Johanna and Maxine Pt. 02

"Welcome to the June meeting of Women Who Talk," Robyn spoke up and the murmuring stopped and she paused before going on.

"A warm welcome to Maxine and Johanna, we hope you feel at ease amongst us. In our meetings we start with a lead share about a nominated subject and then go around the room. You are under no obligation to share if asked but we do ask that you respect the feelings and beliefs of others, our aim is to share our experience and hope. There is no wrong or right, only the less travelled middle road that leads to understanding and without further ado let me introduce our subject for the month, masks," she looked down at her notes.

"Masks are an appropriate topic for me this month," she paused for effect.

"Sixteen years ago this month I was at my first meeting in this very house and I let one of my masks slip. I was raised as a Christian although my dad was and still is, an atheist. My nanna was the only gay in Warburton, the town where I was born and raised and at some stage my sister and I were both given nice little Christian masks to wear," she flicked at her hair.

"We were to be good Christian girls who would grow up to marry good Christian men, preferably men our mother approved of, produce grandchildren for her who would get the benefit of her good Christian experience. My gay nanna however was the fly in the ointment who openly flaunted her daughter's rules. I owe a lot to nanna, she taught me to read between the lines and look behind the curtain to see who was pulling the puppet's strings," she paused.

"My sister broke first when she left her husband and moved to Sydney and then moved in with her boyfriend. I was the second one to snap when I let one of my masks slip at this meeting. I remember it as if it was yesterday and many of you were here that night too," she smiled.

"Albeit we were all younger then but at that meeting I admitted that whilst I had a boyfriend, he was a Clayton's boyfriend, the boyfriend you have when you haven't got a boyfriend but I wasn't on the prowl for another guy, I wanted a woman. On that night I let it all out, I admitted it to all of you and I fully expected to have women twisting in their seats or looking away but all of you listened to me and then encouraged me to explore this strange new world," she glanced at her notes.

"For the first time in my life I looked at the mask I had been given and realised it was inadequate. It's not that we don't need masks, we wear masks whenever we go to see a loans officer, it's the mask of politeness. Society needs masks to a certain extent to function with some degree of civility but when those masks become restrictive then we have a problem. Do we take the mask off and risk rejection or make some adjustments?"

Robyn shifted in her seat.

"It took a few weeks to take my mask off in front of mum and of course she cried, she told me she'd pray for me and then she cried again because she wanted me to know how much I had hurt her by coming out. It was a game she played on a regular basis right up until the day she died," she sat back in her seat.

"But the point I want to make is that the straight Christian mask I wore for years served its purpose, it kept me functioning on a more or less even keel but the mask wasn't me, I was behind the mask but that's enough from me and I've wittered on long enough," she looked around the room and then nodded at Lisa.

"How about you, Lisa?"

"Me?" Lisa leaned on her palm, "I know all about masks, especially in court," she winked at Penny, "but that's an advantage for me because you have to stay on your feet but the mask that bothers me the most is the one I wear at home. I'm the together one, who solves the various problems. Yvette is still the love of my life but there are times she frustrates me because I guess she's let me be the one who solves the problems. At first I admit it was gratifying and I could handle it but over the last few years I've become a little tired of always stepping up, it's not a huge problem but as we've talked about in the past," she nodded at Penny.

"There are things I could do but I'm not always willing to do them or maybe I'm afraid it might spiral out of control."

A few women offered up advice or asked her to elaborate and eventually Johanna asked if there were jobs or things she could do that might help to balance the load.

"Yvette's great when it comes to jobs around the home like painting, fixing things and the general jobs that we usually assign to men but she often lets me take the lead."

"So if you let her take the lead would that help or would it put her under pressure?"

"It's hard to say," Lisa smirked, "I've been doing this for so long it's almost second nature but I'll keep it in mind although it's a minor quibble to be honest, she does take the lead now and then but she's always careful to consult me first before she paints."

The next person to reveal one of her masks was Alana. She'd been divorced for five years after catching her husband in bed with another woman. Alana had worn the mask of celibacy for years, refusing to take things further with men and she confessed that sometimes the mask was a necessary thing because it gave one time to reevaluate your situation. It was a defence mechanism and whilst she could have dropped the mask at any time she felt it inappropriate.

"I had a store to run at the time, my dog was company but I concur with Robyn. The first time I did drop the mask was at this meeting, it felt risky at the time and I know I was convinced that everyone would turn away from me. I felt crippled behind the mask but in hindsight that was the start of my journey, I got the job I still have today that night and met Sue at the same time. As for now, there are still masks I wear but Sue knows what they are, we made that part of our agreement, if either of us does something to piss the other off then we need to own it."

"What about you, Johanna?" Robyn asked her.

"I'm half American, half Swedish," she smiled crookedly, "we invented masks in Sweden, you had to be reserved and always in control, never admit that you're fucked off and the mask only slips when we get drunk," her eyes shifted as Sigrid and Caroline chuckled.

"But coming here I've felt as if I have to put on another mask. Whenever I tell people where I'm from they seem to have this preconceived idea about me. They associate Sweden with Abba, Ikea, Volvo or meatballs and while I've got nothing against any of those, there's more to Sweden than just those four things. My mask here is my Swedish reserve, I hide behind it because if I tell them where I'm from I can guarantee the conversation will gravitate towards one of the subjects I just mentioned," she flicked at her hair.

"It's like I have this predefined role to play, the Nordic beauty, cool, calm and collected but deep down I'm messed up, I go from feeling totally in control to feeling like I'm spiralling out of control and I hate that feeling. I used to go clubbing but after some guy came on too strong I stopped going to the clubs, it was a freaky moment because he knew where I lived, more or less. I've got a few good friends now, we play pool together once or twice a week and I'm close to Jodie and Sue but they're as gay as me," she glanced at the coffee table.

"But at the moment I'm just looking for companionship, nothing complicated, just friendship."

"Well, you'll certainly get it here," Caroline reassured her, "and we know about Swedish reserve here, trust me."

Other women chipped in with their words of encouragement and then it was Maxine's turn.

"I've got a mask that I've hidden behind for a few years now," she looked at Robyn.

"I started going to church when I was seventeen because my dad and mum were fighting and it was the only place my sister and I could go where there was no conflict. She stopped going when she turned eighteen but I'd made a commitment and at the time, my conversion seemed real enough but lately I've been looking back at myself and questioning it," she trailed away.

"In what way?" Robyn asked.

"At first it was the bible stories, Noah's ark, the creation story, chariots of fire but then I got into the New Testament and water into wine and walking on water, but I still felt something but was it just a desire to belong to some kind of family where people weren't shouting at each other? But doubting my faith isn't the biggest problem," she bit her lip.

"The biggest one is my sexuality. I'm with a guy, Mark, and just this week I was saying to my sister that I can't think of anything we have in common with each other. He seems to think that he and I will get married and make babies and I, if you don't mind me saying, don't want his cock inside me at all," she paused as some women chuckled.

"But Mark is convenient. I can keep him at my side because I know I can control him," she glanced up as Robyn straightened slightly, "my previous boyfriend was Rodney, he wasn't a Christian and he wanted sex. I knew it was only a matter of time before I gave in," she bit her lip.

"Would that have been a bad thing?" Sigrid asked her.

"Maybe, maybe not. It's not like I don't like guys, I do but I'm not sure if it's a sexual thing or just a friendship kind of thing. I've never consciously thought of myself as being that way inclined but I feel more comfortable with girlfriends than boyfriends."

"Do you find women attractive?" Penny spoke up.

"Kind of," she looked up, "yeah, I do but I'm not sure if it's a sexual thing or just curious. I guess I would have to define myself as curious."

There was silence for a few seconds and then Alana spoke.

"I think the mistake a lot of people make, especially these days is the tendency to choose a label to hang around your neck. We think in terms of categories and labels because that's the way our brains store information but sexual desire is fluid. Go back two thousand years and if you wanted a child you needed someone of the opposite sex but if you just wanted a bit of intimacy or sex then it didn't matter. The church came later with all its rules but church is just a man-made institution and it is fallible," she paused.

"But when it came to my own coming out I sat down and thought hard about it, I had been involved with Sue and I think I just accepted that sexuality is fluid, desire is just that, it's sexual desire, lust, love, however you define it but that's my take on it."

"Think of it like a journey," Cindy nodded, "you don't have to stay on the train you can get off at any stop and have a look around and if you don't like the place, get back on the train and go to the next station. It's a journey, not a destination but owning your feelings is important."

There was more advice after that but what struck Maxine was that these women didn't encourage her to jump in with both feet, this wasn't a chance to convert another straight woman and that was a marked difference from Christians. Another thing she recognised on the way down the mountain was the feeling of peace, almost as if she'd shed a heavy, wet blanket.

"That was different," she finally conceded as Johanna pulled into her driveway.

"Yes it was," Johanna nodded, "most of them were gay."

"And none of them were preaching at me."

"There are those who would," Johanna replied, "I've known a few out there who seem to think it is some kind of crusade to make the world gay and I always try to avoid them."

She pulled on the door handle but didn't open the door.

"I'd invite you in but everyone's asleep."

"It's cool," she reassured her, "I was just going to drop you off anyway."

"Thanks for taking me up there tonight."

"No worries," Johanna smiled crookedly, "thanks for accompanying me."

She flicked the door handle again, feeling as if she should say something else or do something but then Johanna nudged her other hand.

"I'll see you on Sunday?"

"For sure," she replied, "come earlier if you want."

"What time?"

"Um," Maxine hesitated, "whenever, I'll be at church in the morning but I should be home after that just give me a text when you're coming over in case I duck out or something."

"Of course," she replied.

Maxine looked down at her other hand and then she grabbed Johanna's wrist.

"Thanks, I'll see you soon," she let go suddenly and opened the door.

Johanna didn't say anything as she retrieved the new clothes from the back seat but as she closed the back door she wound down the passenger window.

"I'll be at the pool hall on Saturday night if you're interested."

"Thanks," she smiled, "I usually go to coffee shop but if nothing's happening there I'll head on over and see you."

"Take care, good night," Johanna waved.

Maxine returned the wave but as Johanna backed down the driveway she felt torn, almost as if she should have invited her in for a coffee. Inviting her in for a coffee was the kind of thing you'd do for a guy you wanted to get to know better and under the circumstances it could be construed as something else entirely. It still felt strange as she got ready for bed a little later, she'd outed herself in front of a woman who might take it as a signal.

So, what do I do now?

Maxine stared at the ceiling.

***

The wind blew hard against the window panes that Saturday night bringing hailstones with it that soon covered the driveway, the yard and their cars. The weather girl had forecasted hail, rain and thunder tonight and it would last until the early hours of the morning as a cold front blew in from the Southern Ocean. Maxine had been out earlier to get some shopping and catch up with a friend from church but as the black clouds rolled in she headed home with every intention of putting her feet up and relaxing.

She wasn't the only one feeling relaxed. Rowena was lying on the couch with a glass of cordial and a plate of biscuits on the coffee table beside her. She'd been for her second interview that day and because this one had taken the form of a court case where she had to defend her application against the interviewer she was worn out. The interviewer Alana hadn't given her any hints or feedback but assured her she'd know for sure by Monday afternoon or Tuesday midday.

Nevertheless, she was quietly confident because there'd only been three other interviewees who'd made it through to the second interview. One of them was an older man who looked distracted or bored, the other two were women, one was ten years older and the other was younger.

"I think I'll just lie here all night," Rowena raised her head and sipped her drink.

"That storm's going to blow all night," Maxine glanced over as her phone beeped and she picked it up to read the message from Mark.

Mark: Heading out to coffee shop. See you there?

"Shit," she pressed the dial button and waited for him to answer.

"Mark, what're you doing going there tonight? Have you looked outside tonight, it's pissing down, the place will be dead."

"I'm on the team," he replied.

"But I'm not part of the team," she protested, "you are and that's different. I work with kids from Monday to Friday, I want some time off."

"So come along and have some coffee or hot chocolate."

"I've got coffee and hot chocolate and tea here, I've even got cup a soups."

There was a long pause and finally he sighed.

"Fine, sit at home, I just asked you out because I want to spend time with you but if that's not good enough then I don't know what to do about it."

"Where did this come from?" Maxine frowned, "I thought you were just asking to go to coffee shop because you needed support there?"

"You know what I mean," he replied.

Maxine stared at her window, trying to find a way to extricate herself without negative overtones and eventually she sighed.

"Look, I might come out but if I don't then that's because I decided to look after myself tonight, I was out last night and I don't feel like going out two nights in a row."

"All right," he actually sounded remorseful, "look I'm sorry if I sounded a bit upset, it's just that we hardly see each other anymore."

"We'll see each other tomorrow at church so let's just not make this into a big issue."

That had been an hour ago and as she examined herself in the wardrobe mirror Maxine felt irritated, she was going after all. She hadn't given in, she was going to sort this out once and for all even if it meant dropping him. She'd chosen her outfit appropriately, a black jumper over a white blouse and tee shirt, jeans and hiking boots. A black duffel coat and black beanie completed the outfit and when she stepped into the living room Dave raised his drink in salute.

"Whoa, the woman in black."

"Almost black," she grabbed her car keys, "I shouldn't be long but I'm going to have this out with him once and for all."

"Drive careful," Rowena spoke up.

"I will," she nodded, "anything you want me to bring back?"

"Nope," Rowena replied.

"Okay, wish me luck," she grabbed her handbag and phone.

As she drove out to the coffee shop she rehearsed her speech and there'd been several versions from the rather bland, 'it's not you it's me,' to a more abrupt, 'grow up and stop sulking.' She'd settled on a more constructive, 'we've got to take a step back, I need time out.' It did sound like a cop out but at this point in time it was the best she could do.

However all that preparation was for nothing when she pulled into a nearly deserted carpark, Mark's car wasn't there or in the smaller carpark at the side of the church. She stared moodily ahead as two women hurried towards their car and contemplated calling Mark to ask if he was coming but then she nudged the accelerator and shifted into first gear. She'd originally planned to head back home once she'd been to coffee shop but now that she was out it seemed a waste to not go somewhere else and so she turned left instead of right and headed towards Colchester Road. It occurred to her that perhaps she should call Johanna and see if she was home but instead she kept driving and as she pulled into the carpark she saw Johanna's red Toyota RAV4.

She sent a text to Rowena.

Maxine: Gone to the pool parlour instead, Mark wasn't there.

Rowena: No worries. Have a great night!

Maxine: I intend to, I feel a little deflated now, I was ready for a fight.

Rowena: It'll come soon enough, be patient... or not!

She entered the pool parlour not long after and spotted Johanna down the end of the hall with some of the people she'd met the other week.

Johanna turned as Jodie pointed Maxine out and raised a hand in greeting. Maxine made her way over to their tables. She could see Macca and Brenda along with Sue and Jodie, but they were talking to a small group of people who'd taken the tables at the far end of the pool hall, she came to a halt by Johanna's table. She was partnered with Macca against Sue and a woman with long blonde hair that fell to the small of her back. She looked to be in her mid twenties at the most. She had a small, roundish face and mischievous eyes that twinkled as Jodie came out with a ribald joke.

"I take it anyway I can get it," she potted her ball.

"Hej, you came after all," Johanna looked surprised, "I wasn't expecting you."

"Yeah, change of plans," she glanced over at Jodie who'd partnered with a guy she didn't know against Brenda and another guy.

"Cool, you feel like playing or just kicking back?" Johanna nodded at a woman playing practice pool by herself, "Shawna's looking for a partner, she's Trevor's girlfriend."

"Sure," she glanced at the woman playing with Sue, "I'll just go and get a cue."

"Grab one of them," Macca pointed to the cues in the rack, "we fucked up and hired one extra, after that you two play the winner out of us."

"Sure," she glanced at the other blonde woman, "hiya, I'm Maxine."