Making Changes Ch. 03 - Alex

"What's this, Ryan, you got a boyfriend?" he's responding to what they've been talking about and I see a look of annoyance flash over Ryan's face.

"Not exactly Robbie, just a guy I've been seeing."

"Wait, you're dating a guy?" It's out of my mouth before I can suck it back in, what a dumb statement - he's just said he's seeing a guy, so I have no idea why I feel the need to re-confirm, except because of the excitement I feel that Robbie's claim he's an ice queen might not be right. Although, if Ryan already seemed vaguely frustrated by Robbie's question, mine has definitely exacerbated that.

Later that day I get the opportunity to see it first-hand as I head to my truck and see him approach a big guy next to an equally big Chevrolet. The guy wraps his arms around Ryan, and I get a twist in my gut that I'm smart enough to recognize as jealousy. He's got a fucking hipster beard and I realize the reason Ryan mustn't fuck with guys from school is because he's into older guys. Well, that feels shit. Though at least if I know I haven't got a chance I might be able to have an actual normal conversation with him instead.

* * * * *

At the weekend I head to what the team are calling the annual jock cook-out. Everyone from the team is in Jett's massive back garden with barbecues going and insane amounts of food laid out on long trestle tables on the patio. All the parents are here too, including Kev, although I'm a bit weirded out at how friendly everyone is with each other.

Later, most people have gone, all the parents at least, and Jett's parents have gone to bed at the front of the house, so we're hanging out round the fire pit in the back, some quiet music playing on the speakers and the cold beers cracked out. I'm pretty pleased that these guys don't seem to pay too much attention to the legal drinking age. Back home I was going to the pub and very legally able to drink, and had been worried that things would be a lot more pious here.

Unfortunately, a side effect of a few beers is how it lowers people's inhibitions just a little too much. The guys are talking about sex and, as I assume they're mainly straight, this is not a conversation I want to get involved in. Then one of the guys, Maxwell, decides it would be a good idea to start fucking with me.

"So, Alex, looks like you've been taking a ride on the Robbie train?"

"Yeah, and?"

"Nothing man, don't mean anything by it," yeah, they never do, "it's just, you mustn't mind that he's been around the track a few times."

Eurgh, would like to smack his smug face.

"Yeah, well I assume he hasn't been riding solo. How is your girlfriend anyway? Casey isn't it?"

I shoot him my best threatening glare and it seems to do the trick. I do notice, with interest, that several of the other guys are conspicuously and awkwardly avoiding all eye contact during this interaction and mentally tick off a few names of guys who maybe aren't quite as straight as they claim. Taylor though, laughs and gives me a subtle thumbs up, huh, maybe I was wrong about him - I decide I'll ask Robbie to confirm some names, make sure I'm not blindsided again.

One who definitely isn't straight, and proud of it, is Charlie. He's not on the football team, but he surely qualifies as a jock; tall, with broad muscular shoulders and a strong jaw. His blond hair is neat and he has an air of total awareness of how cool he is - I kind of like it. It seems like the turn of the conversation has made the others braver, and Jett puts his elbows on his knees, leaning forward seriously.

"So, Charlie, how are things with you and Zack?"

"Amazing, thanks, Jett," Charlie chuckles.

"I've been meaning to ask you...well, you weren't gay at the start of last year, and then you were, and in this serious relationship...how does that work?"

Charlie doesn't even seem fazed, "Jett, I was gay, I just didn't realize it. Turns out I actually had a thing for Ryan, why do you think I was such a dick to him all the time?"

Taylor laughs, "Yeah, well I did wonder."

"So, it isn't just Zack you're into, you're gay for other guys too?"

"If you're asking if I'm actually gay, then yeah I am. It's not just some one-off thing, though I plan on being with Zack forever, he's not just temporary, that's for sure."

"But you picked Zack, so does that mean you're not gay for Ryan anymore?"

Charlie sighs, "Jett, I think you're having a bit of a fundamental misunderstanding over what being gay is. If you try to think of it exactly like being straight, except instead of girls it's guys..."

"Oh yeah!" Jett seems like he's having some kind of epiphany, and I can't help the snort of laughter, but he's not finished, "so you are still attracted to Ryan then, I mean, it's not like he's got less hot."

I listen with interest to Charlie's response: "Yeah, Jett, I still find Ryan attractive. In fact, Zack does too. We have joked around and said if Ryan had shown the slightest bit of interest in either of us back then we probably wouldn't have ended up together. In fact, we both have him on our free pass list."

"Wait," I interrupt, "so either of you could have sex with him and the other wouldn't be bothered?"

"Yup, he's the only non-celebrity too. Though I think if one of us did it and didn't share the other would be pissed," he snickers into his beer.

Well that's thought-provoking, though I'm glad the conversation turns to less personal things after that.

* * * * *

Homecoming is this weekend and I'm disproportionately excited. It's the first proper party of the year, though Ryan has promised me there's plenty more to come, even though he says he doesn't go to Homecoming. That's right, Ryan, with whom I have been having actual one-to-one conversations. Well, about three total actual conversations to-date, the most recent when we arrived at school this morning. But it was just between the two of us, so it counts. I wouldn't say I'm exactly smooth around him, he makes my heart beat too hard and my forehead break out in sweat in a very unflattering way, but he seems to be warming up to me.

However, he didn't come to school on Friday, and seems a little paler even than usual today, so I hope he's not going to be too sick to come. That would ruin my plan for... another conversation.

We find out what the problem is at lunch, when Taylor comes over and hugs Ryan, looking all sympathetic and shit. Robbie hones straight in on it, as he does, and it turns out Ryan has broken up with the guy I saw him with. Woo-hoo, now that excites me, although I don't know why, I mean, Ryan has literally never shown any indication he could be into me, barely even as a friend.

Ryan seems okay with the whole thing, and makes some comment about not wanting to get tied down too soon. I can't help it, I just get this image of what his perfectly smooth, light skin would look like cuffed, bound lightly to the bed, what he'd look like writhing and moaning, desperate to be touched. Yup, I have a minor kink.

The words are out before I can stop them, "Getting tied down can be fun," and I have to leave before I pop a boner in the middle of the cafeteria, but based on the look of shock that passes his face, Ryan doesn't share my kink, and I kick myself for coming on like a sleaze, probably ruining any hope of him becoming attracted to me.

* * * * *

That night, I'm slouching around at home, generally being a grade-A sook, thinking about Ryan. I don't understand why this boy, regardless of how beautiful, who will barely say three words to me, is getting so deep into my head.

I knock a couple of balls in on the pool table, but my heart's not in it so I saunter into the kitchen, which is more marble, where Kev is sat at the breakfast bar, working on his computer. I grab a beer from the fridge and wave it at Kev in an invitation.

He shakes his head, "Think of your brain cells," he jokes.

"I think most of mine are already gone," I slump on the stool next to him and down half my watery excuse for a beer.

"Jesus, Alex, did the world come to an end and no one told me?"

I raise a weak smile. But Kev is on it now. He can read people like no one else, and I know that today's the day I've stopped avoiding him for a reason. I want him to read me, and to make everything okay, like he did when my mum left, like he did when I came out.

"Did you stop seeing Robbie?" I have no idea how he gets straight to the heart of it so easily, I wonder if there is a flashing banner saying 'love life' over my head.

"No, but I'm going to, soon. He'll be okay with it, I think - we aren't emotionally involved."

"But you are emotionally involved with someone else?"

"No... but I want to be. But he doesn't even look at me, and I just word vomit any time I'm around him. He must think I'm such an idiot."

"I find that hard to believe. You aren't an idiot and it sounds to me like you're over thinking it, which isn't like you at all," I ignore the gentle jibe, "which tells me this crush must be pretty serious.

"I can give you all the advice in the world about trusting your gut and being yourself, but you know all that already, so my only advice is to speak to him. Not about your obsession," now he's really taking the piss, "just about other stuff, find out what he likes, what he does. The more you do that, the less 'word vomiting' you'll do, and who knows, maybe you'll even manage to be friends and stop thinking with your dick for five minutes."

He's not being harsh, we do speak to each other like that. He likes that he doesn't have to be diplomatic around me, and I like the fact that he's capable of it. I give him a hug to thank him for his words, which are hitting home pretty hard, and go to my room.

That's it really, isn't it? I've been so focused on the fact that I'm attracted to Ryan that I don't even know him. I will converse through the stuttering and the nerves and focus on being friends. Maybe that will quell the crush once and for all.

* * * * *

I think I do a decent job of it the rest of the week. We talk about the music he likes - he tells me he has forty-two music related t-shirts, which is pretty impressive and explains why I haven't yet seen the same one twice. I find out he works in a nice coffee shop that I actually went into when I first arrived, they make really good flat whites and call them Americanos - he definitely hadn't been working that day though, there isn't a chance I'd have missed him. I discover he's really good at English, the top student, and he offers to help me with an essay that's due, which makes my heart and stomach do some very strange things, but I manage to just say thanks instead of stuttering or spitting.

I'd managed to get the guys to agree to Homecoming, which they try to act relaxed about, but I don't think they'd intended to go until I'd asked. Ryan, in particular, seemed uncertain, which makes sense if he doesn't usually go, so I'm incredibly pleased to see he's gone through with it when we arrive at Aubrey's.

And it isn't just because he looks incredible; in a slim fitting shirt that clings to his lean but strong frame, tucked smoothly into his sexy black trousers. Christ, he has a nice ass. He fixes the button-hole, that Aubrey's aunt Linda got for us all, into my jacket. I can't help but stare at his eyes, as glorious as the night-sky, as he fastens it to me, and he glances back, his pupils dilating as we make contact. I know I can't read anything into that, but I want to, so much.

At the ball I dance with Robbie. He's such a sweet kid, and is genuinely surprised that I want to dance with him in public, though I find the way he and Ryan hide their true selves away a bit bizarre. It's not like everyone doesn't know they're into guys, but they seem confused about the fact that I'm not ashamed to show it, even though they're perfectly proud of their own orientations.

Robbie dances with Ryan next, and I'm pleased that I've, maybe, been the one to give him the confidence to just get out there and have fun. I know he's not interested in Ryan sexually anymore, so I'm not jealous when they dance close, not of their relationship, anyway, but maybe a little of the way Robbie leans in close to whisper in Ryan's ear, only because I wish that was me.

* * * * *

A couple of weeks later, at Charlie's Halloween party, I'm beginning to regret choosing Ned Kelly as my outfit. No one knows who he is so I'm spending the entire night explaining him to people instead of having fun, and the beard is itchy. Ryan looks predictably gorgeous, done up like something from Hook's ship.

At Aubrey's he'd turned up looking cute, more than cute, in ripped black jeans and a striped red and white long-sleeved t-shirt, with black fabric cut into an eye patch. Aubrey took one look and got to work on him and when she'd finished I was thankful my trousers were made of thick fabric.

She's cut his t-shirt in jagged points along the bottom so it reveals almost the entirety of his toned abs, and drawn a perfect skull and crossbones on the little material that remained with a fabric pen. The leftover material created a bandana, although I think he was a little pissed that she messed with his hair, and a patch that she deftly sewed onto the jeans, which she's cut in matching jags. She's finished him off with a wide brown belt that hangs off his lean hips, borrowed from her aunt, and that go with his broken-in brown boots, and a sword crafted from cardboard and tin foil.

He passes me a bottle of beer and takes one for himself.

"So, what do you think of my outfit?" he asks, sounding almost shy.

Without thought I say: "You look like the sexiest pirate I've ever seen."

He laughs and blushes, and I realize with embarrassment that that is the first thing I've said to him that reveals something about how I see him, and it had to be something so gauche, so crude. Damn my stupid brain.

Before I can recover Robbie approaches, unusually lacking in his usual sensitivity, but I manage to control my mouth this time and not curse him out, even when Ryan disappears into the throng of people.

"Alex, can we talk?"

He seems serious, and I nod, wondering what's on his mind.

We go and sit by the huge bonfire, on the cut trunk of a tree. Charlie really knows how to go all out, and some people are even toasting marshmallows. I look across the fire and make eye contact with Ryan, just for a moment, his eyes black liquid vortexes in this light, reflecting flames and holding so much promise. I pull my gaze away, feeling guilty that these feelings are intensifying instead of reducing into friendship, even more guilty that I'm ignoring Robbie's needs, he deserves more than that.

"What did you want to talk about?"

"It's not about what I want to talk about, it's about what you need to say to me."

"Huh?"

"Listen, Alex, we agreed this would just be a friends with benefits situation, and I've had a great few weeks, but it's pretty apparent that it has to stop now."

"Why is it so apparent?"

"I know you've always been into Ryan, and I've never minded. And I would never stand in your way-"

"But nothing is going on with me and Ryan, I don't think he even sees me in that way. We're just being friends."

"Okay, if you think he doesn't see you that way then you're dumber than a box of rocks. He definitely sees you that way. And I've seen the way you're becoming more like yourself around him - you were such a tool at first, seriously, so I think you're going to be ready to make a move soon.

"Besides, I want to thank you. You've treated me better than I've ever been treated by a guy. You've always been honest, and I think you've helped me learn some stuff about myself that's going to come in handy going forward."

Bless this kid, he really is the sweetest. I put my arm over his shoulder, bringing him in for a hug.

"You know what, Robbie? I think you might have taught me a thing or two about myself, too."

"If that's the case, I do have one more favor to ask of you. Seeing as how I'm likely to not get laid for a while because I'm going to be saying no to jocks and thinking about myself more, would you give me one last goodbye fuck? For luck?"

I laugh, pleased to see he hasn't changed too much of himself.

* * * * *

We find a darkened and quiet room at the front of the house, a study. I pull Robbie to me, determined to make our last time together a good one, kissing him deeply, feeling him respond beneath me, his slight body pressed firmly against my chest. I walk him backward until his body connects lightly with the huge empty desk.

I unfasten his overalls, pushing them off his shoulders and down, where they clink into a heap by his ankles and I join them on my knees. I laugh to myself when I realize he's not wearing underwear, though I shouldn't have been surprised, and I lick along his shaft, already hardened in arousal, forcing a moan from his throat.

I suck him hard, sliding up and down with a constant pressure, encouraging him to push his hips into me, to use my mouth, my fingers pressing into the soft rounded flesh of his ass. I pull back for a moment, running my tongue over his glans, across his leaking tip, sucking just the head into my mouth as my hand twists the shaft lightly, slick with my split.

"Fuck, Alex, that feels good," he twines his fingers in my hair and I like the sharpness, let him push my face further onto him, until he's buried in my throat, pumping forward, directing his cum straight into me.

I stand and kiss him, letting him taste his cum on me before turning him around and gently bending him over the desk. I crouch again, probing at his ass with my tongue, while he pulls my head to him, twisting to watch me. I wink at him as I push forward, entering his eager hole, flicking rapidly.

"Fuck me, Alex," he moans, "back pocket."

I know what he means and fish inside his pocket on the floor, seeking out the condom and travel packet of lube. The boy's a proper boy scout. When I've prepared him I push forward, feeling him encase my hardness with his talented ass, the muscles tensing and releasing along my length.

We're building a rhythm when the noise from the party suddenly becomes louder and light flows into the room. Fuck. Is that Ryan? He stands still for a moment, hand on the door handle, before turning to leave with a muttered apology.

"Hey, Ryan, don't go," the words are out before I can stop them, I mean, it's possible he didn't even realize it was us, and I've just done the sure-fire thing to get him to not want me the way I want him. There's nothing like watching a love interest fucking someone else to quell any ardor, I know that from personal experience.

He pauses, then strides over to the desk, standing in front of Robbie, who's resting his head on the desk, and pushes up onto his hands when Ryan approaches.

"Hi Ryan, you wanna join in?" such a sweet invitation from a sweet guy, but not what I want to hear right now.

He sounds understandably nervous, "No Robbie, I don't, though thanks for the offer. I want to ask you a question, and I hope you won't be offended." I stop moving completely now, barely breathing, wanting to hear what Ryan has to say about this.

"Why do you let the jocks use you like this Robbie? You know they'll never offer you anything more than a quick fuck, and they'll be off again once they've got what they wanted - usually going off with some girl."

Robbie squeezes his ass muscles as he thinks, I think trying to get a message across to me, but instead all he's doing is sending me to a conclusion I do not want to reach while Ryan is standing right there.

"Listen Ryan, I know you've always struggled to understand me. You've turned your nose up at every guy who's ever been interested in you, and you don't get why I don't do the same. If a guy is hot and interested, even if it's only fleeting, I'm happy to go for it, because I'm eighteen and I really, really like cock. Why would I care if I have a reputation for being easy - I am, though I'm careful too, and it's like you said yourself, it isn't like I want to settle down.