Judging Beauty

"Thanks to you, Bea. You taught me that revolution is not the only way. Negotiations can work wonders as well, depending on the situation." He said.

"I'm just glad to hear that Stoner. How are things going with you?" I asked.

"I'm good, Bea. I'm officially single now. No women in my life now. Just work would do. But...you are that special one. You would remain so for always. Would you date me again?" He asked.

"And you too, Stoner, you will remain that special man in my life. You taught me about pushing for our dreams and not letting go, but I regret I cannot date you again." I said.

"But the judge is gone now. You're not doing it long-distance are you?" Stoner asked.

"No." I said, feeling a smash in my heart as if some naughty boy had kicked a football into his grandmother's prized vase.

"Justice Greg Rhodes, some twenty years ago, was a very different personality. He had many lovers, many of them lawyers in his court. He worked hard, but he played hard too." Stoner continued on the line.

"You're lying. He was just posted here two years ago so how would you know?" I asked.

"I do a background check on every judge in whose court I have to present a case." Stoner replied.

"Not into those details, I'm sure..." I said.

"No, but I've asked your boss, and he knows about Rhodes. They worked together twenty years ago until Joseph set up his own practice in Rubik eight years ago. They both come from the commercial hub of Rand, you know." Stoner said.

I did not know that beforehand. Why did Greg not tell me about this before?

"He never had a stable relationship, not even once in those twenty years." Stoner continued.

I guessed he was gauging my reaction.

"Yes, I agree." I said.

It was true, but the sad thing was that we never even started on a relationship.

Greg had told me about the many women in his life and I was not surprised about the womanizing part.

"So don't feel too bad about it. He has a long history and it's difficult to change things." Stoner said.

"Ah, Stoner, I don't know if you're telling me this to console me or to get me to go out with you?" I asked.

"Both." Stoner said.

"I can't, Stoner." I said.

"Why?" He asked.

"I do not love you in the romantic sense anymore." I replied.

His betrayal of me took much of the love I felt away into anger, disappointment and sadness. Now I had felt nothing. I was free of Stoner.

"What issues do you have with him? I asked Stoner.

I heard a huge sigh on the other side of the line.

"If you really must know, I tried to bribe him in a case and he did not take it." Stoner said.

"I see." I said.

Yet Greg did bribe his ex-girlfriend so that she would not attend court. How strange this world is.

...

One might think that I was doing well but in reality I was drowning. I did not feel well. I felt exhausted easily and I could not find that zest in life anymore. Everyday activities became a chore. I was on automatic mode and was not doing much thinking. Joseph noticed my inefficiency for the first time but he said nothing. It was only when he was on the phone I heard him speak to his wife complaining that he had to stay back later because his legal assistant was experiencing a breakdown.

I did not think that I was as bad as that. Looking back, I did spend my nights being the wild thing. I did not want a sweet, young, thing label to stick to me. I would show the world that I was capable of forgetting Greg Rhodes.

The man did not even call to inform me that he had arrived safely in backwater Raile. He had totally abandoned me and tossed me in his garbage bin. Yes, the chemistry we had was only on the physical side and nothing more. Friends we were maybe, but the type of friends who are friends because of work. I did not call him either. I was just too tired and heartbroken. He left after all. I should not be the one calling. It should have been him.

I frequented seedy bars most nights after work, those bars where people bought ecstasy pills and other drugs easily. I tried to smoke but I ended up coughing my lungs out. I tried to flirt but ended up chasing men away. I tried to do drugs but chickened out because of its illegality. I tried to do a great many things but failed like crazy. The only thing which I did do was drink. I would be heavy-headed and sluggish but not too incapacitated. I could sleep better when my head was blacked out.

I was a month into my wilder pursuits now. I drank liquor like water. As always, I drank to sleep better. I could not drink at home because my parents would fume like crazy. They were already asleep by the time I arrived home after midnight. They thought that their poor daughter had to work late. They did not suspect a thing. Like I said, I knew how to conceal my steps. I only drank enough to get myself to bed. My parents thought that their poor daughter was working on a complex case.

One particular night, I had downed quite some liquor when my phone rang. I picked it up, wondering who would call at nearly midnight.

"Beauty, it's me, Greg. Where are you?" Said that all too familiar voice.

Only thing was I could not hear it.

"Who are you?" I shouted over the line.

It was very noisy with the throbbing music.

"Greg. Greg Rhodes." He repeated loudly.

"Don't know who you are." I said, practically laughing the words out.

"At home." I said immediately.

Yet I could not help laughing.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"About to go to bed." I answered.

I smirked. Oh, he must never know.

"Why is it so noisy?" He asked.

"The television is still on." I replied.

As much as I would like to say that I threw myself completely into a drunken state, I was not quite there yet. I was now cautious.

"Can you switch it off?" He asked.

"No." I said.

"I would like to talk to you." He said.

"It's past midnight. I'm tired." I said.

I ended the call with a click on the mobile. I did not want to talk to him.

The next few days he called several times a day but I did not answer. He left voice messages but I did not listen. I felt betrayed by a friend who did not bother to keep in touch, who did not call to tell me that he had arrived safely.

I spent the weekend strolling by the shore two evenings in a row. I had calmed down and was now very mellow. I recalled the bitter-sweet times I had with Stoner and Greg. It was strange. In the beginning I had called Greg the judge, never thinking about his name. But now, it was always Greg and just Greg.

"Beauty."

I heard his voice. No, it could not be. I dwelled too much on it until I start hearing his voice in the open.

"Beauty."

This time I turned around. He was there a few steps behind me.

"Why...how...what are you doing here?" I asked.

He narrowed the distance between us, and said in a voice full of rapture of an emotion which made my heart fall hook, line and sinker.

"I was wondering how you were doing. You did not answer my calls." He said.

"I was busy, I'm sorry." I said.

"Joseph told me that you spend your nights drinking in the bars." He said.

He looked at me with a deep expression. I felt mad.

"How would he know and why would he tell you that?" I asked.

"He saw you I guess and he called me because he was concerned about you. And so am I." He said.

"Damn right you are." I said sarcastically.

"Do you have problems?" He asked.

I shook my head.

"Have I satisfied you? So you can go back and tell Joseph I'm fine, and then you can fly back to Raile." I said.

"I'm not going back." He said suddenly.

"Oh, I see." I said, but nothing more.

"Can we talk?" He asked.

"No." I said.

"I want to speak to Joseph first." I said.

Joseph should not have called Greg. I felt like Joseph was betraying me. Why would he intervene into my personal life?

"He was concerned about you."

And then he said "You have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen in my life."

I blinked. This was unbelievable. I almost expected to find some hidden camera like in those Candid Camera shows.

I was startled and was cautiously observing him.

"I should have told you this a long time ago but I was such a fool and you must have found me a pain in the neck." He continued.

Indeed I have found him to be a whole pain but not so much my neck. It was my heart...

A thousand thoughts ran in my head. I was busy analysing them when he spoke with that enduring rapture again.

"I love you, Beauty Sands. The first time I laid my eyes on you, I fell head over heels in love with you. The only thing was I did not realise it. When I did realise, I thought you deserved someone younger and better. You did go out with Stoner then. And when it pained me so much, I thought, to the hell with someone younger and better. I was going to be that one man." He said.

He held my waist with his arms. I felt the tumultuous pressure in his hands against my skin.

I could only look at him in amazement. I could not believe that I was hearing this. I had longed for this for so long a time.

My head was in a muddle. I failed to analyse any coherent train of thought. All I could think of was "He loves me. He loves me. Of course I knew he loved me, but now he is saying finally that he loves me!"

When he noticed that I failed to say anything, he broke the silence.

"Now, Beauty Sands, I am quite certain that you love me too. I know because the first time you met me, you took me in your wing with my secret. You listened to me, you never judged me. And I always made you cry, and you cried because of me. And for a time, you kept coming to my chambers. You tried to tell me in your own way...but I was just an abdomible brute." He said with passionate tremor.

Still, I could not speak. My long nuances of conversations in his chambers could not come. Here I was stunned. His manifestations of his regard to me were so heart wrenchingly beautiful, yet they were poignant at the same time, given what we had undergone.

"Beauty, I know this must be sudden for you. But I'll wait for you however long it takes. I had requested a transfer back to Rubik as a judge here again. Some administrative complaints arose but it was done. So many things happened between us during this time; from a lunatic judge confiding in you, you keeping that lunatic's secret, you with Stoner, me getting you out of the Lake Side...but don't you see Beauty? We came back together. We emerged stronger each time." He said.

I have never heard Greg speak so much at one go. Here was the man I loved, speaking ninety to a dozen. Yet he looked so much like a forlorn puppy so much so that I yearned to hug him.

"I want you to know that I got you out of the detention facility because I loved you, not because I owed you one. I confided in you because I felt an affinity to you for it is you who broke through my wall of resistance without even trying." He said, his voice breaking with every word.

I gazed at the man I loved. Here he was, in person, standing right before me. Had I the right to ask for more?

"Beauty, say something please. Talk to me." He cried, now grasping my hands.

"I...I..." I stammered.

I was really at a loss for words now. Strange is it not, when normally I would be the one talking.

"What, Beauty? Say anything." Greg pestered me now.

"The first time when you spilled coffee on me...I saw the blue in your eyes..." I said, trying to explain his impact into my life.

"Yes, yes...go on." He said, gently.

"Something happened." I said, looking into his beautiful, blue eyes.

"My heart's dearest, what happened?" He asked with a tremor in his voice.

"You were right." I said, feeling shy.

"Right about what? I need to hear you say it, Beauty." He said gently, lifting my chin upwards so that our faces were on par with each other.

I hid nothing from him. My face shone for him. He had started caressing my cheeks. He already knew. There was no need for words.

"Tell me straight in the face, dearest. It would make me the happiest man on earth to hear those three words coming from your lips." He said.

All this while, the pressure of his palms on my cheeks stimulated some wilderness in me which had been awakened during our holiday together.

"What if I don't say it, Greg? What would you do?" I whispered, finding it difficult to concentrate on anything except him and his touch on my skin.

"I'll do this." He said, passionately.

He scooped me up in his strong arms. We embraced by the shore, by the sea against the setting sun. We kissed without violation, giving in freely without the inhibitions which once ruled us.

"I'll take your actions as a yes. In law, especially in contract law, silence is deemed as acceptance, dear lawyer." He said in a ragged voice.

"I know that, Your Honour. I'm not that dumb." I replied.

I felt bliss surrounding us, and I knew he felt the same way when I looked into his remarkable blue eyes.

"I love you, Greg Rhodes." I said softly, looking at those beautiful blue eyes.

"How much I had loved you right from the start..." I said, barely in a whisper, still enthralled by his eyes, keeping my gaze on him.

He let out a groan and said, "Finally, Beauty Sands. You really make me suffer."

I touched his lips, tracing its ends gently. These lips which had kissed me so tenderly just now.

"I didn't intend to. Your declaration came quite suddenly. I thought you had given up on me. I was stunned." I whispered.

He grabbed my hands from his lips and kissed them possessively.

"I guess I'm clueless and wild when it comes to love. Are you afraid of me, dearest? He asked, full of concern.

I shook my head from left to right. I leaned against his chest, wrapping my arms around his waist.

"When I said that I missed the Rubik court, I meant that I missed you in the court, coming to my chambers..." He said.

I felt bashful but I was very happy.

"You mean you miss me barging in towards you like a bull in a china shop." I said.

I could not help but giggle. The bile in his throat rose and he laughed.

"I wished at the Waterfall of Blessings that you would love me." He said.

I looked at him, then buried my face in his chest, feeling embarrassed.

"I wished the same." I said, too shy to face him.

"Then when I wanted to show it, why did you reject me?" I asked, shielding my face from him still.

The wall of his chest was a perfect hideout. Not only could I feel his heart beating, I felt all his warmth for me.

"I was such a confused man. I had my suspicions that you did love me, yet I felt that you deserved someone better than me. Our age difference was a huge factor. I tried to protect you from me." He said.

"Oh. Now you changed your mind?" I asked.

"Yes. I was so miserable. I could not eat, I could not sleep. I could not judge. I did not realise how much I needed you like I needed fresh air." He said.

"From now onwards, we are in this journey of life together." He said, kissing the lids of my eyes when I gazed at him, mesmerized.

"Do you know that months ago, I spoke to your parents about wanting to be with you? I told them that I loved you. They gave me the green light. Only that I was a fool not to pursue it. You were my proposed business in which I was too much of a coward to take any risks." Greg said.

"Oh, Greg..." I said, my heart leaping out for him.

I was surprised that he had already told my parents that he loved me. No wonder my mother was giving me weird looks every time she asked me about him.

He started caressing me and was about to get carried away when I stopped him.

"What now, Beauty?" He asked, slightly confused.

"Can you cook me a Zen-styled mixed vegetable dish incorporating different coloured vegetables? The first day I met you, I managed to get you from ghastly white to piping red when I blew your cover. I thought then if ever you should come to thank me one day for bringing colour into your life, you should cook me this dish." I said.

"Oh my...was I that bad? Yes, my love, anything at all. I love to cook, you know. I'll save you from a lifetime of cooking. As well as a future husband, I'll be your chef for life." He said.

"Who says I want to marry you?" I asked, quite shy now.

"You will, I know." He said confidently.

We are content, very much so. I could go on writing about events which happened thereafter, the trials and tribulations of our life together and everything under the sun. Yet I shall contend myself by stating that we had and are still having many happy times together. There are trials and tribulations which we face, yet we face them together, his trust in mine and my trust in his. As a team, we work very well together. As husband and wife, we love very well together. Despite the trite fact that we do not share any mutual interests, we share our deepest heartfelt love for each other which will last us this entire life.

We share love, and love is the one thing which binds us together. There is this chemistry between us that is just so undeniable.

He is my guiding light, my torch bearer and most of all my lover. He has saved me in the many ways one could be saved. He instilled confidence in me, made me aware of strength I never knew I possessed and he is the only man who made me feel whole. No one had ever done that except him.

I am flawed and deeply so. I am not perfect but he sees me as perfect. Even as I try to navigate life's journey, I stumble along the way and shrink into my shell. He has become part of my shell.

I tell this story with the knowledge of what I knew then without foreseeability of the future. Thinking back, there were times I could have done things differently. I cannot change them now. My solace is that I hope I have grown wiser. My life I feel, has come full circle.

I am no role model although some people see me as such given my involvement in the freedom movement and subsequent tinkering for more rights from the government. I am not entirely pure and do not do so solely for the cause. It is my inner me who wants to show myself that I could do so if I wanted to. I would not fail.

By embarking on this cause, I am actually helping myself first. I wonder about politicians, activists and Samaritans of the day. Are they really pure at heart or are they just like me?

Sometimes it is the tide; the wind which blows us where we go. And from there, we decide what to do. We do so because we can and because we do not know what else to do.

I have spoken of this to Greg and he listens patiently. Yet he says I am purer than anyone he knows. He says that while people tend to exaggerate their qualities, I tend to downsize them. I am truly and angel, he insists. And to that, comes a strike on not to kiss him until he says that I am not an angel.

He always yields the upper hand though. I say it is because he is a judge. He just knows how to manipulate people, even the ones he loves, in a nice way of course. He says then that I am full of wholesome goodness.

To which I retort, "I'm not some sort of cereal recommended by the National Food Administration!"

To which he must say, "I propose this lovely woman become mayor of our town one day!"

I never did become the mayor although I did dabble in local government. I found the managing tiresome and the attention to detail ridiculous. I was by nature, perhaps you would already know, quite flamboyant and I went with the call of the wind. I was an artist. I liked to create and busy myself with poetical ideals. I was afraid, yes, but with some gentle encouragement and sometimes, pushing from Greg, I was able to campaign for the betterment of society.

I left politics to my bored friend, Ana. I played a role in persuading Peter who was Greg's friend, into offering her the job of personal assistant to the mayor because Ana had such an eye for detail. And I knew she was brilliant. After a few months, she by then found her niche in politics where she also eventually married the incumbent mayor, a man they said she tamed, aptly named Boston Wild.