Lovers in Law

"I can't pretend I know what that's like, Ted. But I am sorry."

"Thank you. But that's just it. You can't understand. You don't know what it's like to have to go into that place day after day knowing you're going to be treated like shit because you're smart and awkward and you have a funny name. How the hell was I supposed to stop being awkward with all I had to put up with?"

"I suppose that was the point," Laurie admitted.

"Right, and you can't know what it was like, because you were Little Miss Butterfly who was friends with everyone, confident and smiling all the time, and why wouldn't you be?"

"Now, wait a minute, Ted..."

"Wait for what? You apologized, I accepted. I bear you no ill will. But I can't just pretend all those years of 'Teddy the Pig' didn't do real damage, all right?"

"Of course you can't."

"And you can't pretend you know what it's like for your very name to be a weapon used to bludgeon you again and again!"

"Ted..."

"My mom loves your dad, and I respect that. Please respect that's the best I can do, all right?"

Laurie stood up. "Okay, but..."

"If you'll excuse me, Laurie, I've got a lot of reading to do. I've got orals coming up whenever the university reopens, and I might even have to do them online. You wouldn't understand that either."

Laurie couldn't deny that, for she'd never given any thought to grad school. She stood up and headed for the kitchen. But in the doorway she remembered her resolve and turned around.

"Ted, do you know my middle name?" she demanded.

"I remember it started with P, and you always had a different answer when someone asked," Ted said. "Patsy, Polly, Pam..."

"Exactly," Laurie said. "But do you know what it really is? Pitts."

"Pitts."

Laurie nodded. "My mother's maiden name. Think about what it rhymes with, and you didn't know me in grade school so you didn't know I was the first girl to grow breasts. You think I was never teased?"

She didn't wait for an answer, and continued on her way to the kitchen for breakfast.

Laurie felt a bit better after her embarrassing revelation, but the day continued just like the previous three had with her sacked out on her father's bed with a book. This time, though, she found it harder to focus on the book or the TV. She had managed to keep the memory of being "Laurie Tits" buried for so long it almost felt like a nightmare now. But with the doors blasted off that memory, she recalled all too well the many days she'd arrived home from school in tears, wishing she could make her accursed new breasts vanish. She recalled how Dad had been of little help, both because he was a man and because his divorce from Mom was just going through and most of his energy was focused on that. Now she recalled how grateful she'd been when the judge had let her choose to stay with Dad, and how it was only years later that she'd learned how incredibly lucky that was. Mothers almost always got custody, especially of daughters, but Laurie guessed the judge had seen through her mother's façade and spotted the monster inside.

It wasn't the only lucky break Laurie had enjoyed. Once the divorce was final that summer after sixth grade, she and Dad had moved. Moved to a new suburb where no one knew she'd been "Laurie Tits" or anything else about her past, and she was free to start anew. Unlike Ted, whom she'd come to know within the first few weeks at her new school as the worst kind of nerd. So when Jeanne and her pals on the boys' basketball team had taken a shine to her, her future had been set and she'd never given any thought to her ugly past again.

Until now.

Laurie tried to remember if she'd ever appreciated how lucky she was. She tried to recall if she'd ever stopped to think she could just as easily have been Laurie Tits as Ted had become Teddy the Pig. She tried to remember if it had ever occurred to her that his painful shyness and apparent lack of caring about his appearance mightn't be because of the way people like Jeanne treated him -- after all, how was he supposed to believe in himself when no one else believed in him?

She tried, but she couldn't remember. Which made her think she must have been too busy basking in her popularity to give any thought to how easily she could have ended up in his shoes.

DAY 7

Day seven was also day two of Laurie's period, and at least for once she didn't have to pretend she felt anything but lousy. Curled up on her father's bed with yet another book and her trusty hot water bottle, she was almost glad there was such a wonderful excuse to do nothing.

It did, though, present another unwelcome challenge. She'd brought along enough supplies for one cycle, never imagining there'd be any problem with buying more. What if everything was still shut down next month? But she'd worry about that when the time came, she told herself for perhaps the fiftieth time since getting up that morning and noticing supplies were low.

She was also just as happy to not have to bother with any man on a day like this. So of course it would be this of all days when Ted broke his silence! But she was nevertheless fairly happy when he appeared in the bedroom doorway in his robe at late afternoon. "Laurie, listen," he said.

Laurie turned off the television and forced a smile. "Yes?"

"I've been thinking of what you said the other day, about your middle name. You're right, I had no idea."

"I made sure no one did," Laurie said. "Even Jeanne didn't know, you know. She was always after me to tell her what it really was. I finally told her it was Pollyanna, and I think she might have even believed me."

Ted laughed, giving Laurie her first taste of pleasure in his company. "I can just imagine that. No offense, but I can't remember at all why I ever had a crush on her."

"I can," Laurie said. "She was beautiful and well-dressed and popular. What's not to like?"

"Right, I guess that's so." Sensing an olive branch, Ted helped himself to a seat on the foot of the bed. His robe fell away on one side and Laurie could see all the way up his shapely thigh. She suppressed a laugh as she realized soon her legs would be as hairy as his were, and tried not to gawk at him until he pulled the robe back over his legs. "But like I said, you're right, I never stopped to think you might be miserable underneath as well.

"I did work hard to hide it," Laurie said. "But listen, I was also lucky. Dad and I moved the summer before junior high started, so no one at our school knew about my past. You didn't have that luxury, I get that."

"Even so," Ted said. "Listen, I have what I call 'oil massage moments', and this was one."

"Oil massage moments?" Laurie couldn't help laughing a little, but to her immense relief Ted didn't seem to mind.

"Oil massage moments," Ted confirmed. "When I first left for grad school, my undergrad girlfriend -- Ellie was her name -- she invited her best friend to move into our apartment that we'd shared senior year. Jenn -- that's the friend -- Jenn and I had never gotten along well, so I figured that was a pretty clear signal that I wasn't welcome back in our home."

"That's harsh," Laurie said. "But since you called her your undergrad girlfriend, I take it you and Ellie..."

"Didn't even make it through my first semester," Ted confirmed. "About a month in, I was up to my ears in French history books as usual, and she calls. 'Ted, look, it's the hardest thing I've ever done...'"

"Sure it was," Laurie commiserated. She'd had her share of those calls.

"I knew we'd been on our last legs as a couple for a while, but it was still crushing, of course. And to add insult to injury, she told me she didn't want me to call her for a while so I'd have time to get over her."

"Not for her to get over you, I take it?"

"Yeah, exactly, I guess she figured she already was over me. Anyway...look, I don't want to sound whiny. It was two years ago and I bounced back. In fact, I had a French test the very next day and I got an A on it."

"Good!" Laurie said. "I mean, I'm not surprised, because I know what a great student you always were, but good."

"Thanks. Anyway. I bounced back, but I was lonely and hurt, and in those lonely weeks, I kept having this vision -- which I knew was ridiculous, but your mind does funny things when you're hurt -- I imagined Ellie and Jenn in their room, which had been our room, giving each other naked oil massages and having a grand laugh at my expense. 'Hey, we got rid of that jerk Ted, didn't we!'"

Laurie burst out laughing. "Oh, Ted, I'm sorry, but..."

"No, no, it is hilarious. You're right. But you know what's really funny?"

"What's that?"

"A few months later, Ellie called me and said she'd been missing me, and we talked for about two hours."

"Oh, that's sweet!"

"I guess. Kind of bittersweet really, because it relit that fire for me when she really was done with me as far as romance was concerned. But anyway, I asked how Jenn was, and she said she didn't even know. You see, the two of them had fought like cats and dogs, and she'd had to ask Jenn to move out!"

"And there you were imagining them having the time of their lives at your expense."

"Exactly. So, oil massage moments. Where I imagine people are happy while I'm miserable and probably even happy about my misery, and really?"

"They're just as bad off," Laurie said. "I like that!"

"And look, high school wasn't all bad. I had friends, just none in common with you." He stood up.

"I get it," Laurie said. "Thanks for sharing that, Ted. Are you off to the jacuzzi?"

"Yes, unless you wanted to use it?"

"That's very gentlemanly of you, but no thanks." She almost felt emboldened enough to tell him why not, but that would still be oversharing, she concluded. Men were always so weird about that. "Enjoy."

"Thanks," Ted said, turning towards the bathroom. "I will."

She did wonder, once he'd shut the door, why he'd felt the need to ask if she wanted to use it alone rather than joining him. Was he that shy, or did he think she would be? Or both? For the time being, she found it fun to wonder why.

DAY 12

With such a major breakthrough out of the way and with Laurie feeling a lot better both physically and mentally the next day, she had expected things to get friendlier. And they had -- a little bit. Ted no longer actively avoided her, and he looked her in the eye when he said good morning and the like.

But to her surprise, the following week still found them mostly living in separate worlds. An email from her boss in California was partially responsible for that: they were switching to work from home for all for the time being, and two of the other analysts had quit. Laurie, who had given her job up for lost, now found herself with all the work she could hope for and then some. So the days of lounging around on her father's bed were over with for the time being, although she did stick to sweats and t-shirts, and usually no bra. She could get all too used to that, she found herself thinking more than once.

She set up her makeshift office in a corner of her bedroom, and saved Dad and Patricia's room for afterhours and weekends. She invariably found Ted on the couch with more books when she went downstairs for meals and breaks, and there was small talk of what a wonderful working environment this was, but nothing more for the time being.

When she knocked off just past four o'clock that afternoon (the boss was paying no mind to hours as long as the work got done, and she was keeping up better than she'd dared hope), Laurie made up her mind to make tonight at least a little different. After a long shower to wash the frustrations of the day's work off, she put on the nicest top and pants she had that didn't need to be ironed (she considered a skirt, but only until she remembered her legs hadn't seen a razor on two weeks), and even put on shoes to complete the look. Then she strode purposefully downstairs and greeted Ted with a smile in the living room.

"Going out somewhere?" he asked her. "Could I ask you to call when you're coming home so I can let you in without you touching anything? And I think you ought to wear a mask."

Laurie shook her head. "I'm going to make us dinner. You don't have to dress for the occasion, but I encourage you to try it." She looked down at herself. "It feels good to do it, although these pants are a little tight."

"They look great, Laurie."

"Thank you!"

"But you really don't have to do this."

"I know. But I want to." She sat down on the edge of the couch, as close to Ted as she dared. "Ted, I really appreciated you opening up to me about your 'naked oil massage moments' thing the other day, and I'd really like it if we could get to know each other a little better, especially since we don't know how much longer we'll be stuck here. So let me do this for you, okay?"

Ted set his book down. "It would be a nice change, wouldn't it? And I wouldn't want you to get all dressed up for nothing."

Laurie couldn't resist throwing out her deepest fear. "Don't you dare make me have to say I wore a bra for the first time in two weeks for nothing!"

Ted burst out laughing and threw up his hands. "Okay, I'm off to the shower now!"

"Good answer." Laurie stood up. "You've got about an hour and a half, but I'll have appetizers and drinks sooner."

Laurie found some overripe tomatoes in the refrigerator, and decided they'd be better than nothing for some bruschetta with the bake-at-home rolls she'd seen in the freezer. There were a couple of chicken breasts in the fridge, three days past their sell-by date but they smelled okay and she was feeling adventurous. With a little scavenging around for spices and some potatoes from the pantry, soon she had a decent looking meal in the oven.

Ted put in an appearance just as she was getting the salad dressing mixed together. "Am I too early?"

"Nah," Laurie said, nodding at the table, which she'd already set. "Go ahead and open the wine."

He cleaned up nicely, Laurie saw out of the corner of her eye. Indeed he was looking positively huggable in his houndstooth sweater and pants the same shade of dark grey as her own. She swatted that thought down as quickly as it popped up -- their parents were married, for heaven's sake, and he still probably hated her at some level -- but now that it had crossed her mind, she realized all too well that it wasn't going to just go away. Ted had grown up, he wasn't really related, and he was gorgeous. And where were either of them going to find anyone else right now?

Soon she had the salad set on the edge of the table and the bruchetta on two plates. As she sat down, she picked up her glass. "To surviving!"

"Amen!" He clinked her glass and they both took a sip. "Ooh, sorry," he said. "This wine is a little bitter. Must've saved it too long."

"Tastes fine to me, and we don't have to go outside for it," Laurie rejoined with a grin.

Ted took his first bite of the bruschetta, and looked delighted. "Mmmm, Laurie, this is fantastic!" he said. "Thank you!"

"Thank you for agreeing to this," Laurie said. "I was starting to feel like we were living in parallel worlds or something."

"Like we did in high school."

There was no point in denying that. "Yes," she said. "Exactly like that. We're too old for cliques now, aren't we?"

"So I keep telling myself," Ted said. He paused for another sip of the wine, and went on. "None of my business, but if I got a vote I'd say this was worth wearing a bra for."

"Easy for you to say!" But Laurie laughed as she said it. "Thank you, no, Ted, that's sweet. But some social norms, you cling to even in extreme circumstances like this. I was feeling really self-conscious about not wearing one while you were here, even if we barely spent any time together."

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable about it," Ted said. "For what it's worth, I never even noticed. Not that it's any of my business."

"Well, it did feel a lot like you were trying awfully hard not to notice anything about me," Laurie said. "Not that I blame you after, you know, our history, and especially not after the way Jeanne acted at the wedding. But I am sorry about all that and I would like it if we could be friends."

"Let's say now we are," Ted said. "Or is it not that simple?"

The timer rang, and Laurie got up to get the chicken out of the oven. "I suppose it could be," she said. "But what I mean is, I hope we can spend some time together as long as we're alone here. I mean together together, not just me upstairs and you downstairs."

"I think I'd like that too," Ted allowed. "I guess we're a little old to be all awkward just because we knew each other in our awkward years."

"Couldn't agree more," Laurie said, and then she bit the bullet. "You know, I've been meaning to say, the other night when you offered to let me use the jacuzzi, that was really sweet, but I did pack a swimsuit and I wouldn't mind using it together."

Then she felt her face flush as she remembered her legs, but Ted set her at ease on that immediately. "That's sweet of you, but you might not say it if you knew how I look in swimming trunks," he said. "Especially now when I can't go out and exercise."

Laurie's relief, coupled with the absurdity of his reservations when she thought he was looking wonderful, made her laugh. "I'm sorry, Ted!" she held up her hands to her face and tried to stop, but couldn't.

"Sorry for what?"

"Oh, well, you probably don't want to know."

"Not if you don't want to tell me, I guess."

"No, no, that's not fair," Laurie said. "You're so open with your insecurities about your body -- when incidentally, I think you look great, Ted."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. But here's the thing...about how I'd look in a swimsuit right about now...I forgot to bring a razor, so I haven't shaved my legs in two weeks."

"Oh, I think that's great!"

Laurie was sure he was joking, but his face looked perfectly serious, if pleasant. "Really?"

"Really. Remember I went to a really liberal, bohemian college. Lots of the women there didn't shave anywhere, and...you do learn to appreciate natural beauty, you really do."

"No kidding?" Laurie had heard of such things but never experienced them herself. Then again, she hadn't let anyone see her legs unshaven since she was 13 or so. So of course she wouldn't have noticed.

"No kidding," Ted said. "In fact, my girlfriend senior year...well, I'm sorry, I might be oversharing here..."

"We've already crossed that line, Ted." Laurie even considered hiking up her pant leg to show off, but she just couldn't do that quite yet.

Ted took a gulp of his wine. "Okay, yes, you're right. Anyway. My girlfriend senior year didn't shave, and she never tried to hide it. It was...unique, and beautiful, really it was. I even wrote a poem once for the school literary magazine. But some jerk posted a comment on our website saying 'Gross, it should be called 'Ape Lady Gets Lucky'." He took another swig of wine. "Asshole."

"Couldn't agree more," Laurie said. "I'm so sorry."

"It's in the past. All I'm saying, Laurie, is don't be embarrassed if you don't shave for a while. It's none of my business anyway." Then he grinned. "That goes for not wearing a bra, too."

DAY 13

They'd enjoyed the wine and even watched some television together after dinner, but Laurie had kept her bra on and her legs under wraps. But their deliciously intimate conversation had remained on her mind all through the evening, and she'd felt a spark of genuine care and friendship when he'd surprised her with a hug goodnight.

Laurie had been too tired to bother with the kernel of desire that had roared to life within her when she'd finally gone to bed, and of course she'd been all business through the morning as well. But at mid-afternoon, with work having hit a lull and with a driving rainstorm outside already putting her in a mood to curl up under the covers, Laurie finally decided she might as well stop ignoring the urge.