Kiss My Ring

At work, I find myself looking at everybody with doubt and suspicion, added to the little sleep I had, making it a long tiresome day. One of the coppers I had spoken to the other day turns up at work near knocking off time wanting to speak to me. Thinking he wants to talk about my brakes, hoping they have discovered it was only some stupid prank I am pleased to see him. This changes when he reveals he needs to talk to me about a missing ring.

He tells me that the hospital had logged that the old woman wore a ring and was unaccounted for before was taken to the mortuary. Well I knew I had not stolen it and asked him what it looked like, he shocks me by describing the ring now firmly attached to my index finger.

I tell him about her last words and discovering the ring on my finger. He looks at it for some time, reviewing notes in a notebook, we both agree it appears to be the described ring except for a couple of details. His notes and therefore the official reports describe the missing ring was a snug fit, by one person and tight by another so there is no way a ring worn by the frail skinny woman could fit over my fat "sausage" fingers, neither do they mention anything about the eyes, which now seem to have taken on a reddish hue.

He asks me to let him take it, I tell him I would, if I could take it off. I show him, I even let him try to remove it, we try using hand cleanser as a lubricant to no effect. I think we come nearer to dislocating my finger than removing the ring, finally we go our separate ways, after of course, instructions not to leave town.

I get home half-hour late. She is waiting for me, dressed up as some Disney princess; don't ask me which one, I haven't got a clue other than knowing it's not Snow White. Dressed and ready to go out.

"Where the bloody hell have you been?" she demands as soon as I walk through the door.

Eloquently I ask, "huh?"

"It's Halloween, we're going out with M... the Hunts." She says emphatically, "Have you forgotten?"

As I said, I have not had the best day at work and then I have had to deal with the old Bill and now she is screeching at me like a fishwife over something as trivial as going out with her friends.

"No, I didn't bloody forget, I know this because you never bloody told me, and if you had I would have thought you meant after dinner not as soon as I bloody got home from bleeding work."

"Fine, I'll see you when you get there." She pouts.

"Fine, do you want to tell me where there is?" I snap back at her.

"You're bleeding useless, the White Horse, we are eating there." She shouts as she storms out.

Ah, at least I know not to expect any nookie tonight, I think as the slammed door echoes around the hallway.

I do not hurry to wash and change and forty-five minutes later, dressed in my normal t-shirt, leather jacket and jeans I am ambling down the road to the pub, not looking forward to spending the evening with Michael and Agnes Hunt. Then I smile thinking about how they hate being called Mike and Ag, for obvious reasons.

By road it is about a mile to a mile and a half to the Wide Whores pub, but there is a cut through that more than halves the journey if you are on foot, taking you down a dark tree lined track. It is there I find my newly acquired paranoia is faulty and I blunder into what, I at first assume is an attempted mugging.

I had been following someone almost since leaving the house and not gained any ground, however as I near the cut through, he must have slowed and about half way through I had almost caught up with him. Suddenly, he turns to face me as two others step out of the shadows. I brace myself for a pasting.

They do not speak, not even the tried and tested, "your money or your life," they just start hitting me and that's when it gets weird. I feel the blows, the punches and the kicks, I can even see that the two from the shadows wield some form of weapons. I feel them, but they do not hurt. The man I was following manages to get hold of me and one of the two with weapons gets himself in a position to hit me over the head, I see it coming but am unable to break free. It connects, I am sure it was intended to put my lights out and I swear it should have. I feel it make contact and stop. The man wielding whatever it was drops like a stone, as the other readies himself to swing his weapon. He pauses as his friend hits the deck and I manage to throw my first punch. I notice two red dots on his chin, guiding my fist like the laser sights on a rifle. I hit and feel his jaw shatter and he too drops like a stone, as I pull my fist back I notice the eyes on my ring are glowing red.

The man holding me shifts his grip and gets me in what I know from the telly is a chokehold. I get the impression he is doing it correctly and yet I have no trouble breathing and before I can think about it, he too joins his friends on the ground.

None the worse for wear, other than finding the experience disconcerting and in dire need for some fortification, I carry on to the pub.

As I approach, I can see her and her friends through the window, they do seem to be enjoying themselves. Mike is I think, Fat Flash and his good lady, Wobble Woman.

My paranoia seems to kick in at last and I decide I am going to slip in through the side door and see if I can stay out of sight for a while and watch them. I order a London Pride, a double Jameson's and two cheese cobs. I down the Jameson's while the barmaid pulls the pint and order another double, after paying I take my purchases outside to where I can watch her and friends through the windows.

I down my second whiskey and then set about demolishing the cobs, I am halfway through the second one when I see Richard Head, dressed in a dodgy aquaman costume walk up to, and into the pub. He is not looking very happy and I also now know who it was that I was following, and that gives me a good idea who the other two were, are, I don't know. The other two would have to be Isaac and Waddock, Mike's brothers. What happens next surprises me more than the attempted ambush. My loving wife jumps up and rushes to him, no, not just to him, she runs over and embraces him pulling him down and covering his face with kisses. It also seems I can reduce the number of suspects for fiddling with my brakes down to three, or five if you want to add conspirators.

Dick is talking and pointing in the direction of the cut, instinctively my gaze moves in that direction and I can see blue flashing lights showing through the tree branches. I burst out laughing, I may not have a clue about what or why this is happening, but by christ it's funny.

I drain my pint and go back into the pub, I want to know what the fuckwits have to say when I ask them why has little Dicky got his paws on my missus. I resolve to say nothing about the failed fuckery and just wait to see how, or if they say anything about it.

Ag is the first to see me and I don't think she could have looked more shocked if she had suddenly shit in her knickers.

I'm too far away to hear her, but can see she's saying to Mike, Dick and the missus, but a shilling to a pound, she is warning them of my approach.

Little Dicky scurries off before I even get near them, my missus and the two Hunts just stand there looking guilty. My missus is the first to get her shit together and she starts with, "about time you got here, we've been waiting for you."

In return, I ask them what Dick Head wanted.

"None of your business, Mike snarls."

I know what I said about not saying anything, but I cannot stop myself, "I was just wondering, there is an ambulance the other side of the cut, seeing little Dicky here without either of his girlfriends, I thought one or both of them may have tripped and, oh, I don't know, sprained one of the already limp wrists.

"My brothers ain't queers." Mike snarls again.

Keeping my voice low and with a smile I say, "That's not what the graffiti on the Dog and Gun bog wall says, in fact, it also mentions you and Ag as the cheapest cocksuckers in town."

"why you fuckin... aargh" he shouts rushing at me and throwing a punch. As with Dick and the two brothers, I feel the contact, but without the force. He hits me over my left eye, coincidently his left eyebrow splits at exactly the moment he makes contact. I restrain myself and do not fight back. I do however glance at my ring, as I am expecting the eyes are glowing red and I finally understand what, if not how the ring is protection.

He makes the mistake of throwing another punch, it connects with my chin and as with his brothers, he too drops like a stone.

Ag Hunt starts screaming at me, I look at her with a smile, hoping she too will attempt to do me harm.

I have been aware we have had an audience since I walked up to them. Only a few people at first, but now everybody in the pub is gawping at us.

I turn to the wife and say, "I didn't pick up my wallet, get me a Pride," expecting her to start shouting at me. To my surprise, she picks up her purse without a word and walks to the bar add another surprise to that, they served her.

When she returns Ag is trying to get Mike to come round by patting his cheek. Unceremoniously I pour what I assume is his beer over him and with a few coughs and splutters, hey presto, he's awake, just in time to talk to the plods that have walked through the door.

Mike and his ball and chain virtually throw themselves at the plods, pointing at me as I slowly sip my beer and watch them as they lambaste the coppers with what I assume are accusations in my direction.

One of them finally disentangles himself from Mike and chalk up another surprise goes to speak to the landlord. They speak together for only a couple of minutes before the copper comes over to me and says, "Right, let's hear your side,"

I shrug and take a sip of my beer. "Dunno mate, I informed him about some disrespectful graffiti I had seen on the toilet wall in the Dog and Duck, then he seemed to try and hit me a couple of times without actually hitting me and he falls to the ground out for the count."

"What did you hit him with?"

"Umm, what? I did not hit him."

"That's not what him and his wife say."

"If you can find anyone that can honestly tell you I hit him in any way I'll eat your helmet, the one on your head I mean."

He chuckles, that's about what John the landlord says, but I'm going to ask a few of these other people so don't slope off until I say you can go."

He moves off and I notice that his colleague is already talking to others, I turn to the missus and ask, "Well, what have you got to say?"

She looks at me, wide eyed and shaking her head she runs away in the direction of the toilets. I make my way to the bar unsure whether I will be served.

Without being asked, John pours two shots of Jamesons, appears to think for a second and puts a third in it, he plonks it down in front of me and starts pulling me a pint.

"I dunno what you did there, but it was impressive, what is that Kung Fu, I swear I never saw you move. Uhh, I only told the copper that I never saw you throw a punch."

"What else could you have said? I wouldn't want you to lie for me." I reply pulling out the wallet I told the wife I didn't have.

"That's alright, those were on me, whatever that move was, it was a pleasure to not see it and not see it hit that shitbag."

It seems John is a better judge of character than I had given him credit for, I slip my wallet back in my jeans when someone offers what turns out to be the first of many offerings to buy me a drink and or compliment me on my skills at whatever martial arts they can think. Many also praise me for my choice of sparring partner.

After a while one of the cops comes and asks me about what happened down the cut, I tell him that I came across two bodies on the floor and was about to call for an ambulance when I saw one coming up the road. I didn't want to be involved or delay meeting up with my devoted wife so I left sure that they would be looked after by professionals. While I am telling him this, the wife sidles up to me, puts her arm through mine and lays her head on my shoulder, just as the copper walks away I feel something is missing and I check for and find my wallet where it should be.

The feeling stays with me as I stumble home a little while later aided by my loving wife. I get angry listening to her apologise and trying to mitigate her adultery, something I had not, until then been sure of. It seems she too now believes I am some sort of Kung Fu master. Hell the only thing I am a master of, is baiting. When we get home, she shocks me.

As soon as the front door closes she is on her knees unzipping me and before I can slur, "I doubt there's any point," she has me at the back of her throat. I am thinking, you've got no chance, but, despite, four, eight, twelve, thirteen, fuck knows how many measures of Jameson's I have poured down my gullet, plus three pints, my willy begins to wake up.

My anger dissipates as I try to get over the shock that for the first time in forever, she has her mouth open and is not bitching at me. My hands move to caress her head and she seems to take this as encouragement. This last time I did that, she stopped and moaned at me for messing up her hair.

The clock on the mantelpiece begins striking midnight to the accompaniment of me saying Ughhheeer as she swallows vigorously. I add, Ah, Ah, Ah a few times because she keeps sucking and swallowing but soon her, me and the clock are silent. I look down at her and her eyes meet mine. For a second, I see a flash of green in her eyes and she stands.

As quickly as it had gone, my anger begins to return as I realise she has only done that to placate me. I am about to say something, but she speaks first, and she says something that I would never have expected to hear in a million years.

"You can let her continue wearing the ring and I guarantee this body will never again betray you. You will have the kind of wife you want and should have. Or... you can of course take your chances with the one that has betrayed you, the one that has plotted your death. If you want the risk all you need to do is take Hedammu from her..."

Hedammu, I know that name, where from? Ishtar, Hedammu was the snake that loved her. I look at her and mouth the name Ishtar.

She gives me a nod I know confirms her identity and still she continues looking at me. I am struggling to find an answer. I know I should choose my wife, but she is a, no... THE Goddess. She then says, "Thank you for your visits, I enjoyed listening to you tell me about your life, I really would love to experience the rest of it with you."

Clasping my hands in hers, she lifts them up and I see the ring. The snake, not holding its tail in its mouth, not on my index finger, but crawling in and out of our now entwined fingers.

As the implications of those words are sinking in she says, "We are in a moment between the seconds, the clock is yet to strike the twelfth chime. You have the time to choose, but it is a choice you must make."

So, which do I choose? The traitorous wife, or the Goddess for which sex is her requirement for worship?

Decisions, decisions.

Choosing Ishtar would be the same as killing my wife.

Decisions,

If I choose the wife I might end up being murdered.

Decisions

I might still be murdered, will Ishtar protect me?

Decisions

Time is meaningless here; perhaps I can stay here for eternity.

Decisions

Decisions, decisions...