Mackie 03

Mackie 03

"Oops, park it right here, Mack Jr., pull it in right here and put it in park."

See, folks? I'm still fighting off being called Mack Jr. since my father was so well looked up to in Middleton. And because I didn't start transitioning my name first.

[Slow rolls up the parking slot along the Strip and puts in park, but stays inside of the truck because Mackie is still wearing flats]

"Well, well, well, oh, um, so, you're the Custodian tonight then, Mack Jr., ugh, I mean, Mackie and I really mean that I mean, Mackie, so?"

[A thumping noise and rustling sounds in the bed of the truck]

"Jay, what about my red lips and red cheeks says "Mack or Mack Jr.", hmm? And I'm the Tire Changer tonight, even though I'm wearing flats, by the way, so?"

[Oh, a different thumping sound from Tara hip bumping Jay clean out of the way]

"Hey, Mackie, what's up, hmm, office building night janitor, um, or something, hmm? And while wearing flats?"

"Tara, shut, oh, wait, I know that Oscar works at the office [shakes head], Tara, just take my credit card and go and buy me a pair of boots!"

[Snatch, swish, swoosh, well, that didn't take much]

"Anyways, what's up, Jay?"

[More hustling and bustling in the rear of the truck, psst, inhale, psst, inhale, psst, inhale]

"Oh, you know, I'm just out because my twin younger brothers are screaming bloody murder because the newest babysitter in town is impossible to schedule, so, the usual for the past three weeks, so, what the hell is a flat anyways, huh?"

[Points downwards like a crazy bag lady, reference the last chapter for more crazy pointing details]

"Oh, um, shoes, okay, um, I hit your trend on Chang with a like for the new Molly, um, who knew that old used air in old used tires works the same as Molly and is untraceable and are we going to fall into a moment soon or not, huh, Mackie? Like tonight? Like if you get out of your truck?"

[Elbow fighting in the rear of the truck for a tire needle nozzle, psst, inhale, psst, inhale, psst, inhale]

"Jay, look."

[Points, but not crazy bag lady pointing, at the sign next to the alley access walkway entrance that reads "Positively no side sex in the alley while wearing flats! Signed, the Hookers who invest in boots" in red lettering against a white background]

"Well, hell, that sucks harder than not being able to get the babysitter on the phone!"

[Passenger door creeps open and closed]

"Ta da, four pairs of boots! One for you and three for, um, just change out of your flats and shut it, Mackie! Also, ahem, if Jay wouldn't mind jumping in the back and suck on an old tire needle nozzle like the other guys are doing, ahem, I need a moment with Mackie Mack Jr."

[Thump, guys really can jump up and over into the bed of a truck then, so, huh?]

"Negotiate with me, Mackie."

"Hmm, for what, Tara?"

[Psst, inhale, psst, ahh, ahh, ooh, the dark sky is pink, psst, inhale, ahh, better than Molly, psst, inhale]

"I can't watch my cooking show for my twin younger brothers screaming about being so far down the list for the new babysitter in town and I'll trade..."

"Being my half TV watch girlfriend? While wearing a black smooth satin cup bra and a crop top? And at least look at my bed so I can say that I had a, um, um, and ankle socks?"

"Well, I can do half of that, Mackie, but not the girlfriend part, but for a TV prime viewing and quiet seat this Saturday because I'm pretty sure that a challenge meal is going to be thrown over the top floor kitchen railing to the ground level and I have to see that, so, that's the start of my negotiations, so?"

"Oh, I mean, I mean, I mean, can you trade back that your cousin, Lenny, might be working a booth at the Comi Con this Saturday night then, I mean, I mean, I mean, I'm just asking and all because I know the nerd squad is going and I mean, I mean, I mean, that info might be of a worthy trade back, so?"

"Oh, I mean, I mean, I mean, cousin Lenny just texted me and said that he wouldn't miss a Comi Con if he had two broken legs, two broken arms and a sprained neck, so, I mean, I mean, I mean, sure, Lenny will be there working his chain, email, chain, helmet something or other booth, so, Mackie, I mean, I mean, I mean, do we have a deal then, Mackie?"

"Sold!"

"Oh, I mean, I mean, I mean, my cousin Lenny is a freak and he just texted back again with if I might find a TV watching outfit, you know, like laying around and one like I could never, ever describe to my cousin, I mean, I mean, I mean, he just texted me that and all, so, take that up with him, so?"

I mean, most phones ping or ding when texts come in, right?

Well, whatever because even medieval times must have needed babysitters and maybe I went out and bought a slightly different party mini, so, what? That should work well with the black combat boots that Tara just bought me, which most certainly they had readily available thousands of years ago in the days of medieval, so.

[The bed of the truck is still active with inhaling old used tire air as the poor man's Molly]

"Ahh, inhale, hey Janitor in the driver's seat, we love you, psst, inhale, psst, inhale, psst, inhale, ahh and you look amazing in, psst, inhale, in yellow green hair, Wacky Mackie Wiki Woo! Psst, inhale, oh, OMG, duck everyone, incoming flying and diving ducks, I see flying incoming diving ducks!"

There were no diving ducks and my hair is brunette.

[Weep, an outgoing text to Nathan, just in case]

"Nathan, I need a rescue, quick!"

[Whoop, huh, Nathan responded]

"What from, Mackie?"

[Weep, an outgoing text to Nathan because he responded]

"From diving ducks! From old used tire air!"

[Weep, an outgoing text to Nathan because he responded]

"OMG! I'm on my way! Protect your head! And your red lips!"

Huh, someone should put things like this in a book or something.

[Ping, subset trending on (pause) Chang (pause), diving flying ducks after old tire used air (pause), ping]

Well, my "like" only counts as one, so, talk to everyone else.

"[Rear tailgate creaks down, clunk] okay, Mackie, half hit the gas and these buzzed up dudes and the three old used tires will just gently roll out, so, half hit it."

Well, Nathan came to my rescue with a rescue plan, so, talk to him about buzzed up dudes rolling around on the Strip.

[SQUEAL! PEEL! SCREECH!]

Well, what the hell do I know about hitting it with half gas, hmm? I mean, there's a gas pedal and some movement space and then the floor and I had brand new combat boots on, so.

[Thumb, thump, grab that tire, thump, tuck and roll, ouch, grab that tire, thump, tuck and roll, ouch]

"Well, Mackie, that isn't exactly what I meant, but it worked. So, um, Tara said, I mean, Tara was saying, I mean, I mean, I mean, Tara may have mentioned that..."

"Oh, I'll see you at your booth at the Comi Con and if you get out early enough, I mean, we can talk or even hook up, but I must warn you that I bought latex kitchen gloves instead of latex condoms because I was all high and stuff on old used rubber tire air, so?"

Huh, I guess they all do pass out. And hey, I'm active now and single, so, shut it. And by the way, latex kitchen gloves look a lot like condoms! When you're all high and stuff on bad air from a needle nozzle.

[Knock, knock]

"Enter, your quiet and undisturbed viewing area awaits you [bow bends with a cute curtsy]. [Well, with a curtsy anyways]."

"Well, you knew that I would bring Tyler with me anyways, Mackie, so?"

"Oh, I mean, I mean, I did know that, Tara, especially since you texted me and said that Tyler was coming with you and I mean, I mean, I mean, Tyler, there is man beer, like red and blue bottles of beer in the refrigerator and I went ahead and bought you a nice pair of PJ bottoms that are perfect for watching TV with matching designer boxers and all the snacks and food that you might want are literally everywhere, so?"

[Oh, Tara intervened with all that]

"That's enough, ahem, babysitter! I thought you retired that look, hmm? And I'm pretty sure that medieval babysitters didn't look so, um, goth! Well, maybe they did, what do I know, right?"

"And there is a couple of things for you to wear as well, Tara, that may not be general TV viewing area appropriate, so you can and ahem, and will watch your cooking show from the comfort of my bed (and sign my guest book as a woman was in my bed), so?"

"Oh, well, I mean, I mean, I mean, you drive a hard bargain then, Mackie, so, um..."

"Fresh linen, a box of kitchen gloves, I mean, those other latex things, a catch bowl, towels and just about everything one might need to make an absolute mess out of things, while keeping everything fairly clean, so, um, Tyler, you may or may not find a cheap robe to wear, if that becomes required because I think Franny and William will show up and if a neighbor catches a glimpse of a woman bouncing around in a sheer ebony nightie through that side window right there, then sobeit, but record it and I mean, let your famous Chef G start throwing the skillet pans from the top floor then!"

"(Psst, babe, we're keeping the babysitter, right?)"

"(Psst, hush Tyler and have an energy drink before you have a beer because his bed is going to be womanized tonight!)"

"(Beep, beep)"

"Tee he, be careful with that car full of nerds, my fair babysitter maiden. And warn text me before you arrive back home and um, tootles."

[The SUV door creeps open and closed]

"Tee he, we're going to get arrested for driving around with the babysitter, tee he."

"Drive, Billy. And all of three of you nerds had better say something nice about my appearance tonight, so?"

"{Billy} tee he, are you wearing a bra, Mackie Mack Jr.?"

"I am, Billy, a dress like this sort of requires a bra and yes, it's padded and stuffed, next."

"{Joel} tee he, is the Comi Con at the No Roof hotel this year, tee he?"

"It is not, Joel, that was last year, next."

"{Carl} tee he, can we get lost on the way home tonight, tee he?"

"Absolutely not, Carl since Billy has a modern GPS system and..."

[Crash, fist smash the GPS screen!]

"And since the Comi Con is at the Middleton Civic Center, I mean, we could almost walk home, so, drive then, Billy. And eyes front work best for driving, so."

Oh, I know none of that was much of saying that I looked nice, but if you knew the nerd crew, I mean, that was pretty good.

[Chime, a secret incoming emergency text]

"Billy, hang a quick left!"

[Screech, wheel hop, hop, hop, squeal]

Well, he just smashed his GPS screen, so, I had to give driving instructions the old fashion way. Which I have no idea how people even survived back in the day without GPS, sheesh. I mean, the lady's voice is quite soothing, right?

"Here, Mackie? Is this the place?"

"Here and stay in SUV and I mean, stay in SUV and hush your mouths that we were ever here and I'll pay back with a game day, um, visit, I won't be long."

[Knock, knock, and the door flings open!]

"OMG, finally, you made it, Mackie. I mean, I sorry for the late notice and all, but um, gentlemen, hubby's, the babysitter is here."

[Scramble, chairs and tables smash about, crash, books fall from the shelves, smash, and a gentle approach]

"Oh, I wasn't aware that we needed a babysitter tonight, Bonnie, but then what (boing) do I know, so, tee he, can I get you a cocktail? Or five?"

"Oh, tee he, Mr. Banters, I just stopped by because I promised your younger son that I would take a selfie in his, um, super hero cave, I mean, he asked for it and all, so, couples swinging is a thing, you know, especially when you find within yourselves to switch back again and maybe back again one more time and oh, well, well, well, Mr. & Mrs. Henderson, how are you and how is my tire monkey, Hanky Poo, hmm?"

"(Bonk!) I mean..."

"(Blah, blah, flirt, flirt, touch, touch, blah, blah, flirt, flirt, boing, boing, boing, Boink!)"

"Time! That's enough babysitter! (Don't [stuffs a tip into a fingerless glove hand] take so long to get here next time with your babysitter magic, sweetie, bye."

Well, sometimes 50 something men need a little help, that's all.

"That wasn't very quick, Mackie!"

"Drive, Billy."

"You fuck old people, but you won't fuck us, huh?"

[Pow! Nerds are used to shiners]

"I pose, I flirt, I talk and maybe I gently touch, but nothing more! Drive or get another shiner!"

Should I tell him that I do the same thing at his parent's house? Naw, right?

"And I just said that I will up the game at your next game day, so, shut it and drive while you still have one good seeing eye (just don't tell your daddy that I'm in his basement)."

Um, yeah, we have a weird ass, um, hand bumpy fist thingy, so. I mean, I just stick my hand and they do the rest, so.

"SOB! How did you pukes get so lucky to have your babysitter escort you to a Comi Con, huh? I was lucky to have my babysitter, Mrs. Battle Axe, take me out for a hot dog and the park was right next door!"

"Oh, oh, that's because we're the new breed of nerds and babysitters fall for our charms! Four tickets and dream jealous of our sex appeal, puke, because you're the puke, you puke!"

Hmm, sex appeal? Well, there is someone for everyone, so, it could happen. I mean, not here, but somewhere, right?

"Tee he, don't mind them, Mr. Puke, they are on cloud nine tonight [ahh, the famous index finger stroke under the chin thing, hmm], so, it's George, right? From, um, English class, right?"

"Oh, since you turned your back on me like forever, I mean, I'm surprised that you remembered that we had English class together, but I thought we might start with how you turned your back on me during the home coming game, so?"

"Oh, is sitting in bleachers, facing the football field, exactly the same as turning my back on you then, George since you were sitting behind me, hmm? Did you ever once try saying "I mean, hey there, Mackie, I mean, we could get a Frosty Tipped Frozen Twirl together or something, I mean, we could or something, Mackie, I mean, I mean, I mean, I'm asking so" ever even once, George, hmm?"

"Oh, well those are real words and geeky nerds don't use real words, but let's talk about those times that you sat facing away from me in the lunch room every day and that time you were in Chad's front seat when I was in my mom's rusted out soccer mom minivan and we were behind you in traffic and let's not forget about how your back was to me every day in History class because the teacher wanted you and your legs in the front row and how I chose to sit in the back row and the list literally goes on and on forever, Mack Jr., so?"

"Oh, you just "Mack Jr." your way out of a private conversation the Men's room in the rear of the Civic Center later, George! It's Mackie! Unless you wanted to get felt up by a Mack Jr. in the Men's room, so?"

See, folks? They all always pass out.

"Team, Comi Con team, we have a passed-out nerd clean up situation at the ticket table, team, clean up!"

"Well, he tried to blame everything on me for what didn't happen back in school when I would have gone to the Frosty Tipped Frozen Twirl Shop with him for an appropriate date for our ages, so?"

"Wait, first of all, tee he, you expected a nerd to actually say something (tee he, tee he) and use real words and then, how would it be age appropriate since you just now look, um, 15, huh?"

Well, makeup and hair barrettes, right? They are both magic.

"Oh, oh, I'm 20 years, four months and nine days, Mr. Cheap Suit! But I'll take that as a compliment since my side goal was to get my old nerd crew arrested for dating the babysitter, so, Comi Con nerd team, wake George up so I can nut kick him for messing up!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not go kicking anybody in the nuts (tee he, especially with those tooth pick legs, tee, he), so [groin knee] ouch!"

Well, a knee is a knee. And I said before that I have a meat issue with my legs, so, shut it and deal with it. I mean, I have to, so.

"[In a squeaky voice] we don't have a medieval babysitter booth, so, good luck [plop]."

I mean, I don't know why Mr. Suit off the Rack passed out. But I liked the shark skin look. But it's his fault for getting smart with me while not wearing a chain, um, email chain thingamabob suit instead.

Or, and my other three nerd buds, yeah, they passed out from witnessing and listening to all that.

"Oh, I mean, I'm keeping my distance from you, but tee he, I never saw so many nerds hit the floor at the same time, um, I'm Victor and if you're really 20 years, four months and nine days, I mean, do you want to walk around and pass out Gork monster booth promo brochures tonight, um, huh?"

"Oh, do I get to wear a black t-shirt that says Middleton Comi Con on the front and Staff on the back, hmm, Victor?"

"Oh, whew, that's an easy one, so, yeah, that's how it works, so?"

"h, well, I stuff my bra, so?"

"Oh, whew, it's getting a little tougher, um, it suits your persona, so?"

"Oh, well, I mean, I mean, I mean, are they Comi Con shirts that are really long that I could wear as a sleepy time nighty night PJ shirt, hmm?"

"Oh, sweating a little, I mean, I'll have Eugene check on that, I mean, is that a deal breaker or what, um, it's Mackie, right?"

"Oh, no, it's not a deal breaker, but sometimes in my bedroom, maybe I like to dress up like a hooker before I crawl into my bed, so? And extra tight, please, like a knitted party dress."

Well, I didn't mean for Victor to pass out. But maybe that's the vision of my tooth pick legs existing out of a painted on sleepy shirt mini.

"I'm going to check, I'm going to check, I'm going to check..."

"Excuse me!"

"Oh, I mean, I mean, I mean, I'll check in the back stock boxes for a sleepy time mini shirt, um, can I go as far as hey there, then, huh? Obviously, I'm Eugene, so."

"Well, Eugene, let's [a groaning awake and a kick back out] start with what a Gork monster is, so?"

"Oh, I mean, I mean, I mean, green skin, bumps everywhere, claws, bow legged and white hair, so?"

"Oh, Eugene, I mean, I mean, I mean, I would totally wear a white, white, white hair piece weave three times in the coming months, I mean, once at a pool party, where I wear something appropriate and paint the goth girls or the nerd girls toenails and once at a house party, in somewhat shaggy and sloppy pigtails, where I could wander around and hold a red plastic beer cup filled with ice tea and once during a more quiet and private time when I'm not in charge of buying any latex products because I'm addicted to the buzz of old used rubber tire air now and I'd probably drift off to sleep on someone's shoulder on the couch, so?"

Well, I didn't think they would all pass out.

"Comi Con cleanup crew, huddle up!"

[Huddle, huddle, painted nails, giggling and ice tea, huddle, huddle, sun glasses and bikinis, huddle, huddle, maybe some boners, huddle, huddle, lady's, I can't have any part of this, huddle, huddle, hush, Josh, you might get a Boi blow job, huddle, huddle, keep talking, ladies, huddle, huddle, just let him walk around and talk, huddle, huddle, explain things, huddle, huddle, break]

"Ahem, our toenails need a babysitter tomorrow about 2pm and we're locals. I'm Janet, this is Joanie, this is Jeanie and this is Josh, so? And the Gork monster booth has white blonde wigs, even if they're not the best and we'll trust that whatever you said about dressing appropriate is appropriate, um, huddle up!"

[Huddle, huddle, are we going to be appropriate, huddle, huddle, oh, I need to get inappropriate, huddle, huddle, I'm tried of my toy, huddle, huddle, you have a toy, huddle, huddle, my hair brush, huddle, huddle, I'm so glad that I can just whack off, huddle, huddle, (whop, a hook to Josh's nose), huddle, huddle, I'm tanning topless at 3pm, huddle, huddle, I'm in, huddle, huddle (whop, an elbow to Josh's nose), huddle, huddle, break]