Lost and Found Ch. 02

Her certainty that she had to address this matter remained, although she had become certain of other things as well. Namely that it was a ploy. That it had been a ploy. She didn't believe for a second that Cameron had helped June out of the goodness of his heart. She wasn't sure that the man had any goodness in his heart. His visit with June had come before their ill-fated meeting at the Christmas party, of that she was sure, which meant that he had intended to level it her that night. But the plot had never come to fruition. He had never waved his good deed in her face. Had he realized that she would see straight through him?

She sat with the dappled shade falling across her face, stewing. At last she lifted her phone. His contact was just as she'd left it. And she wouldn't lie to herself -- she'd spent enough sleepless nights staring at it, trying to get up the nerve to call him. Or to block home, if that was what she really wanted. She'd spent too long trying to figure out what she wanted. She'd been paralyzed, unable to do anything. The stupidest thing was that she still didn't know, even now.

She pressed the phone icon with her heart in her mouth and put the phone up to her ear, not giving herself any time to reconsider. She imagined him watching the call coming in, imagined him calculating. One ring, that would be too soon. Two, still too soon. Three, just right.

His voice flooded her ears. He sounded, to her satisfaction, satisfactorily shocked.

"Lila?"

"Yes, it's me," she said. She found herself breathless. "I'd like to keep this as short as possible, if you don't mind. We need to talk."

"Talk? We can talk." She imagined him settling down at his desk. Perhaps he was in Boston, in the cramped study of that beautiful little apartment, or maybe elsewhere. She wondered about the kitten he'd gotten her, which would be fully grown now. Had he returned it to the shelter? She liked to think it was curled up beside him. "What do you want to talk about? I have to say, it was a surprise seeing you yesterday."

He didn't say the rest, that it was a surprise for her to call now. She brushed him off quickly. She couldn't trust herself not to spill everything over the phone.

"I meant in person," she said bluntly. "I want to talk in person. May I give you my address? We have a housewarming party tomorrow, I think I mentioned it during our meeting. You can come. If you're available, of course."

"In person. Okay, in person." She again felt the satisfaction of having knocked him off his feet, a rare feeling. "All right, what's your address? I'll write it down."

"36 Sagamore Lane. That's in Medford. We're on the first floor... the door on the right when you come through the screener. Tori's big on party decor, so there'll probably be a banner up. Two PM. Don't be late."

"And would you ladies like me to bring a gift? Alcohol, perhaps?" he asked.

He sounded like he was joking. That was bad. Jokes were too personal, too likely to cut her open and expose everything. And she couldn't have that.

"Yes, you may bring a gift if you like," she said coldly.

"Lila, is something the matter?"

"Nothing's the matter. I just want to talk. So we'll talk tomorrow."

"Fine," he said. There was a long pause. "So... goodbye. Until tomorrow, that is."

"Until tomorrow," she said, and hung up. She stood up, but quickly sat back down, finding herself dizzy. The sun seemed to have gotten brighter in the small space of time the call had occupied. Her mouth was dry. She felt queasy. Aftereffects of her hangover? It took her a full five minutes to recover herself enough to limp up the steps and back inside. Tori was at the table, arranging a bouquet in the center.

"You can invite Jonas," Lila said, offhand.

"Seriously?" Tori's blue eyes fixed on her. "I wasn't going to. You've seemed a little down on him lately. But if you want me to..."

"Yeah. I want you to. How many people are coming, anyway?"

"We-ell, I may have invited over half of my econ class, and that's twenty people already. Greg's bringing plenty of beer, and Adam said he'll contribute his heavy duty speaker, so we're all set on that front. I know, I know, I was supposed to stop stringing them along, but it's so convenient. Anyway, I slipped a note under Maureen's door this morning so she has fair warning. One party won't kill her, I'm sure."

"Hey, let's keep it down. We want to be good neighbors." Lila leaned over the table, stretching her aching back. "Gosh, I'm beat."

"Yeah, after that mini-bender yesterday, I bet, you lightweight." Tori leaned over and punched Lila lightly on the shoulder. "Go get some rest. I'll finish up the big decoration numbers. Oh, and did I tell you the beds arrived while you were out? The guys who set them up were very polite. One of them left me his number. Only thing is... I forgot we need mattresses!"

Lila rolled her eyes, peering through her bedroom door. There was, in fact, a bed frame in her previously empty room. And it was, in fact, mattress-less.

"So I ordered a couple from one of those big box companies. Just a few more days, and then we can get back to our beauty sleep." Tori gave Lila a push into her room. "Go on. You look like you're about to pass out."

Lila said nothing, but stepped into her room, kicking the door halfway shut behind her. She collapsed onto her cot, her aching shoulders crying out in frustration. When she rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling, her heart hammered, refusing to slow in its swift, steady drumbeat. Her head buzzed. What had she done? What had she just done? She'd invited Cameron to the housewarming party, and now she couldn't even stomach the thought of telling Tori what she'd done.

A little groan escaped her mouth. Her friend's head poked through the crack of the door.

"You okay in there?"

"Fine," Lila mumbled, rolling back onto her side. She pulled her blanket over her head. In the dark cocoon, her heart continued to beat hard and harder. Behind it, the conviction remained.

She had to talk to Cameron.

At one forty-five, a safe fifteen minutes before the potential arrival of guests, Lila went down with Tori to hang a welcome banner over their front door. She arranged a small stand of balloons by the screener and watched Tori get up on a chair and struggle with the banner, which did nothing to cool her nerves. It only gave her flashbacks to a certain birthday party of Robert's, at the beginning of which she and Cameron had kissed in a closet.

She pushed it from her mind. Many things might happen today, but that was certainly not one. It was out of the question.

"You okay?" Tori asked her, slapping the right side of the banner into place. "You look a little faint. Have you been hydrating?"

Lila glared up at her friend and quickly counted on her fingers.

"I've drunk eight glasses already, and we're only halfway through the day," she said. "I'm pretty sure I'm hydrated. It's just... hot."

"It's sixty-five degrees, Lila," Tori said, glancing at the thermometer on the wall near their neighbor's door. "That's perfect spring weather."

"Don't worry about me," Lila said. She dropped onto the wicker loveseat by the door. "Do you need help with anything else, or can I just hang out here for a bit?"

"You can hang. Greet the guests when they arrive." Tori checked her watch. "Though I wouldn't expect anyone for another half hour minutes, at least. You know our crowd. They're not exactly punctual."

Lila did know their crowd, and she agreed, except that she knew someone who was punctual, and she also knew that she'd told him not to be late. She sat in the wicker couch with her head pressed against the anteroom wall, the ridges on the thin boards digging into her scalp. A minute dragged on, and then five. The neighbor's door opened, and Maureen came out with her dog on its leash.

"Hey, Patch," Lila said, bending to let the beagle give her kisses. She was glad to have something to take her mind off her conundrum of the present. "Hey, Maureen."

"How's it going, Lila? Getting ready for your little party? Tori said it might be rocking." Maureen grinned at her. "It's okay, I'm only twenty-five, I was in college not too long ago. Oh, here, this is for the two of you. Just a little embroidery thing I picked up at the store. I thought it would be a good decoration for spring."

"Thank you!" Lila breathed, accepting the gift. "It's beautiful. We'll put it up in the hall. Thank you so much."

"You're welcome. The two of you are already much better neighbors than the old guys, those pigs." Maureen rolled her eyes to heaven and clicked her tongue. "All right, Patch, let's get going. See you later, Lila."

"See you," Lila said.

She watched Maureen and her dog make their way down the lane, toward the tree-lined gravel path that led to the park. Then she leaned back again, her heart picking up pace once more. What was she going to do? Could she tell him she'd made a mistake and turn him away immediately? Would she be able to do that, once his eyes fixed on her? She had just closed her eyes, furrowing her brow in concentration, when she heard a car door open and close on the street and then footsteps on the stoop. Her eyes flew open, one hand darting to her throat.

But it wasn't Cameron. It was Jonas Keaton, and he was grinning at her through the screener.

"Did I wake you up?" he asked, slipping into the anteroom. "I'm sorry. You look tired."

"Gee, thanks, Jonas," Lila said darkly.

"Mind if I sit?" he asked.

She did actually mind, but moved over nonetheless to make space for him on the loveseat. He dropped down. The wicker groaned beneath their collective weight. She glanced across at him. Each time they saw each other, it seemed, she had to make up her mind again about him, and again and again the answer was the same: he was undeniably good looking, maybe even her type, but not the young man for her.

"So you all done with finals?" he asked, slinging an arm around her shoulders.

She glanced from side to side. There was no obvious escape. Of course she could have excused herself to help Tori upstairs, but he would follow, and she wanted to intercept Cameron at the door to minimize the chances of Tori biting his head off when he came inside the house presumably, at least as far as she was concerned, uninvited.

"Yeah. Finished a couple days ago. You?" she asked.

Jonas's fingers danced idly against her shoulder through the puffed sleeve of her blouse.

"Yeah, I finished last week," he said. He straightened a little, drawing himself up higher. "I have an internship lined up for the summer, actually. Connecting with your father has really done me some good, it seems. Schar and Elmhurst here we come, baby."

"That's exciting," Lila said glumly, knowing that this was just another opportunity for her mother and Robert to prattle on about what a good catch that Jonas Keaton was.

"So what are we doing this summer?" he asked, giving her a little squeeze. "I want to take you on a little trip."

"Jonas, we've barely even been on a date," Lila said, wincing. "I don't think it's time for us to take a trip together."

"Well, I do. I figure that if I can get you alone for one weekend, things have got to happen between us." He squeezed her harder. His hand had crept down her side to rest against the curve of her hip. "I know you want it, baby. There's no more use playing hard to get. We're perfect for each other. My family knows and respects yours, your father will help line me up a great job straight out of college, I'll take care of you. Doesn't that sound good?"

"He's not my father," Lila said, making a futile attempt to get away. "Let go of me, Jonas! I didn't want to sit with you in the first place. And I'm not looking for anyone to take care of me."

It was then that they both heard footsteps on the stoop, followed by the squeak of the screener's hinges. Lila stiffened, all of the warmth draining out of her body. Jonas's arm, back around her shoulders, tensed where it lay.

Cameron stepped through the screener and into the anteroom which, Lila noted, looked too small for him. He was in slacks and a button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and he was holding a bouquet: yellow roses.

"Cameron," Lila squeaked.

Jonas's fingers dug into her shoulder.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. He got up and interposed himself between Cameron and Lila. "She doesn't want to see you. Do you, baby?"

"Actually, I invited him here," Lila said angrily. She pushed past Jonas and glared at him. "Go inside and bother Tori for a change."

"Okay, fine," he said, holding his hands up as he backed through the open front door, but his expression had darkened. Lila shuddered, the bite of his fingers still palpable on her skin.

Cameron looked down at her.

"Are the two of you together?" he asked, his voice flat.

"No! We are not together," Lila said.

"You were sitting like you were together."

"Well, I didn't want to be sitting like that." She brushed her hair out of her eyes. "Will you come into the backyard with me? Tori doesn't know you're here."

"You didn't tell her? And if you didn't want to be sitting like that, then you should have told him so," he said.

But he followed her out the screener. They went through the driveway to the backyard gate and then out beneath the flowering maple. Cameron looked up, his eyes tracing a line between the tree and the house and then back again before swinging down to rest on Lila, who had dropped, breathless, onto the swinging bench.

"Nice place," he said. "The tree needs to be pruned."

"How in the world would you know something like that?" she asked, her tone blustery.

"Common sense," he said. "But also, my old man was a general contractor. I can't tell you the number of times he enlisted me to crawl into walls to set squirrel traps."

"I like squirrels," Lila said.

"You won't like them when they die in your walls and can't get out. Or when they rip through all your insulation and chew through your shingles. Anyway..." He turned back to her and held out the flowers. "These are for you."

"And not the card in your hand?" she asked, taking the roses. She buried her nose in the blooms and took a long sniff. They smelled beautiful. No one had brought her roses in two years. Not since he had brought her the very same to her high school graduation.

He slipped the envelope into his breast pocket with a small, enigmatic smile.

"That's for Tori," he said.

"Oh, okay." She stared at his pocket, wondering what it could contain. Her feet dragged through the grass beneath the swinging bench. "Any other work you think needs to be done on the house? Tori can badger our landlord."

"I can't tell from here exactly, but if the tree hasn't been pruned, and judging the state of the roof, the gutters probably need a good cleaning. The paint is chipped, but that's all right..." He glanced over at her again. "I could give you a much better survey if you let me inside."

"I don't know if I'm going to let you inside," she said, her hands tightening in her lap. "Maybe we'll just take care of it out here."

"Whatever you want, Lila," he said. He gestured to the empty space next to her on the bench. "May I?"

"Fine," she said, tight-lipped.

He sat next to her. The branch above them swayed a little in accommodation of their weight. She waited a moment with bated breath, but when no arm snuck around her shoulders or her waist, she relaxed.

He leaned over, resting his elbows on his knees. She felt a sudden urge to throw her arms around his neck and hug him, or to run her fingers through his hair. Two years ought to have separated them. But in her heart, she felt that not even two days had gone by.

And that was a dangerous thing, a very dangerous thing. She blinked herself back to focus.

"I was at the soup kitchen yesterday," she said. Her voice sounded odd in her own ears, not quite like her own. "I was about to go in when I saw June standing on the church steps. Do you remember June? She had the little boy, Anthony."

Glancing across, she saw that Cameron had knotted his hands together in front of himself, his knuckles whitening.

"I remember her," he said.

"She had come there to thank me. Imagine that, to thank me." Lila laughed. "I was confused. I didn't know what I'd done. Then she explained it all. Something about a boardinghouse near Fall River and you having stayed there once upon a time and knowing the landlady, so you got them a room. Is that true?"

He sat up, exhaling all his breath.

"That was over a year ago, Lila," he said with a short laugh. "I wanted to do her a good turn."

"Well, she wanted me to thank you for it." A hot flush spread across Lila's cheeks. "She wanted me to do more than that, but it doesn't matter. You didn't want to do her a good turn. You wanted to get to me! You were going to tell me what you'd done at that Christmas party, only you never did. Why didn't you?"

"You know, the world doesn't always revolve around you, Lila," he said, raking a hand through his hair.

"You're not denying it," she said stubbornly. "It was a ploy. It was fuel to get me back with you. So why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you made it clear you didn't want anything to do with me!" he said angrily.

The chains of the swinging bench rattled above their heads, shaken by the force of his anger. Lila said nothing, pressing herself into the very corner of their shared seat. Her feet trailed through the grass. She longed for solid ground.

"Why must you push me?" he asked, turning to her, his voice low and controlled. "I'm not like this. I'm not unhinged like I was when I was younger. But you push me there. Why do you do that? Why can't we have a conversation like adults? I can tell that you aren't a child anymore. So don't act like one. Don't turn me into one, goddammit. Because you don't want to see the type of man I can be."

"You forget I've already seen it," Lila said, her voice low. She raised her eyes to meet his. "Fine, let's talk like adults. What do you want to say?"

"You're not with Jonas Keaton?" he asked.

"No, I'm not with Jonas Keaton."

"And why is Jonas Keaton here?"

She squirmed where she sat, suddenly uncomfortable.

"Because -- Because I didn't want to look lame and have no one here," she admitted at last.

"See, that's childish," Cameron said. He sounded satisfied. "That's the kind of thing you should throw out the window. You're not lame, Lila. I would never think that, and neither should anyone else. It's clear that -- "

Then he stopped.

"Clear that what?" Lila asked. She squeezed the roses to her chest, growing mildly annoyed. "I thought you said talk like adults! Adults don't break off in the middle of sentences and refuse to finish them."

"Fine," he said. He turned to look her square in the eyes. "It's clear that you're hung up on someone in such a way that makes you inaccessible to anyone else. Trust me. I should know."

She let out a little laugh.

"So you think I'm hung up on you," she said.

The words hung for a moment in the space between them.

"Yes, that's exactly what I think," he said. He exhaled again, a long breath, and leaned closer. She could smell his cologne, mingled with the scent of the roses in her arms. "Lila, you made me crazy. For a time I couldn't think straight. You refused to give me closure. Then, at the Christmas party, everything I planned went upside-down. After that I did everything I could think to do to get you out of my head. I went to London, stayed there for months. I went to Singapore. I fucked God knows how many other girls. I drank way too much, tried hard drugs for the first time in my life, but at the other end of the tunnel you were still there. You are still there."