Lily's Playlist Pt. 18

****Sensitive subject matter. I know this is a spoiler, but please don't read if you are sensitive to miscarriages*****

***FLASHBLACK***

~2 years prior~

I finally felt like I was getting my shit together. My maternal aunt Patricia was a big part of that. I felt more freedom and independence in the three weeks living with her than I ever felt living with my dad. She helped me purchase my first vehicle- A midnight blue Jetta I named Lady Kitana. I always loved her character on Mortal Kombat. She's fierce and sexy. A complete bad ass ninja, with a mix of seduction and violence. That was enough to make me wanna be like her growing up. Her story line told of how she spent centuries serving as an assassin to an evil Emperor stepfather. She eventually learned that she was kidnapped and was actually a princess. Her whole life had been a lie. I related to her story more than ever now and I felt like the name was perfect for my first huge step in being completely independent from my dad and brother.

I was looking at apartments too. My aunt told me I was free to stay with her as long as I liked. I appreciated it but I didn't feel comfortable at her home. My mother was a huge elephant in the room that no one wanted to address. I figured when I had my own place, I would feel better questioning my past. Until then, it was extremely awkward. Not to say Patricia didn't make me feel welcomed. She did. She introduced me to extended family, was teaching me how to cook and I didn't have to sneak food in my room.

I slowed down on the junk and increased my workouts. My body thanked me profusely. The nausea faded away. I still ate way too many fruit snacks. They reminded me of Ethan and the sweet times we shared together. I knew in order to truly start my life anew, I had to let him go. I just needed to get on my own two feet first. One night, I laid in bed, munching on gummy bears when my stomach began to cramp. I took it as a sign to put the candy away. I curled up on my side and the discomfort faded. I slept a dream-less sleep that night.

When I woke up, it was to more cramps and wetness between my legs. I kicked off my covers and saw there was blood on my shorts. I looked down at the red stain, trying to remember my last period. I had some spotting, but not anything this heavy since I moved to California...

...With that thought, it all clicked to me. The nausea, the vomiting, the cramping, the last time I saw Ethan. My heart dropped all the way to my stomach, increasing the dull ache in my abdomen as it all came back to me. The realization of what was happening crashed down on me and I screamed. A blood-curdling noise that sounded foreign to my own ears. The despair, anger, and guilt all erupted outside of me. I bawled and yammered as I pushed the sheets away from me.

"Oh No! This can't be happening! Please not my baby! Please no!"

That was how my aunt found me; pleading and crying for the child I didn't know I was carrying. The rest was a blur. Patricia got me up, forced me to put on pants and a shirt and got me in the car. I remembered her praying out loud as she drove us to the hospital and that soothed me. I haven't been to church since chapel in college but I always felt that even if the bible wasn't real, it was a good way to live your life. Her words brought me comfort. I cradled myself protectively, trying to pray for my baby even though something inside me knew it was too late.

In the labor and delivery unit, they did an ultrasound. The technician's face stayed neutral, but I knew what she wouldn't disclose. The doctor used the term complete miscarriage and the despair, anger, and guilt hit me all over again. While he explained how I might still experience pregnancy symptoms, silent tears streamed down my face. I was so stupid and selfish. I was so caught up in my hurt, I missed all the obvious pregnancy symptoms. And now my baby was gone. Our baby was gone...

By the time I got discharged and went back home, I was drained. I'd never been so exhausted in my life. Patricia must have told her daughter Bianca, because she changed the sheets on my bed and asked me if I needed anything. I shook my head and climbed into bed. I figured I would fall asleep right away but I stayed awake thinking about all the things I did wrong. The caffeine, the junk food, the alcohol, the obsessive working, the lack of sleep; everything I did to hurt my body; To hurt my baby. I was inconsolable that entire day.

My aunt came in around 12pm with soup, toast and tea.

"Try to eat."

"I'm not hungry." I sobbed.

"I know but you still need to eat. Your body just went through something traumatic. You know that. You need your strength." She said.

I sat up and sipped the tea. I didn't care about my strength. I just wanted her to leave. I figured if I ate, she would go away.

"Liliana, is there someone I can call?" She asked.

I shook my head. Not my dad. Not my brother. Not Trevor. Not Rocky. And definitely not Ethan...

The thought of him brought more tears to my eyes. I was bombarded with questions in my head. Should I tell him? Would he even want to know? Would he have wanted our baby? Could he ever forgive me?

"Ok, pumpkin. Just eat and I'll let you rest." She said.

I spooned the chicken noddle soup into my mouth. It tasted slimy and soggy. Afterwards, I shoved dry, salty crackers down my throat. I drank the tea to wash it down. When I finished, she took the dishes and left. The rest of the day Patricia waited on me. I don't think I went an hour without her checking in on me. The thoughts became too much, and I asked for something to help me sleep. She returned with Tylenol PM. I took 2 and was finally able to sleep.

The next day, I was supposed to be at work. I got up and got ready like normal. My aunt was surprised to see me up and getting dressed.

"Lily, are you sure you're ready?" She asked me.

I nodded. "I can't stay in here forever."

"I know that but we should talk." Patricia stated.

"About what? We both know what happened. Isn't it God's will or something?" I said, aloof.

"No." She shook her head. I looked at her, surprised.

"God never intended for us to feel pain, get sick or die. Men's sin caused that so no, it's not God's will." She explained

"Well, regardless, staying home from work won't change things. I need to go." I said.

Patricia nodded and left me to get ready. I went to work numb, the whole entire day. I focused on my patients. I worked through my lunch. I went to Patricia's home and pretended like everything was normal. It wasn't until the fourth day that my façade shattered. I was driving through my aunt's neighborhood, heading to work and I saw a woman, walking her dog. She was noticeably pregnant with a big baby bump under her tank.

All those emotions I tried to push away overwhelmed me. I knew I couldn't go to work. I couldn't fake it that day. Tears already blurred my vision. I couldn't bear going back to that house, to that bed, to Bianca and Patricia's worried glances. I kept driving until I reached my father's house. I pulled up in the drive way. I hadn't even reached the door when my dad opened it. He just looked at me, worriedly.

"I'm sorry. You were right. I have an eating disorder. I don't need a doctor. I just need time to work it out. Please." I begged him.

He nodded and let me in the house. He arranged everything. He got me 2 weeks off work. I don't know how he did it, but I was grateful for his overbearing attitude. I convinced him my 'eating disorder' was brought on by finding out about my mom. I didn't have to think about anything. My dad took care of everything, except explaining to my aunt. I just wrote her a note, telling her thank you, but it was too hard for me living with her. My dad assumed that it was because of my mom. I agreed and he made sure my aunt got the note when he arranged for my thing to be brought back to the house. My aunt called me. She didn't bring up the miscarriage. She only told me that she was there if I needed her.

--------------------------------

***PRESENT***

"I was pregnant..." I cried. I never talked to anyone about my miscarriage until now. It was the first time I said that out loud and the gravity of the words crushed me. "I didn't even know until I lost my baby." I broke down in gut wrenching sobs. All the pain and grief and guilt rushed back to me. My knees buckled and Jake's arms around me were the only thing keeping me up.

I buried my head into Jake's chest, crying all over his shirt, but I was way too emotional to stop.

"Does he know?" Jake asked, softly stroking my hair.

I shook my head. vehemently. "No. I don't want him to know. He doesn't need to know. Please don't tell him. Please." I sobbed trembling.

"I won't tell. Anything you tell me is between us, Cariño." Jake said, holding me tighter.

He took me to his bedroom and laid us on his bed. He held me until my sobs subsided. Exhausted, I drifted to sleep as he held me, locked in his arms. I woke up a couple hours later. The bedroom was dark and I was lying on Jake's chest. I slid off and looked at him.

"Hey Cariño. Go back to sleep." He said, pulling me back into his arms. I resisted and sat up.

"I'm gonna head out. My brother's probably worried. I'm sure my phone is dead by now." I answered.

"It was. It's charging right now. Your brother was calling-"

I winced.

"I sent him a text from your phone that I was going to take you to the airport. We're closer anyway." Jake explained.

I nodded. "Thanks."

"Do you need anything? Something to drink? Eat?" Jake asked concerned. I shook my head.

He laid us back down. This time, instead of laying in his arms, I turned my back to him.

He wrapped his arms around me anyway.

"Lily-" he started.

"I'm really tired Jake. Can we talk later?" I said, numb.

"Sure." He said.

I laid there, and closed my eyes tightly, trying not to thinking about my baby. Little things reminded me of my loss all the time. For the most part, I am able to deal with it. Mother's Day and the month of March were the only things that were especially hard. My baby would have had a due date around March. But for the most part, I am always able to push those feelings away. I didn't realize being around EJ would be so hard. I couldn't help but wonder what kind of brother EJ would be or if my child would have his smile or nose. As much as I loved EJ, it was a bittersweet reminder that he could of had a sibling. I was afraid now that I told Jake, I wouldn't be able to control my emotions anymore. That was one of the reasons I didn't keep regular contact with my aunt. It was easier to pretend like nothing happened when no one else knew. The world moved on and I was able to as well. Now that Jake knew, that changed everything. I don't know if I can handle that change.

Jake cuddled closer to me. He and whispered softly to me.

"Lo siento mucho. Tú eres la mujer más bella que he visto. Te necesito en mi vida y voy a hacer hasta lo imposible para que tu seas feliz." {I'm so sorry. You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I need you in my life. I will do everything possible to make you happy.}

His words gave me very little comfort. Some of them added to my worry. I can't help thinking about what my aunt told me when I told her I was moving back to Dallas. She told me I couldn't be happy with anyone if I wasn't happy with myself. I didn't know if I would ever be happy with myself. I didn't even know how to start. I pretended to be asleep until I was finally able to fall sleep.

The next morning, I woke up to the smell of coffee, in Jake's bed alone. I looked at my phone to see it was 2 hours before we had to leave for the airport. When I joined him in the kitchen, Jake ordered a breakfast of blueberry pancakes, an omelet, and coffee. I wasn't really hungry, but I forced myself to eat.

"Lily?"

I looked up at him when he called my name. I really didn't want to have a conversation right now, especially not about last night. I knew we needed to talk about where we were so it wasn't weighing on my mind my whole trip, but I had nothing left in me. I just wanted to get to the airport, get my trip over and be alone as soon as possible.

"I'm sorry."

I raised my eyebrow at him. He said it last night, in Spanish, when I was pretending to be sleep. I was surprised he actually repeated it in English.

"Nothing you said last night changes the way I feel about you. I'm sorry for your loss."

"Ok. Thanks." I said, not sure how I felt about his apology, especially him referring to my loss. It still stung, but not as much as before.

We left it at that and ate breakfast in silence. It wasn't uncomfortable but probably because we were both too lost in our own thoughts to notice. He drove me to the airport. I wanted him to drop me off, but he insisted on walking me in. My brother already texted that they would be waiting at the terminal for me. When I told him my brother would be waiting for me, that made him more determined to walk me in. As promised, Cam and Jenna were waiting by the entrance. Cam stood and stalked towards us with purpose.

After re-introductions, I thought we were in the clear. Cam thanked Jake for getting me to the airport on time. I gave Jake a smile and a hug, getting ready to take off, when Cam instructed Jenna and me to check in my empty luggage bags. Cam said Jake and he would have a chat while we checked the bags in.

"He can't. He has to get to work. He's already late." I interjected.

"I don't mind. They can manage a little longer without me." Jake answered.

"You're parked. The longer you stay the more it'll cost-" I said, pointedly to Jake.

"He can use the money he saved on gas when he didn't come over for dinner last night." Cam interrupted me.

I sighed. Jake deserved that but still, I was trying to help him out. Hopefully, he'll take that as his cue to exit.

"It's no problem." Jake agreed confidently.

Whatever. If they wanted to have a penis swinging contest, so be it.

"Be nice." Jenna said to Cam, before leading me away.

15 minutes later, we had our bags checked and headed back to where we left Jake and Cam. When Cam saw us approaching, he held out his hand to Jake. Jake shook his hand, before walking towards me. He pulled me to the side.

He gave me another hug and kissed me on the forehead. "Call me when you make it to California."

I nodded.

"What did he say?" I asked.

"Typical big brother stuff." He said, vaguely.

Jake said one final goodbye before leaving.

"What did you say to him?" I questioned Cam.

"Don't worry about that." Cam said.

"I'm not. Just know, whatever I decide to do, it's my life and my decision." I replied.

Cam looked at me. "So why do you care what I said?"

Urgh, he had me there. We didn't talk about it as we waited for our flight. I thought about my relationships with Trevor, Rocky and Jake. It was upsetting to say the least, thinking about how complicated everything became in the past evening. With Jake, I knew we would either work it out or stop seeing each other, but I didn't know what to do about my friends. I felt like I was constantly having to defend myself and my actions to them. Now I found out they discuss how much I was fucking up behind my back. I really didn't understand it. Well, I kinda got it. In college, I second guessed everything I did and always consulted them before I made any major decisions. I had no life outside of them. Now that I gotten a life and didn't consult with them about it, it was a problem. I love Rocky and Trevor, but I was sick of having the same arguments with them over and over again. Maybe we were drifting apart; It hurt to think about it, but it was better than continuing to fight with them.

***Flashback***

~I week prior to moving back to Texas~

I hugged everyone one more time before I went searching for my Aunt Patty. She had thrown a big going away dinner for me. All of her kids, their kids, a few of my co-workers and other extended family came. My co-worker Stuart was more than a little shocked and confused as to why I would leave a great job at a prestigious hospital, to move back to Dallas for an interview at a clinic.

It was really simple. Dallas was where I wanted to be. My new year resolutions the first year of moved back to California were get my own life and make California my home. That's what I attempted to do. After my miscarriage, my dad fully took over my life again. He prepared my meals, planned our activities, bought me self help books, and exercised with me. I stayed like that for 3 months, until my frustration at being controlled overshadowed my grief. I needed a fresh new start so I made those new year resolutions. I got my own apartment, made connections with people who I knew from high school, and actually tried to move on.

By the time the new year came around, I still didn't feel like California was my home. That saying home is where your heart is rang true to me: my heart and home were in Dallas with my friends and with Ethan. After everything, I still couldn't get him off my mind. I wasn't completely delusional to think that Ethan was sitting around for 2 years, waiting for me. I knew my experience with dating only made me miss and appreciate him more- maybe he felt the same.

Even though I missed everyone in Dallas, I wasn't going to move back without a job. I figured it wouldn't hurt to see what jobs were available and started applying online. If I got a couple of job leads, I would plan a trip back, feel out the situation, then move back. I was so ecstatic when I got that first email about a job interview a month later, I decided to forget waiting for a job. Dallas was where I wanted to be, so I was going. There was nothing keeping me in California. Now, I was at my Aunt's house, saying goodbye to everyone. I found my aunt outside in front of the house. She was waving and watching as her oldest daughter drove off.

"Patricia, I think I'm gonna have Bianca take me to my dad's soon but thank you, for everything." I said, smiling.

"Liliana, I want to talk to you before you go." She gave me a solemn look.

"Ok." I said, following her inside the house. We went to the back, in her bedroom. I avoided looking at the room I used to stay in.

"Why are you moving back to Dallas?" She asked me.

"My brother and my friends are out there." I stated simply.

"You aren't taking to your brother and you made friends out here." Patricia pointed out.

"I know, but it's where I wanna be." I shrugged.

"I thought California was where you wanted to be. That's why you moved out here. You didn't even look for jobs in Dallas after you graduated."

"Yeah, because I thought I was going to reconnect with mother. That didn't happen." I said.

"Are you still trying to locate her?" Patricia interrogated me.

I was surprised she even asked. When I originally asked about mom, she told me she knew nothing and wanted nothing to do with my mom. My aunt Patricia said my mom knew giving me up for adoption without consulting the family would be the last straw for them. My mom did it anyway, severing all ties with her family and my aunt had no desire to contact with her or even help me find her.

"No, I'm not." I said, nonchalantly. "I don't care to find her. I don't want anything to do with her."

That was the truth. I had a connection to my baby when I miscarried. Even though I didn't know I was pregnant, I grieved the loss of my child. I knew, without a doubt, that I would have raised my child, whether Ethan wanted to be a part of his/her life. I couldn't imagine giving birth, raising my baby for 4 years, and then leaving him/her. I didn't want to know a woman who could do that. I didn't want to have any part of her. My mother's approval meant nothing to me now. She meant nothing to me, but it did bring up another question.