Lil Fry 01

Lil Fry 01

Hey there, I'm Lil Fry. I'm not Crinkle Fry or Golden Fry or even Small Fry because I'm Lil Fry, my future friends, and yes, I'm a bit smaller than most others in my lower 20 something age group and yes, my friends, I love my crinkle fries, with mustard, thank you very much, sir, yes, sir and in less than two years, ugh, I might finally have my hair where I want it, but that's in the future, sir, yes, sir. And sir, no, sir, I will never ever cut my hair that short again, but at least it currently flops over my ears and curls just under my jawbone today, so, that's that, sir, it is what it is today, sir.

I prefer longer jeans that break just over my high tops and crinkle, crinkle just like my favorite fries and that's my style more than shorts, but there are a lot of days in a year, so, everything is possible sooner or later.

I don't ever start or spread rumors, except for like three times and you can't tag me as just a cock tease because I actually hand out raincheck tickets, which I may never cash in, but for about ten people guys, I mean, they have their half of the ticket stub and there are a lot of days in a year, so, who knows what might happen someday. But, ahem, read the fine print on your half of the raincheck ticket stub because not all of the days within a year are eligible for redemption, so, slack off and that's on you.

Also, to clarify things, I'm no more than a rain checking cock tease because of the absolute lack of bullies and other meanies in my life, so, I blame all of those who were too forgiving of me during my start up days, so, that's on society [sticks tongue out] then.

And to clarify another thing, I'm technically just a half of a cock tease because I don't fill out a rain check ticket until I'm standing on the edge of no going back, but you're smart enough to know that means I don't run until I have to and that means you had a throbbing reason to make me cut and run, which when you put my half and your half together, I mean, I have no idea where I'm going with this, but I bumped forward just before I ran off [sticks tongue out again] and let the rain check ticket stub float over my shoulder for you, so, whatever. I mean, about ten people guys got half of what they wanted, so, if I were going somewhere with this, I mean, it's a half and half tie then [sticks tongue out] and that's that.

Anyways, my story starts today on the evening of the sunken riverboat memorial ceremony down on the Middleton River, where obviously, a riverboat sank about five years ago and if you know anything at all about the city of Middleton or even about Mrs. Bentley, then you know it's little more than another excuse to sip the bubbly Champagne in public, but attendance is mandatory and nobody in Middleton ever said "hah, I'm not afraid of Mrs. Bentley's roll call hit squad" in the history of Middleton, so, that's where my story starts.

And to set the scene even further from there, my goal, other than to not be captured by the hit squad ladies, was to enjoy a sip of the bubbly, mingle a little bit during the memorial ceremony and then wait and see if a perfect moment presented itself to challenge if a certain "that guy", that guy Buster, felt like engaging in a little back and forth rumor challenging with me, the end.

And on that day, the day of riverboat sinking memorial ceremony, I mean, soft canvas camo fatigue pants were my choice of ceremony outdoor wear with matching undies on the inside. With only one large thigh pocket on the left side, thank you very much, sir! Oh, the pocket was large, not my thighs.

And it's in that side button snap pocket where I kept my ten previous raincheck ticket stubs because I'm that committed to cashing them in someday! Or to know who to run from, either way.

And by the way, that guy, Buster, he does not have a raincheck ticket stub from my pad of raincheck receipts because, you know, he likes a couple of things about me, but he has an issue with those couple of things being attached to a Boi boy's body. Which, I mean, why does he keep after it so hard then, right?

Anyways, my first plan was a failure. I mean, I thought that if I obtained a ride down to the riverside park, then I would have a good excuse to need a rescue ride back, you know, from maybe that guy, Buster, but that failed for two reasons. One, ugh, that guy, Buster, was actually working for the ceremony committee, so, that was a failure on (my) his part and for two, grr, even the worse plans ever have a clock ticking on them, right? I mean, trust me, nobody ever said "hah, I'll be happy to explain it to Mrs. Bentley why we're late" in the history of the city of Middleton!

And time ran out for my failed plan to obtain what would have been a safe ride down to the riverside park with this other guy, Scott, which caused me to, as all of the competitors on my favorite cooking competition show eventually say, I had to pivot on my plans because time was running short, which increased my risk of being late to the memorial ceremony. Which we all know can be a huge problem. Maybe not as huge as Mrs. Bentley is up top, but being late puts you on the list.

"(Giggles)"

So, I had to pivot away from a ride with this guy, ugh, I mean, that guy, Scott, to at least keep my event timeline on track because that guy, Scott, slowed things down with his "let me off of the hook" babbling.

"I mean, Lil Fry, there was a rumor floating around that you wouldn't be mad if you rode my side seat to the riverboat sinking memorial ceremony with me and it's not exactly like I ignored that for over 30 minutes to drag things out, but what's up with that since we are not on the same page, so?"

"Scott, sir, no, sir, the rumor mill is rampant and slow these days, sir, yes, sir, but the corresponding rumor back, sir, yes, sir, was that I wasn't going be mad about that, sir, no, sir, but now I've changed my mind and my plans have pivoted, sir, yes, sir because time is running short and now, I have to drive myself, sir, yes, sir!"

"(OMFG) Lil Fry, have you ever considered saying stuff in a normal voice, sheesh."

"Sir, yes, sir, my voice is known as one of my better features, sir, yes, sir and it's half of what started it all, sir, probably, sir, but you're off of the hook, sir, yes, sir!"

"Listen, Lil Fry, um, I think I appreciate that, but (whew) being let off of the hook are your words (whew) and not my words, but it's already been said out loud, so, I mean, I'll see you at the memorial ceremony later then, um, okay then and by the way, just so my excuse is clear, Lil Fry..."

Oh, we can just let Scott babble on for a few minutes while I tell all of you that Scott is not a raincheck ticket stub holder either. I once caught him trying to steal a blank receipt from my receipt pad once, but that was at a party and on one of the few times when I went out in Denim shorts and no matter what he says about how different of a page we are on, he kissed me back as I wrestled the blank ticket stub away from his hand. And I'll just leave that where it is. But it was a memorable wrestling match, turn the page, sir, yes, sir.

"Anyways, Lil Fry, just so it's clear, Willis already asked to ride in my side seat down to the memorial ceremony, so, I mean, I'm sorry, but that's that and that can't be changed now no matter what, so, we're at least on the same page with that level of commitment, am I right, Lil Fry, huh?"

And I lip smacked two guys on my 21st because I don't tease when it comes to making out! Wait, oops, sorry, I haven't confessed that I'm mostly a cock tease yet, so, forget that you just read that. Wait, did I already admit that I'm a half and half cock tease above somewhere, hmm?

"Sir, yes, sir and you and Willis can chit chat all the way down to the riverside memorial park, while Willis is riding your side seat, sir, yes, sir and you two can talk all about why Willis visits his Auntie Greta so much when she gets off of work on the day when she wears her office pantyhose, sir, yes, sir, ebony pantyhose, after work, sir, yes, sir!"

"(SOB! I thought that rumor might be true!) I mean, I mean, I mean, I need a minute to think about things, Lil Fry, so, um don't run off just..."

[The weirdo Willis is already in Scott's truck and slaps the exterior of the door through the open window and proclaims his readiness]

"[Slap, slap] Scott, I'm ready to roll to the ceremony, old buddy, but can we stop by my aunt's place first for like 9 1/2 to 10 1/2 minutes, huh? You can wait in your truck outside and I'll just be inside for, um, well, I'll just be for 9 1/2 to 10 1/2 minutes, so?"

It's all in the timing, folks, it's all in the timing. But there is never enough time to turn the page back, especially after something like that.

"(OMF-SOB-G!) Um, um, listen, old buddy, tee he, um, well, the truth is Willis, that I forgot that I already made arrangements with Lil Fry for a ride because of like six rumored reasons, I mean, for a side seat ride only, old buddy, so, I mean, come on, Willis, it's Lil Fry, so, um, I can't bitch out on Lil Fry, so, um, I'm sorry, but there's just no room for you now in my truck and um, oh, oh, wait, hold please because it just came to me, again, OMG, Lil Fry, get your camo covered butt in the truck this very instant because if we're late to the ceremony, then it's on you to explain things to Mrs. Bentley! Move it!"

"Oh, sorry, sir, sorry, but my camo covered booty already made other plans, sir, yes, sir, but I will explain things to Mrs. Bentley, sir, yes, sir, for why you're 9 1/2 to 10 1/2 disgusting minutes late, ewe, sir, ewe!"

And adding chaos and havoc works every time too!

And maybe I had waited a long time to call out weirdo Willis, so, what?

And besides, I am definitely not Scott's type and even if he decided to slide sideways just one time because my body is hard to not notice, especially all wrapped up in camo with a pocket, I mean, Scott would bail out before I did and yes, I've already said that I've bailed out like ten times in the past, so, what? I mean, at least I keep records, so.

Again, I blame the absolute lack of bullies in my life for that! So, well, it's the fault of more accepting people in these modern times then!

[Vroom, vroom, vroom, it's not that far to the Middleton River, vroom, but Lil Fry drives alone]

"Memorial Ceremony attendee parking to the left [points dual flashlights to the left] and committee members and deliveries to the right [points a single flashlight to the right], keep it tight and moving and you have to listen to me because I'm wearing an official dingy neon ceremony safety vest."

"(Beep) hey there, hey, Josh, do you know if that guy, Buster, is working tonight, hmm?"

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Golden Fry then! I'm surprised that you remembered my name since the ink on the infamous raincheck ticket stub that you gave me has long since faded, so?"

Hah! Infamous! Infamous my camo covered booty! I mean, it's ten, like ten and in what world does ten qualify as infamous, hmm? It's ten. Just like the ten fingers on two hands! Ten. Well, as long as we're not talking about Earl's left hand, I mean, it's ten, not infamous.

"Josh, shut it."

I mean, I had no clap back prepared because I wasn't expecting to find Josh working as the ceremony parking attendant, especially when ugh, that guy actually produced the ink faded raincheck ticket stub and waved it in my face! And showing him my pristine copy of the graduation party raincheck ticket stub didn't help matters much.

"See? My copy is pristine, Josh and you're near the top of my redemption list, so, do you feel better about things now, hmm?"

[Josh inspects the pristine raincheck ticket stub and huh, it says "I owe Josh a private and intimate moment for the five lip kisses we shared at Dale's grad party" and Josh is almost left speechless]

"Ahem! Are we in agreement then, Josh, hmm? We're still at a tie?"

Oh, I might be a stupid cock tease until I'm not a stupid cock tease, but read just above, I keep records and I plan to pay back.

"Ugh, shut it, Small Fry and keep it tight and to the left!"

Oh, and just like it's legit to impede traffic on the Strip while talking through an open window for up to 3 minutes as long as you're not talking to your own crew, it's legit to impede event parking for up to the same 3 minutes, just as long as it's a legit non lovers quarrel, so. Especially when there were no other vehicles in the parking line because nobody ever said "hah, explaining to Mrs. Bentley why we're late challenge accepted, so, hah" and lived afterwards to ever say that again.

Also, the only other late arrivals were a good 9 1/2 to 10 1/2 minutes more behind me, tee he, so.

"Josh, park my truck, tight and to the left, for me so that I'm not any later to the ceremony podium area than I am now and I promise to not start a rumor that we're dating, so?"

"Oh, oh, you little Lil Tease Fry, I wouldn't date you for the entire pad of raincheck ticket stubs!"

"Oh, well then, that's too bad, Josh because then, there is no need for us to have breakup sex or make up sex, so [tosses key fob], tootles!"

Oh, I mean, folks, since I have had such a lack of bullies in my life and have managed to get away with a lot of stuff, I mean, I have zero control over the words that come out of my mouth sometimes since I was never challenged properly by bullies.

"Well, bah, bah, bah, I mean, wait a minute, my tasty Lil Fry, I mean, I mean, I mean, did I just hear you extend a challenge to me to accept a quick parking attendant lot raincheck cashing blow job since your camo covered booty is so off limits, I mean, if I heard that correctly, I mean, sunken riverboat memorial ceremony quick blow job challenge accepted!"

LOL, regular guys and transitional people hear things so much differently, right? I mean, I said very little of that, right?

"[Embrace, smack, smooch] hmm, I feel that your ink pen is still as full of ink as ever, Josh and I promise you [smooch, smack], as soon as that guy, Buster, dumps me, we will reconnect, so [smooch], keep it tight and to the left, Josh [rub, squeeze, rub, squeeze, squeeze, rub], bye!"

Oh, oh, revisit above, folks, I've always claimed to be a half of a cock tease. I touch and bump plenty because that's the best way to make sure there is ink in the raincheck ticket signing ink pen, so.

But anyways, I managed to quietly slip into the crowd un-noticed that I was a tad late and I slid up next to Mrs. Wilson since I knew her and acted like we had been chit chatting for a while, so, I was safe from the roll call hit squad.

But listen, folks, I need to circle back sooner or later because I had just found out that kissing back has different levels to it because that guy, Josh, raincheck ticket #07 holder, just split my lips with his tongue and that was a first for me, so, expect that to come back around later, you know, later, after the sunken riverboat memorial ceremony, so.

[Champagne glasses clink, clink, clink, clink]

"[Hic] gather around everyone..."

I mean, should I update the "reasons" on the back of the raincheck ticket stubs to include how that kind of kissing back deserves a better pay back, hmm? Even if the pay back might be ten years down the road, hmm?

"We are gathered here this evening along the side of the sunken river boat to mourn the loss of a good many..."

[Everybody slightly bows their heads down]

"To mourn the loss of a good many fish shaped golden crackers down the Middleton River five years [hic] ago when the riverboat sank, so, toast it up people! Cheers!"

See, folks? Literally any excuse whatsoever to toast a bubbly Champagne glass in public!

"[Cheers! Cheers! Hic, cheers! Burp, cheers! Cheers! Is my dress see-through [hic], cheers! Is my thong showing, cheers! Anyone want to sink their cracker in my sunken boat? Cheer this!]"

"Ugh [sip, sipped it empty], where is that Champagne waiter?"

"Oh, I totally agree, Mrs. Wilson, because "grr" where is that Champagne waiter, I mean, did I get that right, Mrs. Wilson even though I'm looking for the Champagne waiter for another reason, hmm, grr?"

"Oh, never mind then [hic] because you're obviously twenty something too young to understand the difference between "ugh" and "grr" anyways, so, you're Mary's daughter Boi, right? Crinkle Fries or something like [hic] that, hmm?"

"Oh, it's Lil Fry, Mrs. Wilson, but I'm pretty sure I used my "grr" correctly because I'm here to see if the Champagne waiter, Buster, has a spark, a sparkle or a sprinkle for me, even though I tried a couple of tricks tonight that failed, which included avoiding yet another raincheck ticket, but I left the parking lot attendant with a couple of lip smacks and a raging boner, so, is that "grr" worthy then, Mrs. Wilson?"

"Well, it's [hic] still an "ugh" moment because you're shouldn't leave your man hanging [hic] with a raging boner [hic] as long as he can get a raging boner because [hic] eventually becomes a "sheesh" moment sooner or later when he goes [hic] limp like my hubby has gone, which after that, it becomes just a "meh" moment and all, so, who is your parking attendant boyfriend with a raging boner anyways [hic], Crispy Fries, hmm?"

"Oh, whew, I thought you might have noticed that when you parked that it was..."

"OMG, our youth in these modern times [hic]! I mean, "whew" is reserved from when you almost got caught cheating in red panties, I mean [hic], red handed, geez! But, go on, Small Fries, so?"

"Oh, the horny parking attendant is Josh Johnson then, Mrs. Wilson, I mean, most certainly Josh has played video at your place before, so?"

"Oh [hic], that little horn dawg used to play something at my house before [hic] alright! And his favorite game was "Poke A Mom" every time he caught me rinsing off the snack [hic] plates! What's your trade then [hic], Under Cooked Fries, since that little horn toad must be of age by now, hmm?"

Ugh! Horny MILFs, right? Who have had their share of the bubbly. Tee he, they are the best!

"Oh, I'll take a raincheck, Mrs. Wilson, but I wouldn't be mad if your undies ended up stuffed between my truck seats or if maybe a MILF meme worthy photo surfaced and a MILF meme worthy photo can be qualified as non-facial exposure because your head is drooped down between your out stretched arms, I mean, that's my trade then, Mrs. Wilson, so?"

Aww, yeah, folks, that qualifies as a raincheck ticket cashing!

"[Hic] well that's perverted, Medium Fires, but, ugh, since it's [hic] how I got pregnant the first two times, [hic], okay! So [hic], just where in the hell is that..."

Well, I didn't, ugh, expect that, but whatever.

"Champagne refills, get your "literally any excuse" Champagne refills, here! Champagne, tall, chilled and don't be afraid to notice my amazing tray balancing skills, get it here, people, oh, oh, well then, it's you Golden Fries, I mean, I ignore you, so, what?"

"Ugh, Buster, if that's what you call ignoring me, I mean, grr, then you're just bad at it!"

"(Psst, toss in a "meh" quick, psst!)"

"Well, I mean, meh, what do I care if you ignore me because I've always ignored you first anyways, Buster, the hired hand Champagne waiter! And straighten out the towel over your forearm, Buster."

"[Hic], my work is done here [grabs another glass of the bubbly] and I have some good ole times of shaking my booty to relive in the [hic] parking lot, so, [pat, pat, hmm] tootles."

OMG, for the record, folks, as a half cock tease, I can pat my raincheck blue balls boyfriend's dick for myself! I mean, hello! Half cock tease here! Sheesh. Or is it geez this time, hmm? It's hard to keep up with the lingo sometimes, so.

"So? The ignoring status ball is in your court then, Buster, so?"

[Tenderly balancing the Champagne refill glasses tray]

"Oh, I already said it many times, Soggy Fry, that I ignore your glowing cheeks and your fluttering eyes and don't even get me started how I'm totally ignoring how you probably match under your camo fatigue pants and let's just forget about how much I can't ignore how you're the queen of raincheck tickets, so, um, well, bye, Lil Fry!"