Lost & Found Ch. 01

Just then a messenger arrived. "Mr. Anderson, your party has arrived, your meeting is in the Green Suite, please follow the signs to your left."

"Anderson?" whispered Casey.

"Of course I changed my name, Casey; did you really think I could stand to spend the rest of my life being one of you?" he murmured, furious at Casey for disturbing him so, for stirring up the old resentments, for being here when his life worked so well without her or any of the others.

The encounter had unsettled him, bringing all the old hurt and angers back to the surface, colouring his interaction with the distributors, paradoxically making them more eager than ever to invest in new product. Robbie was normally mild, compliant, amiable at these meetings, virtually rubber-stamping the distributors' requirements, letting them make suggestions and demands, confident he and the other programmers could come up with the right solution or work-around; it was what kept him on his game, constantly innovating to stay ahead of the pack.

Now he drove them, brow-beating them into accepting his terms, refusing to compromise, bending them to his requirements, telling them what they'd get, not what they wanted to hear, and what it would now cost to get exactly what they wanted, promising them increased playability, more and faster levels of game-play, enhanced engines and adaptability, and future-generation capabilities and options in return.

The meeting broke up with happy faces all round, and as they filed out of the conference suite, there was Casey, waiting for him again, tears glimmering in her eyes. He sighed; much as he wanted to tell her to fuck off, forever, her persistence had also gotten to him, so he walked over to her.

"OK, you got me, so talk," he said. "Not here, Robbie, somewhere private, please!" she begged, so he acquiesced, taking her to his room.

Once inside, he got two sodas from the mini-bar, handed her one and sat down on the couch opposite her. "Talk, Casey, you wanted to talk, say your piece and leave!"

She sat with her hands in her lap, nervously twisting her fingers together, looking down, before beginning to speak, her voice hushed, and tears not far away.

"Robbie, what we did was unforgivable, and I can't ask you for forgiveness, I have no right, not after the way I treated you. Mom and Dad taught me to look down on you instead of looking up to you, and I was too young to understand how I was hurting you, even as I watched myself doing it; it was just easier to do it, watch Mom and Dad do nothing about it, do it again, because I could. I learned to forget I had a big brother, and I ignored the fact that he needed me. You were our punching bag, and all we ever did was dump on you."

"I can never forgive myself for not being there for you. I'm sorry, truly sorry. I would give my right arm for the chance to turn back the clock, do it over again, but do it right. That's not possible, but I wanted you to know that's how I felt and how I feel now. I should have allowed myself to love my big brother, and I'm sorry, truly."

Robbie was mildly impressed; apparently she'd grown up a little, no longer the little airhead she was when he'd left.

"So, when did this realisation suddenly come on you?" he asked, unable to keep the twist of bitterness out of his voice, her head snapping up, eyes wide open as the question cracked out at her, eyes dropping once more, to answer him.

"Mrs Anderson told me what Mom and Dad had done to you. And it made me think of all the times where you weren't included or hadn't been allowed-in, all the things we did without you, the places we went and the vacations we had, all of them with a blank space where you should have been, and I realised I couldn't remember a single time I'd ever seen you happy, or smile, or be hugged, or...." Casey dissolved into tears, guilt and sorrow finally catching her again.

Robbie handed her another handkerchief, and waited for her to compose herself. When she'd dried off a little, she continued. "I tried to find you, I really did. I asked everyone who knew you, put ads in local and national newspapers, searched the internet, nothing. I even risked asking Joey. The first time, he told me to fuck off, just like you did, and I deserved it. Eventually I got up the nerve to ask him again and he told me he hadn't seen or heard from you since you took off, asked me if I was proud of what I'd done, what we'd all done."

Robby smiled thinly. "Good old Joey, he always knew how to keep his mouth shut!"

Casey looked puzzled, and then understanding dawned. "Joey's always known where you were, hasn't he?" she asked wonderingly, and Robbie nodded.

"Of course. He did for me what family does; he had my back. He was always there when I needed him. He comes see me every so often, spends a week or so, and Sarah too. They're my family, they always were; they kept me from going insane around you and your people. Sarah's the only mother I ever had, not your mother, not Angie."

Casey's lip trembled as she realised just how deep was the cut he'd made to sever his link with her. "Poor, abandoned Robbie, they gave you what we should have, they kept you safe when we failed so miserably. I hope God will forgive me, I have no right to ask you to, but I just wanted you to know, I tried for so long to find you, just so I could tell you this. I'll go now; your secret's safe with me; Mom will never know where you are, she doesn't deserve to." She looked at him, tears still glimmering in her eyes. "We took everything away from you, and gave you nothing in return; I'm so sorry."

Robbie had had enough of punishing her; she was obviously in distress, she seemed genuinely remorseful over what had gone before, and he was feeling sorry for her now, for her grief and sorrow, and to be completely honest, ashamed of himself for being so hostile in the face of her obvious pain. He stood up, and took her hand, gently urging to stand so he could help her dry her eyes, his compassionate nature reasserting itself as he guided her to the sofa. Sitting her down next to him, Casey buried her head in his shoulder as she sobbed, her arm around him, crying her guilt, and loss, and shame.

Eventually her sobs died away, Robbie patting her back as though she were three years old, hiccups giving way to murmuring as her grief played itself out, to look up at him."I'm sorry, I got your jacket all wet" she smiled, tremulously, Robbie just smiled back, the first real smile she'd ever seen on him, she realised with a shock, tears starting in her eyes again.

Robbie looked at her quizzically, and she smiled tremulously. "I've never seen you smile before, it's lovely, you have such a sweet smile." Her face clouded up. "That's something else we have to pay for; we stole your smile. Oh Robbie, you poor boy! How you must have hurt!" Casey hugged him tight, pulling herself against him.

Robbie held her helplessly as she dry sobbed, the years of guilt flaring up again. He was nonplussed. He'd not dealt with a situation like this before, so he resorted to once again patting her back, varying it with smoothing her hair and making soothing noises as she burrowed against him, hands clutching at him as she shook and sobbed. Finally, in desperation, he put both his arms around her and hugged her close, reflecting that this seemed to be a day for firsts; hugging his sister was a first for him, as was she hugging him, talking to him, and smiling at him.

Eventually she let go of him, wiping her eyes, as she straightened herself up, smiling shyly at him and getting a shy smile in return, then pulling herself closer to him, leaning on him as she collected her thoughts.

"Robbie, Mom won't hear from me where you are, or who you are now. How you want to deal with the parents is up to you, not a word from me, I promise. I looked back though the family photo albums, looking for a picture of you; but they all start with me. You never got to have a yearbook picture taken, so we don't even have that to remind us of what you look like; not that I ever needed it, but to see nothing in our family record only made it worse; we never included you at all, in anything. I couldn't believe we have almost no record of you at all, virtually no sign you'd ever been part of the family, just one anonymous baby picture, without even Mom and Dad holding you; it could be a picture of anyone, not even a member of the family..."

Robbie looked sideways at her. "Because I wasn't, don't you know that yet?" immediately regretting the tone and comment as she flinched.

She continued nervously. "The word got out about...you know, us, and Dad's business suffered, some graffiti around town, smashed windows, some contracts cancelled, so he paid, but only in a very small way. You remember Karen, Joey's girlfriend? She was on the squad with me, and, I guess Joey told her what had happened; she cornered me in the locker room and slapped me around; she was really furious. She passed the word around, and then the whole school was mad at me, even the other girls in the squad; if I'd ever looked, I'd have realised just how many people liked you, looked up to you even. The whole school knew about the scholarship, the principal had already made a plaque for you, the first Berkeley Computer Science scholarship ever awarded to one of his students; he had a ceremony planned for you, everything; he was furious with me, he wanted to suspend me. I was going to leave, change schools, get away somehow, but Mom made me stay, forced me to stay, really, and made me graduate. On Graduation Day, everyone cold-shouldered me, no one clapped, people booed me, and I deserved it. I guess that, more than anything, brought home to me what I'd done, what I allowed to happen."

Robbie glanced at his wallet on the table, the picture of him with Joey and Karen at their engagement party last year in San Francisco in the inside cover, and returned his gaze to Casey. He thought briefly what she'd said, about Karen; she'd said nothing to him at the party about confronting Casey.

"So, Robbie, what do you do that brings you to Sacramento?" asked Casey tremulously, visibly trying to lighten the mood.

He grinned. "I'm a game designer, I'm here meeting the distributors to thrash out what the requirements will be for the next generation of games; you know, nerd-stuff!"

Casey smiled back. "Sounds complicated, Sarah told us you were very smart, she obviously wasn't wrong!"

He was pleased Casey thought he was bright, and it unsettled him; why should he care what she thought? But he did. Casey, on the other hand was remembering the feel of him when she hugged him; as far as she could tell, he was all muscle, his chest felt like teak, solid dense muscle mass, his arms like steel cables in their firmness and rigidity. She'd never looked at him properly before, so she'd never realised he was so tall, or so toned.

He'd taken his jacket off, and she could see he must have at least a 42" chest, tapering down to probably a 30" waist, wide shoulders, and long legs with tight muscular buttocks. She realised with a start she was checking out her brother, and had to admit to herself, with his expression of mild good humour restored, his wavy, bright chestnut hair, his soft brown eyes and his upright posture, he was a very attractive young man.

This disturbed her; she was not supposed to think this way about her brother, especially one she had treated so badly he'd run away and disappeared.

"So Casey, what are you doing tonight, boyfriend, fiancé, plans? Because if you have none, I'm at a loose end, perhaps we can get dinner, tell me about your life!" said Robbie, surprising himself, but also wanting to make it up to her a little after setting-off her grief-stricken outburst with his own hard-edged hostility. Casey smiled. "I'm free now, and no, no boyfriend. If I can freshen up, I'll take you around my home town; perhaps show you places you don't know yet."

"Wait, you live here now?" asked Robbie, "what about your parents?"

Casey grinned. "I did a degree in Hospitality and Hotel Management at UC Davis, now I'm working in the graduate intern program for this hotel chain. I'm done for the week, so I'm free, we can take your car or mine, there are some good restaurants I know!"

They went down to the parking garage, where Casey gaped at Robbie's car, a Storm-Gray Bentley Continental GT, insisting on walking around and looking at it from all angles. "Wow! What a car, Robbie, you must be doing well!" she gasped, and Robbie grinned shyly. "I got lucky with a game last year, the royalty payments bought it. Actually, it was Joey's idea, that way he gets to drive it around when he comes to see me!

They explored the town a little, Casey showing him some of the less well known parts, before settling on a nice little steak house, enjoying their first ever meal together as brother and sister. After the meal, they talked about their lives. Casey admitted that, after he'd left, she'd been almost paralysed with guilt, and it had taken intensive therapy to make her face that guilt before she could function normally again. Steve and Angie had become almost recluses, aware of what they'd done but unwilling to accept their guilt, still completely emotionally constipated when it came to him, instead shutting themselves away in their business.

They moved on to lighter topics; his studies, her choice of a career in Hospitality, her ambitions to move into Corporate Leisure Management one day.

At last they broke it up, Casey had something she needed to do at home in the morning, and Robbie was supposed to be heading home himself for a long weekend, so he took her back to the hotel to get her car, and invited her back to his room for a nightcap.

By now, they were at ease in each other's company, friends at last, and, after sitting and chatting for a while, Casey made to leave, so Robbie stood, Casey hugging him, pulling his head down for a peck on the cheek. She maintained the hug, thinking to herself, "It could have been like this years ago, all along, why the hell did I have to treat him so badly?" and pulled him down to kiss his cheek again in apology, but changed her mind on an impulse, kissing him on the lips instead, startling him into immobility, and then his arms wrapped around her as he drew her in, his lips parting as he kissed her back, with her tongue slipping into his mouth to touch his tongue momentarily. Her arms tightened around his neck as she clung to him. They stayed locked together for a few more moments, lips pressed together as she probed his mouth with her tongue, then drew back to look into each other's eyes.

"What the hell was that that?" he murmured, looking at her as he felt his lips tingling from the pressure of her soft lips, the slightly stunned expression on her face, and the feel of her pressed against him. Casey was the first to move, stroking his face with her fingertips, running her hand through his hair, tipping his lips with her fingertips, looking at him closely. "You know, Robbie, I spent so much time looking at myself, I never noticed how cute you are!" she smiled. "Just imagine, I had a hottie of my very own in my home all the time, and I never noticed him!"

Robbie flushed, embarrassed at what she said. Casey looked at him closely. "Has no-one ever told you what a cute boy you are, Robbie? Someone must have tried to take a bite at some time, surely!"

He flushed even deeper. "Truth is, Casey, after all that ....business at home, I sort of avoided any...contact with other people, other than work-related, and to be honest, well, you're the first girl who's ever kissed me...." he trailed off, looking away in embarrassed confusion.

Casey pulled his face back round so she could look at him properly. "Robbie, are you honestly trying to tell me you've never been kissed, that you're still a virgin? A gorgeous guy like you? Oh my God, what a waste!"

He tried to explain. "Look, where I work, the type of work we do, there's not a lot of scope for meeting girls, all the developers and programmers are guys like me, so we sort of lean into it, worry about deadlines and delivery milestones, long hours and long weeks. Romance kind of gets left at the starting gate...."

Casey was incredulous. Her mind seemed to be thinking on two tracks at once; one track was thinking; back home, a body like his, looks like his, he would have been mobbed by every unattached girl in sight, and not a few attached ones as well, and he had no inkling just how gorgeous he really was; this was just too much!

But the other track was thinking more sobering thoughts; did we really push him so far into himself that he's incapable being aroused, of having a sexual relationship? Dear God, what have we done to him?

"Robby," she began, "I think you and I should talk, but not here, over there" pointing to the bed. "Come with me!" So saying, she led him to the bed, pulling off his tie and undoing his top button. Robbie sat down on the bed, Casey slipping off her jacket and pulling her blouse out of her waistband, taking off her cravat, and undoing the top two buttons of her blouse. She kicked off her shoes and slid onto the bed, patting it beside her, beckoning Robbie up to lie down next to her, confusion and trepidation showing on his face.

"Relax, Robbie, I'm not going to bite you!" not yet anyway, she thought to herself. "Robbie, have you ever wondered about, you know, girls, relationships and sex, and what to do, and how to get the most out of it?"

He blushed scarlet. "Well, I sort of know the basics and I always thought.....umm, er, no, not really, I don't know about it, no," he admitted, flushing again. "Why are you asking me, why do you want to know?"

"Robbie, did you never look on the internet at home, anywhere?"

Robbie mumbled "No, I didn't have a computer at home." No, you didn't, did you? I did, but you had nothing you poor, lost, boy, she thought, guiltily.

"We can't use the internet at work, for obvious reasons, and I won't have a PC or laptop at home, not after sitting on one 14 hours a day at work. So no, I don't have any reason or inclination to surf the internet, if that's what you're asking!"

No curiosity at all! How deep does this go? What else have we done to him? thought Casey.

"Relax, Robbie, relax and kiss me, you do it good and I want you to kiss me again!" smiled Casey, sliding down to pull Robbie toward her, his hand falling onto her flat stomach. She pulled his head down to her, her lips finally meeting his, her hand resting on the back of his head as he kissed her softly, almost tasting her, his tongue darting in to lick and brush against her tongue, their breathing rates increasing as they kissed and tasted each other's lips and tongues.

Robbie broke, to look at her strangely. "We shouldn't be doing this; you're my sister, this is what boyfriends and girlfriends do, not brothers and sisters. We have to stop this right now!" Suddenly, all the past humiliations, all the loss and the life denied, the hurt he'd endured from this girl flared up inside him. He pulled away from her, looked at her, anger flashing in his eyes.

This was Casey! Everything she'd done to him, everything she'd taken from him, now she wanted to make out with him? Not gonna happen! One evening of friendly chat, and she wanted to waltz back into his life? Pretend nothing happened? No!

Casey looked at him in confusion, seeing his eyes flash and harden, sensing a shutter slamming down behind his eyes, and now he was getting back off the bed, looking at her strangely, hostility creeping into his gaze.

"This was a bad idea, Casey, I should never have invited you here, spoken to you, everything. I don't need you in my life. You found me, you've said what you needed to say, I hope that eased your burden, now you should go, so please leave, I have an early start tomorrow."