Life Less Lived Ch. 01

It was only when she smiled that her true beauty was revealed. In a group of acquaintances, such as her workmates or customers in the shop, she was happy to smile frequently if she was amused but would modestly dip her head slightly as she did so, or lift a hand to obscure her partially parted lips. This had the effect of masking the full effect of her infectious sparkling eyes and the upturned corners of her full lips, with even white teeth between. She was even more reserved in mixed company and her natural tinkling laugh would be modestly muted to a barely audible level.

Whenever she was alone, or surrounded by strangers, she felt anonymous, drab, invisible and unnoticed by all who chanced to look in her direction. Why would anyone want to look in her direction anyway, she thought? It seemed to her that the rest of humanity hardly registered her existence and she felt somehow safer all the while she was unnoticed. Marina wanted and had created for herself an uncomplicated existence. It was one in which she felt safe and secure.

Within herself though, quite frankly, she felt a general disappointment with the way her own life had panned out; especially at this time of year as the Christmas and New Year holidays were approaching. The occasion reminded her that, next birthday, she would be 50 and the world, she thought, had definitely passed her by, leaving her in life's wake with barely a backwards glance.

Currently there was no man in her life, in fact there never had been one, ever. She had survived this long without that she felt she had never really needed one. But having no family of her own, no children of her own; that left a huge hole that she knew could never, would never be filled.

There were times though,, when she was surrounded by family, in company with her younger brothers and sisters and - particularly - their beautiful children, her nieces and nephews, only then did she feel herself become alive. From their vantage point, Aunt Marina was the loveliest, most generous and unprepossessing person that they knew.

Perhaps to some degree her siblings rather took her for granted. Without parents or other close older relatives, Marina had become mother and father to them all from a young age, when she was still a child herself and had to grow up fast. There was always a sense of permanent reliability about her. She was ever readily available for sensible advice, comfort and reassurance, whether as a babysitter or a shoulder to cry on. All her siblings had become well-formed and independent adults, who were able to step into the world full of confidence in their own abilities and equipped to make informed choices of the opportunities available to them. All had achieved successful careers and marriages or partnerships and, while they appreciated the role their dear Big Sis had played during their upbringing, they felt in some way that it was partly her own fault that she had not made more of her opportunities.

But then none of them knew the whole story about their sister. Nobody in the whole wide world knew what had happened to her, what exactlyshaped her particular outlook on the world, so how could they possibly be aware of what lay behind her lifestyle choices?

Only in their deep subconsciouses would her brothers and sisters discover an understanding that they had only been able to achieve their choices because Marina had allowed absolutely nothing for herself. Her family had always come first, every time, all the time. Her life was lived less full by herself because she ensured that they were able to live their lives absolutely to the full. It was a sacrifice made out of love and she wouldn't have wanted to change that. Marina didn't lack abilities, but in the absence of choices her full potential was largely unrealised.

While being taken for granted and generally ignored by her brothers and sisters, Marina's nieces and nephews absolutely worshiped her. Aunt Marina was their favourite of all their aunts and uncles. In turn she adored each and every one of them and, when relaxed and comfortable in their company, she opened up and truly revealed her smile, her self-imposed mask of grey anonymity completely evaporated and she glowed like an apparition of perfection, revealing the true angel that she really was. But, naturally, none of this occurred to her as she accepted her recent redundancy from her career and aware that she would soon be free of caring for her niece, Tracey Baker.

Other than her recently imposed unemployment, another contributing factor to this present veil of melancholy which enveloped her could be laid at the door of her niece Tracey, who was lodging with her while attending university.

Tracey had only a couple of days earlier announced to her Aunt that she was pregnant, premiering Marina's entrance into the sobering domain of the Great Aunt, although this thought alone wasn't the cause of Marina's agony. Nor was the fact that the boyfriend responsible was Darren, a pretty useless individual who was unlikely to be of much help for the baby's future, and appeared to be already out of the picture at the very first hurdle of parenthood. Tracey had decided that she didn't want a termination and was resigned to move back with her mother, or if unwelcome back home, she would be forced to impose on Marina's reliable hospitality. On the other hand, Marina was certain that her sister would easily be able to cope with a new baby at home. Now that Marina was out of work in the current economic meltdown, the fallback option of Tracey staying in Portsmouth was likely a non-starter.

Tracey was presently occupied in working up the courage to inform her parents of her life-changing news. She planned to do this during the time she was expected to spend Christmas at home, departing once the college term was over in just a days' time. She had persuaded her dear Aunt Marina to accompany her as a sorely needed ally when she made her announcement to her mother. For Marina, this circumstance brought back a whole raft of deeply-buried memories from over 30 years ago.

That almost-forgotten past, when Marina was just 16, she remembered how at first she hadn't even realised that she had been raped. That alone indicated that she must have been completely out of her head at the time of conception. Even when Marina first missed her period, it didn't immediately register that there was any problem. Her periods at that time had always been inconsistent due to her long working hours and the stress brought on by her father's long and determined tumble into alcoholism. Also, just 16 at the time, a couple of years younger than Tracey was now, she was, as certain as she could possibly be at the time, still a virgin. Cursed with puppy fat since puberty she'd always felt dumpy and uncomfortable in public during those formative early teen years. At the age of sweet sixteen, Marina had never even been asked out on a date, let alone had any intimate relations with boys.

When the doctor had confirmed that Marina was pregnant, she was completely dumfounded. It only dawned on her later at home, counting back the weeks, when she realised it coincided with the Hotel autumn staff party to celebrate the end of the holiday season. Unused to alcohol, she recalled having awoken from a stupor, alone in one of the spare hotel rooms early the next morning. It was only in remembering that event she realised that must have been the only opportunity for her to be in a position where she could be raped without her knowledge and certainly without her conscious consent. Marina was sure of one thing, whatever it was, it was certainly not consensual sex that had resulted in her pregnancy. She had been raped, not only without her connivance, but without even her knowledge of the act.

Along with that recollection came a hazy impression of kissing Daniel, a handsome older boy she had developed quite a crush on at that time. The kiss was quite a chaste goodbye one and happened in a corridor, well away from the prying eyes of the other partygoers. After the kiss, she remembered drinking a glass of some slightly alcoholic drink that Daniel had given her. She trusted him, why wouldn't she? Daniel was a friendly boy, a student working at the hotel during the summer vacation, and all they had done up to that point was talk, on gact for months they talked incessantly. This party was his last time at the hotel until his next break from university and it was by no means certain that he would return to the hotel at the next college break. Marina had been upset that this might be the last time she would see Daniel and had just sought refuge in the corridor to prevent him seeing her tears. He must have followed her. Even with someone she fancied quite strongly, more intensely than anyone before or since, it would have taken a considerable step for her to have willingly had sex for her first time with someone who, other than longing for romance in her innocent imagination, she'd had no previous intimate experience with.

Marina admired this young man, Daniel, and they had become friendly workmates, but he had scarcely given her a second glance romantically in the few short weeks he had known her. She had always enjoyed working with Daniel. He was funny and interesting without being condescending about her lack of education. He was smart, a college boy with bright prospects. He was friendly and kind and had a knack of making her feel at ease for the first time with a member of the opposite sex, an unusual condition in her experience before and since. So she had opened up to him and described all the funny little details of her complicated domestic life, that he appeared to enjoy sharing and laughing along with her.

From what Marina could remember, Daniel hadn't had much of a family life himself, he had no siblings at all as his parents were quite old when he was born and, like Marina, he had lost a parent when he was young. His mother had remarried twice since then and Daniel hadn't got on well with either of his stepfathers. He even actively avoided the current one, hence finding employment with accommodation in the hotel, rather than find work close to home. They had a lot of laughs during those few weeks of the long academic holiday. Not once though, had Daniel had ever encouraged her to believe she meant more to him than just a friend to chat with.

At the time Marina could accept that there would never be a loving relationship between the two friends, he was smart, tall, slim and handsome, she was, in her opinion, dumb, short, fat and ugly.

On her part, though, Marina couldn't help falling head over heels in love with him, knowing that her love would be unrequited but she was unable or unwilling to abandon her natural feelings. They were friends all too briefly as he left the area to return to college the very morning after that fateful party.

Marina remembered that it had been close to Christmas when she had received the doctor's diagnosis. The festive season had scarcely begun when she had to break the news of her condition to her alcohol-ravaged father. Now, over 30 plus years on, history was repeating itself. Marina was charged with breaking similar news to her sister Alexandra, Tracey's mother. Alex was a comfortable stay-at-home mum, and Marina didn't think the news would be as devastating as Tracey herself feared.

Marina hated leaving home for any length of time and in some respects wasn't looking forward to the trip up to North London, even though she would be glad enough to see both Alex and Marina's younger nephew Andy and niece Jenny again. Other than facing the journey by train and underground, Marina had little trepidation with her role as Aunt, supplying soothing oil to pour on troubled waters; she had been performing this role for her family all her life.

Right now though she felt she needed to keep herself occupied during this unplanned interruption to her established daily routine. Once she had finished her leisurely tea break, she bustled about her cold and drab little flat, located between the crowded centre of the south coast city and the sprawling suburbs, and gathered up all her washing. The growing pile included various articles belonging to Tracey that had been left strewn on the cramped second bedroom's carpet and brought by several armfuls into the kitchen. She sorted them into a couple of separate piles and started loading the darker clothing into the machine, before topping up the washing powder and fabric softener compartments and setting the machine in motion on an appropriate washing cycle.

Next she shovelled her mug, a few breakfast dishes and a deeply encrusted long-lost cup, she found buried under discarded clothing in Tracey's room, into the sink and washed these up by hand, before restoring them to their resting places in the cupboards.

It was only after she had changed the sheets and duvet covers on both the beds, vacuum-cleaned the place throughout, transferred the first batch of washing to the drying rack out on the back balcony of the flat and loaded the washing machine for a light and white wash, did she feel she could relax.

Even then she fetched the mop bucket and mopped the kitchen and bathroom floor tiles, before she finally conceded that she had done enough for one day.

In between these chores, she had browned off some chicken pieces, soaked and simmered rice, chopped onions which she browned in the chicken juices, opened a tin of chopped tomatoes, and mixed it all together in the largest pot she had. She chopped and added some vegetables, a dash or three of Worcestershire sauce and a small handful of dried herbs before setting it to simmer on a low gas.

At last she ran a welcome hot bath and soaked in it for much of what remained of the afternoon, periodically topping up with more hot water. Eventually the bulk of the water got too cold to top up successfully and her fingertips turned uncomfortably wrinkly. With a sigh she emerged, dried and talced, dressing herself in comforting PJs, fresh and warm from the airing cupboard, and her aged but comfortably warm dressing gown.

By then her niece Tracey had come in from college and, after a yelled "Hello", flopped herself on the sofa in the lounge with a can of low-cal ginger beer and had switched on the box. Marina made herself a cup of tea and sat down with a couple of digestive biscuits to watch the early evening news. She really had no appetite for the supper that was bubbling away in the kitchen. She thought that she would serve up what Tracey wanted and freeze the rest once it had cooled, for a future meal. She had already decided she would say nothing to Tracey about her redundancy. Tracey's last day of college was tomorrow with only a couple of lectures in the morning and would catch the first afternoon train home via Waterloo straight from college.

Marina wasn't interested in any of the children's entertainment presaging the Christmas countdown and the news was only of limited interest to her. She was still thinking about her job prospects, determined to get a local paper in the morning and scan through the situations vacant. Marina heard rather than watched most of the national news, which washed over her distraction as it really contained little to excite her interest. The station was in that pre-festive silly season mode that the broadcasters seemed to think so entertaining. She barely heard the weather forecast, promising the cold and wet conditions likely to last another few days yet, with colder temperatures likely for a day or two, with a strong possibility of a White Christmas to come.

When the channel switched viewers from the national picture to the local regional news, however, Marina suddenly sat bolt upright.

There, on the screen, as large as life and as bold as brass, was her unrequited beau of old. The very fellow! Daniel ... Daniel Medcalf. She had actually forgotten his surname over the passage of time, but recalled it as soon as it was broadcast. She may have momentarily misplaced the surname but there was no denying that face, that undeniably beautiful and disarming smile was the same as it ever was. He was older, granted, but unmistakably the Daniel she once knew.

Marina must have let out a gasp at that moment, as Tracey looked up from the gossip magazine she sat reading, being not one bit interested in the boring parochial news, until now, that is. Tracey had never seen her aunt look so animated and was intrigued by the subject shown on screen.

'Okay,' thought Marina, 'calm down, he can't possibly touch you here.'

'You are safe,' she tried to assure herself.

It took a handful of seconds to quell the rising panic which threatened to overwhelm her but now she found she could breathe in and out and take stock. She thought that he was a different person, now that she could clear her mind and compare the vivid image burned in her memory, from real life and the apparition rendered by her flat and relatively poor quality cathode ray tube. Daniel's jet-black hair was now flecked with iron-grey and not as thick or anywhere near as long as she remembered him wearing it in his early twenties, but he was still instantly recognisable.

His face was much thinner than he used to be in his youth, his cheeks slightly hollow as if he had recently lost weight but was healthily rosy-cheeked in the cold of the outside broadcast. She had to admit that he looked pretty good in his smart clothes. It seemed incredible to her that he had disappeared from her notice for so many years, but there he was, apparently involved in some local protest over a road or by-pass about to flatten an ancient parcel of precious woodland not very far, no doubt, from his own backyard.

It occurred to her that it was so strange that he had resurfaced at a time in her life where circumstances had caused her memories of him to come to the fore once again after being suppressed so deep for so long.

This event, which had brought him to regional notice, was happening on the edge of her local station's coverage, some 30 miles or so to the east of Portsmouth, the city where Marina had lived for over 30 years. Her breathing took on a large intake of air as the camera zoomed into a close-up of his face as he appeared to put a particularly pertinent point in his argument in favour of preserving the ancient woodland. His voice was deep and cultured without being condescending, emphasising its warmth and understated passion for a subject evidently dear to his heart. Clear and confident, he calmly and persuasively voiced the concerns of the local community, of the undesirability of this road scheme and the relative merits of the alternatives, in a few impressively succinct sentences. The camera then panned to follow his out-swept left hand in the direction of the woodland referred to, and there, glinting in the camera's brilliant white light for all the world, and Marina in particular, to see, was a thin band of gold on his outstretched ring finger.

The first thought that went through her head was why was life so unfair to her? Why had she lived a life so hard and dull that it had turned her into a physical and emotional mess, while this man Daniel was, from all appearances, barely the worse for wear after almost half a lifetime.

Closing her eyes, she played back the recent vivid images in her mind. Yes, he had looked well groomed, despite the wind and rain, his hair was short and under control, his face looked concerned and serious, but youthfully enthusiastic with this current worthy project. He was positive in putting his message across that this environment needed to be preserved. He even managed to flash that captivating little boy smile that he had been blessed with and clearly never lost. As for his eyes, they had a magnetic quality of their own, clear blue eyes that sparkled with vitality, intelligence and ... humanity.