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Click hereI took out my anger on Simon, not because he did or didn’t do what I wanted. It all happened because I couldn’t face my father. I couldn’t tell him he was full of shit. I couldn’t face knowing I was a disappointment, and because I wanted to tell him, force him to see me and acknowledge me, I beat up my best friend, my first love. I now know that it could have been anybody in the locker room. All I saw was my father and his face when I was carving up Simon; because I was too much of a coward to tell him the truth, I was gay. Paul held me through my tears and told me he loved me.
It took him awhile, but I agreed with Paul to go see Simon one last time, to ask him for his forgiveness. I learned through my mother that Simon’s father had moved to San Antonio. Paul and I flew to Texas to see him, to help me put this behind me. I was so nervous that I threw up before we even left our hotel. We drove through miles and miles of homes before we got to the address for Simon and Brian, his lover. When we got there, I knocked on the door with Paul standing behind me. If he hadn’t been there, I know I would have chickened out and never come. The door opened and Brian stood before me. He looked so different from when I had first seen him, because now he was dressed. In a t-shirt and jeans, he was tall and imposing. He looked at me with shock and I stopped him from slamming the door in my face. I explained that I just wanted five minutes of Simon’s time, and then I would leave, forever. He let me in and went upstairs to get Simon, explaining to me that he was studying for a final and that he would be down in a minute. I was shaking. Paul took my hand and squeezed it. I waited, pacing slightly until Simon came downstairs with Brian. He looked different too. He looked stronger. He wasn’t scared of me anymore. For that I was glad.
“Simon, I know you don’t want to talk to me, but I just want to say my peace and then leave.”
His face was impassive, but I could tell he was curious. “Okay.”
“I can never give you an explanation as to why I did what I did.” I swallowed, trying to keep my emotions in check, trying to keep the memories at bay. “I didn’t remember it until you showed me the damage. If I had, I would never have bothered you.”
His face was starting to warm up, he almost smiled. “I know.”
At that I smiled. “You always did know me better than I knew myself.” I sobered my body, schooling myself. “I don’t want to get into the reasons. But I want to apologize. I’m not looking for you to forgive me. But I had to tell you, face to face, how sorry I am. There is no excuse for what I did, but I had to say it anyway.”
He was silent as he faced me. I felt Paul squeeze my hand again. I swallowed hard. I watched Brian reach for Simon, wrapping his arms possessively and protectively around his chest. I am so glad he had found someone. I didn’t know Brian, but he seemed good to Simon and obviously loved him deeply. His eyes softened every time he looked at Simon. Simon cleared his throat.
“I have thought long and hard about that day. I often wondered why. I have a feeling it has to do with your dad. He always wanted you to be stronger, tougher. Am I right?”
His unerring assessment made me uncomfortable, but I could do nothing but be honest. “Yes.”
“It took a lot of courage for you to come here. I admire that. I can forgive you because I have moved on. I no longer fear you. I can’t let that day rule my life anymore.” Simon walked up to me and held out his hand, in peace. “So yes, I accept your apology.”
Tears welled in my eyes. “Thank you.” With that we left. Paul drove us back to the hotel. He didn’t say anything to me, but let me think. My hands were shaking. When we got up to the room, I started trembling. Paul took me by the hand and undressed me and put me to bed. He stripped and crawled in beside me before cradling me to him. He held me until I stopped shaking. It was over. Now I could move on.
When I had stopped shaking, Paul rolled me onto my back and moved between my legs. He parted me with one swift thrust of his hips and nestled into me to the hilt. I arched my back at his invasion, feeling myself quicken. He moved so slowly, gliding over my body, letting the soft hair of his body caress me. I kneaded his smooth, warm skin of his back and butt with my hands and he continued to move. He stroked me, stoking my pleasure. We built up, only to have him stop, breathing hard, waiting for the heat to calm. Then he would push into me again. He did that three times, built us to the edge then pulled back. When he went to stop a fourth time, I gripped his ass in my hands and dug my heels into the back of his thighs and forced him to continue, humping myself against his cock, taking us both over the edge, feeling him deep inside, pumping his soul into me as I spilled my essence against the both of us. He held me tight as I fell asleep, probably the deepest I had slept in the past three years, since that day the nightmares proved to be true.
We returned home to Oregon the next day. Will I ever forget what I did? No. Never. Can I live with what I did? On most days I can. But every once in a while, the memories return. Having Paul by my side to love me helps. In fact if it weren’t for him, I have a feeling I would have either done harm to myself or lost my mind. Simon forgave me. I don’t know how, but he did. When the memories do cloud around me, Paul is always there, willing and happy to fuck them away or hold me until the shaking stops. Will my life be perfect? I hope so. But it’s already pretty damn close.
I understand that Jason was so horrified with what he did to Simon that his subconscious just wiped it out. And when he was finally confronted by that horror he couldn't live with it - his body reacted to the nightmare by making him retch on the sidewalk, with nightmares and terrible self-recrimination.
To think that the person who is supposed to nurture, guide and educate you throughout your young life can also be the one that causes the most terrible trauma, by instigating prejudice, in a word, the destruction of your inner-self - in such a ruinous way, that WILL kill your identity - it nearly did kill somebody in this case, somebody totally innocent who paid with a scarred body and terrifying nightmares. Jason's father had caused it all. Damn him, for being a bigot !
Once again it's love that will cure all. Meeting Paul saved Jason's life and his mind. I'm glad Jason's at peace now.
Loved it DW ! Thanx very much for your wondrous writings ... don't stop ! @v@
Please, please tell me you're getting these published and by whom? Read all of your work. Amazing. Merry Christmas.
I just loved the story.. I got teary eyed a few times while reading.. It was a story well written.. Thanks 4 writing it and keep writing more :)
This story really moved me. I love the emphasize on healing and forgiveness. I love how both parts of the story showed different sides and brought everything together. This was beautiful. Well done. I love it.
Blew me away! Love the two stories told here, it linked together so eloquently.
I usually don't leave a comment unless the story really moved me, and your story did just that! I absolutely loved how you continued the story but you did it from Jasons point of view. Well played! Most stories don't give it from that perspective but yours did!!! Excellent work!!!!!!!
Thannk you. The other comments have said it all. You're a genius.
You write more????!!!!! Lol you've been my favorite author for years! I would really love to read something new by you. I know your life is not all about me but have some compassion damn it! :)
first of all, I haven't left a comment on the first chapter, I usually wait until I read the whole thing. So this comment is for both simon & Brian and Jason & Paul.
Stories are journeys for the mind, the heart and the soul. I pity anyone who when they are immersed in story does not feel to the fullest what they were intended to feel. To them, it does not matter how well a story is written, they will never enjoy it for what it is. That said, the more well-written the story, the more evocative and intense the journey. I figured out a while back that Im a gay man trapped in a women's body. I love men, especially when they sleep together :) they're beautiful, strong and fascinating creatures that don't always make sense to me. The journey of gay men, the emotional story, has always called to me, so much capacity for vulnerability, hatred, violence, love, sex and passion, yet, as most men are, direct and uncomplicated.
Lost & Found is a beautiful story about beauty borne of ugliness. The story is simple and direct, the love between your characters is simple and direct, the emotional journey is anything but. because of that, the simplicity and directness is the perfect framework for such deep and dark feelings, such intense and abiding compassion. Reading your work, I recognise that you are a talented writer who understands why things work and what decisions must be made to make things work.
The story is well-written. For me, the journey was intense. Thank you for giving me that :)
At first I wanted to be angry with Jason. I just didn't understand how he could do what he did...but after I read this story, I understood. I'm very happy that he found happiness and forgiveness. Although I know this doesn't happen in the real world (most times), I'm really grateful to you for the happy ending (I've never enjoyed stories with loose ends). Great job again & please keep writing!!
Thank you for telling Jason's side it was a very touching story.
I would love to read Brian's story he loves Simon so much, I would love to read his thoughts from when he first met Simon the shock when when Simon showed him his scares and told him what happened,the shock when Simon kissed him then the realisation that he was in love with him, to when Jason and Paul came over basically the whole story. Pretty Please!!!!
I absolutely loved this story because of the fact that you not only delved into Jason's side but you brought to light the fact that no one is borne into this world to fear and hate. It is a learned behaviour and in Jason's case he was not only struggling with the confusion he was feeling in realizing he was a young gay man in love, but also dealing with the confusion of having a father who disvaladated and influenced him with his own misconsived poison of such fear and hate. Kids, no matter what age want to be valadated, accepted, and loved for who they are by their parents and Jason didn't get that from his father, thus to me he is the ultimate villan in your story. If he had just accepted and loved his child none of this would have happened... but than again you wouldn't have anything to write about either.
It is a heart renching confusing struggle for a young man in that type of situation to deal with and unfortunatly all too often very real. You have absolutely captured that struggle in this story, your words carried substance by being emotionally discriptive, thought provoking and above all else heartfelt. All of which are qualities that good publishing houses look for in writers. My hats off to you, keep up the good work.
Sincerely,
Avid Reader
I'm really glad that Jason found his own happy ending. I loved reading the story from both POV!
I must admit, when I first found out about Simon's "FAG" written on his cheek, I was absolutely horrified. I thought Jason was a monster.
While I enjoyed the first installment, I think this one about Jason is better. After we see Jason's reaction when he sees the scars in the first installment, I was very curious about what happened to him. Thank God you wrote a second one in his POV.
Great story. Excellent writing. =D
how fitting that you delved into the mind of jason. another stunning story, withe emotional and real characters and plenty of feeling in every word you wrote. well done.
I was shocked to see Jason's story, wondering what you could do with it. I should have known you would work your magic and have us totally caught up in the pain of a young man who sees how he hurt someone he loved. Like wow man. You rock
I nearly hit the back button when I saw this one was from Jason's point of view. I'm glad I didn't. You've done an excellent job getting into his head and sorting through his feelings, motivations, and redemption. You also have a knack for capturing multiple emotional layers while your characters are making love, without getting overly cerebral about it, and you manage to keep it hot at the same time. I look forward to reading more of your stories.
I found Jason's story even more poignant than Simon's. It takes a special gift to portray an understanding of somebody who has committed a horrible act which they regret so terribly. Coming from a catholic family myself, it is nice to see a character like Paul follow their heart. This is my favourite of your stories that I have read. Keep up the good work :-)
A truely great author can make the reader sympathize with any character, not just the first hero. You did an excellent job of doing just that.
I was just a cunt's hair away from not reading this when I realized that it was from Jason's perspective. I was kinda pissed for a second, 'cause I KNEW your objective was to make me empathize with this twisted bastard who was crazy as a shit house RAT!
I'm glad that I decided to give you the benefit of a doubt and read it anyway. Believe me, I TRIED to keep hating him. The problem was that I just couldn't. He wasn't twisted, just kinda bent and trying hard to find a way to straighen himself out.
I'm all fachlempt and shit...tauk amongst yaselves...*snuffle, shuddering breath, obnoxious blowing of nose*...Ugh, ya such a bastid, D! :p~
Moving on to your next story now...*sigh*
wow this one made me tear up too i think i liked this one better than the first don't know why I just do....very good story(ies)