Love in Transition

Letter from Paul to Jane written for the Letters of Love 2022 Story Event.

My story series A Fishing Trip, but I'm the Bait recounts the journey of a relationship that blossoms between an older guy, Paul, and a trans woman on the cusp of her transition. A theme of self-discovery through sex is woven into the tale. Jane is young and her life is changing fast. When she leaves to start university, Paul is left behind in every sense, but as this letter reveals, his love has matured as well.

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Dear Jane

You'll see I've addressed the letter to J Whittard, because I wasn't certain what name you're currently using and thought it best to avoid using your first name. Sorry if that looked a bit formal!

So how is the big world of university? Not too awful I hope. I remember being terrified in Fresher's Week when I went up and desperately homesick too. I think the phones in the hall of the student residence had been waterproofed for all the tearful calls in the first week or two - they were in constant use, that's for certain. Thank heavens everyone has mobiles now. But when you get drunk every night in the student union bar, you quickly make friends - when you're tanked you love everyone!

I hope you'll understand my concern and that this letter doesn't sound preachy. I was able to hang out at the LGBT society early on and they were a life-saver to me with advice and helping me meet like minded people. Promise me you'll poke your head round their door at the very least.

I remember a couple of young guys in my intake topped themselves - fucking tragic. They were too frightened to come out, too ashamed of who they were, torn between acting straight to be accepted against the need they felt inside. One guy hung himself in my residence. No one really knew him and no one, least of all me, knew he was gay, but word got around. Maybe through his goodbye letter?

You'll remember we talked about this a couple of weeks ago, so I'm here to say it again. Don't be frightened of who you are. I can't begin to imagine how difficult it will be for you having to continue your transition in that environment, when other students can be so cruel. You have family and friends at home, so never hesitate from leaning on them. You have love - you are loved.

Love is much more than physical sex. Sure, sex can be dazzling and I have no guilt for opening the door to that for you. I've slept with plenty of men as well, heard them shout my name as I did theirs, but you are no man and never were. I don't care what your genes might say, your heart and soul is Jane, a woman. A beautiful, funny, lovable, kind hearted but feisty young woman. It shines from you, my angel. You are radiant and I know that anyone that meets you will feel the better for it. I do. I always will.

You are smart enough to know you may doubt yourself at times. I don't suppose anyone making such a change can be 100% certain every day, but you've said it yourself - you have no choice. Don't end up cornered by that apparent lack of choice, my sweet. You can pause if you need to, you can dictate the pace or you can even change your mind if it comes to that, so those are all choices. Your choices. It's your life, honey and everyone that loves you will support your decisions.

I love you, you see. The more I've come to understand the real you, the more I love you. But love can mean letting someone go too, for them to continue their life without you, however painful that can be. If love doesn't flow in both directions it becomes corrupt and tainted. If you've now decided to move on, then I understand. Just let me know. I hope when time had healed the wounds that we can become friends, not simply hot-headed lovers.

You said you were not brave or strong - do you remember? People do not get up in the morning and decide to be brave that day or from that moment on. It's how they act because it seems the natural thing to do and it's for others to judge if their actions are courageous, so allow me to say you are. Keep being you, Jane -- the world needs more of you and your pure spirit.

My life here is back to a bucolic routine. I've been repairing the stands by the Middleton meadow stretch - it made me think of you that morning we first met.

The leaves are turning and at midday the river swirls rich brown from the recent rain. At dawn though, its surface is mica pale from the watery light in the sky, when the long grass is laced with spidered diamonds, fit for our fairy princesses.

Do fairies get wet feet? You'll have some magical explanation why they don't! They won't leave a dark trail of lazy human footprints through the silvered meadow like I do in my boots. Tell me how they manage it and I'll try too.

I saw your mother in the village this week. I wish so much I could speak to her and make my peace. I might even hear news of you, but I know how she feels about me. That's her job - being protective of you and I get that, so I keep my distance or take a turn off the footpath to avoid her. If she mentions that, please tell her I'm not being rude but she can be quite fierce and she scares the hell out of me! She's awesome.

Well hey, I guess I've said what I feel I needed to and I'll end up repeating myself if I write more. There was never enough time for us to talk, not really. We were always in a giddy rush either pulling our clothes off or back on again and then you were so busy before university. We never made enough time to simply hold hands and go for a walk. "Walk the talk".

I didn't want you to misunderstand where my true feelings lie. Lust is not all bad if it leads to a better relationship but time has caught us out.

Stay safe, have a blast and keep being the gorgeous you.

Much love

Paul