Making Changes Ch. 06

* * * * *

Alex

I pull away from Hunter, whipping my towel away.

"There. Nothing."

His eyes narrow, pissed. To him, the fact that I didn't get hard kissing him is a big deal, because he used to love teasing me when we were together, laughing how easy it was to get me riled up. I'm a little older now, a little more in control of my body, but that wasn't the reason. I felt nothing when I kissed him, except for maybe some disgust. Not really at him, though I have enough reasons to be disgusted with him, more at the situation. I didn't enjoy kissing him at all, not because he was him, but because he wasn't Ryan. Shit, have I become a one-man guy?

* * * * *

It takes me a few minutes to work out Ryan has left. The house is big enough that he could be here and me not know, until I ask his mom.

"Did you boys have a fight?" she asks sympathetically, "he came downstairs like a bat out of hell, grabbed his stuff and left. I left him to it - you know what he's like when he's mad, needs time alone."

Not really. He's never really been mad at me, not since we became a couple anyway. Then it hits me what she said. 'Came downstairs'. Fuck. I have to explain to him, before his head fills it in.

He's not picking up his phone and after the first time, when he clearly rejected the call, it's going straight to voicemail, so I think he's switched it off. That worries me. Before, I'd have said there was no way he'd do anything dumb, but his mum has just highlighted in stark relief that I don't really know that much about this man, my man, other than the fact I'm certifiably crazy about him.

I phone Aubrey - she seems like a likely shoulder for him, but she's visiting family up north this week and is a couple of hours away, so not her. I know he hasn't gone to Mad, because her and Tay are with her family for Christmas in St Barts. Hai is hanging with his buddy Jayden, but he kindly phones his mum for me to check Ryan didn't go round there - he didn't.

I have my fingers crossed when I phone Robbie. He seems the most unlikely candidate, not because they aren't close, but because Robbie specializes in bitchiness and hard-hitting advice rather than soothing tea and biscuits.

"'Sup, Alex?" he answers my call after far too many rings.

"Robbie, hi, is Ryan with you?"

There's a short pause, "Nope," I know he's lying - he's pretty good at it, but that pause meant everything.

"Please, Robbie, I'm worried about him. If he's with you please just tell me."

This pause is filled with muffled whispers.

"Fine, I'm here Alex. Now kindly fuck off," and he hangs up on me.

* * * * *

I'm filled with relief, but not for long. That quick mind of his has already filled in the blanks, and if he saw what I suspect he saw, the place where his brain is taking him is not unreasonable. But I know how he cut Alister off after he caught him cheating, and I'm not planning on ending up on the reject pile quite that easily.

Robbie lives barely a couple of blocks away and I'm there in minutes. His mum opens the glossy blue-painted door and, taking one look at me, gestures up the stairs. I bound up them, two at a time and burst through Robbie's door.

The exasperated look on his face stops me, but he pushes past me to shout down the stairs.

"Mom, I told you not to let anyone up."

"I'm not here to curate your sick love life," she screams back up - Robbie's mum really is a piece of work.

He slumps at his desk.

"So talk," he gestures between me and Ryan, who is laying on the bed with his back to me, "I think you should start, Alex. It's not looking good for you."

I hate the slightly twisted look he's throwing me - like he's really mad at me, but also feels sorry for me, and, for the first time, cold fear grips my heart that Ryan has made his mind up already. I know he's proud, but I need to get him to listen.

"Ryan, baby, please will you let me explain what you saw?"

He doesn't say anything.

"Ryan, I'm guessing you saw me kissing Hunter."

He hisses then, which sounds like the steam of fury building in his head escaping from his mouth. Christ, I hope he did see that, otherwise I've just made it a lot tougher than it needed to be. But, yes, I'm sure he did. Nothing else would have garnered this reaction. Ryan doesn't overreact to stuff.

"It was nothing, I promise. I had to prove to him that he was nothing to me anymore. That was the only way I could get through to him."

Ryan sits up now, facing me. My heart breaks at his beautiful eyes, red-rimmed with unshed tears.

"The only way you could convince him you aren't interested was by sticking your tongue down his throat?" his voice is dripping with disdain.

"No, I had to prove that kissing him doesn't make me hard anymore."

Robbie lets out a burst of laughter, but Ryan just looks incredulous.

"So, not only did you make out with him, you got naked for him too?"

"Yeah, naked, and very soft, not even a glimmer of a semi."

Robbie laughs again, and I'm almost certain I see the faintest grin cross Ryan's face, but then he hardens again.

"Alex, this is the first inclination I've had that he's even anything more to you than a friend, why weren't you honest with me?"

"I was pretty shocked that he even had the nerve to turn up here. He ruined my life, Ryan. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking of you, I'm so, so sorry, it was selfish of me to not consider your reaction to him turning up like that."

I'm desperate to get him to listen to me. The more I think of it, the dumber I know I was to kiss Hunter like that, whatever the reason, but if I can just get Ryan to listen, maybe he'll understand why I did it.

"Robbie?"

To my surprise, and Robbie's too, Ryan turns to him, demanding some of that on-the-nose advice now.

"I think: you hear him out. Then make your mind up. You're the only person who can decide if Alex's explanation is enough for you to forgive what he did."

* * * * *

I'm barely believing my luck that Ryan agreed. We're in the diner now, the place we had our first proper date, and he's sucking delicately on his pistachio milkshake. I have to avert my eyes - I definitely wouldn't be able to do the towel trick on him.

"So talk," he growls, but there's a hopeful look in his eyes, and I know he wants this to be as good an explanation as I hope it is.

"When I went to St Damien's Hunter was my best friend from the first day. Everyone used to say we were basically the same person, split in two. When I told him I was gay, he was supportive - the only person, except Kev, who I knew I could trust with my secret, because it was a secret back then.

Eventually, I started to get out there a bit, found some more guys at school who were gay too, had a few friends with benefits situations, though I was largely still in the closet - I knew it wouldn't go down well with my teammates. And," I pause, thinking this is one of the moments where it could all go wrong, but I have to be truthful with Ryan, or he'll never trust me, "I was in love with Hunter the whole time.

"Or, at least, I thought I was, back then. But it didn't matter, Hunter was definitely straight. Was dating some girl from the girls' school across town, and we chugged along for a long while, and I was fine.

"Then, he split up with his girlfriend. And it quickly became clear that he was jealous that I spent so much time with the other guys, time he'd never noticed when he had her. One day, he came to me, told me he'd be my friend with benefits instead, if it meant he could spend more time with me. He insisted he was still straight, but that he loved me and would do what it took to get that time with me.

"It's pretty messed up, when you think about it, but I didn't, not back then. I was just ecstatic that I was going to have everything I wanted with my best friend.

"Obviously, it wasn't all love's young dream. We had a lot of good times together, but we argued, mainly over the fact that he continued to insist he was completely straight, even after he bottomed for me a few times, and loved it."

Ryan interrupts now, "So...so you were bottoming for him, the other times?"

I look into his eyes, "Yeah, I kinda had to, when we started that was the only thing he'd agree to. I didn't mind it, but...all the stuff that happened, it gave me bad memories, and I hadn't found anyone else I was willing to be that vulnerable for."

"'Hadn't'?"

"Yeah, 'hadn't'," I smile at him, not wanting to assume anything, but wanting to assure him that I'm still in this, one hundred percent.

"Anyway, it all came to a head toward the end of the year. Although we said we loved each other all the time, were in a proper relationship behind closed doors, we were fighting more than ever. I came out and he was refusing to spend time with me in public, claiming people were starting to talk. It made me so mad, that he was rejecting me like that but still wanted everything where no one could see.

"I tried to be patient. I'd never push someone to come out, but it was the way he was rejecting our friendship that hurt. Then I went to his room one day and found him balls deep in Logan, one of our closest friends. Who was also, apparently, straight, by the way.

"Hunter went off on me then, the names he called me- I couldn't understand why he was rejecting me so fully. He told me the whole thing had been a mistake, a joke, that I was just a convenient fuck when he didn't have a girl around.

"And then it went to shit. To this day, I have no idea why he took it that far, but he printed a heap of posters, pinned them up all around the school, outing me as a 'fag', even though most people knew I was gay by then - but it was the way he did it that hurt. He told the footie team I'd tried it on with him. I got beaten pretty bad for that... and then hardly anyone would speak to me for the rest of the year.

"After I left school, he started contacting me all the time, saying he was sorry, that he wanted to start things up again, that he was ready to come out. I managed to stay out of it, mainly, I think, because he was never able to come up with a decent explanation for why he did what he did, and it made me realize it wasn't just about the rejection, it was the fact that what he did proved that our friendship was nothing too.

"I've told him so many times over the last year that I'm not even prepared to be friends with him, never mind start a relationship, but, well, it apparently hasn't deterred him. Him coming here has turned what was a light obsession into stalking. And I hate the way he's trying to manipulate me again.

"I never told Kev what he did. Lockie and Finn knew what had happened with the posters but they never knew it was Hunter, and they never knew about our sexual relationship. And I guess he knew I didn't tell them, which bothers me, because I don't know whether I didn't say anything in order to protect myself or whether it was for him.

"The kiss...well, it was the only way I could think of to get it into his head that I'm not interested in him anymore. He's stubborn - and the words were clearly not working.

"I have no idea whether this will make you feel better, but I was going to tell you about it. I wanted to tell you all about him anyway, before he came, but it felt like it would be painful so I avoided it, but when he arrived I knew I had to face that pain."

I stop, rubbing the pads of my fingers over my eyes, which suddenly feel exhausted. The funny thing is, it isn't painful, not talking about him, or the feelings I had for him. The only thing that hurts is the reminder of how so many of my friends rejected me, turned on me, when they discovered I was gay. And the idea that I might have hurt Ryan, now, with my actions.

* * * * *

Ryan

Of course I'm going to forgive him.

* * * * *

Alex

Ryan doesn't make me suffer.

"Alex, I love you. I only have three weeks left with you and I'm taking them. I think you were a dummy for letting a guy know you're not into him by making out with him, and I may never let you forget it, but I know it's not him you're into, it's me. Christ, the negative way you feel about him radiates off you."

I feel brave enough to joke then, "You sure it's not one of those love/hate things?"

But he doesn't take the bait, "Yup, utterly sure."

He rests his face in his hands, his beautiful dark-lashed eyes boring into me.

"How's about we get you home and you show me just how good you are at bottoming?"

* * * * *

There's a note in the kitchen when we return, Hunter has left for the airport, deciding to spend Christmas with his aunt in New York, and I breathe a sigh full of relief. Kev and Siobhan and the boys have gone to a late-night Christmas movie marathon. I don't reveal to Ryan Kev's addendum to the note 'hope you weren't too much of a wanker - do your thing to make sure he forgives you - we'll be gone for hours so be as noisy as you want'. Fucking Kev.

In my room, Ryan instantly takes over, pushing me against the door, his narrow frame surprisingly strong. He kisses me forcefully, bruisingly taking my mouth, controlling me with his tongue. I moan into him, relaxing into the submissive role, letting out an unintentional yelp as his questing fingers find my nipple through my t-shirt, tweaking it hard.

"I've been thinking about this for some time, you know, wasn't sure I'd get the chance, didn't know if you'd be willing to do it for me."

"I'd do anything for you, Ryan. I want all of you, every bit for every moment we have."

He gives me his moan in response, stripping me and him in alternate moves, stroking my skin, raising goose bumps where his delicate fingers roam.

"Lie down on your stomach," he purrs, his desire clear in every sound and move.

I do, and he goes to the drawer, while I wait, trembling, but only partly in anticipation. When he returns he slides his hands over my back, past the curve, onto my ass.

"Hey, Alex, baby, you know we don't have to do this?"

My shivers have alerted him that there's something amiss. I debate clouding the truth, claiming overwhelming horniness, but I don't want to lie to him, I know he wouldn't want it that way.

"I'm scared," I feel like a twat, but he lines his body with mine, finding my face hidden in the pillow, red with shame, and kisses along my jawline, sucking an earlobe between his teeth. That gets some more shivers of the good kind, and I turn to face him.

"Tell me," he insists.

"It's just, it really hurts, and I want to do it for you, but I'm not a big fan of pain," I try to laugh, like I'm half joking, though it's all true, but am stunned by the look of consternation on his face.

"It's not meant to hurt, you know?"

"Well, I know, but it always takes a few minutes of pain and cramps before it starts to feel good, so I'm just not looking forward to that."

"No..." he sighs, frustrated, "not even that. Maybe the first or second time, but not once you're used to it. Not if you're doing it right. Do you really think I'm in agony for several minutes every time we fuck?" he doesn't let me answer, "fuck's sake - this is what happens when you fall in love with a preppy straight dickhead who refuses to do any research about what will make his partner feel good."

I laugh genuinely then, but I need to set him right, "I wasn't in love with him. I thought so at the time, but since I've met you I've realized what I felt for him wasn't what I thought it was. I think I confused love for him as a friend and general horniness for something more. I know better now.

"And I guess I thought you would be in pain, that's why I always make sure to use my fingers or my mouth to help you, and go slow for a while."

"Yup, exactly, and I'm guessing he didn't worry too much about that?"

"Well..."

"Thought not. Listen, we don't have to, but if you want to go ahead I promise we'll take it slow and I'll guide you. I might not have done it much myself, but I've been at the other end of your amazing attentions often enough to have a decent idea of what feels good."

We kiss deeply and I feel safe. I know he'll be attentive, and the warm blast of love I get from him makes me know he'd never be careless with me, physically or otherwise. Feeling his hands gently wander my chest, pulling me into him, his hardness pressed to mine, I know I want this, with him, and I turn back to my stomach.

"Fuck, Alex, you're so gorgeous," he runs his hands down me again, squeezing my ass, "I can't wait to feel inside you."

I shudder, with arousal this time, his growled words a direct link to my cock.

"Lift, baby," he pushes a pillow under my hips and gently pushes my legs a little wider.

It's slightly alien to me - when Hunter fucked me it was all about the urgent passion, the tearing off of clothes and being combined as quickly as possible - but Ryan's careful hands are nothing like that. He parts me, bowing down to lap at my hole, slathering and pushing inside. It feels so good, sending electric jolts of pleasure through me, and I can't help but push back against him.

"Man, Alex, you make a damn sexy bottom boy."

I can't help but giggle at his silly words, and, dammit, if I don't sound like a sexy bottom boy now too. I feel him run a lubed finger around me, covering the outside with soothing liquid. As he positions his finger to breach me I can't help the gasp, the tension, and he just continues to tickle the outside for the moment, stroking my ass lightly with his other hand.

"It's okay baby. Take a deep breath and blow it out hard through your mouth."

I follow his advice, and, as the air is exhaled sharply, he pushes in shallowly, holding still so I can get used to it. I'm surprised, and pleased, that there's no pain at all and, as he leans down to nibble at my shoulder and slides deeper, instead there is the pleasurable tingle that I've never had so soon before.

He adds a second finger, creating a slight burn, but I find it feels good, forcing my head to burrow into the bed as he spreads his fingers inside me, making me blush at the bubbling of emotion I'm getting in my stomach.

"How does it feel, Alex?"

The bubbling gets worse, fuck, I feel as though I could cry at just how content and happy and loved I feel right now.

"Feels good," I manage to mumble, but the mumble turns into a moan as he shifts his fingers, perfectly striking that hypersensitive gland over and over, "so fucking good."

When he enters me, he does it with the same gentle care, giving me time to accommodate, checking in on me as he scrapes his teeth lightly over the back of my neck, holding himself with his arms as his narrow hips flick up and down, the angle perfect for more stimulation of that bundle of nerves.

The desire builds steadily and inescapably until I'm begging him to faster and harder and he slams into me, grinding as I feel the tension reach breaking point, my balls drawing up high and tight, forcing my release out as he swears and comes where I can feel the heat of him inside me.

We lay together afterward, him the big spoon for once, which just feels right now.

"Thanks Ryan, for making that so good."

"Will you do it again?" his voice is adorably hopeful.

"With you? Definitely."

Although we have under three weeks to get as much of every position possible done.

* * * * *

Ryan

I'm excited at Christmas. I'm thrilled with what I decided to get for Alex, after my mom, and Aubrey, and Mad, and Tay, and Robbie, and Hai (okay, so I didn't trust my own judgement) all said it was an awesome idea.

For Lockie and Fin, who are both really amazing guys, warm and happy, just like Alex, I get courtside seats at an upcoming Lakers game. Of course, part of the present is tickets for the rest of us too, but the focus will be on them enjoying their present for the day. I love how excited they are by it, but even more I love the look on Alex's face when he sees what I got them. It's the kind of look that makes my spine tingle, and not only because it's a look that promises all sorts for when we're alone.