Leave the Night On Pt. 05

"Someone like me?" Again, he confirms what I've been telling myself; that I feel this alone. My every insecurity regarding him is validated. Yet, for the first time in this drama of ours, I consider the possibility that we might have each other all wrong.

What Julian feels is guilt.

What I feel is betrayed.

This anger I can't shake wasn't born of the unrequitedness of my love. It wouldn't be fair of me to blame Julian for not loving me back. How could I fault him for a feeling he doesn't possess? None of us have that much agency over our emotions.

What hurts me most, however, is that while we were together, his every word, his very actions led me to believe that he was someone else. The man I had when we were alone is not even real. The man I thought him to be wouldn't have walked away the way he did. The man I thought he was wouldn't have allowed me to fall for him when he never intended to stay with me. I fell for someone he isn't. Knowing all this doesn't lessen my longing for the man in front of me. All it does is make me feel a fool.

"Your apologies aren't necessary, Julian," I lie, weakly. I want his apologies. I want his regret. I want reasons to forget and forgive. Except I won't. The fragility of my pride has always been my biggest fault. "You...you made me believe I was some disposable affair. You humiliated me. You made me doubt my worth and I can't forgive myself for allowing that idea to fester. It's my own damn fault."

In the wake of my softening, the mood changes. Julian's gaze lightens, filling up with tenderness. "Pearl..."

When he says my name that way, with that hint of affection, with that intimacy, all the fight leaves me, vanishing like steam. I open my mouth only to find I need to force down a lump before I can speak. "You don't get it, do you?"

His eyes brim with a tenderness that resembles pity too much for me to believe it. "I do get it," he says. "I get that I hurt you. I get that you're too good for me."

"I am too good to have been treated the way you treated me, but I get you." I shake my head and, for all my stubbornness, my cheeks start getting wet. "You say I don't understand your life, but I do. I get that Hannah must always be your priority, I really do. And I admire you so much for that. But couldn't you find a little space in your heart to consider my feelings in this situation as well? Did you stop to think about that? About how hard this is for me?"

"I lost my job, Julian. I could've tried to keep it, but I was too proud to disavow my feelings for you for the sake of my livelihood. I chose to have you in my life because you never indicated that you didn't want me in yours until I had the balls to tell you how I felt and you closed the door on me. You gave all that support only to disappear on me on the very same day I lost my job and a person I had always believed to be my friend. You forsook me the instant I was honest with you."

"You're right. My life is easy. I can do whatever I please. I'm the one with the moldable routine. That's why I would've been the one to adapt to your life. I would've had to learn how to be whatever Hannah needed. I would've had to win her over. I would've had to find a balance between friendship and parenting, because yes, she's seven, I would help you parent her. I would walk right into a life that's ready. I wouldn't have a choice there. I would take the package, the man and the child. I would have to bend and mold my life around yours. I would've done it willingly. Happily. Because I love you both. The way I see it, there is only one reason why we're here right now. And I don't blame you for it. So, you see? You can't apologize. You are not to blame. I am."

His eyebrows that I adore so much knit together again, rendering his expression tired and pained. "Your life shouldn't have to adapt to mine. I don't want this for you," he states, flatly.

"I know you don't. You've made it crystal clear." He doesn't want me in his life. Even with the knowledge, hearing him say it hurts enough to numb my senses.

After all that time we've had, I'm attuned to his body. I don't think he himself notices how he inches closer, how his arm is threatening to rise, to touch me. "I...I never wanted to hurt you, Pearl," he says and his voice has too much pity, too much guilt. "I didn't think I had this much power over you. I never believed someone like you could come to..." He trails off. Wordless again.

I let out a sarcastic sob. He can't even articulate his own excuses. "You didn't just hurt me. You broke my heart. And it's my fault that you did it."

"Then tell me how I can fix this, Pearl. Please," he pleads. "I'd do anything."

"It's not my place to fix your fuck ups."

"Pearl."

"That's enough, Julian," I say, tiredly. "Someone like me deserves better than this."

Resolute, with a strength I've always known I possess, I strip myself off of this resentment that's been weighing me down, and walk away from him.

***

I'M WELCOMED HOME by giggly chatter coming from the direction of the bathroom. Guided by Cami's shrieking cries and Lil's heartfelt laughter, I find the former sitting on the toilet lid and the latter soaking on the tub.

"Oh my God! What happened?!" I rush to the tub's side to better examine Lil. Whereas Cami looks perfect as ever, Lil has a bandage that's two inches long on her forehead.

"What happened to you, Lil?" I ask again, sinking to my knees.

"Did you bring us chocolate?" Cami asks in a disregarding lazy voice.

I diverge my eyes from Lil to glare daggers at her. "Camille."

Cami's sapphire eyes widen indignantly. "You went out for chocolate, Pearly. I was eagerly awaiting some chocolate."

My glare turns to murder intent. "Seriously?"

Cami shrugs, throwing Lil a smirk. "Lil's fine."

"True. I'm so, so fine," Lil says, beckoning my eyes to return to the bruise on the left corner of her forehead. "It's just a little thing."

"A little thing?" I'm appalled by their nonchalance. The skin around the bandage is a blueish purple, and there's a visible swell that's raised a lump big enough to be mistaken by a cherry. "What on earth happened, Liliane?"

Lil's face splits into an enormous dreamy grin. "I was working at the lab and I tripped."

I regard her with all the incredulity I can muster. "Is that a reason to smile like an idiot? Did you go to the hospital? Did they check your brain?"

"Oh, she went to the hospital." Cami clarifies, waggling her eyebrows.

"What is that tone of voice supposed to insinuate?" I glance from Cami to Lil as they exchange knowing smirks between themselves. A reluctant corner of my mouth quirks up. "What are you girls up to?"

"Lil has a date!" Cami shrieks, clapping her hands like an excited child. "And you will never ever guess who the guy is!"

"Not that weirdo delivery guy that brings in my Amazon packages?"

"Ew, Pearly."

I shrug. "He loves Lil."

"Try a little hotter."

My jaw almost hits the bathroom's tiled floor. "You didn't get a date at the hospital, did you, Lil?"

Lil's eyes are shining emeralds. "I did," she says with a sigh.

"Who?" I ask, joining them in their excitement.

Lil has been focused on her academic life ever since we met. Out of the three of us, she is the most romantic and the one who dates the least.

"Daniel," she sighs again.

I scrunch up my nose. "Am I supposed to know who that is?"

"Dr. Cohen!" Cami clarifies. "Hot Daddy number two!"

My astonishment widens my eyes to saucers; however, a fleeting panic causes the identical reaction in Cami for an entirely different reason. She's been back from France for days, but instead of giving me the lecture I was hoping for, she's been strangely subtle where the Julian situation is concerned. Now, for instance, she's regretting the accidental indirect mention of him, fearing she's just reminded me of his existence when I'm trying not to think of him.

Little does she know that it's too late for that now.

I give Cami a tiny smile so she knows I'm fine. "I'm shocked," I announce to both my friends. "Tell me everything, you two. Right now!"

My best friends in the world detail Lil's romantic adventure. I gulp down every word, every overshared detail, every sigh from Lil and animated laugh from Cami. While my best friend details the serendipitous accident that's led her to the emergency room while Dr. Cohen was attending, I ponder on the mysterious ways the universe throws people together. None of us could have guessed that, months later, the single Dad at my kids' Career Day would still be thinking of the red-haired beauty serving too sweet lemonade. Had anyone told me, five months ago, that I would fall in love with a man I had only intended to be a distraction a year before, I would've laughed in their faces.

In one thing Mel was right; Cami and Lil have always orbited around me. Every single time I have needed them, they were there for me, cocooning me in their supportive love. My dramas became their dramas. My problems were theirs. They are the best thing. That's why it is about time I stop being the beacon of drama in this loft.

***

JULIAN

THE AIR IS PERMEATED WITH NOSTALGIA. I can't remember the last time my house was this full. The group of guests is composed of some interesting and improbable pieces. My sister-in-law, Sun-Hi, is frying hotteok and impregnating the house with the smell of my father's favorite food. Henry is eating the doughnuts as fast as his wife can make them, to our mother's protests. The latter is pretending to be angry when, in truth, Henry's presence is the reason for Umma's rare smiles this evening. She is probably pestering him about grandchildren and giving her daughter-in-law unsolicited cooking advice.

The best sound of the night comes from Hannah. My daughter is giggling so hard, her little face has turned red. That's usually the effect Gareth has on her. Han adores Karen's boyfriend. While he tells her embellished stories, she is balancing herself on his knees. She's grown so much since the last time he was here; her feet almost touch the ground now. Gareth is a good guy. He makes Karen happy. My daughter likes him. As far as I'm concerned, those two attributes are enough to mark him as a decent man.

My ex-wife and her boyfriend are indisputably the strangest additions to tonight's gathering. Both Karen and my mother will try their best to avoid being in the same room together. Umma never tries to disguise her eternal dislike of Karen, and my ex has never overcome her shame over the way things ended. However, Henry has always been the glue, the one thing that can convince both women to endure each other's presence. My brother loves my ex-wife like a sister and the feeling has always been mutual.

I love to see all these people gathered under my roof. This specific night, though, there's an absence I feel keenly. The worst part is that I don't even dare name it. Saying the word, admitting it, would make me too big a hypocrite. Whenever I'm exposed to the new life my child's mother has created for herself, a poisonous envy twists me up inside. I wish Kay all the happiness in the world and yet, I wish the same for myself. Sometimes, I catch myself wishing I'd rebuilt my life as quickly and as efficiently as she has. Sometimes, I catch myself wishing for a woman under my roof. Someone my mother could pressure for grandchildren. Someone Hannah could laugh with. Someone I could come home to. Someone who's not just anyone.

Using the fireplace as an excuse, I poke the blazing embers and throw a log or two into the fire just to have a minute to reorganize my thoughts. I find a spot on the couch to slump into and stretch my legs in front of me. That's when I think of her again. This fire and this couch remind me of the early hours of the morning. Those hours she can't sleep through.

Fortunately, I don't get much time to dive into the pondering of my own mistakes because soon enough my brother interrupts my brooding.

He plops down next to me, the couch's springs squeaking in protest under his weight. We were made from the same exact mold. Henry, however, has dedicated more time to working out. He's grown larger. I've become grumpier. "Your antisocial attitude is being considered a rudeness," he says, lumps of half chewed hotteok swirling in his mouth.

"You're gross, man."

He smirks, teeth full of soft dough, and offers me a beer. "So, I was right," he says. "There is someone." When I don't deign to reply, he presses on. "Am I gonna have to ask?"

Accepting the offer of alcohol, I deviate my gaze back to the fire. "I know I can't stop you."

"Does Umma know?" he asks, and the implication in his question is as obvious as he intended it to be.

"I guess so," I say. "Pretty sure she suspects it."

Henry swallows with a loud gulp and washes his mouth with beer. "What's the story there?"

He won't let go of the bone. Henry was blessed with persistence and a twin who gives in to his nagging too easily. "The story is that I'm an idiot who fucked up."

"She seemed angry," he observes. "She's hot."

I glare at him. She's beautiful. She is hot. I don't even understand why his comment irks me. Maybe because I know what's underneath her attractive exterior. Because I know very well that her beauty isn't even her best attribute.

Henry shrugs with an exaggerated motion. "What? She was wearing yoga pants, man. Don't tell me that ass wasn't the first-"

"I'd stop right there if I were you."

"I'm married, not fucking blind."

"She's no Sun-Hi," I mutter, bitterly. It's unfair of me to resent my brother. If anything, I should be grateful he followed the desired path so I could digress from it and not feel like a complete fucking failure.

Henry can't be blamed for loving a woman Umma approves of. I can't feel guilty for wanting a woman she deems wrong. None of us can't help loving who we love.

"Dongsaeng."

The word is suffused by musicality in Henry's accent. He pronounces it right, in a way that makes the words belong to him. When I try, I hear the contradictions in my own foreign accent.

I turn to stare at my brother. The face we share is understanding on him. "What's her name?"

"Pearl," I breathe out her name with a wince. It sounds wrong, somehow. Incomplete. My Pearl. She isn't anymore though, is she? I gave her up.

My twin nods, frowning slightly. "You said you fucked up," he starts and, unprecedently, chooses his next words with care. "Would that have anything to do with Umma and the fact Pearl is...isn't a woman Umma would've chosen for you?"

"No." My response is a whiplash. "If I cared about Umma's criteria for a proper wife I'd never have married Kay in the first place."

"Then what? Did you cheat? Forgot her birthday? Let her dog die?"

"Jesus, Henry! No!"

"Okay! Easy there, bro! Don't bite my head off. I'm just trying to understand what you might've done to make a woman that angry."

"I told you. I fucked up," I say, losing my grip on my mood. "Couldn't you tell she would've preferred the sight of the devil over me by how pissed she was?"

The same eyes I see in the mirror narrow on Henry's face. "I could tell you were ready to drop to your knees in front of her."

I huff a chuckle. "She would've kicked me in the face."

"Is she why you've been such a sour pussy lately?"

"You mean sourpuss?"

He rolls his eyes. "You know what I mean."

I study the possibility of lying. I choose the simple truth. "Yeah. She's why."

Sun-Hi calls Henry's name with her soft, bell-chiming voice. We both crook our necks to see Hannah on her aunt's lap, both of them laughing. Henry smiles at them, but his smile soon wavers. "Listen, man. I've never told you this, but I kind of envy you," he confesses, twisting his neck to look at me.

My perplexed expression robs him of a tired chuckle. He runs a hand down his face. "I'm so fucking tired, man. Sun-Hi and I have been trying to have a baby for years and nothing. She's at her breaking point, you know? Umma won't leave it alone and her mother is even worse."

I rest a useless hand on my brother's back. Words of support escape me. I try to envision a life in which I'm not a father and the mere idea burrows a hole in my chest.

"It doesn't get any easier just because I did everything according to Umma's rules," he says. "If you care about Pearl, then go get her. Fix whatever fucked up shit you've done to her." He throws a glance over his shoulders, lingering on Hannah. "That little girl there is the only one whose opinion should matter to you. You've defied Umma once. Fucking do it again. Do whatever you need to be happy. Don't listen to her stick to your kind bullshit."

I look my brother in the eyes, feeling keenly the distance that separates us and wishing I could have him nearer. Sometimes I forget how it feels to have a brother, a friend this loyal.

I clasp the back of his neck and pull him in for a one arm hug. "Thanks, Henry."

"You're welcome, Dongsaeng," he says. "I'm the oldest. Of course, I'd be wiser."

He gives my back a little pat then rises to his feet. "Next time I'm here I want to meet this Pearl. From what I've seen of her temper, she can handle Umma."

I nod, smiling in agreement. "I bet she could." I'm not as sure she'll be in my life next time Henry happens to visit.

I watch my brother walk towards his wife and my daughter with a pang in my chest. Karen is making her way towards me and when they meet halfway, they stop to do their secret handshake thing.

Henry's spot on the couch is claimed by my ex-wife. As soon as she's seated, she sneezes right next to my ear. "Thanks for that," I say, inching away from the spray.

"Sorry," she sniffs, unceremoniously wiping a hand under her nose. "Damned dog hair is everywhere in this house. Don't you vacuum this place?"

"Didn't you take your histamine pills?"

"If I take anymore, I'll OD." She wiggles her ass, burying herself among cushions then elbows me in the ribs.

"Ouch."

"What's with you?"

Kay's prodding is all the incentive I need. If I can talk to anyone about Pearl, I can talk to my ex. If Henry didn't live a world away he'd likely be better qualified to listen to me. Kay, though, knows me in a different way. She's met Pearl, too. With her I can open up with ease. "I saw Pearl today," I say.

"What!?" Kay's eyes round like full moons. "And you didn't tell me? How was she?"

"Just...hurt. Beautiful, as always. And pissed. Really pissed."

"In her defense, if she hates your guts, you deserve it."

"I know, Kay. I know." I drag a hand my sorry face, accomplishing nothing to better my pitiful expression. "I'm a fucking idiot. Henry has already given me his insights."

"What a dangerous prospect."

"Can you believe he was actually pretty helpful?" I think back on what he said. While I'm here wallowing in my drama, my brother suffers for not having the family Hannah is to me.

My ex's elbow pokes me again. "Look Jules, you were a magnanimous piece of shit, but you're human. You're wallowing in shame. You deserve every inch of it."

"Wow. Thanks." She's right, though. I do.

"I know you're not used to being the one who fucks up." Her eyebrows rise emphatically. "Did you apologize at least?"

"I tried," I mumble, ashamed.

"Did she tell you to shove your apology up your ass?"

"Basically."

"That's why I like her."

My encounter with Pearl today was as intense as it was unexpected. For weeks, I've been self torturing, tuning over every moment we shared. Every word, every touch, every meaningful look. From the beginning, Pearl has been a woman who could overrun my defenses and get under my skin. A part of me has always known and feared the feelings she stirred in me. The power she wielded. I just never imagined I could do the same to her.