Key Cat 01

Key Cat 01

Hello, hello, hello there, I'm Key Cat and I'm really not comfortable describing myself to you. I mean, do I say that I'm just this tall or do I say that I'm just that short? Do I say that I dress on the weekends or do I say that I don't dress much during the week? Do I say that I do not have a boy's body or so I say that I have more softer features than most boys?

I mean, I don't know what you want to know, but if you want to stop by and a play a game of basketball (not with me of course, because I'm too short) and tell me what you want to know, well, I have the best basketball court in town. I think the previous owner meant to have a shed of sorts built on the concrete slab, but he didn't, so I have the best court in town and you're welcome to join the others who enjoy as well. Also, things are never the same around here twice in a row, so you may be bouncing the ball all by yourself, but stop by anyways, even if it's just to tell me what you want to know.

But one thing I will tell you is that the previous owner of my house and I have similar tastes. They might be weird tastes, but it suits me just fine. I own a fairly standard ranch rectangular box house, but with an attached covered car port on the west side. Not such a big deal, right? Well, enter stage left with the weird guard tower box built above the car port, add a spiral staircase and you have my bedroom and I couldn't be happier (even though it looks a little weird from street, it's not a guard tower!).

I also have a Nina. Everyone should have a Nina, but you can't borrow my Nina. Well, you could hire my Nina on the days she doesn't prepare food for me, but she's busy on Wednesday evenings and Saturday afternoons and that schedule is firm, so get your own Nina if that doesn't work for you.

Oh, shoot, snap, maybe my Nina is a bigger draw on Saturday afternoons than my basketball court! Well, either way, people visit me, so.

"Alright guys, listen up so I don't have to repeat myself. Nina has prepared a messy and gooey Nachos Bar for you this afternoon and she'll have it out here on the patio in about ten minutes and the key words are messy and gooey stays out on the patio and none of you want to violate that fast and firm rule or I will bring the fury!"

"(Giggle, Key Cat has the fury to bring?)"

"(LOL, Key Cat needs to look up the meaning of fury.)"

"(Ooh, Key Cat must have a fury of red undies.)"

LOL, like I don't hear their mumblings and side talk, right?

"However, because it's just not appropriate these days to just let a bunch of guys use their mitts to dig into the chips and the side toppings or even scoop out their melted cheese, Nina will plate each helping, which means if you want a bigger serving, than you might want to compliment her and tell her that her boobs are as all others should be compared too. Oh, also guys, the rumors that she is wearing my old servant costume are not true. She snatched it fresh from the packaging and there will be no grumblings about how I will never fill out the frilly undies like she does. And by the way guys, if any of you get even a spot of Nacho cheese on my uniform, then you will be subjected to the wicked fury that only Key Cat can bring and we all know that when the fury needs to be brought, well, I can bring it! Anyways, about ten minutes and enjoy."

"(Key Cat didn't wear those stretchy pants under his shorts.) Yes, Miss Daisy."

"(Brett, he's wearing those stretchy shorts under his shorts.) Yes, Miss Daisy."

"(I'd so much feel better if we call him a "her" sometimes.) Yes, Miss Daisy."

Here's the thing about the way Nina lays out her food spread, I don't know if she brings those pots and pans with her or if I own them and don't know it, but two of them plug in.

"Ahem, um, Key Cat, um."

"What's up, Brett?"

"So, can I use your private bathroom upstairs? I promise I won't dribble and all because of your firm belief in "all sparkling clean" and all, so."

"Oh, sure Brett, but don't hold it against me if I, you know, check on things later."

"I mean, I'll take before and after photos and all, so."

"And by the time we finished this, well, you better go before you go here and no photos required, Brett."

Well, I never thought of the "before and after" photo proof positive thing, but you learn something new every day, right? And it's not like I waited for him to finish and you know, run up my spiral staircase to check for dribble spots or other.

"Well, based on how clean your bathroom is, LOL, there's no question that my momma would have traded me for you, that's for sure, but thanks, Key Cat."

Shy bathroom guys, right? It's kind of cute actually, given Brett's jock build and all. And I had all the confidence in the world that he was careful up in my bedroom bathroom because nobody and I mean nobody wants to experience the wrath and fury that only Key Cat can and will bring, right? I mean, look at my guns, right? I mean, look at my guns from that novelty photo with the cardboard cutout of the body builder.

"So, how much do I owe you for using one of your little girly soaps, Key Cat?"

"LOL, I buy them by the box, Brett, but thanks for thinking of that. Anyways Brett, accidently brush up against me and go eat."

"Hey."

"Um?????"

"Well, you shouldn't be so damn, well, eat some nachos and get a fat ass then."

I mean, whew, right? I handed each of the guys their own roll of paper towels, so the mess should be containable, LOL, even though I whipped off a few "before" photos for my proof positive of the aftermath that Nacho Bars bring (like my fury). (And I don't have girly soaps in my bathroom. They are novelty soaps shaped like sea shells, that's all).

"(Hey, blog readers, hey, it's me, Dale, the joker of the crew and listen, we love Key Cat, I mean, we don't understand why Key Cat is like he is much, but we love him. But listen, listen, listen, I have him all figured out, so, listen and watch this.)

"Key Cat???"

"Yes, Dale?"

"Listen, yummy, yummy as usual with Nina's lunch and all, but listen, Key Cat, there's an auto race on TV right now, so what would you think of us having our second plates of messy and gooey Nachos in your living room while we watch the race? I mean, how would you see that going and all (tee, he)?"

"OMG, OMG, OMG, all I can see is a flowing river of melted cheese from the staircase to the kitchen and OMG, I see each of you in little nacho chip boats paddling through the river of melted cheese to have a chance to motor boat the server and SOB, your boat paddles are broken pieces of nacho chip and they are breaking into even more into smaller crumb pieces and the rocks on the side of the river are actually pieces of Nina's seasoned and cooked ground round and the chopped green peppers are the little pebbles that hurt the bottom of your feet and there is a Ninja Master perched on the spiral staircase throwing the sliced black olives at me like throwing stars and the river of melted cheese guys, the river of melted cheese I tell you! OMG, my knees are getting weak from the thought of a river of melted flowing through my living room. I mean, OMG, the humanity!"

"(See folks, LOL? High five, right?)"

"Alright buttheads, that's enough. Geez, you guys know that I have clean up the kitchen mess, right? And now I have to clean up this mess? I mean, the poor little guy is wheezing and is probably bleeding from the lip from fainting on the patio like that and look at the way his tiny little body is convulsing. And by the way pervs, stop gawking at the way his tiny little body is convulsing! He's your boy! (I mean, well, you know what I mean you perverts)."

"But Nina (SOB, that's a sex convulsion.)"

"But Nina (oh, oh, I picked a bad time to remain standing.)"

"But Nina (I want to say "she" needs my help, but nobody supports me.)"

"Buttheads! (Secret boyfriend) Brett, would you carry his "convulsing" ass upstairs, please? And take your shoes off! And it's OK if he wrinkles his own bed sheets and all, so."

I mean, all of a sudden, it felt like I was floating above my nightmare thoughts of a river of hot melted cheese in my living room. On a bouncing cloud?

"Momma! Momma, the guys were teasing me again! Momma! Momma, there is a flowing river of melted nacho cheese in my living room, momma!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Key Cat, I'm just carrying you up these (damn) spiral steps. You slipped on some spilled melted nacho cheese and hit your head and all, so."

"Brett? I'm dizzy, Brett."

"That's because of these damn spiral steps! And by the way, Key Cat, why don't you have a door with a lock at the bottom of these &@%##@ steps?"

"LOL, I do, Brett, it's a sliding door and it's in the wall."

"Well, I'm not going back down now and all, so."

"So, you want privacy with me, Brett? And when did you grow a third arm?"

"Well, I needed it carry you up these damn &@%##@ steps, but don't worry, I'm not trying to have sex with you (today)."

"You don't want to try anything with me, Brett? I mean, with the way you're bouncing me up the damn spiral steps and all, it feels like you want to try something with me."

"Well, I was talking to Nina last weekend during the slider festival and she asked me if I wanted to try something with you and then my pants answered her question and then she started to laugh as she told me that your idea of foreplay is to press and fold clothes before sex and then she told me that you never had sex, yet you practice foreplay a lot and then I asked her what about if I just rip off my clothes and then rip off your clothes and then she laughed some more because you would include sewing into your foreplay and then she slipped me a pair of your undies into my pocket and I probably shouldn't have said that part, so I'm just shutting it now. There and those wrinkles on your top blanket are all from you. Whew!"

Well, removing clothes and leaving a trail only happens in the movies and all, so.

"Well, I guess it's my lucky day then because the guys and Nina are already checking their clocks for how you have been gone and all, so thanks for carrying me up those gawd awful spiral steps and for not forcing anything else on me, Brett."

"What do you mean anything else, Key Cat? And I haven't been gone all that long anyways."

"Ahh, you stopped half way up the spiral staircase and humped the hell out of my butt and all, so."

"Well, I was dizzy from carrying you up the circle and what does it matter anyways, Key Cat?"

"LOL, I just wanted to hear you admit it, Brett. So, can I assume that we will hold off on making my throat or my butt a flowing river of white melted cheese then?"

"This isn't over, Key Cat. Ugh, I mean, uhm!"

"I didn't suspect that it was over, Brett. Anyways, you didn't find the sliding door for your privacy and I'd bet a lot right now that there are three heads listening just around the corner of the steps downstairs and all, so."

Oh, Brett left frustrated alright, but he left me with the knowledge of I had better put up or shut up and closed down the basketball court.

End Key Cat 01