Lexi Lue and Friends 01

Let me tell you about my two friends, Jake and Andy. They aren't exactly what you would call idiots, but they are clearly idiots. Both of them I tell you. Alright fine, Jake more so than Andy, but they are a matched set and roommates. Don't get me wrong, I still respect them as my friends and all, but what the hell Jake?

Before I go on, let me make it clear that I'm only dragging Andy through the mud because I'm sure he played the part of a cheerleader when Jake announced his idea. An idea that he probably thinks is the greatest thing since ice tea (yeah, we live in the south).

In what was most likely a beer induced thought process, Jake decided that he and Andy should have a small July holiday weekend party that included a small firework show. Now, that doesn't sound so bad, does it? Well, it gets better and then even better, for them.

My friends, knuckle heads Jake and Andy share an apartment so a party of substance is not feasible at their place. So, Jake asked me if he (and Andy) could have a party in my backyard. Oh no, that's not the worse part. Jake suggested that I host the party as my secret identity, Lexi Lue.

"So, let me get this straight. It's your party, but it's at my house and I'm supposed to wear a pleated skirt and a pair of exercise shorts underneath it? OMG, oh wait, don't tell me, I should wear the Teal THOT exercise shorts, right Jake? They're your favorites, right? Is that about it, guys?"

"Hey, take it easy Lexi Lue. Andy suggested, and this is all Andy's idea by the way, well, he suggested that you could wear your precious high tops too. You know, because that's about all you own. Right Andy?"

"Oh, hold it up. First of all, this party is all Jake's idea. Secondly, I may have suggested that in keeping with the theme of the holiday, you could wear a red one, a blue one and white laces on both. You know, because you have every color high top ever made."

"Oh, well, how could I refuse that? First of all, damn Andy, that's a cool idea. Secondly, you both must abide with my conditions."

I had to think quickly, but there had to be a few rules if my house was going to get trashed by a bunch of party goers. Besides, most of my neighbors have packed up and headed to the Atlantic coast for their own holiday weekend, so a party wouldn't be too disruptive to the neighborhood.

My first condition was that they prepare a safe spot in the sandy empty property lot behind my house as a launch area for the fireworks. I didn't need any garages being burned down, especially mine.

My second condition was that I controlled the invitee list and the social media announcements. I mean, it's my house and I wanted the most control as possible as to who was on my property.

My third condition was that Jake's sister, Kim, attend and act as the alcohol police. I don't need drunk people leaving my house behind the wheel without at least knowing about it and Kim has never been known to be a big party girl. Plus, I could trust her in my house.

My fourth condition was that they put in the work. I meant the backyard decorations, lights, tables, alcohol and food. I also suggested that a Luau theme would be appropriate and that a Tiki Hut and Tiki Lamps would look pretty cool. And by the way, since I'm the only one with a backyard, then I guess the Tiki stuff just stays here.

"And I reserve the right to come up with more conditions. So, what do you say guys?"

LOL, and like the idiots they are, they accepted. And what they didn't realize is that I have plenty of time to pick out a cool ass Tiki Hut from "Parties Be Us" and make a long list of stuff that is required to make a party successful.

I also had time to find a new skirt that would really highlight my tight exercise shorts. I mean everyone loves to hammer a THOT on Chang, but they're jacking off with their free hand, right?

Hey, I wasn't just sitting back and creating "To Do" lists. I mean, I had to pick up the phone and ask my lawn service, Jack & Jill's Home Care Service, to pull ahead my normally scheduled appointment from Sunday morning to Saturday morning. OMG, that was so hard, but then it was back to the "To Do" list for the guys and it started with Friday afternoon.

I had them take a couple of rakes into the field and make a safe launch area for the fireworks. I had Andy buy some metal buckets to use as launch pads and a bunch of large water bottles for safety. And to make sure everything was done properly I stood on my side of the short shadow box fence and gave them directions. I also reminded to never mind that I'm wearing beach shorts and a crop top, you guys just keep working that sand around. I mean, it's safety first, right?

After they finished a safe area for the fireworks, I had them start assembling the Tiki Hut kit right away. As they grunted, cussed and threw the instructions in the air, I walked around and speared the Tiki Lamps into the ground. OMG, it was so hard, so I needed a break and there was a chaise lounge.

"Eyes on the job guys, my legs look just like the last time you gawked at them. The Tiki Bar is looking good guys, but those mood light strings look cheap. I think I can do better at "We Be Parties" in the morning, so don't even bother stringing those up."

"We could use a beer, you know?"

"Oh, you're in luck. The "To Do" list allows for one beer, but you'll have to get it yourself. My hosting duties don't start until 7 pm tomorrow and OMG, it's so hard to get out of this chaise chair."

LOL, Jake didn't waste any time mumbling under his breath, throwing his screwdriver down and head into the house. I followed him as soon as Andy buried his head in page 354 of the Swedish instructions. He was in the bathroom when I entered the kitchen and OMG, it was so hard holding my bending over pose in the refrigerator waiting for him to come around the corner and catch me like this.

"Here Jake, I got your beers."

"Just like old times. You and me in a kitchen."

"Shut it, those days are gone, but it's nice to see that you still get hard for me. Now go before Andy comes looking for you. I'll order you guys a Pizza when the Tiki Hut is standing and I mean standing in one piece."

I suppose that Jake and I have a history of sorts meaning that after the first time he grabbed my buns, that became the normal. It's crazy how it started out as "feeling gay" and went to "what room will he grope me today" in such a short period of time. I always knew that finding my own fem identity was coming sooner or later, but being poked and groped all the time brought Lexi Lue out quicker. So, Jake and his funny little sneaky acts just got me here sooner and for that I even thank him. I mean, it's possible that without Jake trying to finger bang me, I might still own one pair of panties and nothing more. And since Jake never freaked out, it made it so much easier to step outside of the closet.

And now look me. I'm Lexi Lue and I'm wearing very revealing beach shorts in my backyard in front of two guys who have set fire to the Tiki Hut instructions. And keep looking at me while I get the guys one more beer because the Hut might just be about finished.

"Last beer before Pizza guys. By the way, why are there so many screws left over?"

"Ah, they always give you extra screws in case you lose one. Don't worry about it. Did you order a Pizza?"

"I did, so get inside and clean up. And wow, that was very generous of the manufacturer to give us that many extra screws."

LOL, the hut wasn't exactly right, but I had a solution. It was going to cost me, but it was a solution just the same. First, I hoped the wind didn't pick up tonight. Second, I sent a text to Jill from Jack & Jill's and requested Jack's Handyman services after he finishes the yard work tomorrow morning.

And even more LOL, Jill replied with an "OK" and OMG, she has a price list for everything and I mean everything. I selected the 45 minutes with shirt off and added that I would stand there and personally hand him each screw. I could just see the "Cha Ching's" that were ringing in Jill's head. And it might still be ringing when I requested additional assistance with stringing the new mood lights too.

But enough of increasing Jill's bank account because the Pizza would be here soon and that might be another issue all together. I think my normal delivery guy, Timmy, has the hots for me and has tried seven different ways to get me to respond to his flirty. If I didn't have company over tonight, I might suggest that he pick up a copy of "flirting for dummies" from the local bookstore. I mean, standing on my front porch and rubbing his crotch is not flirting. However, because I'm in a good mood tonight, I'll give him two minutes of gawking before I send him on his way.

"Sorry Timmy, but I have company tonight. Ahh, don't fret, I will order a salad after the weekend."

I don't know why I flirt with Timmy. He's small and his clothes are filthy, but he has such a cute little face. And why I agreed to make my next order after dark next time, I'm not sure, but I nodded in agreement.

I placed two slices of Pizza on two plates and took them into the living room where Jake and Andy were sitting. They should have been studying the "To Do" list, but I found them zapping monsters on my flat screen. So, I handed off the plates and told them that I would get them another beer. When I returned with four beers, two each for them, I sat between and started to recite the open tasks.

They pretended to listen closely while they ate with one hand and propped themselves up with their other hand by using my thighs. And because one good deed deserves another, I propped myself up by placing my hands on their boners. Mind you, everyone was fully dressed and all they got was a few quick movements. How they choose to finish themselves off later is their business. Unless they have something going on the side and they finish off each other, which is something I should know about. And by that, I mean, OMG, these two guys are doing each other in secret!

"Alright guys, there are still a few open tasks to do tomorrow like the alcohol and new mood lights, but you both worked hard enough for today, so we'll call it a day. Besides, your boners are throbbing and we all know it might be time for the two of you to go take care of those things."

Andy drove his own car, so he jumped up and left first, which was perfect because I had to know if there was something going on that I needed to, you know, post about. Before Jake made his way out of the front door, I spun him around to talk for a moment.

"Listen Jake, do you remember our incident at Joy's house a few weeks ago? When you tried to, well, you know."

"Hey, I apologized."

"I know, but if you honestly admit to me right now that you and Andy are going to jack each off tonight, I will let you kiss me in any way you want right here and now. I'll kiss back if you throw in a few details."

"Ah, that's gay. Sorry to disappoint you, but we keep it separate."

"Hmmm, are you sure? You can bang me with two fingers if the two of you are going to 69 each other when you get home."

"Oh, now you're killing me, but again, I'm sorry to disappoint, but I'll be keeping both of your offers in mind for future consideration. Good night."

Hah, he such a liar and I am so thankful for that because I think my mouth wrote a check my butt couldn't cash. Or in other words, I'll sleep easy tonight.

The first thing in the morning, after my coffee of course, I went to "Parties Be Us" and picked up several strings of mood lights. Two for the Tiki Hut, which was surprisingly still standing this morning and five for the front porch and the side entry to the back yard. I thought I might close down the front porch with strings of lights in crime scene tape fashion and make a lighted walkway to the rear entrance on the west side of the house.

Then I hurried back home so I was there when Jack & Jill showed up to cut the grass and clean the house. I just barely had time to get dressed as Lexi Lue when the loud sound of Jack's truck and trailer were in front of the house on the street.

Jack never says anything and Jill never shuts up, which is probably why they stayed married. You know, that opposite attraction thing. And while I finished off my morning Lexi Lue look, I gave Jill the standard answers to her 300 questions and 245 comments. Yes. Yup. Really? I agree. You don't say. The money is on the table. Etc.

However, Jill shocked me a little this time and OMG, am I glad I heard her this time.

"I suppose by know that you know I clean a lot and snoop a lot, right Lexi Lue?"

"I agree and you don't say?"

"Hah, I switched your party outfit that was hanging on the back of your closet door. If you wear those blue exercise shorts, well, that's called drunk party rape. Your Denim shorts and the dark blue shirt will be good enough for your party. And no, I didn't touch your high tops. Are you going to go stand in front of my hubby now and hand him those screws?"

"Well, they need to be inserted and he's the only one with a screwdriver."

"Hmmm. I'll be dusting and rummaging through your dresser drawers."

Hah, I'm paying for his screwdriver services, so I'm taking advantages of Jill's "perks" plan. And yes, I'm taking my second cup of coffee too. Oh, and I took the two strings of lights for the hut as well.

"Jack, is it better to screw it or to hammer it?"

LOL, still nothing from Jack.

"I wanted this string of lights along the perimeter of the roof and this string right above the bar. I think the light will reflect off of cleavage perfectly when the Geek girls lean over the bar. By the way, Jack, does Jill ever borrow your battery screwdriver?"

Awe, look at Jack being all faithful to his wife. That's so cute. It's so unlike anything other relationship in Middleton, but it's nice to see that some people can still be faithful. Faithful for sure, but hard just the same. But I need their home and yard care services, so I let it go and went back inside.

"Well, is he hard, Lexi Lue?"

"OMG, you two are impossible. Change the sheets when you're done. I'll be stringing lights on the side of the house. You're going to get pregnant at this rate, you know."

I better see a discount on my monthly bill, but never mind that right now. I think stringing the lights around the front porch will be easy, you know, just as soon as they leave, but my idea to create a light walkway may need a little more thought. But once again, I had a solution to my problem.

As soon as I figured they had enough time to finish their business, I took a seductive selfie with the lights strung all around my upper body and sent a group text to Jack and Jill and captioned it as "help". LOL, Jill replied with a price quote.

Still silent, Jack came out and listened to my lighted walkway idea and I showed him my problem. The problem was that using the house as a mounting source was easy, but there was no fence in this area between and Mrs. Danner's house. And just like that, Jack went to his trailer and got a hand full of garden stakes and made a way to the attach the string of lights. Huh, Jack is a handy guy to have around.

About the time Jack and Jill were ready to leave, Jake and Andy showed up with two tables, a bunch of coolers, a truck bed of ice and so much beer and wine. And I mean, a lot more than would be required for a party of 16 to 20 people. However, I just directed traffic and let the party goods flow in.

After a few hours of hustle and bustle, I had just enough time to shower, shave and get dressed for the party. Which I did, but I noticed that Jill changed her mind, or should I say, changed my mind, again.

She replaced the blue shirt with a white shirt that is a little sheer and a note that said to tuck it in and pull it tight. I also noticed my matching animal print bra and thong hanging on the hook. The note went on to say that I should go into the laundry room and follow the next set of instructions. When I went into the laundry room, I found one of my large kitchen knives and one of my new tennis balls. The note said to "carefully cut me in half and pull the bra straps as tight as possible" which seemed weird to me, but what the hey, I'll try it.

Frist of all, the tennis ball was not easy to cut in half, but I managed and still had all of my fingers left. And who knew, when I inserted them into the bra cups, they sort of worked. I mean, I had to adjust the bra strap to the "cut off circulation and air"setting, but they I was, with perky little cups. And a few minutes later, there I was, in a tightly tucked in sheer white shirt that clearly identified my bra as animal print. And there I was, looking in the mirror and liking the "kind of slutty" look, for tonight anyways.

And there they were, thirsty nerds who wanted to get this party started, so away I went. Lexi Lue, hostess supreme.

The first thing I did was to greet the initial guests and smile at Nancy because she has never let on that her boobs were that big before and I had Andy take his position behind the bar in the Tiki Hut. And because Jake was going to be the fireworks master for the evening, I had him light the Tiki Lamps. Then I asked the geeks with Nancy if they would mind helping Jake with the fireworks a little later. Not to be helpful to Jake, but to make sure Nancy mingled around alone. Everybody needed to see Nancy this way.

As darkness approached, more people started to show up and the party was well under way. I made my host rounds and flirted with everyone and noticed that my outfit was well received. LOL, even my little round tennis ball boobs seemed to get their share of attention. Or maybe it was the animal print bra because I think guys really like that look.

However, my hostess rounds eventually led me to Kim, my beer police woman and Jake's sister. And she was on point with her job because I'm pretty sure she was using the notepad on her phone to keep track of every single beer being consumed. But she had a surprise for me, too.

"Listen Lexi Lue, I'm not mad, but I think Scott is trying to make a move on me."

"And that's a bad thing because?"

"Well, and don't judge me, but I was planning on accidently passing out in your bed tonight and I was going to be topless."

"Hmmm, go have a little fun with Scott and we'll see what happens. Just remember, when the fireworks exploded, anyone on their knees in the backyard by the fence will be illuminated and I mean fully illuminated."

"So, we're saying we're cool with both then?"

Now I had to talk to Scott, so I grabbed a beer and went towards the group that he was hanging out with. I figured that I could drop a hint to Scott and then ask Todd to escort me around the house and to the firework launch area so I could check in on Jake. You know, to make sure his feet aren't on fire.

"Here Scott, I brought you a beer and I'm dropping a hint that Kim has her eye on you. And Todd, could you escort me to the empty field please to check on the fireworks? I don't want to walk out there alone."

I walked them both towards the corner of the house where I pushed Scott aside, right near where Kim was hanging out on the deck. Then I led Todd to the sidewalk and pointed to the corner where we could into the field without climbing any fences.

"We can stop here Todd. Nobody can see us from this corner fence line. Listen, Jake is fine out there with Billy and Derek. I really wanted to talk to you about what happened a few weeks ago. I know you were watching what Jake was doing to me at Joy's house and I wanted you to know that I wasn't exactly participating with his little game. I know I wasn't fighting him off, but it's important that you noticed that I was leaning over the kitchen and I was perfectly still. You can think what you want about Jake, but I don't want you to think poorly of me. So, now you say something?"