Love Always Wins Pt. 03 Ch. 10-13

The following twenty-four hours were a lot of fun as everybody shared their dream experiences of Terri and asked me again and again about how I had met Terri and what had happened. There were children present, so I was careful to provide the Disney version of what all had happened.

However, in one case I had to be more frank. Amber caught me alone at one point and opened with a zinger. "You and Terri were having sex weren't you, Dad?"

I was definitely caught off stride. "I, uh... Why do you ask?"

"Every one of the kids twelve or younger got to see her face in their dreams and they all agree on what she looked like and that she was your best friend. Apparently, Terri even had a chat with little Helena who is now 'her bestest friend' if we can believe her colorful report of the dream she had.

Your sons' dreams seem not to be as consistent. Ivan got a good view of her face, was able to chat with her a bit and even was able to see her body through something of a foggy haze. On the other end of that spectrum, my Taylor only has a fuzzy memory of a face and a few words talking about you."

"Okay, so why are you asking this particular question?"

"Well, unlike everyone else, the Terri I met in my dreams was completely naked and drop-dead gorgeous! We had quite a nice chat, but you will be happy to know that she did not spill any beans during our conversation. However, she did have what I call a just-fucked look. She was relaxed and happy and languid is about the best way that I can put it into words."

I saw Terri in my mind's eye and sighed. "Yes. The sex that Terri and I had was the best that I have ever had in my entire life."

"So, especially in light of the fact that you have had a complete personality transformation in the course of one single night, what exactly is going on between the two of you?"

I rubbed my temples and stared into Amber's eyes. "Terri says that she has a way that will enable us to stay together." Amber looked alarmed. "And no, if I understand correctly, it does not include my crossing over to the other side in order to be with her. I gather that it is not a guaranteed slam-dunk and that there is a point or issue where there is some uncertainty—maybe even some danger." I shrugged and added, "You now know as much as I do. Do you have any insights that you can offer me?"

Amber gave me a hug and said, "No Dad, I'm sorry. I don't have a flash of brilliance to offer you. About all I can do is wish for the two of you to be happy, no matter how it turns out."

Chapter XIII

After everybody went home I proceeded to get the trailer packed and organized for travel. When everything was ready, I headed up to a high spot about a thousand feet higher and near a part-time fire observation point.

The place where I parked my trailer was high enough and open enough that I could see forever—at least in one direction. Unlike at the observation point, my view only covered about 180 degrees—but WHAT a gorgeous 180!

Many times in my life, I had tried to learn to meditate; not once did I ever think that my efforts had borne fruit! I remember just simply flat falling asleep. I remember being bored to death with "Ommm." I remember wanting to scream at the next "boing" from the meditation gong! I remember loving the stretch associated with doing the yoga cobra and other positions—but never do I recall anything remotely close to what my friends called their "meditative bliss!" I think that the closest I have ever been to doing meditation was back in the day when I was young and dumb and full of adrenalin and got a kick out of letting the miles roll by under my motorcycle as I breathed the fresh clean air of the prairies, the deserts, and the mountains!

Well, obviously Terri had managed to promote the importance of meditation from almost the bottom of my to do list to close to the top. I settled into my new address above 9,000 feet elevation with the hope that this would be the environment that would allow me to become the next Buddha or whatever it took to enable Terri to visit me at will!

At this location, all I had to do was open the blinds on one big window and, presto, I could see a huge chunk of the glory that God hath wrought! I could step down out of the trailer and get comfortable on the ground or in a camp chair and enjoy the same scene without it being filtered through glass! What's not to like? Meditation here I come!

Unfortunately, reality doesn't quite work that way—at least most of the time. I tried to out-Buddha the Buddha for the rest of the month and failed to achieve any level of enlightenment or progress that I could recognize! Not once did Terri manage to pay me a visit in my dreams! By the time that I came out of the mountains so that I could go hunting, there was a dark cloud that followed me about and forever shadowed my soul. I was back to full-bore mourning and hadn't an inkling of how deep my soul had sunk!

When I got back to the town that I call Home Base, I got hints of what was happening to me; several friends took one look at my sunken eyes and my somber mien and every one popped the same question, "Stefan, are you feeling all right?"

It all came together during hunting season. I had just squeezed the trigger for a very clean, one-shot kill when I realized that my finger had moved with anger and not with my usual sadness and thankfulness. When I got to the dead antelope, per my usual practice, I thanked her for letting me take her life so that I could eat and thereby live. Then I apologized at length for pulling the trigger with the same intent that I wanted to use on the God damned Universe! By the time I was done with the apology I was bawling like a baby. "Oh, Terri! Terri! TERRI, please, pleeez help me! If you can do nothing else, pleez tell the Universe to just put me out of my misery!"

The next morning, I woke feeling like I hadn't slept at all! However, it was clear that I had slept at least a little bit—I recalled seeing Terri's face and hearing a few of her words! "Stef, I really don't know why, but you are being actively blocked from crossing the threshold. I get some kind of mumbo jumbo about it being for the growth of your spirit, but that doesn't tell me anything. More important, we will be coming back together! Please stay strong for m..."

I was encouraged, but I was also exhausted! As soon as the antelope was butchered and frozen, I got the rig prepped for travel and headed south. To an outside observer, this was the same pattern that I had been following for years. However, from my perspective I was really running away! Fruitlessly fleeing from a white-hot arrowhead of pain that was buried not just in my heart, but deep in my soul! The leaden weights in my right foot didn't start to evaporate until after I crossed the border into New Mexico.

I have pictures of ancient volcanoes around Raton, NM, glimpses into the Valles Caldera, shots in and around Fort Stanton Historic Site and attempts to photograph the ghosts of Lake Valley, NM. However, the first thing that I actually have a coherent memory of is backing into a RV campsite in SE Arizona.