Matchmaker 09: September

"I want to, but..."

"But what?"

"My career." She pulled her hands out of mine and looked up at me. "You could come to Hawaii, you know."

We already had this discussion on Bear Peak and during the drive back to our cabin. We went in circles then too, with nothing decided, until we dropped it.

"I can't. Not yet. I have to see this through, and since I'm going to have to find a job." I shrugged. "There's not a lot of aircraft design and manufacturing in Hawaii." I held her gaze. There had to be a way to make this work. I just had to find it.

"I know, but you're a pilot too, and do you have to design airplanes? I'm sure you could find something."

"Maybe, and I'll investigate it, but it's going to take time. In the meantime, I'm going to keep asking until you say yes."

She smiled slightly. "And I'm going to keep asking until you say yes."

I kissed her gently. "Maybe we both should move somewhere, someplace we can start fresh, together."

"How would we live?"

"I'm sure we can find a way. I'll find something to support us until you get your name built up again. I don't want to lose you, and I'll do whatever it takes."

She snuggled into my chest and I rested my cheek on her head. "It's a lovely idea, and wish our time didn't have to end, but..."

"It doesn't have to."

"Yes, it does. You have this airplane thing to do, and I need time to think. It's a big step, starting over."

"I know," I whispered.

"Are you angry?"

"No. Sad? Disappointed? Yes. Angry? No."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I understand, probably better than most."

"Maybe you can come to Honolulu when you have time?"

"Maybe. Money's going to be tight for a while though."

"I know. I'll come to you some too."

"I'd like that."

She was quiet for a long moment. "Do you think we can make it work?"

"If we want it to, we can."

She nodded into my chest. "I want it to."

"I do to. It's going to be... hard... not falling back into my hold habits when you're not around."

She sighed. "I have confidence in you. You stood up to your grandfather without any help from me."

"Yes, but you were right there."

"I'm only as far away as your phone if you need to talk to me."

I nodded against her head. "It's not the same, but I guess it'll have to do."

I held her for a long time, enjoying her warmth against my chest and the smell of some unidentifiable fruit that I now associated with her. I didn't love her, but I was going to miss her, I was going to miss her desperately.

A chill passed over me. Why did I think I had to clarify, even to myself, that I didn't love her? It was the first time I even considered love being in the equation.

What did I know of love? Despite everything, I loved my parents and grandfather. They were who they were. Unlike Azumi, who made her feelings about my dad and grandfather crystal clear, I didn't harbor any ill will toward them. I hoped, at some point, we could reconcile our differences as Azumi had with her parents. I was going to strive to never go back to how I was, but that didn't mean I wanted to abandon my family.

But Azumi was different. I hadn't realized until this moment how much I'd miss her. I'd been avoiding thinking about our separation, perhaps hoping that she'd change her mind about staying with me. Maybe the problem was I'd ruined any chance with her during the first week. She said she didn't begrudge me working that week, but was she telling the truth? She'd also said she'd enjoyed our time together, and maybe she had, but I had to admit it was possible I was nothing but a vacation fling for her.

"What?" she murmured when I sighed.

"Nothing. Just thinking."

"You do that a lot."

I smiled. "Yeah, but as I recall, you said you liked nerdy guys."

She squirmed out my arms and smiled up at me. "Not nerdy, smart. Hot is hot, and smart is hot, but hot and smart is a deadly combination... and rare. Like unicorns."

I grinned at her. "Are you saying I'm a figment of your imagination?"

She poked me in the chest with her finger. "You seem solid enough." She cupped my manhood gently. "Definitely solid enough."

"You keep poking and grabbing, I might start poking and gabbing back."

She sighed. "I hope so." She held my gaze for a long moment. "I wish it didn't have to end." She held up her hand when I opened my mouth. "I know what you're going to say. I've had a really great time, better than I'd have believed possible after that first day, but it's time to get back to reality."

"Which is what?"

"You have your life and I have mine."

"May I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you really want to stay with me?"

Her face clouded. "Yes, very much so. Do you think I'm lying to you?"

"No, but Brooklyn sells her services as a matchmaker. If you weren't willing to give up your career, why did you even sign up?"

"Why did you? Until these last couple of weeks, you were married to your work."

I nodded. "I know, but that's why I asked for her help. I desperately wanted to find something, or someone. I thought I was happy, but I guess deep down inside, I knew I wasn't and there was more to life."

She nodded slowly. "Okay, fair enough." She paused for a moment and then exhaled slowly. "I guess, for me, I still dreamed of a fairytale romance, of meeting my Prince Charming, and all that. Now that I'm staring reality in the face, I suppose I'm starting to realize that's all it was, a dream."

I held her gaze. "What if I told you that I loved you?"

She trilled out a laugh, but as her laugh faded she became more serious. "Wait, are you serious?"

"Yes. Maybe. I don't know. All I know is that I want you with me. It seems ridiculous to think I could fall in love in only a month, but I've never felt like this about another person."

"Like what?" she murmured.

"Like..." I paused as I searched for words. "It's hard to describe. Having you around makes everything brighter. The sky is bluer, the clouds are whiter, and the grass is greener. Food tastes better and flowers smell sweeter." I paused a moment. "You describe love, and I'll tell you if that's what I feel."

She held my gaze and then looked away. "I can't. I don't think I've ever been in love. Not the kind of love you're talking about."

"Me either." I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Do I love you? I don't know, but I do know I feel something."

"How do you know that it's not just you finally living a little that makes you feel this way?"

I had to admit she might be right. "I don't."

She nodded and then looked away. "Yeah, and that's part of the problem. I don't know who you are. I don't know if this is the real Roger Bentley or if the guy that picked me up at the airport is the real Roger Bentley. Until I know, I can't throw away everything I've worked so hard for."

I slumped inside. "I can understand that."

She stepped in close again. "You're such a dear, sweet man. Some woman is going to be lucky to have you."

"But not you?"

"It's too sudden. I... can't."

I nodded slowly. She'd given me a new life, but she couldn't give me her heart. "I understand."

"Do you?"

I nodded again. "Yeah."

"I'm sorry," she whispered as she stretched up for a kiss.

I kissed her, but some of the magic was gone. "It's okay."

She must have sensed it as well. "Do you want me to go back to my room?"

"No. I want you with me until the last possible second."

"Good," she whispered as she leaned into my chest again, "because I want that too."

"Thank you, Azumi. Excellent work as always."

"Thank you, Ms. Kameāloha," I said with a smile as Nalanee Kameāloha picked up her latest bespoke suit from the hangar bar beside the register. It was a twenty-five-hundred-dollar payday, so I should be smiling, but the smile was forced.

Nalanee was the chairperson, or president, or something, of one of the large resorts on the Big Island. She was a little older, perhaps sixty, but she obviously took pride in her appearance by staying in shape and dressing impeccably. She was by far my best customer and claimed I was her exclusive tailor, ordering two or three suits, along with numerous other less formal items, each year.

I'd worked long hours, rushing to get Nalanee's suit nearly finished before I left for vacation, leaving only the final fitting for when I returned. While her suits were bespoke, they were a standard business cut and required little more than the selection of fabrics and tailoring. All the other items, however, were one of a kind and tailored to her taste from my designs, and she paid very well for that exclusivity.

The moment Nalanee was out of my shop, my smile disappeared. I'd been back in Honolulu for almost two weeks, and it had been the longest two weeks of my life. I'd cleared my schedule before I left, so I wouldn't have a huge backlog of work when I returned, but even so, as Roger had been when he arrived in Boulder, I was living my work. I was throwing myself into my designs, but where his efforts had created an apparent masterpiece of engineering, I was doing nothing except wasting time and paper. I had no inspiration and my designs seemed flat and derivative of things I'd done before. I would begin to sketch an idea, become frustrated with my lack of vision, and wad the paper to start again.

Before I overflowed with ideas, finding inspiration everywhere I looked, but now nothing spoke to me. I was working more and enjoying it less. Before I spent my month with Roger, I felt I had a good balance between work and leisure, but I didn't feel that way anymore. Something had changed.

As much as I resisted the idea, I knew the change was Roger. The day of my return to Honolulu we hadn't made love, both of us preferring to snuggle silently in each other's arms. We were still and silent for over an hour, his hand softly caressing my back as we kept company with our thoughts. After we rose, the morning had been strained, the tension between us almost suffocating. I had no words that were appropriate, so we'd spoken little as we went about the business of preparing me to leave.

When he'd dropped me at the airport, he'd pulled me into one final kiss. As I'd sighed out of his embrace and turned to go, he'd taken my hand and gently turned me to face him. 'Please stay' was all he'd said. It was the first time he'd asked me to stay since I'd smeared him with chocolate. I almost said I would, but I hardened my resolve and again told him I couldn't.

With my final rejection, he'd said nothing, his nod and the thinning of his lips the only sign he'd heard. As I backed away, he released my hand and allowed me to turn and walk away. I didn't look back, afraid if I did I'd either change my mind or start to cry, but I knew in my heart he watched me until I disappeared, perhaps hoping I'd change my mind at the last moment and come running back. Walking away and not looking back had been the hardest thing I'd ever done.

I was in an Uber, riding home from the airport, when he'd called. He wanted to make sure I'd arrived home safely. Though he was trying to sound upbeat, I'd heard the undercurrent of sadness in his voice. During the last ten minutes of that Uber ride, after I hung up, I chewed my bottom lip, fighting desperately to hold my tears.

I'd left everything with Roger, bringing back only what I'd taken, so when the Corolla oozed to stop outside my house, I'd bolted from the car with my single small case, struggling to unlocking my door as my vision blurred with my tears. Inside, the tears came, and I'd wandered my house, sniffing and wiping my eyes. I knew returning home was the right choice, the smart choice, but at that moment, it felt like anything but the smart or right choice. I wasn't even sure why I was crying except hearing his voice stirred feelings inside me I didn't understand and left me feeling empty.

As soon as I had my jetlag under control, I went out with a few friends, each of them anxious to hear about my exploits. I thought it'd perk me up and help take my mind off my misery. It had been fun telling them about Roger while listening to them ooh and ahh over the pictures I'd taken of him. Like me, they'd been impressed that he was both gorgeous and smart, and they were keenly interested in what he was like in bed. Though I didn't give many details, I'd teased them with a few juicy tidbits to get their imaginations working.

To a woman, they'd melted when I'd told them he'd asked me to stay and none could understand what I was doing back in Honolulu, or at the very least, why I wasn't busy packing to move. Jen had gone so far to ask for his phone number since I didn't want him, ready to pack her bags and fly to San Francisco on the next eastbound jet. I'd started to give it to her, but then changed my mind and decided to keep it for myself.

The following weekend I'd tried to gain some perspective and distance, and right my listing ship, by going out with my girlfriends for the sole purpose of getting laid. I'd consumed too much alcohol, and I'd hung all over plenty of attractive men, but when it came time to go home with one of them, I hadn't. Roger had reset my expectations in a man, and while there were plenty of panty dropping sexy men in Honolulu, not one of them that night could compete with Roger. Roger's quiet reserve, his intellect, and the fact he never once tried to impress me with words while allowing his actions to speak for him, stood him far above the bragging swinging dicks that were out that night. I'd gone out, hoping to find that something I felt I was missing, but all I'd gotten for my trouble was a hangover and a cold slap in the face with reality. I'd once said Roger was as rare as a unicorn, and my night of drinking had proven that to be true.

I hadn't cried since the first phone call, and now I looked forward to hearing from him. He normally called around seven p.m. local time, which was ten p.m. in San Francisco. The last several times he called, I imagined him lying in bed, naked and erect, as we talked for an hour or so. That phone call was, quite simply, the highlight of my day.

It was four fifty-five, five minutes before my normal closing time, but I didn't care. I had nothing pressing, no more appointments today, and I had to get out of the shop. I didn't want to work, I didn't want to be at home, and I didn't want to spend time partying with my friends. I didn't know what I wanted. I only knew that I was no longer satisfied with my life as it had been.

I locked up and then walked out and fell into my Honda. I drove my little Fit from my small boutique in the Kahala Mall to my tiny rented house near Booth District Park. I'd been happy with my life before, but now something was missing. It wasn't that my Honda Fit was less luxurious than Roger's Range Rover, though it was, or my 850 square foot house seemed small compared to the magnificent cabin I'd spent a month in, though it was, and it wasn't that creating a custom wardrobe for a wealthy woman was somehow diminished by Roger designing and building an airplane. I shouldn't be any less satisfied than I was two months ago, but I was. My life had been changed by my trip to the mainland and the man I'd met there.

I backed my car into the minuscule splash of concrete that served as my parking spot, the space so narrow that if I pulled in, I didn't have room to open the car's door without hitting the concrete block wall that separated my rental from Ms. Glenderhorn's next door. Having to do that never annoyed me before, but every day, that wall pissed me off a little more.

With my annoyance simmering just below the surface, I unlocked the door and walked into my house. I used to love my house because, though it was small, it was only one bedroom, so the rooms were larger than most houses its size, and it had a funky floorplan that I liked, the house almost triangular shaped to fit an odd shaped lot. The house hadn't changed, but I no longer liked it as I once did. It felt... empty.

I prepared a light dinner. Before I met Roger, cooking was a chore I didn't mind, though I found no particular joy in it. Cooking for Roger had awakened something in me. I enjoyed watching his face light up as he tried something new that I'd prepared for him. When I'd first met him, he was hopeless in the kitchen, but he was a fast learner, and as he gained some experience, I enjoyed having him help me prepare our meals. I smiled to myself as I scooped my Hawaiian Chicken over rice before I settled at my small table. It was also fun making a mess we had to clean up.

I hadn't known I had a food fetish until we'd smeared each other with poi. That had been hot, and kissing the butter off his lips had been nice, but nothing could compare to what had happened after I playfully smeared chocolate on him. It wasn't smearing the chocolate, or him chasing me around the cabin before we kissed it off each other, it was what had happened later, when we'd gone to bed.

Instead of using the pudding like mixture to make a haupia and chocolate pie as I intended, we'd taken the bowl to the bedroom and smeared it all over ourselves as we made love. No, we didn't make love, not that night. We'd fucked, and having him smearing me with chocolate before licking and kissing it away as his cock plunged into me hard and fast had me wailing over and over in erotic bliss. We'd ruined the linens on the bed with our play, and had to replace them the next day, but it had so been worth it.

My phone rang and I smiled. Right on time. "Hey."

"Hey yourself. How are you?"

"Doing okay, I guess. How about you?"

"Pretty good. I have some news. I heard from GliderSport today. They want build the Peregrine."

"Who is GliderSport?"

"They're a big glider manufacture out of Dallas. They were at the Boulder show, and they want to license the Peregrine."

A chill passed over me. His life was coming up roses, and mine was turning to shit. "Is that a good thing?"

"A very good thing. They're going to keep the wing design and everything."

"That's great news!"

"Yes," he said softly. "There's still a lot of details to work out, but their initial offer is 1.5 million plus one percent of gross for the exclusive rights to the aircraft, along with another four percent of gross for every plane they sell that uses my wing. They're going to start out using my wing only on the Peregrine, but they want to contract with me to possibly adapt the wing to their other models." He paused, but I could hear the smile in his voice. "If we can reach an agreement, I won't have to stand in line at one of the local soup kitchens."

I smiled. "Well, congratulations."

"Thank you. Azumi...?" I waited, but he didn't continue.

"Yes?"

"I've missed you."

I smiled, my eyes welling with tears. "I've missed you too."

"I've been thinking. I'm moving to Dallas. Now that I'm solvent, or will be soon, I'd like you to join me. We can start over, together, like we talked about."

I began to breath harder, my emotion threatening to overwhelm me. "Roger, I don't—"

"Azumi!" he said, cutting me off. "I love you! This isn't how I wanted to tell you, but you're all I can think about. Now that I can take care of you, you don't have to worry. We can make a fresh start together."

I began to pant. "You love me?"

"Yes! I know that now. If love is that feeling that you aren't complete without the other, I love you. I've been thinking about this for the last week. I wanted to tell you, but I had nothing to offer you. Now I do. I'm going to sell the rights to the Peregrine, I have a contracting gig, and there may be more to come."

I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time, so I did a little of both. "Are you sure you want me there?"