Love of Autism Ch. 16

"God fucking dammit!"

Scott woke up when he heard Katie cursing and knew that she was trying to make bacon again in a frying pan. He couldn't help but laugh. "We need to get her some longer tongs so she stops being so close to the pan and having the grease burn her hand," he said to himself. He got up, put on a shirt and walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchen area. "You know you don't have to make everyone breakfast every Saturday morning."

Katie turned her head and glared at him. "I guess you don't want any bacon then."

Scott shook his head. "I never said that."

"Then don't antagonize the cook making the bacon," Steve said from the living room. "Out of the four of us, she is the only one that really knows how to cook anything."

"Like making bacon is that hard," Scott challenged.

Katie took the strips of bacon out of the pan and put them onto a plate. "Well, last time you tried to make bacon, you burnt them to a crisp and the time before that you uncooked them."

"And I learned..."

"You will never even attempt to make bacon again," Liz said coming out of her bedroom, "unless Katie is supervising you."

Scott felt ganged up on, but he couldn't admit that they were right either. Then again, he was just happy that his parents agreed to him living in an apartment with Steve, Liz and Katie during the summer and for their sophomore year of college. After his suicide attempt, he felt like he needed better support and life in the dorms felt too chaotic. While summer was much quieter, he was already starting to feel calmer in the apartment. He kept busy by working at a local fast food place and taking a summer class. His parents mandated the summer class otherwise they would have not paid for the rent for the summer.

It was easy for him to agree to have Liz and Steve as his roommates, but much harder for him to agree to let Katie be a roommate. Liz had to beg him to agree to it and remind him that Katie already understood him better than a stranger would. The fact she knew how to cook was a big bonus as well that eventually swayed him, even though he still had his reservations.

"OK, OK, I won't cook anything without someone watching me."

"Except for pancakes," Katie said putting more slices of bacon into the pan. "Those you can make anytime because you're good at it."

"Is that your way of telling me..."

"Yes," Katie interrupted him so she could keep on watching the bacon.

Scott got the electric griddle out that Liz's parents had donated to them and started heating it up. Once that was done, he got a bowl and the pancake mix out. After half an hour he had made several small pancakes for everyone to eat and Katie had finished making the rest of the bacon. "Let's eat," Scott said seeing that all the food was cooked. Everyone sat down at the table and started eating their breakfast.

"So do you two want to join Steve and me for a run once we're done?" Liz asked.

Both Scott and Katie shook their heads no. "I need to work on my speech for class on Monday," said Scott.

"How is that going?" Steve asked after swallowing a mouthful of pancake.

"Well I figured out the topic of the speech. I just need to figure out what to say in five minutes."

"What topic did you choose?" Liz asked.

"What it is like to be autistic."

Both Steve and Liz knew then what Scott's dilemma was. "So do you have any idea of how you are going to put that crate of information into a five minute speech?" Steve asked.

"Not one clue," Scott said, feeling depressed and overwhelmed by the task.

"I'm sure you'll think of something," Steve said trying to encourage him.

They continued to eat until all the pancakes and bacon were gone. Scott and Katie cleaned up the mess while Steve and Liz changed into their running clothes. They left a few minutes later leaving Scott and Katie alone in the apartment.

"So, do you have to work today?" Scott asked.

Katie nodded her head. "Yep. Another fun day working at Chili's. I'm just glad they are finally letting me work a dinner shift so I can make some good tips."

"I'm sure you have to bat the guys away all the time," Scott said with a wry smile.

Katie laughed. "Actually, lately it's been the women who have been more handsy than I would like."

"Well what's not to like?"

"True, but sometimes I wished I wasn't just viewed as a sex object." She turned her head to look at Scott. "That's one thing I loved about dating you. You never made me feel like a sex object."

"Yeah," Scott commented remembering those times.

They finished doing the dishes and Scott went into his room trying to work on his speech while Katie went into her room and read a book.

Scott worked for an hour on a rough draft of his speech, but kept thinking he needed to add more, but then worried that he was just rambling on about one aspect of autism. Growing frustrated, he banged his hand on the desk. The bang made Katie jump and she went to go check on Scott. "Everything OK?" she asked concerned.

"No," Scott admitted, feeling frustrated. "There is just so much to tell and say that...I don't know what is most important to say and keep it under five minutes."

Katie leaned against the doorframe of Scott and Steve's room and began to think. "Why not narrow the scope of your speech?"

Scott looked up at her with a questioning look, still feeling frustrated. "And how would I do that?"

"Instead of trying do a speech about being autistic, why not do a speech about how best to help someone who is autistic?"

Scott thought about what Katie said and it made sense. "I could do that. And it narrows my thought process." He didn't even finish his sentence before he started typing away on his laptop. Satisfied that he was on the right path, Katie went back to her room to read her book and relax.

However, she had a hard time focusing on reading as her thoughts went to how much she wanted Scott to view her as more than a friend and roommate. After he told her that he wanted to be friends with her, she had a hard time coming to grips with that reality. But slowly over the rest of their freshman year they made it work, even though her feelings for Scott were still there. She knew not to push him into a relationship because that is not what he wanted. It killed her inside but there was nothing she could do about it.

The only thing that did keep her sane was the fact that he didn't try to date anyone. If he had started to date another woman she would have become extremely jealous and probably ruin their friendship. She wanted to get over Scott and move on, but she couldn't, no matter how hard she tried.

*****************************************

"Thank the fucking Lord this night is over with," Katie said out loud as she came into the apartment.

"Night from hell?" Scott asked from the living room.

"Do you remember that term our parents told us about for women who just bitched and moaned and wanted their way?"

"Yeah, I think they called them 'Karens'."

Katie nodded her head. "I had a table full of 'Karens' and three other tables with a 'Karen' at each."

"I'm sorry you had a rough night," Scott said as he got up from the sectional, "but I do have something that will make your night better."

Katie glared at him. "I don't think there is anything you have that could make my night better."

Scott went to the freeze and pulled out a carton of ice cream. "I'm sure mister mint chocolate chip here would say otherwise."

Katie looked back and forth between the carton of ice cream and Scott. "When did you get that?"

"I went and got it a few minutes after you left for work. I wanted to thank you for helping me with my speech and Liz told me before this is the only ice cream flavor you eat."

Katie smiled, not expecting this from Scott. "Thank you Scottie."

"Scottie?" Scott said in shock. "You haven't called me that in...a long time."

Katie's face turned red in embarrassment. "Umm, yeah. It has been a while."

Scott then smiled when he thought about it. "I've missed you calling me that. It makes me feel...good."

Katie blushed. "Well I'm going to change into some more comfortable clothes and scoop myself some ice cream."

"Go change," said Scott pushing her towards her bedroom. "I'll scoop the ice cream into a bowl that is also in the freezer."

Katie happily went into her room, changed into her favorite pajamas and left her room seeing Scott standing in the kitchen facing her with a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream in his extended hands. She happily received the bowl, took a spoon full, placed it in her mouth and let out a relaxing moan. "Thank you so much Scott."

"You're welcome. Now go sit on that couch and hit play on the TV."

Katie did as she was told and was happy to see 'Gilmore Girls' on the TV. "You really are going overboard for me just for helping you with your speech assignment."

"The ice cream was the thank you. 'Gilmore Girls' is because you had a shitty day at work, and you need something else to make you happy."

Katie smiled again and realized she hadn't smiled this much in a long time. "You're a great friend Scott." She sat down on the sectional and hit play. Scott surprised her by sitting down next to her. "You don't have to watch 'Gilmore Girls' with me."

"I know, but who else is going to get you ice cream when you want another bowl? Steve and Liz are out seeing a movie and I want to help make your night better." Katie's smile never left her face as she ate three bowls of ice cream and watched the 'Gilmore Girls'. She knew Scott didn't care for the show that much, but he was willing to make her night better at whatever cost to him. After the third episode finished, she backed out of the series and scrolled through the anime genre until she came across 'Gundam Wing'. "Why are you choosing to watch this?"

"Because you've done more than enough to make me happy and watched the 'Gilmore Girls' with me. Now I want to watch one of your favorite shows with you to show you how much I appreciate you."

Scott didn't know what to say, but then realized that nothing was needed to be said. Sometimes the thing to do when someone is being nice is to not fight it, but let them. So he sat back and let her hit play on the episode he had left off at. A few minutes into the episode he put his arm around Katie and pulled her body to his. "Thank you Katie. You're a better friend to me than I deserve," he whispered into her ear.

Katie turned and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "We both treat each other better than we deserve," she whispered back.

They cuddled together for one episode before Liz and Steve came back home from their movie date, but neither separated from the cuddle as Liz and Steve walked in.

Liz was the first to notice them cuddling. "Are you two cuddling," Liz started to ask as she looked at what they were watching, "while watching Gundam Wing?"

"And this is a big deal because?" Scott asked, hating the fact Liz, and soon Steve, were going to make a big deal out of this.

"You're cuddling," Steve pointed out. "Did you two get back together?"

"No," Katie said before Scott could answer. "He is just being sweet to me after a rough day at work."

"Sure," Liz said not at all convinced.

***********************************************

Scott didn't sleep well at all that night as his mind kept thinking about him and Katie. He kept telling himself that cuddling with her meant nothing, yet he couldn't give a reason to himself why it meant nothing. He tried to tell his mind to shut up, but he knew it was fruitless as once his autistic mind focuses on something, it was near impossible.

Knowing full well that he needed to get this situation resolved he got up early in the morning, dressed, and went to his parent's house. He knew that they would probably be still asleep, but he didn't want to stay in the apartment and have an awkward encounter with Katie, especially after how Steve and Liz treated them the previous night. When he arrived at his parent's house however and walked in, his dad was in the living room watching TV.

"Hey Scott," Keith greeted. "Your mom didn't mention that you were coming over today."

"Well...I didn't plan on coming today but I need to talk to you," Scott admitted.

Keith turned off the TV and gestured for his son to sit down. "What's going on?"

Scott sat down next to his father and took a deep breath. "Stacy told me the one thing about the night of your suicide attempt that you left out."

Keith nodded his head knowing what Scott was talking about. "The bruises on my body."

"Yeah." Scott turned to look at his father. "How did you forgive yourself after that and move past that?"

"I didn't for several years," Keith admitted.

"What?" Scott asked completely shocked.

"It took me several years to forgive myself for what happened that night and not beat myself up about it anymore."

"Well what changed?"

Keith smiled as he was looking right at the answer. "When you were young, your mom did a lot to make sure you were taken care and overworked herself. I saw it and told her to go hang out with Stacy and Melissa for the weekend and I would take care of you."

"How much grief did I give you?" Scott asked feeling he caused his parents a lot of trouble.

"Absolutely none," Keith answered. Scott was shocked by that answer. "We played games together, wrestled, watched TV and just had fun. When your mom came home, she saw how happy you were and that the house was still in order. Later that night she told me how much she appreciated me and even though she had said that many times before, that was the first time I really believed it and I forgave myself from that night."

"But how did her saying that she appreciated you make you forgive yourself?"

"Because by her telling me that, I felt valued and really thought about how much a past mistake shouldn't define me, especially one that wasn't my fault." Scott somewhat understood what his father was telling him but still didn't make him feeling any better. "Scott, what's bothering you?"

"Yesterday Katie helped me with my speech that I have to do on Monday and I decided to get her a carton of her favorite ice cream. When she came home and told me she had a rough night a work, I decided to put on 'Gilmore Girls' on the TV to try to help her night get better. After a few episodes she changed what we were watching to 'Gundam Wing' to show me appreciation for what I was doing, and we ended up cuddling on the couch."

"OK, is all that?" Keith said.

"Ok?" Scott asked, not sure why his dad didn't have more to say.

"Yeah, OK. I assume you are happy just being friends with her." Scott looked away from his dad. "Unless you are not sure if you want to just remain friends," Keith deduced.

Scott threw his head back. "I don't know. I mean cuddling with her last night felt good, like it was old times."

"But you are still hurt from when she broke up with you."

Scott nodded his head. "Yeah. I mean I know why she did it and that she wished she could take it back. I just don't know if that pain will ever go away."

"Well, you should have a heart to heart conversation with her about it then."

"But what if things between us just get awkward or destroy our relationship?"

"Right now, it seems to me like things are going to be awkward for you two as is. The longer you put this off, the harder it will be to have the conversation."

Scott knew his dad was right, but he didn't want to admit it. The summer had been going just fine by having minimal contact with Katie. The previous night was the first time they really spent any time together and it felt good. He missed having her put her head on his shoulder and wrap his arms around her. In fact, not having her in his arms made him feel empty right now. That being said, he wasn't sure if he was willing to risk losing her as a friend and roommate either.

********************************************

Katie was worried when she woke up and couldn't find Scott anywhere in the apartment. He left no note or told anyone where he was going. After Steve and Liz caught them cuddling, he seemed pretty annoyed and irritable.

She tried watching some TV to distract herself, but that only lasted about ten minutes before she turned off the TV. Steve and Liz were both at their jobs so she was alone in the apartment. She went back to her room and looked up what she had been reading, but her worries about Scott made it hard for her to focus on what she was reading. A few minutes later, she heard the door to the apartment open and close. "Scott?" she called out hoping it was him.

"Yeah?" Scott called out back.

Immediately she got up out of her bed and ran to him, wrapping her arms around him. "I was worried about you."

Scott wrapped his arms around her and rubbed her back. "I'm sorry. I should have left a note or something."

Katie tightened her hug around Scott. "Where were you?"

"I went home to talk to my dad."

Katie loosened her hug and took a half step back to look at Scott's face. "What did you two talk about?"

"Let's sit down on the sectional," Scott suggested. Katie didn't argue and went to the sectional with Scott and they sat down next to each other. "So...fuck. I don't know how to do this."

Katie placed her hand in Scott's. "Just take your time," she assured Scott.

Scott thought for several moments before deciding to speak. "So last night was really nice and I enjoyed cuddling you." Him saying that made Katie smile. "However, it freaked me out a little afterwards because it reminded of how we used to be and I'm...still hurting from when you broke up with me."

Katie gripped Scott's hand tighter. "I'm sorry I did that."

"I know and I forgive you. But it is hard for me to get over it."

Katie closed her eyes, scared to ask the question she wanted to ask, afraid of the answer. "What happened after I left that day?"

Scott looked at her with a pained expression on his face. "You don't want to know."

"I need to know. I need...to understand."

Scott looked away and closed his eyes, remembering all too vividly the pain he felt. "I went into the room, but didn't even put gloves on before I started hitting the punching bag." He paused for a few seconds to compose himself. "I didn't even put gloves on to protect my hands. I just hit and kicked that bag as hard as I could for a long time. I didn't stop even with my hands and feet hurting like hell until I had nothing left in me and collapsed onto the floor."

Katie moved next to him and wrapped her arms him. "I'm so sorry," she said crying.

Scott hugged her back and kissed the top of her head. They sat there, arms around each other for several minutes before he asked the question he should have asked a long time ago. "How...how bad...how bad did the miscarriage mess you up?"

Katie pulled back to look at Scott's face and saw that much like question she just asked, he needed to know the answer. "Worse than I let anyone know."

"Please, tell me."

Katie took a deep breath before continuing. "I didn't eat for a few days and almost started to cut myself."

"Did you...cut yourself?" Scott knew she just said she almost did but he wanted to know the truth if she did.

Katie shook her head. "I wanted...but I just couldn't. Everything about that week just went by slow and felt torturous." Scott placed his hand behind her head, pulled it towards him and kissed the top of her head again. She smiled at Scott's attempt to comfort her and decided to tell him the other truth she hadn't told anyone yet. "The day it happened. I was going to tell you that I was pregnant."

Scott leaned back as he heard that. "You were?"

Katie nodded meekly and smiled. "Yes. I wanted it to be a surprise and hoped you would have wanted to be in the child's life and...find a way to continue to make us work."