Lament Ch. 02

"A teenager? You fucked a teenager?"

She again had that mortified look upon her face, and she blushed deeply, shamed as she was.

"No. I didn't fuck him. Though, Mattias knows I was about to."

I couldn't believe it. What the fuck was wrong with us? "Why? Who was it? When did it happen?"

I could tell that Cheryl didn't want to speak about it, but in my state, both physically and mentally, I think she felt that it might be cathartic to talk about it, and eventually she caved.

"It was Amir, the neighbour's son. I think he was about nineteen at the time, this was maybe three years ago, at a small party that was being held by some other neighbours. He was back from university for a break, he'd grown so much. I don't know how it happened, or why really, I've thought about it a lot since then. But he was so good looking, so charming, so seductive." She had a wistful look on her face now, not a joyous one, but mournful. As one might remember a near tragedy, or a painful lesson.

"He was a swimmer, and he had a great body, he was always parading around with his shirt off. Not big like Mattias, but ripped, chiselled, more defined. I don't know why I did it, but I ended up with him in our basement. We were talking about who knows what, and then the next thing I knew we were kissing passionately, and before long I found myself on my knees sucking on him."

To say I was shocked at her words was an understatement. I never had even an inkling that there had been trouble in her marriage, at least not like this.

"Mattias had come looking for me and found me. We were both naked by the time. Another minute or two, and Amir would have been inside me. But Mattias caught us, oh... it was, it was rough. I could tell he was broken-hearted. But I didn't realise how enraged he was. Not at the time, I was too caught up in what I was doing. Before we knew what was happening, he had Amir by the throat. With one hand, Nikki. Just one hand, he had grabbed Amir, and pushed him up against the wall and away from me. I thought he was going to kill him. I'm sure Amir thought the same. He couldn't breath, and he was trying to get Mattias off him, he was punching and kicking him, but it didn't do any good. For all the strength and the muscles that Amir had, they were nothing compared to Mattias."

She looked downcast now. "I'm not proud of what I did next, I never will make it up to my husband. But I hit him. I hit Mattias, a good man." She looked up with worry on her face, as though she feared I would take her words in a way they were not meant to be taken. "But I did it to stop him hurting Amir, not because I wanted Amir over him, I didn't want Amir dead. I didn't want my husband to go to gaol because of me. Because I was a bitch and a slut.

"Mattias let him go, I think out of shock, and turned on me. But he could never strike a woman, that's not the man I know and love. He just cried, and then left. He left me for three weeks. Eventually, I convinced him to come back. I guess he got tired of me nagging him," she suppressed a laugh, "but he came back, but not before we came up with a whole lot of legal and personal arrangements."

I didn't know what to say. I mumbled something, but no comprehensible words managed to come out.

"Now you know my eternal shame. Mattias still doesn't trust me fully, and I don't expect he ever will. I don't think it's fair for me to expect he ever will either. This wasn't a long, blown out seduction, I'd had a few to drink, but my inhibitions weren't that low. No, this was a sudden life altering decision that I made, and I made it with no thoughts as to what it might do or cost. I made it because I could, and I wanted to. If I could do that, what might I do when faced with it again, or with a more skilled casanova? Our marriage at times feels like it is hanging by a thread. But we do talk about it. We talk about our problems constantly, even when we have arguments.

"The big problem I have right now, is what is going on in your life, is affecting mine. This has stirred up a lot of emotions for Mattias again. He is re-visiting a lot of previous decisions, and he is questioning a lot of my choices."

"Yes, I am."

We both looked up, to see Mattias leaning against the doorway into my room. His large frame seemed diminished, shrunken and his face bore a sadness and a look of distrust.

"I've never cheated on Cheryl, even when I've had the chance. I never would. It's not who I am. But then, I didn't think it was who she was either. Every day, I question whether I did the right thing taking her back, and every day, I weigh up the pros and cons of my choices.

"You just don't get it," he moved towards his wife and grabbed her in a hug, holding her to his muscular frame. "Neither of you get what it's like to find out that you weren't enough. Because once that happens, you know you'll never be enough again."

He looked over at me whilst still holding his wife, who was now crying openly. "James held onto this pain for years. He should have confronted you, but if this one time thing with Brendan was really all that you've ever done, you should have told him then, you should have confessed. You kept it secret from him. He'll never believe you now. Why would he?"

He pushed Cheryl away from him, then moved to the other chair and collapsed into it.

"Even if it happened exactly as you said it did, he has had over two years, two very long years, to let this grow, it's become an ulcer. And all because you kept that secret. You can't spin this any way to make you look good, Nikki. You and Cheryl think that you'll find these two people and get James to listen, and he's going to magically just say 'oh, that's alright then'? It doesn't work like that."

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a cafeteria muffin wrapped in cellophane, and threw it towards Cheryl, before opening one for himself.

"He already thinks that you were too flirty with him, and that he wanted you. There is nothing that Brendan can say that will make James change his mind. And Amy will have no bearing either." He took a large bite of the muffin, before deciding that it wasn't to his liking, and wrapped it back up in the plastic and chucked it in the bin.

"James is bitter now, very bitter. More bitter than that raspberry muffin." He poked his tongue out in disgust. "The only thing I think that can be salvaged, is his relationship with Olive. But he looks at her as the physical embodiment of his pain."

"Anyway, apparently you're getting out of here tomorrow morning," he was a bit more cheerful now. "No more hospital food and creaky beds."

He held out his hand to his wife, who had the same reaction to her muffin that he had.

"Let's go and let Nikki rest. We'll also get something better to eat on the way home."

Cheryl hugged me tightly, and as she did so, I whispered softly to her "Don't lose him."

"I don't mean to."

Then they were gone, and I was alone again.

The days rolled into weeks, and nobody had heard from James. Not even his parents. It was like he had just disappeared. Reg and Brianna were not surprised, not when it came out how long James had known and had time to prepare. The sudden departure was just the final step in the separation, but they knew their son. He had planned for this for some time.

"Oh, he'll have a job somewhere doing something. Probably in a mine or something remote, where it will be hard to track him down. He built up a lot of contacts over the years, in a lot of different sectors." Reg was trying to put a positive spin on it, trying to help me not worry about James' welfare. "He always said that the mining and mineral sector was something that he had thought about. He'd been offered numerous positions out there when he was young, when he met you, but he knocked them back, because they're the kind of place you go when you're single, not when you want to get married and start a family."

Reg had worked for BHP in his younger days, and I'd heard his comments about those kinds of sites. "They're easy to get into, hard to get out of." You could get a job there, if you wanted, but that was because nobody really wanted them, and it was hard to move back and stay with the company, because cushy city corporate roles were wanted, especially by those with families, mining roles, not as much.

We had tried as many of his friends as we could, but none of them knew, or were speaking. A few turned up to sit with us, their wives coming to console me, his friends to talk about possible places he might go, or things he might do.

So far, the mines sounded like the most logical and likely.

I made pleas on facebook, via email, via text, via word of mouth, for anyone that might have heard anything.

But nothing. No responses other than well wishes offering condolences.

My pain was not diminishing, but it was shifting. I no longer cried all the time, though tears still did fall, especially when I lay awake at night, alone in bed. No, the pain was altering mostly from despair to acceptance. James was gone, and I wasn't going to see him again.

Two months after he had left, I finally tracked down Brendan and Amy. It had taken so long due to the long layup for recovery from my injuries. Brendan said he'd be happy to do a paternity test, as long as it didn't mean some kind of back-dated child support, but there wasn't much else that I gained from him, other than his recollection aligning with my memory. James he had said was asleep in the armchair in front of the TV, half way through removing his pants and shoes when it had happened. He'd been so drunk that he didn't wake up until midmorning the next day. We were next to him on the couch, and it was a terrible misunderstanding.

He apologised again before we ended our call.

The information from Amy though, was.... eye opening, distressing, concerning. I was left flabbergasted by what she told me.

"I wasn't the only one."

I was speaking to Olive and Cheryl. And I was trembling as I tried to speak.

"I wasn't the only one that he did it to."

"What are you talking about mum? Who did what to whom? Dad?"

"No, Brendan. Amy told me, she told me everything. He tried the drunk mistaken identity thing again, with different women. The fucking prick didn't even come up with a new schtick. He was never as drunk as he pretended to be and always was saying how sorry he was and how embarrassed he was about the whole thing, but it happened multiple times. She kicked him out after the third time."

"That's rape!"

Olive was incensed.

"He raped you mum, he raped those women. Dad has to come home, you didn't cheat you were raped."

I had been thinking a lot about this, about Mattias' words on my last evening at the hospital.

"I wish that was true."

"It is, you've got to call the police. You've got to report this."

"It doesn't matter Olive," I began.

"No, Olive is right," Cheryl stared at me. "Even if you don't get James back, you can't let this other guy win. He can't do that, he can't hide behind the alcohol. If what Amy said is true, there is precedent and intent. You can't let him get away with it."

"And if you track those other women down," implored Olive, "It will make the case stronger, and hit him harder.

"He raped you mum, you've got to do something, even if it is just to stand up for yourself. It also will probably help show Dad that there are extenuating circumstances. You can say that you didn't tell him because you were so ashamed."

"But that's another lie," I admonished her. "I'd be lying about what happened and my feelings at the time."

"It will be worth it, mum. It's a noble lie. Look, lots of rape victims go their whole lives without telling anyone. It's not uncommon, even if it is horrible. You can use that, because you can't let what this guy did to you continue to hurt both you and Dad. It's not fair, it's not right. The two most important people in my life don't deserve to be torn apart because of an asshole." She was passionate, more passionate than I had seen her since her father had left.

"And you have to tell everyone else." Olive was tapping away on her phone.

"What? No. I'm not telling the world about this," I screamed, reaching for Olive's phone. "It was so long ago too."

"Mum, firstly, there is no statute of limitations on rape, only on injury caused in the assault. Secondly, everyone thinks you're a slut, this will go someway to repair your reputation. And finally," Olive brought up her phone, it was on Facebook, her Aunt Becca's page to be precise.

"I don't think everyone is being totally truthful. I think some people out there, one in particular, knows where Dad is."

Becca was James' older sister by four years. Becca and I had never really gotten along, not that we disliked each other, we just didn't have anything in common, other than James. We had always spoken politely when at family functions, but we'd never gone out of our way to do so.

I looked at Olive's phone, but I didn't know what I was looking at.

"Aunt Becca's latest family photo, I noticed it last night. There's a like on it, from someone I don't know. And you know Aunt Becca, she doesn't like having a lot of Facebook friends, keeps it mostly to very close friends and family. Well, who the hell is Jake Jenkins?"

She tapped a few times, and a profile came up. Everything was set to private though. It didn't mean anything to me.

"So? It could be anyone."

"This is a hastily created profile. It's been set to private, but not everything has been. This account was only created two weeks ago."

It was worth a shot. I had been so depressed, so lonely without James.

I called Becca, it was late, and I knew she hated getting calls after 8pm, but I had to try. I had to know.

"Hello?"

She was wary. I'm sure she must have seen who the call was coming from.

"Becca...."

"Nikki, it's late, I've got to get up early tomorrow, what's this about?"

She was curt, bordering on rude.

"I need to know Becca, have you been in touch with James?"

She fired back straight away with the response I was expecting. "No, you know that."

"Who is Jake Jenkins?" I pleaded with her. "Please, if not for me, for Olive and for James. Please Becca, Olive thinks Jake is James. Is it? I miss him Becca, Olive misses him. Even if it is just to say sorry, and to know he is ok. Please."

She sighed, a long, drawn out and exaggerated sigh, that was full of melodrama.

"I don't know. Honestly, I don't know. I think it is, but I just don't know."

I was excited. Becca knew, I could tell. She was being as honest in this situation as I think she wanted to be, as she could be. She had been close to her brother, and always protective of him.

"I need to speak to him, even if it is just to say sorry. Please Becca, can you get a message to him? Can you tell him that...." I looked at my daughter, gripping her hand.

"Can you please tell him that Olive's bio father raped me, and I had been too ashamed to tell him." I lied, like Olive suggested, it felt wrong, but I had to try, I had to try something. Maybe she was right, this was a noble lie, a worthy lie. "I never knew that that was what got me pregnant, I never knew. I thought she was James'." I was bawling more than I had in a couple of weeks.

"Olive has convinced me to go forward with pressing charges. There are other women he did it to, there is a precedent. I'm going to be trying to contact them. Please Becca, I know he's your brother and you love him, but he's my husband, and Olive's dad, and we love him too. Please!"

Becca snorted. "Really, that's your story? How convenient."

She didn't believe me. I was speechless.

"You've gotten pregnant by another man, and of course, it's rape. Everything will magically be fixed, won't it?"

"No, Becca. It will never be fixed." I couldn't breathe, I was feeling hot flashes, a combination of my emotional pain, and the medication that I'd been placed on, as I was still suffering from occasional headaches associated with the concussion. "But you have to believe me. Please."

"If it's James, I'll pass it on. But I don't expect him to believe it anymore than I do."

The phone went dead.

"She doesn't believe it, she thinks it's too convenient in light of the current circumstances. Probably it is. What's the point?"

My head dropped into my hands.

"The point is justice, mum. For you, for dad, for me, for those other women. What would you want if it was me?"

So that's what I did the very next day. I collected the names of the other women from Amy, and then began to contact them. The discussions were hard, very hard, more than once I was yelled at, more than once I had had a tearful exchange. They had all thought that it was a drunken mistake as well, they thought they were the only one involved.

It took everything I had to convince them. We zoomed, we included Amy, who was the easiest one to convince, even though she wasn't a victim, she was the primary witness that could confirm all our stories. A month later, in full agreement, and with the blessing of Olive, I contacted the police.

The biggest surprise was that the day I contacted the police, I had a visitor, Becca, she'd made the two hour trip down the M1 from Newcastle to visit me.

She sat with me for a while, barely saying a word. It was unusual, and unnerving. She was married to a carpenter, Troy, and she had 3 young children, the youngest only twelve months old. She hated being away from any of them, for even a few hours, so for her to make this trip away from her family, and then to sit there with me quietly, perplexed me.

Eventually, I broke first. "Is everything ok, Becca? Have I been horribly disfigured?"

She furrowed her brow, as she looked at me. She was more handsome than pretty, but was slim, with an athlete's body. She'd lost all the baby fat from her youngest's birth pretty quickly, being a gym rat. If she and Troy were to be believed, she was back at her home gym only 3 weeks after the birth.

"James asked me to come."

I stared at her. I was completely taken aback by her admission.

"Jake, is him, isn't he? Do you know where he is?"

"Yes and no," she pulled out her phone and started pressing a few buttons on it. "I don't know where he is, but he sent me this, and asked me to get it and play it for you."

Soon, I heard James' voice. It was an audio recording. Oh how I had missed his voice. But I'd rather him be here with me, though this was at least a start.

"Hello Nikki." His voice wavered a little, it wasn't strong, but it wasn't condemning me. "I'm sorry for what I'm about to say to you, and sorry to hear of your accident. But this needs to be said."

He was quiet. I feared the worst. He was sorry for what he was about to say to me? I steeled myself for further pain.

"I'm sorry Nikki. I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I'm sorry for what I did. I was an arse." I wept tears of joy, did this mean that James was coming back to me?

"I am still an arse, but you were a lying bitch who kept secrets from me for almost our entire married life. I believe you, at least, in regards to Brendan. I have no way of knowing what else is true or a lie. I've spoken to Amy and Brendan in the last couple of weeks, and they have corroborated your story."

I was stunned, Amy hadn't mentioned anything about speaking to James, and that threw me.

"I should have been there for you and I wasn't. But you should have confided in me, and you didn't." His voice was raised, strained, and full of anger. "Amy and Brendan told me that you and they laughed about the situation after it happened, after Brendan confessed to her. But you never confessed to me. And even then, you laughed about it. You laughed at my expense. I don't care what circumstances led to that moment, but you lied and betrayed me."