Jonas Agonistes

I kissed her forehead. Like I was her dad, I thought. I put my hands on her shoulders, then, and kissed her lips. Not like her dad. Great lips. The shoulders were good, too.

*

Monday afternoon Dr. Barry Lynd was surprised to see Jonas Simms enter his office.

"Jonas, what can I do for you?" he asked. He pointed Jonas to a seat in the cluttered room.

"Uh, I just wanted to give you a heads up, because people are starting to find out. You know how I told you I was in the military?"

"Yeah."

"You remember the discussion the other day. About 'Jeremiah?' Emily told you she had met him?"

"Yeah, I remember. So?"

"You introduced us, in class, sort of. I am the guy in the book. That's how I knew the author," Jonas said.

Barry was quiet. He steepled his fingers and then got a humorous look. "So we like to keep secrets, do we?" He had a smile.

Jonas smiled. "Only because I still have lots of issues. I start with a therapist soon."

"I'm glad you told me. So are you dating Miss Scott?" he said.

"As a matter of fact, I am..."

Lynd smiled. "She's something. I had her in another class and thought if I were not married..."

"You're a lech, Professor Doctor Lynd."

"Just don't tell my wife."

"She probably knows."

*

It was our fourth session, second week. Callie was the name, I picked a woman therapist. For issues from the war? I do not know. Am I trying to subvert? Do I want to fail?' Would failure succeed? She is 50 or so, big, smart.

I said, "I think I am falling in love with Emily."

Why do you think that?

"I cannot stop thinking of her. Her hair. Her freckles. Her shape. Her."

Perhaps it is not love.

"What then? What could it be?"

Obsession. Infatuation. Puppy love. Desperation. A link to reality.

Callie was not rising to the level of the emotion, he thought.

Why do you only think you are falling in love?

"I cannot trust. I'm afraid to commit even to myself."

Why is that?

"I sent dozens to their deaths...because I trusted my fellows to do the right thing. I then ordered my Marines to shoot at other Marines. Two of the others were killed. Guilt? Murder?"

Have you ever been in love before?

"No, not really. There was Jane, growing up. She's married with kids now. I've seen her in church a few times. We chat. Her husband seems like a good guy."

But it was just a crush or a kids' thing?

"Yeah. When I left for college she went a different way. When I left for Afghanistan she was married. No, I don't think it was serious. We never talked of marriage."

Is Emily good for you?

"What does that mean?"

Are you a better person around her?

Laughing. "I like her because she's pretty and smart and competent. And good, gentle, concerned. She talks to people looking right at them. And I think she liked me right away. She is not profane or crass, at least not in the situations I have been around her. She went to Africa to fight ebola.

She's competent at what?

"Life. She's a commercial pilot. She makes good comments in class. When she found out about al Gatar, she did not criticize or avoid me or anything."

Has anyone?

"Just the Marine Corps."

Has she criticized you at all?

"Well, she was mad at me for not telling her about my teaching suspension and the board hearing."

How did that feel?

"Good. It felt good. That she was mad."

Why?

"She came over to my house about 7 in the morning, the next morning after the meeting when she found out about it. She hadn't met my parents yet, so it wasn't easy. She was waiting for Mom when she went out to get the paper. I think she criticized me while making her affection for me obvious."

What do you think she sees in you?

"I think she sees me as a good person with a personality flaw."

What's the flaw?

"I can't trust."

Oh, but I think you can. And do. I think you are misdirecting me.

"Such as?"

Tom Marx. The school board: you let them see everything about al Gatar. You trusted Emily's parents the night you met them, telling her to explain about you-but you were too nervous to stay. Your parents. I don't know about Fr. Rick-you haven't mentioned him much.

"He's been busy. I've only seen him once since I got out of the Marines. Two years plus now."

I want you to think about all the people you trusted. Emily. Have you told her you're falling in love?

"No. It's only been four months."

ONLY four months?

"Mom says you shouldn't get married until you've gone through a whole year of family gatherings, holidays, and that sort of thing."

That's a wise rule. But I'm talking about love, not marriage. You were trying to deflect the conversation.

"Think so?"

Know so.

"No, I haven't told her."

Don't you think she has a right to know?

"I guess."

Have you told your mom or dad?

"No, but I talk about her to them."

You are ornery. You stifle yourself. You have friends but you avoid including them in the most important part of your life.

"More criticism."

You're paying me.

*

He went back to Callie a few days later.

What is the worst thing you saw in Afghanistan?

Jonas thought. "I think seeing that kid get slaughtered by the machine gun. The kid without the foot. He was helpless and handicapped and just wanted to live. And we just destroyed his protection and him with power."

Not the women in the field?

"You're asking me to distinguish within an atrocity as to which is the most atrocious. I resist that."

When you talk about that day, what do you say?

"I tell them what happened. I think I am comfortable explaining what I did, what happened, and why. They don't demand more than I want to give, usually. Ever, actually."

Do your students ask about it?

Jonas laughed. "Yes. After the board held their hearing, I felt like I could talk to my kids. I told them what happened, how the book was about me. I became popular for a few days."

Just a few days?

"How do you tell?"

How are your evaluations?

"Middling to good. I think I am getting decent marks, but not the best."

A few sessions ago you were talking about how the progressivist educational philosophy did not inspire you. What do you think now?

"In all my study of history, it is the people of character who make the world better or save what is best about it. We seem to teach some subjects because we want our kids to have the best chance in society. But I think we teach history and social studies because there are great ideas and things we need them to know so that our society is better off. So for my subject I reject the progressives; they want a selfish, me, educational system as if our society is a constant or there to enhance our selfishness or self-centeredness. They want us to prepare children for our society. I think in history and social studies we should be teaching kids not so much to fit in as to evaluate their society. How is it and how could it be? I like the perennialists and essentialists. But don't tell anyone. The progressivists dominate education. They practically disdain people who agree with me."

I've heard that. Callie smiled.

Have you talked to Emily?

"Yes."

Well?

"We talk. We are not lovers. Not that way, anyway."

How do you feel?

"I'm falling in love with her."

You said that months ago.

"Love is a long ways down."

Ask her to come next time.

"She's very busy."

Ask anyway.

*

Tom Marx called one evening.

"Jonas, how are you?"

"Doing well. Tom, how goes the book?"

"The book is selling. It's nominated for several book awards. Looks like it'll be up for the Pulitzer."

"Wow."

"I'm calling because my publisher has a proposition for you."

"Proposition?"

"Yes. They'd like for you to go to some promotional interviews after the school year ends. TV shows, one or two book signings. Completely up to you, and no pressure from me. They'll pay expenses and a small share of profits during the three months."

"Do you want me to do it?"

"Completely up to you. But it could be fun for you."

"I'll think about it."

Jonas Agonistes Chapter 6: The Girl in the Street

"Emily, would you like to meet some of my kids?" Jonas asked her in early May. "There's a softball game and I promised them I'd come by. It's early, around 4:30 Wednesday. At Saviour."

"I'd love it. I'll try to schedule around it. Have you told them about me?"

"I said I'd bring my girlfriend. I didn't mean to presume..."

"If I'm not your girlfriend, who is?" she asked. He was going to make a list but said nothing instead. He decided that was a good move, once he considered.

It was a grey day, with the sun finally poking through the clouds as 4:00 came by. It was a warm, moist day, but windy. Jonas's girls were worried the wind would blow out and they'd be in for a long afternoon. Their record was 3-7 and they thought they were lucky to win two of those. Jonas was in the stands, and noticed Emily's arrival. Emily pulled into the school parking lot still in her flying uniform and a light jacket. He walked out to meet her.

"Good flying?" he asked her.

"Always. A bit windy just made one touchdown a little more fun, but no problem at all."

Jonas held her hand and they walked up to the grandstand, taking a seat in the bleachers. It was almost immediate that the Saviour girls noticed Jonas with Emily. They were taking their infield practice. Jonas started to say something to Emily, but then stopped himself. "Be ready," he said. As soon as the coach pulled them off the field, they made a beeline for the fence gate and Emily. Suddenly she was surrounded by 10 or twelve adolescent girls, all asking her name and what she did and how long she'd known Jonas, who was off to the side and almost ignored.

He was laughing as the kids besieged his date, pushing past parents who wondered who was of such concern. He had been to two other games, so parents knew who he was and that it was his girlfriend who sparked the interest. Marcy Kilgallen came straight to the point: "Who are you and what's the uniform?" "I'm Emily Scott and I'm a pilot for a charter airplane service. Who are you?" "Marcy, and how long have you known Mr. Simms?" "Jonas and I met in January. In a history class, as a matter of fact." Tawana Bolling asked, "Are you getting married?" Emily looked coyly toward Jonas off to the side and said, "He'll have to ask me to find out. But I think we have a long way to go before that is an issue." At which the girls all laughed. Emily, and Jonas to some extent, were then saved by the appearance of the coach, who wondered who had kidnapped his team.

The next day, in class, Jonas got an earful. "She's way pretty, Mr. Simms." "Are you gonna ask her to marry you?" "I didn't know girls were pilots." "Doesn't it make you scared she's a pilot?"

"Look, I've known Emily for a few months, we take a class together, and we date some. So far I like her alot and I think she's a good person and really, really smart. She flies some of those little jets and two-propeller planes you see flying out of the smaller airports, usually. Oh, and I think she's 'way pretty' too."

*

Welcome, Emily. I'm Callie, Jonas's therapist.

"Pleased to be here. Jonas has mentioned he was going to a therapist. I'm not sure why I am here, though."

You are important to him. Has he told you?

"He calls, everyday. We see each other a few times a week. I went with him to watch some of his kids play softball a few weeks ago, and it was like I was a star attraction. The whole team came up in the stands to see me before the game."

You probably broke a few hearts.

"Yeah, right. They were cute, but you don't realize how young you are when you are in high school."

But he doesn't articulate his feelings?

"No," Emily said.

Jonas, how do you feel about Emily?

"Here? You are making me say it here?"

Just a request.

Jonas turned to Emily. They were sitting on a small couch together; Callie was in a chair. "I think I'm falling in love with you."

Emily held his hand. "Think so, huh?"

Silence.

"Maybe I should run with that to the bank and deposit it," Emily said.

Callie interjected, She means you hedge even the most important statement.

"Love has a commitment attached for me. I hesitate to make the commitment," he said.

What is the commitment?

"To love is irrevocable, for me at least."

What do you think of that, Emily?

"Who would want to revoke love?"

So do you think he really loves you?

Emily was quiet for a moment and then answered, "I think he is afraid. I think he cannot make the commitment on his own, yet."

Callie and Jonas were silent at that, perhaps agreeing. Then Callie said, What was the worst thing in your life, Jonas?

Jonas closed his eyes. "Looking out on that field was bad. I was responsible."

Are you sure? What was your mistake?

"I trusted the other platoon to do the right thing. Alvy Kelley, I told him they were noncombatants but the Captain must have had him fired up and eager."

Is that normal in battle? To get all fired up? What's it like?

"Sometimes it's like before the big game with people getting psyched up, jumping and eager because the aggression can win the battle. I read about a helicopter assault like that in Vietnam, once. Other times it is like you want to be cold and determined. My guys were cold and determined that day at al Gatar. I had them determined to follow my orders. I rehearsed it all with them, in their minds over and over. How many shots for recon, who would do it, where to fire if there were no Taliban. It was what I did that morning before we got on the helos."

So because you trusted your friend to do the right thing, a bunch of people were killed.

"Slaughtered."

Emily squeezed his hand.

"I dreamed of it one time like this. I remember a kid crying in the road and Paritzki kept yelling, "Get moving kid, go, get out of here" but the kid knew no English and we were the enemy to him. Paritzki was shooting at the hill, over the ruins of the buildings at the end of the road. He put his right foot under the kid, lifted him and the kid flew three feet down the road. "Move kid move go go" and then the kid was moving and crying and screaming but he was ALIVE and I thought, if the world is just, Paritzki should get a medal. Lyninger had a kid by the shirt and was half dragging him and then I awoke.

"There was no medal for the likes of us. I'm sure no one said thanks, to me or Turbo or Paritzki."

Jonas, why don't you remember the little girl? The one you carried in the picture? Do you remember first seeing her?

"No. I don't remember her at all."

You know, she is mentioned in the novel. And in some of the statements by others. But not yours.

"Maybe I'm blocking her out."

Think so? Emily looked at the therapist, understanding better the nature of Jonas's shell shock.

"What happened to the girl, Jonas?" Emily asked. She already knew, from the reports. "In the novel-what happened to the girl?"

"I don't remember her in the novel, sorry. Or any of the reports."

The therapist let there be a pause. Emily, how do you feel about Jonas?

"I've known him four months or so. I'm not falling in love with him because I already hit bottom. I fell. I've met no one like him."

Do you have trouble saying the words?

"I love Jonas. I've never felt like this before. He is a good and decent man."

She loves you, Jonas. What about that?

"I feel good but scared. Family. Children. We are different religions."

Different?

Emily smiled. "He's Catholic. I'm Presbyterian. We both practice."

Why are you scared of children and family, Jonas?

Jonas thought. "The heartache. The possibility of loss. The work. The responsibility. Loss."

If you love Emily she may have something bad happen-a car wreck, a plane crash, a random act of violence. Anyone you love is at risk.

"Yes, and families hurt so when a child dies."

What happened to that girl, Jonas?

Jonas closed his eyes. Emily held his hand and looked at his struggle. He remembered turning and running, the noncombatants making their way down that street, small arms fire, machine gun fire diminished, screaming, and he tripped.

A child crying, a girl beneath his feet. He kept his eyes closed. "I tripped on this girl, maybe seven, she was crying, I scooped her up and got us running, we were making it, making it, she was crying and struggling in my arm and then she was not there."

What do you mean, not there?

"She disappeared."

We have a picture. We know you saved her.

"No I did not. I held her up. Held her up. High. They could see her. I was running, down the center of the street." He stopped and an image formed in his mind.

"So they could shoot her head off." Jonas was crying silently, Emily too, silently, the therapist was not. Callie had worked with the victims of violence many times.

"If I had just put her on her feet and let her run... I made her a target."

*

"Hi, Jonas. This is Sharon. Sharon Scott."

"Mrs. Scott. Unexpected."

"Would you come to supper Friday? Emily and my husband will be there. And Chris, Emily's brother. Please."

"Of course. Thank you. Still, unexpected."

"You're important to Emily, Jonas."

"You are a singer, Ma'am. Of songs. You just don't realize."

"Maybe I do. A little. Friday. 6."

"Yes, Ma'am. 6. Friday."

*

I arrived at Emily's a little before 6. Mrs. Scott met me at the door.

"Jonas! Good to see you. Come in, you have to meet Chris."

She led me into the living room where I found Emily, Dad, and Chris. All stood.

Emily said, "Jonas, this is my big brother, Chris. He got the height in the family."

Chris was perhaps 5'5", about my age, with brownish red hair. He was slight, perhaps 140 pounds. "Jonas, pleasure." We shook hands and then sat in the overstuffed chairs.

"Chris, you're in school. What are you studying?" I asked.

"I'm at Stanford law. I graduate in a month. I'm here now because Dad had a plane coming this way from California, so I hopped it. I'll return Sunday on a morning Delta flight."

"A lawyer. I guess you've seen all about my case?"

"Yeah, you're quite a topic in seminars. We even had two second years stage a debate as to whether or not you should have been charged with a crime," he said laughing.

I looked at him and then his sister. "So which side would you have supported?"

"Tough case, but I was for no true bill. You were put in an untenable situation."

"Who won the debate?"

"Well, we're holding you're mock trial Tuesday, sorry." He was smiling. I thought, maybe that would give me something to talk about with Callie.

"I'd like to see it. Could you get me in? I'll take a personal day at school."

"Uh, it's in California you know."

"Yeah, well, I haven't paid rent since I lived in a dorm. I'd like to go, if you think I could get in."

"I'm sure Professor Wirtz would permit it. She might even like for you to comment."

"Can I get in without anyone knowing who I am? I mean, once the discussion is on, that would be fine. But I'd like to hear what people are saying without knowing I was involved," I said.

"Fine by me. I'll text Wirtz and see what she thinks."

"Great. Wonder what my therapist will think."

So I found myself flying to San Jose out of Dayton that Monday. I didn't even have to skip a class to make the flight; I flew for San Jose, rented a car, and arrived about midnight at my motel. I was nervous about the next day and had some difficulty sleeping.

I arrived on campus early, about 8 o'clock, but I was able to meet up with Chris. We walked to the trial room where I met Professor Wirtz.

"Professor Wirtz, this is Jonas Simms. Jonas, Sheila Wirtz." We shook hands. She smiled at me.

"I didn't realize when I first assigned this project that one of my students knew the subject," she said.