Judging Beauty

"Follow me." He gestured.

What a pair we must have been. Both of us with coffee stains walking back to the judge's chamber. Lawyers looked the other way when they saw him approaching to give him some sense of dignity. When I was walking by his side, it seemed everyone respected me and made way for me too. It was a far cry from my clean self this morning minus the spilled coffee.

I was now glad that Stoner was not here to witness this mess. I do not know how his reaction would have been. I did not know him well enough but I liked to be under his approval.

We climbed up a flight of stairs where we reached the first door to the right. He opened the unlocked door. Inside was a spacious room with a large mahogany table and two chairs. He reached for the phone and called his interpreter, ordering him to inform court that he would be delayed for half an hour.

He beckoned me to sit which I did.

"Let me reimburse you for the cost of a new blouse." He said.

"You do not have to feel obliged. This is not expensive attire." I said, speaking as a matter of fact.

I did not earn enough for excessiveness.

"So what business do you have in court today? I have never seen you before." He said.

"The fraud case that you were going to decide." I said, gaining straight on bull's eye.

I know that I could just make up a white lie, but somehow I felt compelled to speak the truth to the judge.

"Ah. Is that so?" He asked.

There was a hint of scepticism in his voice.

I nodded.

"You don't see me but I work for Joseph." I said, speaking far too quickly for my liking.

I was ashamed at my limited knowledge of litigation. Whenever I got nervous, I sped through my words as if I was pouring water into the sea to save myself from drowning; a useless activity which no doubt yielded embarrassment.

I know that lawyers here behave and act a certain way. There are a few groups among the whole profession with lots of gossip from each group about the legal community, amounting to not more than a hundred regular lawyers who go to court.

"I see. I am supposed to give a decision on your client today." He said.

I nodded. Belatedly I came to the realization that I was unconsciously twisting my fingers and drawing imaginary circles with them. I concentrated on putting up an acceptable first impression to the judge. I did not want to say anything which would make him think I am some silly bumpkin.

I was aware that at the ripe age of thirty eight, I should have had more legal experience. Yet I had stalled my career in favour of teaching in a public school. I was too comfortable in school to move out for a new career. Teaching was only supposed to be a temporary transition until I got a job as a lawyer. Yet I taught for ten years, procrastinated on job hunting yet enjoying it a lot for it was a transient phase of my life. I lived my teaching days to the full knowing that one day it would end. That realization kept me seizing the day come what difficult students may, a phrase we teachers substituted for "come what may".

Some fragility inherent in me was my inability to stick to my own rationalization over what is best for me. I wanted to portray myself as a successful lawyer. Yet this wistful thinking disappeared the second I saw him arranging his papers.

Gone was the prim and proper first impression I had initiated. I felt compelled to ask when I saw how deft he was with his fingers toying with the bundles of paper on his table. He arranged his papers quickly and he did not seem clumsy at all. He had nimble movements and an accurate eye target aimed at border line to border line.

I was too honest for my liking. Lawyers lie, friends told me. Maybe I should have stuck to teaching rowdy teenagers.

"You bumped into me on purpose didn't you, Your Honour? It was no accident." I said.

I did not care if he was a judge. I was all for treating everyone the same. No more hiding behind fake boundaries. I heaved a sigh of relief. I shall not treat him with the superficial respect lots of lawyers bestowed upon him. Generally it is said that the more you "spice up" a judge, the more favourable his decision will be for you. This was what Joseph told me. After all, I rationalized afresh; I do not go to court. It made no difference to me. Let him lash out at Joseph.

His pale face; from ghastly, simmered with colour.

"I think you should go. Now, please. It is very rude of you. It was an accident." He said.

He pointed to the door; nodding at it at the same time. The blue eyes were now shrinking away from me.

Immediately I stood. It was that regal command which made me stand up automatically. However, faculties intact, I was just as sharp with words, if not for behaving like an automaton. Certain things I could not help myself. I was more of a follower than a leader. Still, I pride myself in questioning authority. This is what I had learnt from handling those delinquents at school. They surely knew how to rebel.

Well, at least I brought back some colour into his face. He looked much more presentable now with the reddening of his cheeks.

If ever come the day should he thank me for that makeover, I would demand from him a speciality dish of mixed vegetables, Zen style. This colourful medley had captured my attention. I once saw it on the Cooking Channel, and was too lazy to cook it for myself.

The mind has crazy longings at the oddest times. I was brought swiftly back to the present when I heard his deep breathing. He had somehow narrowed the distance between us and was about to shove me out of his chambers. His stubborn hands pointed at the heavy door.

"You are afraid of something." I said, moving away from him.

He being close to me within whispering range caused me to feel very uncomfortable. There was a lot of energy emanating from this man. He was like a creature from the Himalayas - the Yeti - all warm-blooded in the cold.

There was an air of eerie silence in the big chamber. Too many wooden structures for my liking. I concentrated on a spot above his head at the curtains. Even then, they appeared to be stiff grey fabric. Whoever had the slightest idea of decency would never have put up grey curtains! It was just so dull and yes, figuratively grey.

It was too much to look at him. He seemed to be out of himself now.

I could not comprehend the quirkiness of my feelings. They shifted from righteousness to compassion. I now felt like comforting him. My pedagogic instincts had taken over.

Then I said, without any restraint, as gently as I could, "Do not be afraid. Talk to me and I'll listen."

He stood there looking at me from head to toe. He said not a word. He appeared stunned and did not know how to handle his unpredictable guest.

"Who are you exactly?" He asked with a tinge of nervousness in his voice.

"I'm Joseph's new legal assistant. I have been working with him for the past year. I know I'm not a fresh graduate from university; but that's because I was teaching before I decided to dabble in law. Yes, I know, I am much older than most new lawyers entering the profession." I said.

And then silently to myself, "Probably the silliest one as well."

Suddenly I was cautious of my looks. Maybe I did not dress right today. Maybe there was a smudge on my face. Maybe I just looked too ugly for my exotic name.

"Oh I see." He said, still trying to read me like a book.

I walked towards the chair again.

Joseph's command struck my head like a lightning bolt. It was about time it came. In the midst of this strange conversation, I had completely forgotten to do as he asked me to. I had no concrete plan or backup plan. I just felt like staying really. It was only a plus point that Joseph had asked me to stall this strange judge. He intrigued me like no other.

"The witness will come. She is delayed at the airport." I said.

"Why should I believe that now?" The judge asked.

He was the first to break the silence between us.

"My decision is due, you know that, don't you?" He asked.

"Will you then gracefully take leave to wait?" I asked.

In between our unanswered questions but assumed answers, I pressed the side of my head hard. My head was heavy; it felt muddled. Everything unspoken yet of importance were essentially in the brimming questions. They contained fire which rose with every word.

Oh, how much I missed those rowdy students!

I saw how forlorn he had become.

"I shall wait then. Do accompany me here." He said.

"I don't think it's proper for me to be here. After all, technically I am one of the parties you were going to decide for. But I am glad that you have decided to sit it out for a bit. I appreciate it." I said.

"Let's do away with the technicalities, shall we, Beauty? The law is so full of them. Does it really serve justice?" He asked.

I honestly did not know. I guessed that if everyone were to abide by the procedural requirements, then justice is served. If some parties were allowed to get away with it while others slogged at some lengthy procedure, then it would be unjust as well. I know the law to have so many rules of procedure, but just as much on substance. The law was always growing.

The one attribute of the law which appealed to me was the flexibility and the various ways of interpretation. I sought the use of the power of words. I was a hapless idealist. I believed far too easily and thus was swayed like the wind upon hearing different sides of any argument. I was a tolerant observer in many cases. It had certainly weighed in on the way I listened to my parents. I might not agree with them but I understood things from their point of view.

I had adapted this survival strategy especially when my mother found it fit to give unwarranted advice. She always does so without fear or favour. In many ways, she is like our autocratic government, deciding what is best for our people, whether or not we wanted it. She means well and in the best of times, we are one big happy family; and in the worst, I would not want to know. I think I have not reached that stage yet. There were already times when she was very unforgiving and hard on me because I did not take in to her choice of men.

"I think it depends on the outcome." I said, referring to the law now.

We did not speak more. I was now acutely aware that I was in his chambers, just doing nothing. Sitting down with a stained blouse facing him. The room, spacious as it was, had windows which were pad-locked. A strong scent of coffee lingered in the air. There was an uneasy tension between us.

Under the long fluorescent light, I saw that he was in his mid-forties. There were slight tints of grey on his sideburns. The paleness of his skin accentuated his troubled face. From his harsh features, I could see that he was an obstinate character.

Then as if he had just been unwound like a toy, he started talking to me. He opened up to me. At first he had difficulty speaking but gradually he loosened up. And I listened; properly and kindly. I did not ask any questions like before.

He seemed to be like a cup which was all full. For him to talk was to let go of the world which made him uniquely so him.

I squeezed his hand tight. I was surprised at how warm my own hands were over his. My hands were normally an icy cold. My ex-boyfriends either found my hands a source of amusement or at the end of the spectrum, they viewed me as freaky.

I was going to make things all right for him. I felt a sense of deep compassion over this ghastly looking man called the judge of court two.

"Sometimes it is the end, not the means to the end which matters." I said, after listening to his narrative.

His new gaze took me by surprise. He was looking at me all this while but now this gaze was different. It possessed solid colour and the knowing anticipation of something greater. I could sense that his heart was beating fast. It was as if I heard it beat for me, telling me something.

"And I believe in you." I said, prompted by instinct.

Just those words and then it was time. The half an hour passed quickly. He went to the Bench while I found a place in the public gallery.

"You are out of this world. If only we had crossed each other's path fifteen years earlier." He had said.

"Why is that?" I had asked.

"Then you would have told me off if I did the wrong thing." He said.

"You wouldn't want that. Fifteen years ago, I was a very stern teacher and unforgiving. Over the years, I mellowed down." I said.

"You might have had a crush on a then handsome lawyer like me." He said.

We both laughed. I did not see how that was possible because then I was attracted only to tall, dark and handsome men. This judge certainly did not fit that category. His demeanour baffled me. Now a prince charming was all that he was not. When I was fifteen, Stoner would have fitted perfectly well into that category. Now a solid fifteen years later, this profile of a man still appealed to me.

His interpreter called the court to order. Joseph, for the defendant, stood up and said that the witness was finally here. He argued in his bellowing voice that the decision could not be reached today. It was an affront of justice. He argued it along with a medley of Latin maxims which I did not catch but was nevertheless impressed to hear.

I concentrated myself on her. The witness had long auburn hair. It appeared to be flowing although the air was still in court two.

We cannot stop the mind from thinking of irrelevant details. I had wondered which brand of hair spray she had used, and what attracted powerful men to her.

Her high heels clicked and clacked when she stood to acknowledge what Joseph was saying. The clicks and clacks filled the silence of the court and sounded dignified. She had an elegant poise. She smiled and flashed her pearly white teeth at the judge, then at the audience.

She was really beautiful. She could have been named Beauty and everyone would applaud. As a person unworthy of being called beautiful in the physical sense, I cringed at my full name even more.

Joseph requested for a fresh trial with another judge given this new evidence to prove that our client was in fact with her in a hotel when the forgery took place.

Following strict law, a change of judge was not required but Joseph felt that he had enough of the judge. Knowing Joseph, he wanted a judge which he could manipulate easily. This judge was not easy to read and string around the fingers.

His Honour noted down Joseph's objections and granted all the requests.

Joseph smiled at our client. I looked at the judge. He was emotionless but I could detect a trace of shakiness in the way he arranged his papers. I noticed because I had seen him arranging his papers with such precision from border end to border end in the chambers. He did not look in my direction nor at anyone in the audience. He merely gave a blank glance at the sea of people watching the trial. Some were journalists, some lawyers and others were spectators from the public.

After that, I told Joseph that the judge wanted to see me because I had spilled coffee on him. He wanted to give me a lecture, I said. This was not true at all. Joseph did not bother. He might be a good lawyer, but sometimes his perception of events outside court was obscure. Or maybe he did not bother about what I did. This would be the second time I would be in the chambers. Joseph said that he would meet me in office.

"By the way, Bea, great job. I never saw it in you but you did great with that stunt you pulled off." Joseph said, patting me on the back.

"Thanks...I did not expect it either." I said.

Ironically, it really was the truth. I walked into the direction of the judge's chambers. First door on the right at the top of the staircase. It was the only chamber in court which I recognized for sure.

On the way, I noticed that some friends were looking at me. Some in awe and some in disdain.

"Hey, Bea. What brings you to court?" Sophia Gloria Kensington asked.

Somehow when I think of Sophia, I think of her in her full name. It was a mouthful but it suited her character. She was a gregarious personality who loved to hog the spotlight. She had for numerous times tried to vie for the attention of the most eligible bachelor in the legal world, both in Rubik, in Rhine and the whole country to boast. The Stoner Corts. Oh, he was not in court today, was he not?

I would not like Stoner going out with her because I felt possessive of him. But I knew I would not compete with Sophia. She was bound to win. Perhaps it was for the best that Stoner was neither interested in me or Sophia.

She used to be on the Rubik Legal Aid Committee with me, but has since left to concentrate on more pressing issues. That was what she had told me. I had remained in the Committee since. I found, to my dismay, that the Committee was inactive and its' Chairman; our mutual friend, Ben Lowe, dispassionate.

"Joseph wanted some papers." I said.

Automatically I said that. Sometimes I wish I would be more honest but I could not, given the situation.

"What was with you and the judge?" Asked Ben, one of my closer friends from the opposite gender.

I used to have a crush on him when I first started the profession one year ago. He was one of the nicer lawyers. All full of life and energy; he was running around three different courts in one day.

"I accidentally spilled coffee on him." I said, shaking my head at the same time.

Again, another lie. But I can take refuge in it now. It was a white lie. For some irrational reason, I felt that I had to cover-up for the judge. I wondered if I shook my head because I had a higher sense of truth or was it simply because I was supposed to appear embarrassed at myself for spilling coffee at him; thus reprimanding myself.

"Don't worry, very few saw." Ben was pacifying me.

Dear old Ben. He was always concerned of keeping up with the group. He was very influenced about what others would think of him. He could not have lawyers gossiping behind his back. He had to be the one who was passing the news; not the news itself. If it was something honourable he did, then he would expect the same. He expected this good gossip to go around as well without him having to do all the talking. He would just take a respite and listen to the praises showered by friends and non-friends. You see, news travels fast in the legal community.

He did not know that I did not bother about what impressions others made of me. If they gave me the attention, then I shall bask in its light. If they did not, then I will prowl like a cat in the darkness.

"Matthew saw. You poor dear. I promise you if people asked me, I would say I did not know anything." Sophia said.

Ironic that she smiled when she said that. She actually looked happy. I likened Matthew Trisdale to the messenger of the Gods, Hermes, and loudspeaker of the lawyers which I called "The Noise". He was also prone to exaggerate and make up his own stories. The only problem was that they all sounded very believable. I remembered my early days of practice when I believed his stories. I acted upon them, causing me to be unpopular by saying the wrong things.

"You know what, you could tell them. I don't mind. It was what happened. It was an accident." I said.

Ben looked at me as if I was out of my mind. Sophia looked at me curiously. She would tell anyway. She never made promises.

"By the way, have you seen Stoner?" She asked me.

She did not know that I vied for his attention, and that I had the opportunity to know him before she did. I would like to say "First come, first serve. Take your number and wait until you are called."

I shook my head. I did not think he was in Rubik today. He would have probably showed up in the corridors already. He was another one who loved attention.