Just For the Week Ch. 02

"I want to be with you. But what happens in three months? In August, we both leave for separate schools to live separate lives. I know some high school couples make it work forever, but the odds are against it. In the best-case scenario, we both 'come out' as a couple and spend the best summer of our lives together. Over these few months, I would end up getting in deeper and deeper with you, falling for you even more than I already have, making the end of our relationship even harder than if you had let me walk out of here tonight." My eyes drop down to our entangled fingers. "Leaving home for the first time and starting a new life in a new state will be hard enough without the added complication of a freshly broken heart. And believe me, whether it's in a week or in a few of months, leaving you will break my heart." I take in a hitched breath, "If we walk away from each other after prom, it'll suck worse than anything has ever sucked. But at least we'll have the summer to recover and heal."

Tyson frowns, "Just because the summer will come to an end doesn't mean we'll have to. There are ways of staying connected. So many ways. We can be at each other's fingertips no matter how far apart we are."

"But I want the real you, in real life. And that's what I won't be able to have." I inch even closer to him, "When college starts, life will change so much. Sitting here today, we can't even begin to imagine. I have an older brother who's just about to graduate from Augustana. I've hardly seen him in four years and I know that of all of his dozens of high school friends, the only one he's still connected to is the one that went to Augustana with him. That's just what happens."

"But what if we didn't... What if we went..."

"Stop. Don't say what you're about to say." I'm almost shaking. "We're 18 years old. We have our whole lives ahead of us. As much as I want to be with you -- and believe me, I've never wanted anything more -- we can't plan our futures around each other." I can see that my words sting him. "We're too young to limit ourselves; to not give our dreams their best chance."

"You overthink things. I'm not asking you to not go to Berklee. I'm not asking you to not follow your dreams. I am asking you to live and see where life takes us. We'll handle the future when it comes. Right here, right now, it's just us. And who knows? Maybe our dreams have room in them for each other."

Wow. He's an athlete, an artist and a poet. I look into those piercing blue eyes. He spreads his arms and we hug. It's a long tight embrace that lasts for a good 10 silent minutes. I feel safe and comfortable in his arms. It feels right. I want this feeling to last. I want my time with Tyson to go on -- forever. But I'm also a realist. I feel like one way or another, our relationship is timestamped.

Tyson kisses my forehead and ends the embrace first. He says, "Can I make a suggestion?"

I nod.

"We've already committed to this week, through prom, right? Let's just go all in on it. Have a blast. Everyone knows we're together for this week anyway. Only you and I will know that it's not an act anymore. Saturday at midnight, the official end of prom and inclusion week, we find each other, go somewhere alone and cast our votes. Do we continue on as boyfriends, do we continue on as just regular friends, or do we end things completely with no future contact? Those are the choices. If we don't both vote the same, then we default into the friend zone."

There's more than one way to hurt someone. Someway, somehow, over the course of the past hour, I feel like I've transitioned from the one getting hurt to the one causing the hurt. I look up into his hopeful, blue eyes. I nod again.

He says, "I'm going to win you over. You're never gonna want to let me go."

That's what I'm afraid of.

Four days down and six to go.

~~

Today we go to my new lab partner's house. Like his height and his feet, his house is way bigger than mine. Everything is sleek and modern -- like something out of a magazine. We mount the stairs and silently slip down the hall, socked feet on the hardwood floor, not disturbing his sister. Hid bedroom is bigger than mine and so is his bed. Everything is proportional.

We both shed our blazers and ties. I look in his wide eyes. Grinning at me, he nods. I leap into his arms and we both tightly wrap our limbs around each other, like two boa constrictors. He walks us over to his bed where we topple and roll around.

He finds my mouth and we taste each other. After a good half hour of tongue wrestling, he nibbles my earlobe and I sprout goosebumps everywhere. Next, he plunges his tongue right into my ear. I wouldn't have imagined enjoying that, but wow... I am so turned on.

I roll us over and now I'm on top. I pin his arms down, but we both know he's only pretending to be trapped. My new lab partner is way taller, bigger and stronger than me. He grins up at me, letting me have my fun.

I kiss his nose. I kiss his forehead. I kiss each cheek. I kiss his chin dimple. Then I slide down his throat and I ravage his neck. I know he likes it. He moans and groans and I actually make him shiver.

As my erection presses into his thigh, I can feel his pressing into mine. We want each other -- there's no doubt. We will rip our clothes off and look at each other, touch each other and bring each other to physical ecstasies that we can't even imagine. But not today. We aren't just lusting for each other...we love each other. We're taking our time. We're doing this right.

My grip releases his wrists and I slide up to his hands where we lace our fingers together. I reintroduce my lips to his. Our tongues get reacquainted. I breath in his air and he breathes mine. I never want this to end.

~~

We're quiet on the drive to Donna's. Too quiet. We're not the same two people we were when we were last here on Friday. We get seated in the same booth.

My eyes widen as the realization punches me in the gut, "Oh my god." I bite my lower lip, "I'm an unforgivably shitty person. I've been so self-absorbed in my own emotions that I never stopped to consider what yesterday meant to you. You came out too. Wow. I'm seriously a fucking asshole."

He shakes his head, "Don't. You can't compare what you went through to me. Look, you were overcome with feelings and emotions. You almost had to come out. I got to decide to. I had the advantage of coming out to the most important person in my life after that person paved the way and made a safe space for me. You were the brave one. Brave and generous."

I reach out and give his hand a squeeze. Tyson Courtland is...not straight...and he likes me! It hasn't even really sunk in yet. It's kind of freaking me out. I ask, "Are there people in your life who you think might know? How will your friends and family react?"

"I could care less about what my friends think. There is only one friend whose opinion matters to me, only one friend I care to keep in my life after graduation. Again, I'm looking at him right now."

Julie brings my coffee and Tyson's juice, then leaves us again. "As for my family, six months ago Miranda came out. My parents were pretty chill about it. No major dramas or anything. This was before my dad was diagnosed. I know how this is going to sound but I think it will be harder for them to accept my coming out than it was with Miranda's. My mom will ultimately be fine, but my dad? I'm his only son. He's certainly not homophobic, but in his mind I'm his straight, basketball prodigy, NBA-bound son. I get to tell him that I'm...not that. And the thing is, I'm proud to be a queer artist who loves playing basketball. I know it's not fair of me to make assumptions about what his reaction might be -- I'll ultimately have to give him the opportunity to show me -- but because of what he's now going through, health wise, I have to decide what to tell him and when. Fair or not, it's a factor."

"Your situation is a lot more complicated than mine." Julie drops off our breakfast plates. "Your dad is still the same?"

"Yeah, his operation is Thursday. Nothing is expected to change before then."

I catch his eye, "Hey, I want to apologize."

"What for?" Tyson asks.

"Last night I said that the way I 'came out' was not how I imagined it would be. Like I was disappointed or whatever about how it happened. That wasn't fair of me. Thinking about it now, the sun was setting, I was surrounded by your beautiful artwork and I shared my feelings with the person I care most about. It was actually kind of perfect. I'll never forget it."

It must be opposite day because I make Tyson blush. He pays the bill, takes my hand and we head back out to the car.

He says, "I appreciate that you want to pay sometimes, but you need to save your money for when you leave for college. For the rest of this week, it's all on me. This is not up for debate."

~~

At lunch, I'm sitting next to Tyson and across from Danny. Layne has the dirt and informs us that Kevin Johnson has in fact been expelled and is banned from all remaining school activities.

Danny asks me. "Are you okay? You seem...not here."

I look at my best friend and I'm suddenly flooded with guilt. I know he's been crazy busy with the play, but am I just using that as a convenient excuse? Of all the possibilities, in every scenario I ever imagined, Danny was always the first person I told my secret to. I finally came out and it wasn't to Danny. It was supposed to be him, then Layne, then my brothers and my parents last. No matter how busy he was, if Danny knew that I needed to talk, he would have made the time for me. That's just who he is. I look away from him in shame.

Layne and Tyson are involved in their own little conversation. I almost whisper to Danny, "We need to talk. I need some time with you and Layne tomorrow. Just the three of us."

Danny nudges me, "If you need me sooner, text me. I'm here."

He's too nice and I feel even guiltier. "I know you are." I go back to eating my salad.

Layne says, "Jackson, how come you're not eying our pizzas longingly like you usually do?"

I say, "What are you talking about?"

She says, "You might not even realize you're doing it, but usually while you eat your pretentious salad, the whole time you're eye-fucking our pizzas."

Tyson snorts out a laugh, and I say, "This is so not true!" Do I really do that?

Tyson says, "Maybe it's because we had pizza for dinner last night."

There is a sarcastic gasp among my friends. Danny says, "Now I'm jealous. He'll eat junk food for you but not for me?"

I grin at him across the table. "You want me to eat junk food for you?" I snatch a handful of fries from his tray and shove them in my mouth. They're limp and greasy and not at all worth it, but I had to make my point.

"Hey! I didn't mean steal my food." We're all laughing now.

~~

Today, Tyson comes with me to dump the trash and return the trays. I say, "He's not here, remember?"

Tyson replies, "He's not the only hater, remember."

Good point.

~~

My solo performance is last on the program. Backstage, I take off my robe. My phone vibrates in my pocket and I sneak a peek. It's a text from Tyson. Actually, he sent a picture with just two words. It's the picture he took of me right after I shut him out in ping pong. The "happy/confident" photo. The two words are, "For inspiration". I smile at the memory and repocket my phone.

Mrs. Jensen finishes introducing me with some kind, flattering words that I only partly hear while I nervously wait. Why did I pick this song with such fast piano? I could have picked something slower, something simpler. But no. What if I stumble? I exhale. I've got this. I walk out onto the stage to enthusiastic applause. I intend to go straight to the piano, but my feet betray me and steer me to the microphone front and center. I look out into the crowd but it's hard to make out specifics with the spotlights shining in my face. I hadn't prepared a speech because I honestly had not planned on speaking. I surprised myself by stepping up to the microphone and now I have to say something.

I clear my throat, not anticipating that it would carry over the speakers. I can hear a couple chuckles from the audience. I stave off a blush and say, "Good evening. I'm a little nervous tonight, but hey, I didn't trip, the sound system isn't screeching feedback and, though I desperately want to check, I don't think my fly is down." They're actually laughing. I let out a quiet sigh of relief.

"Many of you know this week at Chandler is our school's first ever inclusion week. Inclusion week, to me, means embracing and honoring our differences, regardless of what those differences may be. Everyone counts, everyone is welcome and everyone is wanted. It's about diversity, respect and love. Inclusion week was conceived just five days ago. The song I'm performing tonight is about a relationship between two people that was at a crossroads, but I think it also applies to us as our own lives reach a crossroads of sorts. A great song transcends its time. A great song can mean different things to different people. To me, this song is about recognizing and celebrating both our differences as well as our similarities. Whether those differences involve race, class, religion, politics, sexual identity, gender identity or any other social issue that divides us, we are also all the same. As we prepare to leave the protected walls and halls of Chandler, try to find the similarities in those different from you and be kind to one another. I hope you enjoy the song: Summer, Highland Falls."

I perform the song.

As the outro fades, before I have a chance to stand up from the bench, the crowd erupts into a standing ovation. It's so roaring and thunderous that for a moment I think it's not for me. I almost turn around to see if a celebrity walked onto the stage. While performing, I'm in the zone and in my element. Now that I've finished, my awkwardness has returned. Do I stand? Do I take a bow? Do I wave? Do I just sit here until it dies down? I stand up and some of lights shift onto the audience. I can now see that many of them are wiping their eyes. I scurry off the stage before I end up embarrassing myself.

~~

The hall outside of the auditorium is packed. Kids I hardly know and some that I don't know at all are patting me on the back and congratulating me as I attempt to find my family in the crowd.

Troy jumps in my path from out of nowhere. His beaming smile is contagious and he grabs me in a hug. "You're freaking amazing." He releases me, "I think I should have you rewrite my valedictory speech."

I laugh, "No, but if you want accompaniment, I'm your guy." I know it's not easy for Troy to get back to the school on a weeknight. I thank him and squeeze him in one more hug.

After a few minutes with my family, I finally find my friends. Danny hugs me first and I can see that his eyes are red and damp. He nudges me with an elbow, "Jack with the jokes. Since when are you funny?"

I elbow him back, "I said something funny?"

They all laugh again.

"It wouldn't have mattered even if my fly was down. I wore black underwear to match my pants, just in case." More laughing and playful shoves.

Layne, releasing me from her clutches says, "That was brave, powerful and amazing."

My eyes are on Tyson when I say, "I received some last-minute inspiration."

Tyson is last in the reception line. He spreads his arms and takes me in. "I can't even tell you right now what I'm feeling, but just know, that was better than ping pong."

I laugh and say, "Let's bounce."

~~

We say goodnight to Danny and Layne outside of Baker's Square and Tyson drives me home. He says, "So I was thinking about tomorrow."

"Yes..."

"There's like twenty-four metric ass-loads of things I'd rather do than go to that fucking volleyball game. I know we're supposed to -- inclusion week and all -- but I think we could use a break. We deserve to have some real fun."

I wasn't exactly jonesing for the volleyball game myself. I ask, "What'd you have in mind?"

He smiles, "You know the Bulls play game four tomorrow night?"

"You want to stay home and watch the game?"

"No... I want to take you to the game."

"What! It's a playoff game! Can you get tickets?"

"I already have them. My dad's company has a luxury suite. He texted me this morning saying that I should go with a friend. There's no one else I'd rather go with. What do you say?"

"A luxury suite?"

"Have you been in a suite before? Or to a playoff game?"

"Just regular games in regular seats."

Tyson smiles, "Oh, you're in for a treat! We're not talking about the sky boxes up in the nosebleeds. This is a private suite below the upper deck and right at mid-court. The view is perfect. Televisions. Dinner is served. Dessert is served. Private bathrooms. The game almost doesn't matter."

We both laugh. I say, "I'm in!" I drop my eyes to my lap. "I hope you don't mind, but I need some alone time, a few hours, tomorrow afternoon with Danny and Layne. I feel like I owe them a serious conversation that I've put off for far too long."

Tyson nods in understanding.

"Is it okay with you if I tell them about us? If not, no worries. I can totally leave you out of it."

He takes in a breath, "Burns and Staley are cool. I trust you. All three of you."

Five days down and five to go.

~~

In the two years Danny has owned his car, I've never gone more than two consecutive days without being in it. It's now been five days. We're headed to FlatTop Grill.

I've spent much more time dreading this moment than actually planning for it. I haven't thought about what to say or how to say it. I find that I'm more nervous than I was last night standing in front of that microphone.

Danny reads the anxiety on my face from across our table as we peck at our bowls. "Hey, what's going on? You know you can tell us anything, right?"

Today I won't be opening with a joke. Here goes...everything. "I hadn't planned on telling you or anyone else this until sometime after graduation. Long after graduation, if I'm honest. But circumstances have changed." I can already feel tears welling up, but despite that, I meet their expectant eyes and hold their gaze. "You are two of the most important people in the world to me. I'm ashamed of myself for not telling you this long ago...years ago, really." I take in a broken, choppy breath. "I'm gay." I let that simple declaration hang in the air as one tear spills out of my left eye.

Of the two of them I've known Danny longer. He responds first -- nonverbally. He stands and opens his arms for a hug. Soon all three of us are in one big embrace. He asks, "Were you afraid to tell us? Did we ever say or do anything that... You know how much we love you, right?"

"No, you didn't, and yes, I do. That's why I'm ashamed. I should have confided in you."

We sit again and they've both inch their chairs around the table, closer to me. Flanking me. Protecting me.

"Neither of you seem particularly surprised."

"You picked good friends," Layne says. "We're not your typical Chandler stereotype."

Danny shrugs, "You're still you. Jack Pearson -- best friend extraordinaire. Your sexual identity is part of you, but it doesn't define you. You just needed to tell us in your own time. And now you have."

I did pick good friends. The best. And Danny's words just now make more tears streak down my cheeks.

Layne asks, "Is it okay to ask some questions?"

I sniff and dry my eyes with my napkin, "Yes."

"When did you first know?"

Danny jumps in, "Layne!" Then to me, "You don't have to-"

"Daniel, I am just asking as a friend. Jackson is an important part of my life. I want to know what he's been through so I can better support him."

I say, "I don't mind." I ponder the question. "When I was ten years old, I was at a two-week summer camp. In the evenings the boys' camp and the girls' camp would come together for after dinner activities. On one of the last nights a girl, Kaylyn, pulled me aside, took my hands in hers, told me she thought I was cute and before I could react, she kissed me on the lips. As much as it took me by surprise, I didn't feel anything except disappointment that Brandyn, the boy I'd been watching for two weeks, wasn't the one who thought I was cute and was holding my hands. I hadn't even realized that I was looking at Brandyn like that. That was my first inclination."