mature for their ages.

"This is the Southern Mojave group we had at the hospital. Zanir," Basil said, placing his hands on the boy's shoulder, "Is quite, quite special... He builds mechs and understands machines in ways no other can."

"Then we'll surely need that." A very broad shouldered youngling said.

"Since Basil is so sure that you guys are the best, we'll have faith in his judgement and welcome you as well." A very deep voiced girl said. It startled us all. She was incredibly tiny, but had so much power exuding from her voice. Basil nodded, obviously having great respect for her.

"Basil's visions seemed far fetched and too idealistic at the time but are now becoming a reality for us all. His dreams for infrastructure are coming to fruition in ways we couldn't have imagined. I'm pretty sure with you all coming together, every goal of his will come true." Another smiled.

"My last big milestone with the infrastructure will definitely be education... It's hard because not many people know how to read and many of our members are far too young to do the type of work we strive for so we have a tough spot for many..." Basil responded.

"I can help with that..." Zeek offered, surprising everyone.

"So can I..." Beth offered.

"You two can read and write?" The broad shouldered boy asked.

"Yes." The two said together.

"Very well. We'll work with you both on trying to form something like a school for our youngest members. I wish we had more people who knew how to read and write to teach everyone who'd wish to learn. That's our main goal here, to educate people..." The deep voiced girl said.

"I can arrange something as well. Big Daddy, the giant red sentinel mech with wings, walking around terrifying everything is actually a machine designed to hold a human. Inside of him is an incredibly brilliant and intelligent man who'd love to teach your people..." Zanir said, looking as indifferent as ever.

"That would be wonderful..." The deep voiced girl smiled.

We were shown the rest of the base, housing, markets, places where people just sat and enjoyed themselves, the bathing halls, the dining halls... everything! Monday rolled in quicker than I was ready for. I reluctantly went on the job with Julio and June, hoping it'd go smoothly. For some strange reason, the morning was hard on me and I wasn't up for much! It probably was because I didn't sleep last night...

We ran by the Merchant Flats where Alistair was waiting. He seemed frantic.

"Okay... June. I have a job that only you can do and it is quite urgent." Alistair said.

"I already have a major drop job to do." June responded.

"I never do this but this is even more important, June. It revolves around Da Lagon and you're the perfect man for the job." Alistair persisted.

"What is it?" June asked, somewhat intrigued. Alistair led him up the platform, talking with him discretely. It left Julio and I standing in awkward silence. Moments late, June came back, "Sorry guys. You're gonna have to make the Tijuana run without me."

"That's fine." Julio said, a bit too swiftly for my liking. I looked at him as he walked back to the buggy. Something about Julio made me nervous... I didn't know what but, he just seemed to have a few spilled marbles out of his bag.

We rode South heading through a canyon called Primm Road. It was how Jeurridam was connected to California, much like how the Corridor connected Jeurridam to the Northern Mojave and the Great Basin. Primm Road was not like the Corridor though. The Corridor had rather narrow valleys while Primm Road was a big wide dry open area with high mountain walls on each side. Julio drove the analog buggy through the region as fast as it could go. He definitely had me nervous.

"Are we in a rush?" I asked.

"No, why?" He asked back, looking at me with those intense green eyes.

"Then slow the fuck down!" I responded. He sighed, shifting gears as we rode at a less insane speed. It was still too fast for my liking but wasn't worth saying anything over.

"So... tell me about yourself." He asked.

"I'm Heaven... I hate most things. I'm in a buggy with you." I responded, not really down for conversation right now. Julio laughed, seemingly enjoying my misery.

"That's..." He said, trying to find the right thing to say, "A bit crude..."

"Well it's true." I said, hoping he'd stop talking.

"Damn dude... We're going to be in this buggy for a long time! I just wanna have some conversation." He smiled.

"I don't..." I said plainly.

"Okay how about I ask you some questions..." He persisted. I stared at him coldly, not bothering to respond, "How old are you?"

"Eighteen..." I sighed.

"Where were you born?"

"In a cast iron tub filled with scalding water in the middle of nowhere..." I said, causing Julio to look at me bewildered after such a strange response.

"Can you read and write?"

"Yes but not as good as Beth..."

"I can't. My parents didn't know how but somehow, June learned. I wish he'd teach me but he's forever busy so..." Julio said.

"Don't make it sound sad." I sighed.

"Well you're the one being all Mr. Pitiful over there..." He laughed.

"I'm sorry but it's like seven in the morning and I am NOT a morning person..." I shrugged, not really regretting my sour attitude.

"You got me scared to ask you more questions..." He responded.

"Can you stop... Like being happy and shit! It's too goddamn early in the morning to be in a good mood..." I said, clenching my head. Julio was just overbearing.

"Okay... This next question is a serious one..." He said, his smile fading.

"Alright..." I shrugged.

"What made you," He began, "Decide to be gay?"

"Decide? It's not a decision. It was something I just couldn't come to terms with on my own and needed help because I was too busy trying to understand it. We humans always try to find out why something is the way it is and have such a black and white way of viewing things we don't understand. I guess it makes it simpler to digest. We never really just sit back and think, hey... maybe something that seems rather big can be a basic fundamental to something else. Maybe something as in your face and big as being gay, bi, straight or whatever is as basic a fundamental as humans are to society! Why can't it simply be something that simply is the way it is without it being questioned for deeper meaning? That is what I had to learn, had to realize... My sister was there, Zanir was there, Galvy, Swish...hell even June was supportive and that surprised me because he is nothing but hate and demon spawn wrapped in a sleazy Mojave native package..." I said back.

"Really?" He asked surprised.

"The only choice is to accept yourself for who you are or forever hide behind it and be miserable. I think the choice is obvious." I continued.

"Oh..." He said, sounding as though he had stumbled across some type of revelation, "So being gay isn't a choice but being happy and gay is..."

"I guess so..." I sighed, warranting a look of surprise.

"You don't sound too happy..." He noted.

"I'm not. It seems everyone around me has someone to call their own, someone to just fall in love with and hold at night. Do you know how jealous I was of Zanir and Galvy? I couldn't even stand to be around them so I started looking for shit to do, to get occupied." I sighed.

"Interesting..." He responded in a studying tone, "If you don't mind, can I ask you about Swish?" I looked at him, wondering where he was going with this.

"Sure?" I responded hesitantly.

"What about him did you like so much, like what pulled you too him?" He asked.

"Not even gonna lie, I wasn't a big fan of his. When we first met, he just couldn't shut up about anything! Then he got that job at dredge valley and turned into a different person. I guess he was just exhausted from all that underwater welding every day. Then he asked me to hang with him and things just started to move really fast. I learned he and I had like the same current issue and that he took the faraway job for the same reason I did..." I explained

"So you two just related easily?" He asked, not sounding pleased.

"Bruh, I was just happy to have someone to talk to. Swish was there! He was super cool, super understanding and that's what I loved about him." I giggled.

"What about a physical attraction? Was that there?" Julio asked, his questions now seeming very odd.

"Not really. I mean, I don't think Swish was ugly by any means. It's just that I didn't fall for him because of the way he looked. I feel for him because of the way he was." I clarified.

"Oh," He sighed, not liking the way I answered him, "I'm just a little curious about the way things works. That's all..."

"I mean, that's just me! I can't speak for all gay people. Each one will have different needs and wants." I said.

"Oh..." He said, now sounding withdrawn. Something was off about Julio and I didn't quite know what. I had a feeling though.

"What's with you?" I asked.

"Nothing." He quickly shot down.

"Alright." I shrugged, not bothering to pursuit it any further. He looked at me, obviously expecting me to keep on prodding to figure out why. It would grant him some odd type of gratification that made me realize this boy found security in being in the closet. However, it wasn't much of a concern of mine.

"You and Basil..." He started up again, "You two seem to reaaaaaalllly like each other..."

"Maybe so. He's just warm and accepting, a great leader in the making. I admire him." I shrugged. It seemed to make Julio cringe, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing... Just seems he's kind of weak, timid, like if shit gets tough, he can't fend for himself... And all things considered, I wouldn't trust him. What he lacks in stature, he makes up for it in deviousness! I still can't get over the fact that this kid put together a ring like that and managed to build that place up the way he did. I bet he had to hurt a lot of people in the process." Julio noted.

"I mean not everyone is strong and formidable. Some people are incredibly brilliant and tactful. And I get your concern! He probably did hurt a lot of people with those roadblocks! Look how many buggies he's confiscated and that huge stockpile of supplies!" I said in Basil's defense.

"So you like those brilliant and tactful guys, huh?" Julio asked teasingly. I looked at him scaldingly.

"Not really. I just like someone who's honest with themselves and accepting of others in their shortcomings... Someone who understands that shit isn't always perfect and is willing to work with just that because I know I am. Nothing ever goes my way and I'm... learning to settle. Besides, I don't think I could be with Basil. He's too good looking... Like, he's just drop dead gorgeous and I'm like, every other Mojave boy..." I responded. He looked at me, surprised that I had these sentiments about myself.

"You don't think you're good enough for Basil?"

"I mean look at what he's doing and look at what I do? I'm trying to find a niche while he's building a damn city to take care of hundreds!" I shrugged.

"I think you should consider yourself the most attractive person in the world, for your sake..."

"But I'm not. I can accept reality and realize that I'm average at best. I can happily and humbly accept that and wish for someone no different." I laughed.

"You're living a delusion bro. If you think you look average compared to the next bro, then you're utterly delusional." He said.

"I think we live in two different worlds. I mean gay guys are hard to come by whereas you, a straight guy, living in a straight world maybe see this in a different perspective than I. You're not a bad looking guy! In fact you're damn gorgeous! I bet equally as gorgeous girls bat eyes at you or get flustered when you say hi! Well it's not like that for me! I get virtually no attention and the only time I got attention was between three boys, one obnoxious and pushy, the other one sweet and laid back, and the last one, a complete and utter visionary making things happen... Three boys, all on completely opposite ends of the spectrum where as you probably have girls coming here and there that are more or less the same... A whole demographic, if you will." I explained. Julio looked at me, completely taken aback by my words.

"I'm just saying," He said, composing himself, "If you were straight, if you went after girls. You could pull some bad bitches just with a wink..."

"That's why I wish I was straight. Maybe I wouldn't be so lonely..." I sighed, truly hating this.

"Trust me bro... It's a lonely world out there for a straight man too. There is nothing but trash, and heartbreak and whores... Nothing..." He said, this definitely coming from experience. It sounded too potent for it not to be.

"Damn... maybe we're just both eternally fucked." I teased, hoping to lighten the mood. Julio looked at me with a warm smile as we continued to ride through Primm Road.

I had the tiniest inkling that he was gay. He was acting strange, those questions a bit too specific to a cause... What was made strange was just how curious he was about me! Why didn't he ask Zanir who, quite frankly, is very easy to talk to? Was this all some ploy to get me alone with him, to see what was I about, to truly test me? No, I think it was more so a cry for help. Julio was quite obviously struggling with his sexuality and didn't know where to turn. Us being alone maybe had been a turn in his favor. However, I wasn't keen on helping. In fact, I don't think I could.

"Have you ever been this far from home?" He asked me.

"I've never left Jeurridam before." I shrugged.

"Well a first for everything, I guess." He smiled.

"Yeah... So how dangerous will this be?" I asked.

"Um, you're going to take over the wheel. I'm going to be in the back. The drop point will come up on the head's up display. I want you to mash out to get to it and as soon as you reach it, you one-eighty this son of a bitch and peel out! I'm gonna push the parcel out the rear of the buggy." He said.

"I don't know about that. I don't know the terrain. You should drive and let me get to do the drop." I said.

"Trust me. You'll be alright. The drop will be ten times harder than it sounds and I can only do it right. You just follow what the screen says and let this buggy outrun anything that comes our way." He said, reassuringly.

"Okay." I said, still not certain.

"Do you trust me?" He asked.

"Sure." I shrugged, not thinking much of it.

"Well I'm sure as hell putting my trust in you." He smiled, it having more meaning to it than it seemed. It made me certain Julio had feelings for me. It was such a blatant shock because I considered him just too macho to approach. I didn't expect him to have the slightest gay bone in his body. It changed everything really but still though, I wasn't very attracted to him. Despite looking like my greasy cholo dream god, he didn't have anything that just drew me in beyond the looks.

Maybe it was because I didn't know him well. Maybe it was because he wasn't being honest with himself. Was it wrong to be upset with him for not being honest with himself? It surely felt wrong to be upset! I knew people needed to come out on their own time but seeing him pretend to be something he was not was just plain aggravating and off putting. It made me want to slap the shit out of him and scream it's okay to be gay but also, to not want to be around him until he came to terms with his sexuality.

Hell I don't know if I was wrong. I just knew this didn't feel right and I wanted to make it feel right without being involved. Maybe it was my way of not wanting to get attached to him. I sure as hell didn't want to lose anyone the same way I lost Swish. Swish and I's relationship was just in its infancy and ended so coldly. It was gone just like a flash and I already felt so invested in. It made me scared to fall in love if that was what a loss felt like.

"Julio?" I asked.

"Yeah..."

"You ever been in love before?" I asked. He looked at me, staggered by the question.

"Not quite... I'd love to find the right person..." He smiled.

"I'm scared to ever do so..." I said.

"Why?"

"Because of how it felt when I lost Swish. He and I weren't even a thing yet it hurt like hell. If I fall in love with someone and I lose them and it hurts like that... then I don't think I wanna ever take that risk..." I said.

"Sometimes risks need to be taken for you to truly be happy." He said, before realizing exactly how hypocritical that statement was. He looked up in the rearview mirror for a long time, giving one heavy sigh, "Which is why I must come clean... I'm not all that straight, Heaven. I'm gay. From the moment I saw you, I had doubts about myself and questioned everything I was taught. Then Swish swooped in and stole you right from under me. God bless his soul but I was jealous seeing you two enjoy each other, happy when I was just sitting there wishing that could have been me. But damn he didn't even have to go like that... I saw you were sad over his death and was jealous over even that. I wondered would you have mourned over me the same way. Silly I know but it gets worse... I saw you and Basil interacting all yesterday and still was jealous. I felt like every chance I got, someone stole you away from me and I was starting to get mad at myself for not doing anything about it. But I felt it was wrong... that it's supposed to be man and woman not man and man. I come from a heavily Catholic household and one thing my parents made clear was just how immoral homosexuality is and... I don't know. How could something so wrong feel so right? How could it ever hurt any body?"

"Well damn..." I said, shocked to know this all, "Damn..."

"You're not mad at me, I hope." He said, looking at me, full of regret.

"No, not at all! It's just... I didn't know. I know it's hard for you. When my dad found out that Zeek was bi, he beat him bloody. If your parents are anything like mine then I understand why you were having a hard time." I said. He seemed relieved to hear this.

"I don't know if my parents are that bad but they would more than likely disown me..." He said.

"My dad would do the same in a heartbeat. He'd cut me off... He already did that to Zeek but Zeek just founds a way..." I replied, "So you're gonna tell everyone?"

"Eh, I don't know. Beth already knows. She ambushed me when she noticed...nevermind... I'm just not sure if I'm ready for June to know. He's my brother and I really, really, really don't want our dynamic to change." He said, deeply worried.