Let's Make a Deal Pt. 20- Epilogue 04

Scott sighed. "If you expect me to say I think it was OK, or thought so then, I have to disappoint you. It was wrong, pure and simple. And it's possible to want something so much that you go into denial and convince yourself that somehow it's OK, I've been guilty of that, but I can't claim that in this case. I went into this saying it was wrong. I even asked them, if I'm willing to break my promises to obey the Lord so lightly, can you trust anything I ever tell you?" Martha took Scott's hand and gave it a squeeze.

"So anything I say may sound like I'm trying to justify myself, but I don't mean it that way. I really should let Lynda answer for me. She asked me basically the same thing. But think of it like this. It's a little like, you come into the kitchen, and Mom's just baked cookies she's going to take to an event, so you know you shouldn't take one, but they smell so good you do anyway." Hannah laughed, because this had happened a couple of times, but she sobered again right away. He thought maybe she saw the point a little.

"So. I'll try to explain, but I don't mean it was OK, all right? Lynda, you can check this against what I told you and let me know if I miss anything. It really comes down to loneliness. It had been so many years since I'd had—um, not just sex, but the kind of human and emotional contact, intimacy, that should go along with it. And yes, the physical pleasure, too, but that wasn't really the big attraction. No one had given me that kind of affectionate kissing and hugging and even talking in so many years. Think about those cookies a moment, and imagine that on top of everything else you hadn't eaten anything at all for the past two or three days. You might say, Mom won't mind, she'll understand, or you might not try to justify it to yourself like that but go ahead anyway. Does that make sense? 'I know it's wrong, but I'm hungry enough that I don't care?'

"On top of that, I did try to keep it contained. I really, honestly thought that for both of these ladies this would be something distasteful, never mind why. And for Lynda it was, though that changed pretty quickly, as you just learned—and her distaste wasn't really for the reasons I'd expected. And I insisted on a fairly short time limit to the whole thing. I thought we were going to be able to avoid real romantic attachment. OK, there maybe I was in denial, but I don't think so, there really were reasons.

"And I really needed Martha back, doing her job. And I felt I couldn't afford to miss the chance. I did somehow hope against hope that having to have sex with me would be distasteful enough for her to give her motivation to keep her mind on her work. And distasteful enough for Lynda that she would lean hard on Martha about that.

"Earlier I said it really was loneliness, but I think probably my need to have Martha back on the job, for her sake and the company's, was even more of it. I should have found some way, but I couldn't think of one! I felt I couldn't trust her any more not to mess up.

"If that doesn't answer your question, I'm sorry. I had good reasons for doing it, but I knew that it was wrong and that I shouldn't let myself be swayed by those reasons. I'm ashamed that I fell. I knew better."

Both girls were looking ready to ask more, but Hannah got in first. "But Dad, OK, most of that makes sense, but why did you think Mom and Aunt Lynda wouldn't enjoy it? What was supposed to be so bad about that, for them? That's crazy! I mean, I don't think of you that way, you're my father after all, you're way old now besides, but you're not bad looking! And you really are all the things Aunt Lynda was saying, considerate, patient, tenderhearted. You're leaving something out!"

Lynda laughed. "Your dad has been doing what he always does, confessing to more than his share of the blame, but trying to protect other people from any blame at all. Scott, if we're telling them all the rest, they need to hear that. But I think Martha better be the one to tell it."

Martha looked at Scott. He said, "I hate to bring it in, but I think she's right. I've told it before, but she's probably right about its being better coming from you this time. And Martha, all your reasons for telling them the rest apply to this, given that we have told them the rest.

"But first, girls, there was one reason Lynda did really find the prospect distasteful, and you already know about it. I didn't know, or I would never have agreed no matter what. And she hadn't expected it to matter so much. But I told you earlier, because of her history, when the prospect was at hand of being kissed for real and touched, never mind actual sex, it made her really tense and unhappy.

"Martha, your turn."

Martha said, "Lynda wants me to tell it because it goes back earlier, but the flat answer to what you asked is that your dad knew—guessed, anyway, but accurately—that Lynda and I were lovers at the time we've been telling you about." Both of the girls looked shocked, maybe a little disgusted. "And yes, that was wrong, too. But he figured that we had no interest in men, which was maybe almost right, well, sort of, and that our relationship would prevent us from having feelings for him or anyone else, which was just plain wrong, but how could he have known? But if you're going to know that much, you need to know how that came about.

"Growing up, I certainly was interested in boys, not girls, that way. I was probably a little late developing, or I don't know what, but in high school, I got asked out sometimes, and kissed thoroughly and my breasts groped some—or squeezed, anyway—and I liked it and responded some too. But I wasn't inclined to let it go further, not with any of the boys in question, and when they didn't ask me out after I shut them down, I realized it wasn't really me they were after. I didn't seem to come up with any boys who wanted to be friends. If one had been a really good friend, who liked to be with me and talk with me and just do stuff, well, it probably would have turned to making out eventually, and he'd have gotten a lot further than anyone actually did, if he'd wanted.

"In college, I went out with a few who were the same, who just wanted to go back to the dorm and make out after the movie or whatever, but there were guys who were just plain friendly, and some of them did ask me out. And a couple of them did kiss me goodnight, one even with a little groping too. All through clothes, I'll add. I think these guys were all just asking out anyone who attracted them at all, looking for things to click, and I just didn't make the cut. A couple I still talked with, interesting conversations, when our paths crossed. Nice enough guys.

"But anyway, after college I was busy with a job, and somehow didn't fall in with any men with mutual interests. A very few dates, again really with the ones who were just looking for sex, using dinner or a movie as a vehicle. So really, all my friends that I did stuff with were women, and I was kind of in a rut. A couple of times a week, maybe, I would just get together with someone, hanging out a little but maybe a play or concert or museum. Or shopping or window shopping, if you can believe that of me. Just doing stuff together. So I wasn't really aware of being lonely.

"Eventually, one other woman kind of became my main friend. Our interests and personalities just clicked, and we enjoyed each other's company. Her schedule was a little crazy, but we'd at least get together for coffee or something pretty often. So once, she asked me some questions about my love life, being able to see easily enough that I didn't really have one then. And I could see the same about her. I told her a little of what I've been telling you. And she asked whether I'd ever tried kissing a woman. She could see that I wasn't really all that interested in men, though I hadn't figured that out myself then. I was kind of put off by this, I guess, but I did really like her. And she made it plain that she wasn't, well, making anything a condition for her being my friend or anything, she only was offering herself for that if I were interested. So we went back to her place and kissed a little. At that point, it felt really forced and awkward to me, so we gave it up.

"But maybe a week or so later, I'd thought about it, and I asked her if we could try it again. I had realized that if she had been a man, I probably would have been eager, you see. Eager for everything, not just a few kisses. So she made love to me, and it was—I know now—pretty good but without great heights of passion. And I eventually made love to her, too. We kept up, close friends with occasional sex, until she was transferred away. And we still keep in touch. That works because the sex was kind of incidental to a deep friendship—and also because your dad is understanding and generous and knows very well that she would never be a threat to my relationship with him."

During this, Scott could saw Hannah's eyes suddenly go wide as she realized who this woman must be. She looked intently at Nancy, and after a moment she also showed a stunned recognition. He caught Hannah's eye and shook his head, hoping it came through as "don't interrupt" not as "you're wrong."

"Anyway, afterward, well, I suddenly had insight into the fact that a few of my other friends were lesbians, too. Or maybe they were a tad more upfront, having seen me with the woman I've been telling you about. So there were a few, a very few, relationships after that, lasting up to maybe a year or so each. None were as deep as that first one, not at all. But what I need to tell you about is the last one.

"This woman was a lot more aggressive and pushy, and I eventually realized that for her it was like some of those young guys, it was all about her wants and her pleasure. She enjoyed making me do things I didn't like, and I eventually realized that was what she enjoyed about it. There was much to like in her, but in the end I was really coming to hate her, and I finally just told her to get lost. That was all pretty painful for me.

"And I'm going to interrupt myself to say one thing more, which that brings out. I'd been talking with your dad and Aunt Lynda about this woman, contrasting her with him. And he came back to me saying that he was glad I felt that way, but that he really wasn't that different. Something in him, he said, enjoyed making me submit to him in that kind of way. He hated it and tried not to give in to it. And I lectured him for a while—you'd have thought I was Aunt Lynda if you'd heard!—because whatever he might want or feel inside, he was nothing, not at all, not a tiny bit, like the woman I've described. She went out of her way to be abusive, mostly in small ways admittedly, for the pleasure of being in charge, things that couldn't give her any other pleasure at all. Your dad is nothing at all like that, not ever. Someday, you're going to be thinking about marrying a man—I hope!—and you need to be on the lookout for this kind of thing. I had to push your dad to tell me things he would like to do with me, and some he still wouldn't even tell me, and then a couple of times insist on him letting me do them, because I wanted to give him the pleasure involved. If you can find a man who is like that, who doesn't want to let things happen that he'd really like because they won't be good for you, grab him and hold tight. But if you see that a man likes to make you do things, even little things, just to prove you're really under his thumb, run the other way as fast as you can.

"Anyway, end of digression. That relationship pretty much killed any interest in romance and sex, for me, for a really long time. I was lonely, somehow all my other friends had dropped out of the picture. You understand, by this time I thought of love and sex as automatically involving women, for me. And then I got this new job, with a new boss. And when he started developing a job for me as his personal assistant, I started to really notice what he was like. Besides just really tall, I mean. He was so patient with me! He knew I didn't really know what I was doing, so when I made a mistake he took time out of whatever he was doing to go over it with me so I could learn. He was always a gentleman, and he always treated me with respect. Not just me, either, but everyone. And I found myself falling desperately in love with him. But he was a Christian, and it was obvious that he really meant it, that came out in lots of ways. I knew he wasn't open to a quick fling, or to sex at all outside marriage, and not to marriage with anyone but a Christian woman, so I just kept it to myself. But I felt like I was, well, about your age and gaga over some cute guy in my class. I'm sure you know a few horrible examples.

"Anyway, after that, someone I knew a little brought Lynda to me, hoping she could rent my spare room, even though she couldn't afford a reasonable rent. She had a part-time job in her home town, and Norma figured she could find one here, and that wasn't a problem. She was a mess, as anyone might expect when she'd been homeless a while, staying with friends for a week or a month at a time, not to mention what had happened earlier. I tried to get her straightened out, making her finish up high school. And then I brought her to Scott to apply for a job, asking him as a favor to me to give her more consideration than he might otherwise have. And she did well in it. And she started paying rent and otherwise helping with expenses. That did help me, but it was more important to her.

"But a little before that, I came on her crying. She was so messed up! There were a bunch of things, but on top of her own problems, she was worrying that she had somehow killed my love life, by being in my house and taking my time I guess, like I didn't have a boyfriend just because I thought I couldn't have him spend the night with her around or something. So I had to explain that I hadn't had any love life for a while anyway, and that if she was going to feel guilty she might as well make it be about something she was really responsible for. But it occurred to me that I ought to warn her, that some people out there were probably concluding that she was my lover because my love life, when I had one, had been women.

"So a few days later, she came and told me that she had realized that what she'd been feeling for me was that she was falling in love with me, and asking me to please show her what to do. I racked my brains trying to figure out how to say no without stomping on her feelings. You understand, I was tremendously fond of her, but like she was my daughter, the daughter I wanted but thought I'd never have. So I kind of gave her the third degree, trying to make sure she wasn't feeling she had to pay me back for taking her in and caring for her. In the end, though, I agreed, and over time I came to love her that way, too. But you see, I had realized earlier that I wasn't really a lesbian, deep down. I was sharing love with Lynda, but Scott was really the one I wanted.

"Scott, I just realized something! When she was insisting that you make love to her that very evening, even though you were sure it would be awful for her, that was really the same thing all over again!

"Anyway, Scott had understood that we were partners, and didn't know I was in love with him, so he figured that our presumed preference for women and our love for each other would protect us from real attraction to him, and in fact make sex with him, well, distasteful. And that's the long and short of it. He was wrong about both of us. I'd wound up with women basically as a consolation prize, because I hadn't been interested in just sex without some real loving relationship. And Lynda really did feel some distaste about sex with a man, but it was because of being hurt, not because she really wanted women instead."

They sat there on the floor of Hannah's room looking at the two girls. Eventually Nancy said, "Well, so that does all make sense, even if it's kind of a shock. I guess that makes sense of Mom falling in love with Uncle Scott, too, I mean why it was all such a big deal for her."

Another long minute or two passed. Scott said, "If you find yourself falling in love with a guy someday, in a way that's messing up your life—even if it's only that you can't concentrate on anything else!—I hope you'll talk to us, or one of Nancy's aunts or uncles, or someone else you can trust to give good advice. Not just practically good, but someone who cares about righteousness too.

"Both your moms have both heard me on this topic, ad nauseam, but this is a clear case of something like how Joseph wound up in Egypt. 'You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.' I knew I was doing wrong, and I'm ashamed of my behavior, more than you can imagine. But out of it both your moms were saved, and all three of us wound up in fruitful and generally righteous marriages, and I hope it won't give you swelled heads, but we've got plenty of reason to be proud of how our kids are shaping up. I spent plenty of time praying that God would somehow make what I was doing, what we were doing, come out to his glory, but I never expected anything like what happened. That's God's mercy, not something we were entitled to. And it doesn't justify what I did, either. Same as Joseph's brothers.

"But actually, I think I'm going to brag a little." Both moms looked surprised. Scott laughed. "What's the matter, ladies? You think I never do that? Admittedly, I mostly try not to, though. I have too much pride as it is, without enough reason for it. But this time my own character has been impugned, and even though Lynda defended me, I'm going to brag a little.

"Girls, we're going to leave part of this vague. I told you that my plan had been to postpone sex, actual intercourse, for a few days, and in fact to not demand serious kissing, and being fondled by me, until the session before that, planned for the third day. And Martha jumped herself ahead in all this that first night. Now, never mind what the program for the second night was. All you need to know is that it was designed to fit in with that, and to give me some sexual pleasure and release. It was selfish enough that I'm ashamed to have asked for it. In the end, both of your moms managed to enjoy it as well, but I was not at all expecting that.

"OK, I had finished a round with Martha. Um. You may not know that after a man ejaculates, it takes a while before he's really ready to be properly aroused and do it again. So anyway, I was sitting there with no clothes on, from that. Your mom, Nancy, went off and took a shower. And the reason for that was that she had been having her period but it had ended, and I'd asked her to take a bath or shower before I came in contact with her pubic area. Even though that wasn't scheduled until the next day, she took her shower then, because there was this little wait.

"So she came back in, wearing only a robe. I wasn't very far along yet in being ready. I asked her to come sit in my lap, thinking to kind of hurry it up a little. So she took off the robe and sat there with no clothes on.

"Well, after a minute she asked if we couldn't hurry this up. I gave her reasons that some things that might do that—her fondling me, basically—were off limits that night. I said something to this effect: what would likely speed things up would be for you to really kiss me, and for me to let my hands wander. I was holding that for tomorrow, I said, but if you kissed me I couldn't really not go along, without being really rude, could I?

"She thought for a minute, and then said that if I honestly meant that, she really preferred to wait. She hadn't expected it, but the thought of my really kissing and touching her like that made her feel really uncomfortable. Mind you, she didn't even suggest bailing out of the agreement for that reason! So that time, too, I sat there with her in my lap, no clothes on either of us, and didn't kiss her, and kept my hands completely to myself. Nancy, if you found the other time—the next day—hard to believe, how about that one? I don't mean it was easy! But you see, I really did mean that I wanted her to have time to back out if she felt she had to. I meant it, the next day she was going to have to either back out or respond to my kissing and fondling her, but I also meant that I wanted her to have time. It was hard for her! One moment she would recognize that this was something she'd freely offered, and she would mean to do what she'd promised, and the next moment she'd feel like I had somehow entrapped her, and she was a bundle of resentments and doubts. She had been hurt so badly!