Know Thyself Ch. 06

I kiss her again and she gives up on her questioning. When we let go, I stand up.

"I'll be back."

"Okay Arnold," she teases.

I go to the door and turn around. I do my best Schwarzenegger. "Hasta la vista, Alana."

"You are so lame!" She yells at me as I close the door.

I get on the elevator and make my way out of the building. When I get outside, I take my phone out and text Matt.

"Are you free? We need to talk."

Immediately I see the three dots pop up and then his text. "sure where r u"

"School. Are you at home?"

"yeah"

"Can I come over?"

"sure :)"

"On my way."

I need to tell Matt. I can't keep doing this without being honest with him.

What I'm saying is, I'm going to break up with Matt.

Yes, that is what I'm saying. I feel horrible because I know I'm going to break his heart, but it's much better than lying to him anymore. The truth is, I really like Alana. You can call me bi, you can call me a lesbian, it doesn't matter. I want to be with Alana and I need to be honest with Matt.

I'm an adult. It's time I started acting like one.

**********************************************************

Getting to Matt's apartment doesn't take very long from the dorms. For one thing, they're both on the east side. Though it didn't take very long, it was enough time to make me lose my reserve.

Should I break up with him?

It's just the nerves talking. No matter what, I need to tell him the truth about Alana. I'm not wavering on that, just the whole breaking up thing. I've never been good with confrontation and a change of body has done nothing to alleviate me of that.

This is probably for the best. I wanted to start college so I could start this life fresh. Alana is someone new. Someone whose history begins with me, not the original Ashley. Matt is nice, but he's part of the old life, the one that existed before me. It was a mistake to start anything with him.

We haven't even had sex yet!

That still counts for something, right? We didn't "consecrate" the relationship. (God, I sound like I'm trying appease two warring families)

Good pep talk!

Not really. I still don't know what I'm going to say.

Matt buzzes me into his building and I start walking up the steps to his floor. Each step makes me more nervous. I've never broken up with someone before, but then again I've been dealing with a lot of "firsts" in my life lately and this pales in comparison. I get to his floor but he's already at the door waiting for me. In the doorframe, he leans out and gives me a kiss on the lips.

"Well hello, miss." He sounds so happy. Why does he have to be so nice?

"Hey mister. I take it your mom's not home?"

He chuckles. "No, she isn't. Why do you assume that?"

"You never kiss me when she's here."

"Yes I do." I can hear the defensiveness in his voice.

"No you don't and you know it." I try to make it sound as playful as possible.

He walks to the living room and falls on the couch. I follow him in and sit next to him. His arm goes around my shoulder and with his other hand he grabs the remote and turns the TV on.

"Wait. Can we talk? Without the TV on?"

Well there's my card, I played it.

"I thought something was wrong. You never text me out of the blue like that," he says.

I look down at my feet as if they're going to tell me what to say.

"What's wrong?" He asks, more urgency in his voice now.

"I need to tell you something but I don't know how you're going to take it."

I finally look up at him and see a new look on his face. One I haven't seen before. It's not anger, it's not sadness, it pensiveness.

I try to keep moving forward. "There's something I never told you because I wasn't sure how I even felt. I just came to this realization and I know you deserve to know."

The look on his face changes. Now it's confusion. He must've thought I was going to tell him I was cheating.

Well I was, I mean am.

But now he might think it's something different.

"I don't really know how to say it." I tell him as if there's something he can say to make it easier.

"Just say it plainly." His voice is even, controlled. How is he so good at controlling his emotions? I never noticed that about him.

"I'm attracted to girls." I blurt it out and let it sit in the air for a moment. His expression doesn't change.

"Only?" He asks the question and I make a face to let him know I don't understand. "Like you're only into girls? Or like, boys too?"

"I...I don't know." He doesn't realize there's more, I'm sure. He must think that's all of it. "I mean, yes boys and girls. I'm attracted to both. I just realized recently that I'm attracted to both."

He nods. "Okay. That's..." He searches for a word. "That's cool. There's nothing wrong with that." He pauses and then chuckles. "Jesus, you scared me." He leans in and kisses me. "That's not anything bad."

"There's more." I say the words and they sound like an anvil thudding to the ground.

His expression changes immediately and he leans back slightly.

"Okay," he says.

"I've been hooking up with this girl I met at school."

Silence. Dead and agonizing silence.

I continue. "At first it was just a drunken hook up that I didn't know was going to happen. I thought it was just a one time thing, but it turns out it's not. I've...been seeing her at school."

I wait to see if he'll say anything. He doesn't.

"I kinda...no, I do..." I fumble over my words and stop, then look him in the eye. "I like her."

"Are you two together?" He asks me.

"Like, is she my girlfriend?"

He nods.

"I don't know. We haven't talked about it."

"You mean like we did?" It's his first shot at me. He doesn't say it with any animosity but he doesn't have to. I get the point.

I shake my head.

"Did you two have sex?"

I shake my head again. I don't think you would count what we did as sex.

"Do you like her more than me?" He asks the question and it hangs there. I realize when it's too late that hesitation is the same as saying yes. He turns his body to face the TV and leans back on the couch.

I stay where I am, not knowing where to go next.

"I like you, Matt."

He flicks his hand at me.

"I do!" I protest.

"Not enough to not cheat," he says and I can hear the anger.

"Well it wasn't..." I trail off, not knowing if I should say it.

"It wasn't what?"

I just blurt it out. "With a guy."

The look he gives me is complete disgust and I don't blame him. It sounded just as ridiculous to me.

"It doesn't matter," he says, his anger starting to rise.

We both sit there for a moment. I can't take the silence anymore.

"What do we do?" I ask.

"Are you serious?" He sounds almost shocked.

I nod.

"You go enjoy your life with your fucking girlfriend." I've never heard him talk like this before. His voice is a mixture of anger and sadness.

"Go!" He says and he points to the door. "What are you still doing here?"

"I wanted to tell you!"

"So you told me, now go."

"Can't we still be..." I don't even know what I still want us to be, just something.

"What? Friends? Lovers? Fuck buddies? There is no more 'we'. You ended 'we' when you cheated on me." His arm is still pointing to the door.

"I'm sorry," I say fighting through the urge to let the tears that are building inside me out.

He doesn't say anything and just stares forward.

I stand up and start walking to the door. I stop before I make it out and turn back to him.

"Matt, I'm sorry." It sounds more like pleading than it does an apology.

He doesn't say anything, he just stares forward. I wish he would say "fuck you" or yell or anything. Staying silent hurts more than anything else.

It's always silence that hurts most.

I can tell there's nothing more I can do. I walk out, closing the door behind me.

I'm sorry Matt. I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I'm sorry for hurting you. But more than anything, I'm sorry because I know how it feels to be in your shoes and for the first time in my life, I'm the one who caused it.

**********************************************************

I text Alana that I'm on my way back. She texts back that she's still in the dorms, and I'm glad. I could really use her right now. I feel awful but I keep reminding myself why I did it. I don't have to hold back with Alana anymore. I don't have to feel guilty for being attracted to her.

I still feel guilty though.

But now it will wear off. I did a horrible thing to Matt but something that needed to be done. You can't control who you like. If that were the case I never would've ended up with a boy in the first place. As Ben, I never had any sexual desire towards men. It's not my choice who I like. I was just being honest with him.

But I do have a choice as to who I sleep with and who I don't.

This is true. I didn't have to hook up with Alana all those times. But that doesn't matter now. I get to the dorms on Ninety-Second Street and text her that I'm downstairs. She comes down and signs me in and we take the elevator up to her floor.

"So what was that all about?" She asks me.

"All what?"

"You like bolted out of here and now after an hour and a half you're back. What were you doing?"

The elevator stops on her floor and we start walking to her suite.

"I had to take care of something."

"Take care of what?"

She's looking oddly at me and I can tell she's not trying to make small talk. I want to tell her but just not out here.

"I'll tell you all about it in your room." I smile at her.

She shrugs. "Okay."

We walk into her suite and the common room is empty. I follow her into her room and she closes the door. I take a seat on her bed. She comes over and wraps her arms around me and we exchange a few kisses.

"So, spill the beans. Are you Batgirl and you saw the Batsignal or something?"

I chuckle and look her in the eye, my hand caressing hers. "I really like you, Alana."

She smiles. "I really like you too."

"I've never been this open with someone before."

"What do you mean?" She asks.

"I don't know how long you've been out, but I'm..." I shrug. "I'm not really."

I stop and look at her. She nods.

"It's not like I'm trying to hide it," I continue. "It's just that, this is kinda new to me."

"It's okay," she says. "I know it can be hard. I kinda lucked out. I've always known I was a lesbian. I never really had to 'come out'. My parents just kind of knew and when I started bringing girlfriends home, it was confirmed. We've never had a talk about it before. I mean, we talk about it, we've just never had A talk about it."

I nod. "Yeah, that's not the case with me. I've only ever kissed one girl before you."

"So what did you do? Run home and tell your parents you're a lesbian?" He chuckles as she says it.

I chuckle too but shake my head. "No. I was kind of seeing this guy when I met you and I realized that I wasn't attracted to him anymore. It's like meeting you has cleared my mind so much. You've opened up this new side of me and I decided I was going to be honest with him. I wanted to tell him before we moved forward at all. So I went to his place and told him. He asked me who I like more and I had to be honest with him. I told him it was you. I like you. I really like you."

I stare into her eyes but suddenly I realize something is different. She takes her hand away from mine and sits back.

"You had a boyfriend this whole time?" She asks me and suddenly I can't read her expressions at all.

I nod. "Yeah, I did. We had just started dating, so it wasn't really serious. But we were together."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I...I don't know." I really don't. Why didn't I ever tell her? For some strange reason I felt like I didn't need to. "I didn't know how I felt about you until now. It was all so new to me."

"Honesty was new to you?"

Oh no! What's happening here?

"I'm sorry," I say. "I don't know why I didn't say anything about him. Everything seemed so perfect between us. I guess I just didn't want to ruin it."

"Ashley, I don't care if you're into both boys and girls, but I do care that you're honest. You were cheating on someone this whole time?!" She almost yells the last part out, as if the idea disgusts her.

"This thing between us has happened so fast, I didn't know how to respond."

"Oh please!" She stands up and turns her back to me.

"Alana, please. I really like you. Please don't be mad."

"If you'll cheat on him, how do I know you won't cheat on me?"

"That's not fair!" Now I'm raising my voice.

"How is it not fair?!"

"It's not like I found some random person and started hooking up behind his back. I didn't even know I was into girls before you made a move on me!"

"'I made a move'?! Yeah right! You came into my bedroom and sat on my bed. Don't even try to pretend like you had no idea where that was going!"

"I didn't!"

"Don't treat me like I'm an idiot!"

"I don-"

She cuts me off before I can finish. "I'm a pretty open minded person, but the one thing I don't put up with is cheating. You should've told me you had a boyfriend the moment I kissed you. If you did, I would've stopped then."

"But I didn't want you to!"

"And there it is!" She points as she stands over me like some scolding parent. "You didn't want to. You wanted to use me to cheat on your boyfriend. Being honest is not about doing what you want, it's about doing what's right."

I don't know what else to say. The whole thing has taken me completely off guard. I had no idea this would go anyway like this. Once again I feel the pain of silence, until she breaks it.

"I think you should leave." She says with her head down, gesturing towards the door.

"But, Alana." I say as the tears start coming out. There's no holding them back now. "Please. I'm sorry."

She shakes her head but doesn't look at me. Her message is clear. It's time for me to leave.

"I don't want to go." The words bubble out of me as the tears begin to soak my face.

Her voice is low and clear. "Maybe you should stop thinking only about what you want."

What can I say to that? There's nothing. The only option I'm left with is to leave. How did this happen? I start to walk towards the door. As I pass her, I stop and try to take her hand but she sharply pulls it away. I have nothing left. I walk out of her room and she closes the door behind me. Luckily the common room is still empty. I wipe the tears away as I leave the suite and make my way downstairs.

Outside on the street, I stand there looking up at the floor I know is hers. Why didn't I tell her I had a boyfriend? That was so stupid!

My phone beeps. I frantically take it out of my pocket, the back of my mind hoping it's a text from her. It isn't, but the name on the screen shocks me.

It's Wendy.

After everything that's happened, I completely forgot I texted her earlier.

"Miss you too! School is going well. Boston is cold already!" This is followed by a snowman emoji. "You should come up and visit. You can stay with me in my dorm."

She's inviting me to stay with her! Maybe it's the sudden feeling of loneliness but I need to see her. She actually responded to me. Maybe all isn't lost with her.

"How about this weekend?" I text back.

"Really?!" She responds.

"Yeah. I don't have class tomorrow, so I have a three day weekend. Can I come up tomorrow?"

"Yes! OMG Yes!"

"Okay. I'll text you when I get home and buy my train ticket."

"Yay!!"

I'm going to see Wendy tomorrow!

It sounds like she's not mad at me anymore.This is my second chance.

Maybe that's why everything went to shit today. Preparing me to see the person I'm really in love with.

Tomorrow I'm going to see Wendy.

**********************************************************

I board the Amtrak train at Penn Station and find my seat, making sure to take the window. The seat next to me is open for now, but I'm one of the first people on the train, so who knows.

Last night I had an interesting exchange with my parents when I told them I'm taking the train to Boston for the weekend.

"What are you crazy? No you're not," is what my mom said to me.

"What about school?" This was my dad's response.

"I don't have school on Friday, dad."

"But don't you have any studying to do this weekend? When I was in college I studied every weekend."

First of all, I find that highly unlikely. No one studies every weekend. Secondly, I studied most weekends in college too, which is why I don't need to spend any studying now. I wish I could explain to him why expecting someone who double majored in math and economics to spend the weekend studying algebra is ridiculous.

I wonder if I'll ever tell anyone about what's happening to me?

It's weird how the biggest thing to ever happen in my life is the one thing I can't share.

Anyway, I eased my parents' concerns but basically told them I'm going to Boston no matter what they say. I almost forgot I had to run it by them. Spending so long living on your own terms makes you forget the way things used to be. They were shocked I didn't even think to run it by them. I guess they have a point. Either way, I bought my ticket last night and here I am on the train now. Jack did his usual thing of telling me to get phone numbers for him and my usual response of no.

Oddly enough, this will be my first trip to Boston, and I won't even really be in Boston. Apparently the school is in someplace called Chestnut Hill. I have to take the Amtrak to Boston and then get on a light rail to the campus. It doesn't seem all that daunting to me, having grown up in New York. It's like going to Queens, it takes a long time and you have to transfer trains at some point.

The train starts to move and the last couple of people shuffle past me to their seats. No one is sitting next to me! Sweet! I'm the second to last stop, a place in Boston called Back Bay. Luckily I got one of the Acela trains which are supposed to be faster, so it's not nearly as long as the regular one. The whole ride should take about three and a half hours. I set the alarm on my phone for three hours from now. I can get some major sleep on this ride. When Wendy and I texted last night when I got home, she told me she actually does have a Friday class and it doesn't end until five in the evening. I should get to her dorm by seven. It's two o'clock now, so I've bought myself a midday nap. It's too bad I'm only eighteen, otherwise I would've bought some alcohol shooters for the ride. I tuck my bag under my head and wedge it between me and the window. I see the last bits on Penn Station drift away as I close my eyes and drift off to sleep.

**********************************************************

I feel tapping. Tip tap tap. Tippety tappety tap. That's funny. Why would a giant cat be tapping me on the shoulder. Shoo cat! Don't disrupt someone while they fly a go-cart through the Lincoln Tunnel. That's just rude!

I open my eyes and glance to my right. A man with a thick lumberjack-looking beard is sitting next to me tapping me on the shoulder. He gives me one of those smiles that lets you know he's doing anything but smiling.

"Your phone," he says.

I suddenly hear the alarm going off and dive into my pocket for it.

"It's been going off for fifteen minutes."

"I'm sorry," I say to the man.

I turn the alarm off and feel a sense of panic.

"Have we gotten to Back Bay yet?" I say to man with a sense of panic.