Loathe to Love Ch. 03

I'd been to countless soirées, fetes, balls, and other gatherings throughout my life, attended by the most powerful and discerning people in the kingdom. None of them had ever inspired as much fear as my afternoon picnic with Natalia.

The difference was one of stakes. At those fancy events, I could (and often did) make a fool of myself, throw a fit, or otherwise ruin things without changing how anyone saw me. Bad behavior was expected from me; I was the designated royal brat.

But with Natalia, those same rules no longer applied. She didn't ignore me--my words and actions impacted her, and so doing something wrong could have permanent consequences. And unlike with all the nobles and courtiers, for some stupid reason I found myself caring about her feelings and wanting her to like me.

Which was terrifying.

What if I made a mistake and Natalia grew to hate me? What if I wasn't exciting enough for her and she lost interest? I had a rare opportunity--someone who actually wanted to be around me--and if I blew it, Goddess only knew when I'd get another. No. I wouldn't allow that to happen.

There would be no mistakes. This picnic, and by extension me, would be exactly what Natalia wanted and more. The responsibility of maintaining perfection was a heavy burden, but it was better than the alternative.

It also made choosing an outfit impossible.

I'd pored over racks and racks of clothes, searching for the perfect ensemble--something flattering but not obscene, bright but not gaudy, mature but not dull...something that actually worked well on my narrow figure instead of making me look like a scarecrow. Something that excited Natalia's interest without offending her sensibilities.

With such a stringent set of standards, my search bore little fruit even as it grew more frenetic and desperate. Unfit frocks were flung away. Passé petticoats were pushed aside. Crude corsets were cast into the depths of cabinets. Eventually, overwhelmed and discouraged, I collapsed onto the floor with a defeated moan. Nothing looked good.

"Do you need assistance, my Princess?" asked Thea, one of my ladies-in-waiting, from behind me. The small blonde had been hand-picked by my mother years ago thanks to her uncanny ability to avoid participating in or becoming the victim of my schemes. Striking such a delicate balance usually involved staying out of my way, and so we were on cordial terms.

I tentatively lifted my head from my hands, mind still abuzz with caveats and considerations. "Do...do you know what Natalia thinks about court fashions this season? Specifically outdoor wear?" My knowledge of fashion trends had mostly been passively absorbed--I'd always tried to stay above such trifles--but if it could provide inspiration, I had no qualms putting it to use.

Thea hesitated for a moment before responding. "I'm not sure the Princess-consort keeps up-to-date on such things, Princess Penelope. She's spent very little time in court." She watched me carefully, trying to read my emotional state. "If you like, I can ask her..."

"And make me look desperate to please? No. Absolutely not." I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. "Forget the trends, then. They all look wretched on me anyway."

Thea's expression softened almost imperceptibly. "Would you like my opinion, Princess?"

I waved a hand at her permissively, slowly rising back to a seated position.

"Simpler might be better, given the informal setting and the Princess-consort's unfamiliarity with the intricacies of dress."

I frowned at a lavish ruby-red ball gown. The thought had occurred to me previously, but I'd worried Natalia would see it as an insult--me saying she wasn't worth extravagance. Alternatively, maybe this whole outing was a test, and simple clothing would fail to meet her standards. "Isn't that too obvious an answer, though? It feels like what she'd want me to think."

"I...do not believe she is trying to trick you, my Princess."

Oh. Right. This was the woman mother had chosen to marry me specifically because she avoided subterfuge and intrigue.

"You're probably right." I sighed and stood up, surveying my empire of fabric while tapping a finger against my chin. Simple. Simple and cute. "Perhaps...remember the outfit I wore to the stag hunt last year? The breeches underneath the nice white dress with the short skirt?"

Thea furrowed her brow. "Was that the year where you kept threatening Princess Bethany with your bow?"

"No, that was two years ago. Last year was when I kept blowing a whistle to scare off all the prey." With good reason; I'd been protesting Carmen's decision to move away for the sake of her ecclesiastical duties. My family had made me return to the palace after the third whistle-blowing incident.

"Ah, yes! I remember now." Thea stepped forward past the chaos I'd created to effortlessly retrieve the outfit in question. "Here we are."

I stepped back and circled it like a wild predator, studying it from multiple angles. No immediate flaws jumped out at me. "It's a good start." I snapped my fingers. "Oh! I can also wear those cream gloves with the little bows on the forearms. And the coral necklace I stole from Janice. And obviously, we'll have to braid my hair. Could probably do with a bath as well..."

***

The toe of my boot tapped against the stone floor of the kitchens, echoing ever-so-slightly. With the picnic rapidly approaching, my earlier jitters had intensified into a full-body anxious thrumming. Standing around waiting certainly didn't help, but I was terrified of choosing the wrong menu and had therefore hung around the kitchens for over an hour.

One of the cooks emerged from the manor's larder, red in the face and out of breath. The older woman presented me with a plate of small samples. "Braised mushrooms, boar in sour plum sauce, and steamed barley with herbs, if your Princess pleases."

"Right." I plucked a fork from the counter beside me and took a single bite of each. A glimmer of hope shone in the cook's eye as she watched me eat--hope that I wouldn't change my mind for a fourth time and have her go make something else.

The flavors were strong and pleasant, if a bit basic, and seemed to mesh well together. Still... "Do you think it's too woodsy? I don't want to come off like I'm pandering to her."

The cook shook her head emphatically. "Not too woodsy at all, Princess Penelope. A perfect fit for the afternoon's outing, if I do say so myself."

"And will this travel well?"

"Perfectly well, Princess."

"...and you think she'll like it?" My voice came out quiet, nearly a whisper.

"I do. And I know she'll be flattered by how much thought you put into it." She was probably just saying that.

It still made me feel a little better.

"Okay." I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to remember any last details. "And we have a good wine pairing?"

"Several, my Princess. Would you like to choose?" The cook's voice was brimming with relief. She set her tray down on the table and massaged her tired hands.

"I trust your judgment. Oh, and add a cheese course as well--but hide it in a corner of the basket." I wasn't sure if Natalia liked cheese or not, so I'd decided to casually ask at some point during lunch and then choose whether or not to reveal the cheese course based on her answer. A classic gambit.

The cook suppressed a chuckle. "Hidden cheese. Yes. Right away, Princess Penelope. Very wise of you."

***

"You're certain the horses are well behaved?" My arms were crossed in front of my chest as I addressed the carriage driver, a stocky man who seemed vaguely baffled by me.

"Uh, yeah. Good as they come, Princess. Got the boys in the stables treating them real nice." He stuck his thumbs into the pockets of his trousers.

I cocked my head to one side. "Not too nice, I hope."

All the necessary preparations had already been made, leaving me roiling with anxiety but unable to channel it into anything productive--hence my granular interrogation. Even as I recognized the stupidity of my questions, a small part of me still believed they were absolutely necessary; what if I didn't ask about the horses, and they turned out to be total menaces who ruined everything and made Natalia stop speaking to me? What if our only chance at genuine connection was interrupted by the carriage running over a hole in the road and causing us to bump our heads? What if--

"Uh. Not too nice or too...not nice. The perfect amount of nice for making a good horse. My Princess."

"Excellent." A dilemma presented itself: I didn't have any more questions, but if I ended the conversation I'd be alone with my neuroses. I'd tried that earlier, and had ended up standing in my bedroom wondering if I was destined to always push everyone away and be miserable. Inane questions about horses were infinitely preferable to that. "What do you feed them?"

As the driver provided a detailed accounting of his horses' diets, my mind drifted. The wandering thoughts weren't his fault--he seemed perfectly pleasant--but rather indicated the folly of trying to distract myself. No matter where I placed my conscious attention, my subconscious remained entirely focused on what was to come. My palms were slick with sweat. My mouth was dry. My stomach spun and tumbled about restlessly.

"...and sometimes we give them apples and carrots if they've been good and the kitchens have extra."

"Seems appropriate." I nodded absently.

"Yes, my Princess. It makes them big and strong." The carriage driver coughed politely into his hand. "Was there anything else? Otherwise, we can prepare to set off."

Last chance to procrastinate. "Remind me of your name?"

"Arnold, Princess. Arnold Layne."

"Thank you, Arnold." There was no point in delaying any longer. I made for the manor.

***

Four hours after Natalia offered to spend time with me, I descended the staircase of the manor's front hall to meet her. My gloved fingers slid across the smooth, varnished surface of the banister as I held my head high and puffed out my chest, presenting myself to the world.

Then I took another look and realized the hall was empty.

"Shoot," I cursed under my breath. That would have been a spectacular entrance.

Outside the windows, I could see the carriage waiting; maybe Natalia was out there. Donning a wide-brimmed light blue hat, I gestured for a nearby servant to open the front door so I could graciously and daintily step outside. My eyelashes fluttered; I kept the slightest little pout on my face to convey aloof sophistication.

The pout became far more significant once I realized Natalia wasn't outside either.

I spun around and stomped my foot on the cobblestone path. "Where is she?"

Nearby servants either shrugged or ignored me.

Letting out a cross between a choked groan and a high whine, I clenched my fists and grit my teeth. The tiny deviation from my plan was already putting me off balance, forming cracks in my projected confidence. Beneath it lay not a composed, charming princess, but a flustered girl trying hard not to panic on her first real date.

Unable to stay still, I settled for pacing the front path until Natalia arrived. The toe of my boot jabbed down into loose stones every few steps, sending bits of gravel scattering as an impotent sign of my displeasure.

"Sorry I'm late!" the Princess-consort finally called out as she exited the manor. Thankfully, my back was to her, giving me a moment to steady myself and put on a winning smile.

"Think nothing of it." I turned to face her, only for a gasp to escape my lips.

Natalia was dressed as a true ranger; leather boots, dark green cloak, leggings and a long tunic. Her curls were styled enough to indicate some effort on her part, but unkempt enough to project her usual rugged handsomeness. Best of all, the sleeves of her linen shirt were snug enough to offer tantalizing hints of musculature. She was every bit the picture of a woman who had mastered the untamed wilds, and it made my body temperature skyrocket.

"Oh," I finally forced out, realizing how absurd I must have looked gaping at her. "You're...you look...fantastic. Absolutely gorgeous. Wow." I winced internally at my choice of words, which had managed to be both barely coherent and much too forward.

My embarrassment was eased somewhat when I realized Natalia was blushing nearly as brightly as I, though. "You look gorgeous too."

The warmth deep in my core graduated to pointed heat. "Ah. Thank you."

"Of course."

An awkward beat of silence followed.

"Shall we?" I gestured to the carriage.

Natalia nodded, sweeping her cloak behind her as she strode forward. The sight made me feel faint.

We settled into the carriage and signaled the driver to depart. "Arnold is driving us today," I declared, watching Natalia to see if she was impressed I knew his name. She wasn't.

With a stern word and a tug of the reins Arnold set off, conducting an orchestra of creaking wood and clacking hooves. Inside, meanwhile, Natalia and I quickly realized we were both bad at holding idle chatter--she had never needed to learn how, and I'd always refused to. More than once our polite talk of the weather or the manor faded into quietly watching the countryside. Fields of scraggly wildflowers melded into swathes of color as we passed them by, serving as brushstrokes upon a canvas of green and beige brush. Further away, wooden fences and grazing livestock indicated the presence of farmland.

Pleasant as they were, the sights only offered brief distractions from Natalia. My eyes often discreetly drifted back to my companion, drinking in the sight of her. Not only out of desire; I also searched her expression for some hint as to her thoughts. Was she happy to be here? Did she think I was pretty? Was the carriage ride too bumpy for her? It was awfully bumpy, wasn't it? Whatever the reason, Natalia appeared somewhat tense. Her posture was stiff, and she only moved to shift her head for a different view or to clasp and unclasp her hands in her lap.

Wanting to put her at ease, I decided to say whatever came to mind in an attempt to fill the silence. "The horses driving us are very healthy."

Oh Goddess, why did that have to be my first thought?

Natalia blinked and turned her powerful gaze toward me, the corners of her mouth twitching upward. "Oh?"

"I talked to Arnold about it today. He said...um...he feeds them carrots and apples. Sometimes." I was an idiot. I was a big dumb idiot, and that was why I had opened my idiot mouth and something stupid had come out.

"I see." Swallowing a laugh, Natalia shifted in her seat so she could lean back. "I had a horse for many years. Named him Augustus. Worked for months to get the coin to buy him; owning a steed allowed me to join Her Majesty's Army as a scout, earn rank much quicker. He was the most arrogant, prideful beast I've ever met. Made it feel that much more special once he let me ride him."

"Did you ride him into battle?" My eyes widened at the idea of Natalia in full armor leading a charge.

She laughed, the sound like distant thunder on a summer afternoon. "Not in the way you're imagining. A few squabbles here and there. Dodging a few stray arrows while scouting siege camps. Nothing major."

"What happened to him?" I noticed I was leaning forward, drawn in by the tale.

"Gave him to my cousin Melia once I agreed to marry you. I briefly thought about keeping him, but I didn't think he'd like staying in one place for a long time. Besides, Melia's a good kid."

"Oh. I'm sorry." Guilt flared up in me. Despite my own lamentations about lost freedom and my life being ruined, I'd never considered how the marriage had impacted Natalia. All the things that made her eyes light up when she discussed them had been taken away from her and replaced with a world of fake laughter, endless judgment, and me.

I winced. How on Earth had I ever imagined I could get her to like me?

Natalia glanced out of the window and shrugged, not noticing my dejection. "He'll be alright. I'm not worried."

The carriage slowed to a stop soon after at the bottom of a hill, with Arnold hopping out his seat to open the doors and let us out. I retrieved the picnic basket from him.

"Holler when you're ready for me, my Princess," he said, tipping his hat. "Enjoy your lunch."

"Thank you, Arnold."

With Arnold staying behind to give us privacy, Natalia and I embarked on the short climb to our destination: A collection of flat rocks situated at the top of the hill. Positioned right where the fields met the forest, any direction we looked out in offered a unique view of the local landscape. Natalia excitedly walked a slow circle around the hilltop right away, taking everything in.

While she went on her little tour, I focused on the precise motions of place-setting to distract from my lingering guilt. I spread a tablecloth over the lowest, smoothest rock, then laid out plates, glasses, and cutlery in an orderly fashion. Last but not least, I arranged covered platters filled with our lunch and carefully removed their lids. There. A lovely looking table; something I had definitively done well.

Natalia flashed a quarter smile as she looped back around toward me, eyeing the spread. "Wow. Quite the arrangement."

Oh Goddess, had I set the table wrong? Was it too formal? It was too formal. I was intruding on her natural space with my obnoxious etiquette; fitting, I supposed--

"Is everything alright?" She knelt down across the rock from me, making eye contact I in no world was capable of reciprocating. Suddenly, I realized I was clutching a salad fork tight enough that my hand was trembling.

"Fine!" The offending fork dropped down onto my plate as I forced my hand to loosen. I flinched at the resulting clatter. "You know what? Why don't we forget about the cutlery and rules and just use whatever we like? I mean, we're in the wilds after all!" A purely manufactured giggle followed my ramblings.

Natalia watched my performance of cheerfulness with no shortage of puzzlement, but didn't remark on it. "Sure, if you like." She rolled her shoulders and sat back onto the grass, her muscles incidentally flexing as she sought a comfortable position. "This is a beautiful spot, by the way. Well chosen."

I lowered my gaze bashfully, the warmth of her praise clashing with and temporarily overwhelming my angst. "Thank you. I'm glad you like it."

Natalia reached toward the bottle of wine on our makeshift table, then stopped herself. "May I?"

I nodded.

Drawing a wicked knife from her boot, she stabbed the cork and had it halfway out before noticing the corkscrew next to the bottle. "Oh. Um. Sorry." She stiffened, suddenly unsure of herself.

"I don't mind!" came my hurried reply. Which was true--the display had drawn the curiosity of my inner delinquent. "...How do you keep that from falling into your shoe?" I'd tried tying makeshift lock picks and other contraband to my ankles with string before, but the arrangement had always been clunky at best.

Still looking vaguely embarrassed, Natalia pulled her boot off a few inches to reveal a band of leather around her ankle with a small scabbard attached.

My eyes went wide in awe. "That's so cool."

She shrugged, sheathing her knife again and pouring each of us a glass of wine. "Just a tool. Nothing more, nothing less," she remarked, not realizing that made her seem even more cool.

Before I could continue gushing, she raised her glass. "To new beginnings."

Beginnings of what? Living in a new place? Being married? Something more? In the course of trying to figure out what she meant, my brain tripped over itself and fell down a flight of stairs. I gaped blankly at her for a few seconds, then gave up and raised my glass. "To new beginnings."