Love Lost

LOVE LOST

Unfortunately, through friends and family, I've seen everything in this story play out in real life. I try to make all my stories as real as possible. Some don't agree with the decisions or outcomes in the stories. But that's how real life is. It's different for everyone.

My thanks again to Randi for her editing and advice.

"Tom Sutton, how can you say something like that?"

"I said it because it's the truth. You're the one that's not being honest."

She looked a little angry, but more confused. "We've been together 30 years. You must know me better than that after all that time."

Thirty years is a long time to be together. You do get to know almost everything about the other person. But people change. When you meet a person at 25, they are not necessarily the same person you know 30 years later, even in the case of my wife, Abby. In fact, they can be radically different. Wants, needs, desires, emotions, almost anything can totally change.

I met Abby when I was twenty-five and she was the same age. I went to a party hosted by a friend of mine who was also a good customer. Abby was a friend of his wife. Little did we know, it was a setup. I didn't care, because as soon as I saw Abby, I was very interested. She was tall at five-nine and very slender. She had a beautiful face and was dressed very elegantly. I was in the fashion industry, and she oozed class. Her blond hair was worn short in a pixie style. I was drawn to her and after we talked for some time, I was hooked that very night. She told me later she felt the same. She liked that I was tall, at six-two, and although no one ever called me slender, I was in good shape from lifting and running every week.

She was working for the state as a social worker. After her undergrad work, she had gotten her MSW and she had a good job. I say good job, because she really liked her job and it gave her a lot of self-satisfaction. Social workers, even ones with master degrees, don't make a ton of money, but that wasn't the driving force for Abby. She liked helping other people. At least she felt like she was making a difference, and I suppose she was.

I was different. My degree was in business administration and I know what I wanted to do after college. At the end of high school and all thru college, I worked at a high-end men's clothing store. I worked summers, holidays and breaks doing anything needed. I sold, merchandized, ordered some inventory, took in delivered goods and even cleaned the bathroom if needed. The man who owned the store, Bill Nicholson, was a friend of my grandfathers who I really liked. He treated me great. When I got out of college, I went to work for Mr. Nicholson full time. I loved the business: the selling, the buying and the fashion industry. We sold only the finest brands, and therefore appealed to people who only wanted the best. We sold everything: dress shirts, ties, dress trousers, beautiful jackets and suits. Adding in accessories and shoes gave us have a full line of clothing. When I joined the store, there was only Mr. Nicholson, one other older gentleman and myself.

Two years after we met, Abby and I were married. Our marriage was great, and two years later we added Tommy Jr. to our family. Of course, two more years brought little Maggie along. After Maggie's birth, Abby stayed home with the kids. By then, I was making enough money at the store. Whenever you're living with one income in this day and age, sacrifices sometimes need to be made. Abby and I felt the sacrifices were well worth her being home with the children.

When Maggie was twelve, Abby approached me on her going back to work. She asked, "Tom, Tommy will be in high school next year and I think Maggie is old enough, so I'd like to go back to work and use my degree. Plus, I'm kind of bored being a stay-at-home mom. What are your thoughts?"

"I don't have any problem with it. Where are you thinking?"

"Well, my friend told me about an opening for an MSW at the hospital nearby. I want to go talk to them."

"Abby, it's entirely up to you. The store is doing fine, but if you think this would add something to your life, then go for it."

The next week, Abby sat down with the HR department at the hospital. She had the right degree and could still talk the talk, I guess. After a few more interviews she started back full time a few weeks later. Everything worked out well. Our kids were very reliable. They came home from school, did their homework, then did kid stuff. We had an older neighbor lady who would be waiting for them to make sure they were okay. They always told her where they were going before they went anywhere. Abby was always home about five and the lady would go on home. It all worked very well.

Abby loved her job and took to it like fish to water. She was also still a very good mother, so her job didn't seem to affect the children at all. My store was doing very well. I say my store, because eight years after college, Mr. Nicholson asked me if I would like to buy him out. He had a lot of money, so he gave me the proverbial offer I couldn't refuse. I kept the name "Nicolson's" for name recognition, but I made a few changes. I added some luxurious sportswear lines that really took off. Suits and ties were not worn as much, but sportswear was always good. I was now selling everything from tuxedos to jeans and tee shirts, just very nice jeans and tees.

A few years after Abby went back to work at the hospital, we had a problem. By then, my wife had bought into the idea that the doctors at work all walked on water. She came home each night going on and on about all the doctors with whom she worked. They were so intelligent, so sophisticated, so calm under pressure, so handsome, so wonderful in every way. After a few weeks of this, I had about had enough. I was going to lay into her at the dinner table that night, but my son Tommy beat me to it.

"Mom, what is wrong with you? You go on about those guys like they're God."

Maggie interrupted him. "I think it's disgusting the way you talk about them in front of Dad. How do you think that makes him feel?"

Abby looked at the kids like they were nuts. "That's ridiculous. I don't look at the doctors like they're God. And your father knows how I feel."

"Do I Abby?", I said. "How would you feel if I went on and on about the women that came into my store? How beautiful they are? How sophisticated they act? How they love to flirt with me, married or not? You wouldn't like it one bit. Nobody would. But you seem oblivious to the disrespect you show me." I was really pissed off now. I needed to get out of there before I lost my temper. "I've lost my appetite. I'm going out."

I went for a drive until I calmed down. I ended up at a sports bar not too far from home. I had a drink, ate some wings, and watched some English soccer. When I felt all right, I went home.

As I walked in the door, I found Abby waiting for me at the kitchen table. "Tom, I want to apologize to you for my disrespectful behavior. I wouldn't like it if you talked about other women like that."

"Are you really that enamored with those guys? It seems you have them on a pretty high pedestal. How should I feel about that?"

"You should feel that you're my husband. I love you and only you. At the hospital, the doctors are the most important people. I suppose I got caught up in the whole atmosphere. All the patients, nurses and other staff always defer to the doctors. The work they do really is impressive."

"Abby, in the last several weeks I've seen how you've lost respect for me. I don't know what I can do to gain it back. I've been a loyal husband, a loving father and a good provider to my family. If that means anything to you, you wouldn't be going on about other men. A lot of those guys have gone through nasty divorces, spend little time with their children and are hitting on the enamored female staff all the time. I don't deserve your disrespect. If I get any more of it, it will be on you when our marriage fails."

"Again, I apologize Tom. Don't talk about our marriage failing anymore. I love you and respect you. I hear what you're saying, and I've been out of line. It won't happen again."

Our life went on in a good way. Abby was always a great mother and a good wife. She talked about her work as we all do from time to time, but never about the doctors the way she did. She still enjoyed the work. My business was good and always growing. Most of our time together was connected with our children, as with most families. There was always school events or sports involving our kids. Abby volunteered at the school as much as possible. Because I owned the store, I rarely had to miss a game or anything the kids were involved with.

When both children were in college, our life went through a slow change. It was so gradually I didn't notice at first. Abby started throwing herself into her work. She also volunteered for various charitable groups around town. They really loved having her help. She was very good at organizing events, and because of her contacts at the hospitals she was able to get sponsors at some of their fundraising activities. This is all fine, except I was hoping that we could spend more time together after the kids left.

I know it's different for a woman when the children leave the nest. For many years your life revolves around being a mom. Suddenly, they don't need you as much as they once did. It creates an empty space in your life, and it's a big adjustment. Abby dealt with the emptiness in the house by spending less time at home, a lot less time. Almost every evening was filled with meetings, or events or dancing on Wednesday nights. She started taking dance lessons with girls from the hospital every Wednesday evening. One more thing to fill her weeknights. It didn't take long before I felt lonely and left out of Abby's life. It seemed that she was moving on without me.

My job was extremely demanding in a way that few outside retail understand. When you own a retail store, it's work ten a.m. to six p.m. Monday through Saturday fifty-two weeks a year. I had two other sales people besides me, plus a tailor, full-time. I also had a part-time sales woman who worked busy periods, vacations and when I was at market in New York in spring and the fall. My job is very lucrative, but it is demanding and I'm always under pressure to buy new updated goods that are tasteful, current in the latest fashion and keep up with the changing sizing and fits. I always have to be on top of my business. Abby's job may be rewarding, but it doesn't pay for her lifestyle or the children's college education.

Something else compounded the trouble in our marriage. During the last several years, our sex life had started to dwindle. Post menopause left Abby with dryness and pain. We tried lubricants, and they helped, but Abby slowly lost her desire. It was partly the fault of how uncomfortable sex had become, but also her libido was gone. She was nice at first. She tried to be accommodating using her hands and oral sex, but eventually she stopped trying. She just didn't care anymore.

"Abby, how do you expect me to live my life celibate?"

"I can't help it, Tom. A woman's body is different from men. Sex is just too painful and I don't feel any desire."

"I'm only in my early fifties? You know how I work out. My sex drive is almost as high as ever. Have you considered hormone replacement therapy?"

"Yes, I talked to some nurses at work. They didn't think it is worth the bother."

"Abby, are those women married or single. And how old are they?"

"They're older than us, that's true. And some are married, and some are single. But they all felt it was expensive and sometimes didn't work. You'll just have to go along with me on this. I'm done arguing about it."

I was really pissed off. First, she cut into our time together by joining every charity she could find. Then she takes away the intimacy from me, from our marriage. Women don't always understand that sex is a needed bodily function for a man. It's very healthy from both a physical and an emotional standpoint. She didn't have the final word on this topic, but just didn't know it yet. What I did do that very night was wait till she left for one of her meetings at God knows where, then I moved all her cloths and toiletries to the guest bedroom. When she got home that night, she about shit a brick.

"What the hell did you do? Why are my clothes and things in the guestroom?"

"If you're not interested in loving me, then I'm not sharing my bed with you. Without sex, there is no love. How dare you nix an important part of our marriage without discussing it with me?"

"I thought you promised to love me in sickness and in health?"

"And you promised me 'to have and to hold' till we die. Do you even know what that means?"

"No, not really. That's something in marriage vows that has no meaning to anybody."

"Well, in the marriage sense it means that two people have the intention to join together as one. That means to be intimate and share your body till you die. So, you took it upon yourself to break your vows first."

"I'm not breaking my vows. I lost my sex drive. I can't help it. I thought you would still be there for me like a good husband."

"You're delusional Abby. You're not sick. There are things you can do for your sex drive. But you're too selfish, only thinking about you."

That conversation changed our relationship entirely. We lived like roommates for the next several years. First, she was too busy to spend time with me during the week. Then she cut off our sex life and I kicked her out of our bedroom. We were cordial on the weekends. We even took time to visit the kids together, but if we got a hotel room, we got two beds and slept apart. The kids caught on pretty quick. They didn't know all the details, but knew we were now in different bedrooms. They could also see we had lost a part of our close connection. More like we were brother and sister.

Everything seemed to be hitting me at once. First it was the kids both leaving. Then my wife decided to compensate by spending all of her time working and volunteering, besides enjoying dance lessons without me. Then I'm told she has lost all her sex drive, and though that had been a gradual thing, I should have seen it coming. Finally, Covid-19 hits our country and my livelihood is threatened. Stores like mine were deemed non-essential. The politicians decided you could go to a dollar store, but you couldn't go to church, or buy a golf shirt from my place. I was struggling at home, and really struggling at work. They made me close my store for two months. I received some government money to help pay my employees, but I had to dig deep to pay the rent and my suppliers whom I owed money.

Meanwhile, my wife, who was still working at the hospital, was carrying on and spending like we weren't in a pandemic. That all changed one evening when I confronted her before she went out to wherever.

"Abby, sit down. We need to talk."

"It will have to wait Tom, I'm late for my dance class."

"Damn it Abby, I said sit down. It can't wait." I yelled. I never yelled at her. This startled her and she sat in a kitchen chair.

"You don't seem to notice, but the pandemic has hit us hard. I'm trying to keep my store open. From now on we need to tighten our belts. No more clothing, no donations, no dinners out, no sending the kids extra money. The children both have jobs. Tommy has gotten paid through the virus, and Maggie is collecting unemployment until she goes back to work next month. They will be fine. I'm not so sure about us. Before I start cashing in our investments, the smart play is to sell our home and downsize. The housing marking is strong. Our home is paid off and way too big for us. Can I count on you to help me do this?"

When I told her, we should sell the home, I think she actually soiled her pants.

"Tom, I can't believe you would actually sell our home. I love this home and I don't want to move in to some little bitty thing. What will I tell my friends?"

"I don't give a shit what you tell your friends. I'm not living my life based on their expectations. I'm trying to make intelligent financial decisions for my family and you're trying to keep up with the Jones's. Downsizing will give us plenty of money to wade thru the pandemic until my business comes back."

"I don't want to move. I'm comfortable here. I want to stay."

"Well, I'll tell you what. The title to the home is in my name only. So, I'm telling you now in thirty days the house is going on the market. Whether you like it or not. What's happened to you? You're not the same woman you used to be. I know we all change, but you've changed into someone I don't know anymore."

Finally, she seemed to come to her senses. "Okay Tom, you're right. Moving is the best thing for us. And I guess I have become spoiled. I'll get the house prepared to move. Where do you want to go?"

We came to an agreement on a nice part of town in between my store and her hospital. There were smaller, but nice, homes in the neighborhood. Also, it had some condominiums I felt might be perfect. Within two weeks we had our home inspected and cleared out lots of clutter. Abby had a good friend in the real estate business, so she had pictures taken and got the listing ready to go.

Abby had taken some vacation from work for this, but she was still out almost every night volunteering or with her Wednesday night dance class. It was Thursday morning, the week before we were going to list our home, that Abby told me the girls in her dance class were getting together that Saturday night. It was to be at one of the lady's houses and it was for the girls only. Something didn't sound right. Although there were some issues in our marriage, we usually spent the weekends together. Most of the time we went out to dinner together on Saturday nights. For me, it was the end of a long week at work. Generally, Saturdays were almost forty percent of my business, so I was tired when I got home. Abby respected that, so we went to dinner, but made an early night of it. We didn't make plans with other people, and we didn't spring any changes on each other a few days before. I needed to find out what was going on.

Scott Parker was an old friend of mine from college. We were pretty good friends back then, but I only saw him now a few times a year when he came into the store. I knew his wife worked at the hospital and was part of Abby's dance class, so I called Scott, Thursday morning.

"Hello, Scott Parker speaking."

"Hi Scott, it's Tom Sutton calling. How have you been?"

"I'm fine Tom. I need to get into your store soon. I need a new suit for my daughter's wedding. By the way, sorry to hear about your separation from Abby."

That's when I knew there was a big problem at home. Worse than anything I had imagined.

"Scott, there hasn't been a separation. Although things aren't good, we're still together."

"Oh my God, Tom, I was told by my wife you two were not together and getting a divorce."

"I can't believe this. Do you mind if we got together today so I can find out what you've been told?"

Scott and I went to lunch that day and he told me things about my wife I found hard to believe. She had struck up a relationship with a Dr. Anthony Adams. They had been having lunch for many months two or three times every week. The dance classes the last six months had been six couples, not all girls as I was told. Adams had ben her partner all along. Everyone else, at least the non-hospital spouses, were told that we were separated or divorced, and that they were dating. Adams was a sixty-one-year-old divorced surgeon. Scott found out his third wife had divorced him for cheating. What a winner Abby had picked. Saturday night was going to be an extension of their dance class. The teacher and her spouse were going to be there, along with the six couples, to dine and then dance at the house.