Memories of a Baby Boomer

I held my hand out as we shook, wanting to move from my seat, but at the same time, I wanted to stay sat exactly where I was. With Sarah perched on the desk in front and her feet up on the chair, she was giving me a perfect view of her legs and what a fantastic set of pins they were. I had to work hard to make sure they did not distract me, looking her in the face all the time and only sneaking an occasional glance.

When we were able to eventually hold a sensible conversation, I had a question and at least this time I was able to ignore the temptation to put my hand up. 'Can I ask? Why did you agree to see me again?' I wanted to know.

'Curiosity I suppose. As a teacher, you get an inkling that some children see you differently than others. You try to treat everyone equally, but it's not uncommon for some kids to see their teacher as maybe a mother or father figure, especially when there isn't one at home.

'You have got to remember that often, children see more of their teacher than they do of their parents. But those feelings normally disappear when they move class or leave school.'

Listening to her speak, it was like being back in her class once more and I found myself nodding my head as I agreed with what she said.

'Sorry, but I never saw you as a mother figure, and you certainly were not a father figure,' I quipped. 'Why invite me here tonight?' Her legs were driving me crazy.

Sarah took a moment. 'You are not the first ex-pupil that I have spoken to, you are not the first to have told me that either I or another teacher inspired them. You are though, the first pupil to ever tell me that you were in love with me.' She cocked her head to one side as she seemed to study my face, trying not to laugh.

'In the coffee bar, I initially took it to mean that you had a crush on me, again, that is not uncommon, but from what you were telling me yesterday, you seemed to have felt a little more than that.

The tension in the classroom was palpable and she tried to lighten the conversation as she asked with a laugh, 'Anyway, at what point did it wear off, Robert?' She gave me the smile she always used to give me in class, and it tore into my heart.

I'm sure my lip wobbled as I tried to speak, I looked down because if I didn't, I knew she would immediately spot that my eyes had begun to water. She waited patiently for my answer, but it wouldn't come, there was no way I could speak and keep my voice normal and so I just shook my head, refusing to look at her until I had my emotions under control.

'Are you all right Robert?' she asked, her voice immediately sounding concerned. I sniffed and wiped both eyes quickly before looking at her again.

'It never did,' I managed, my voice cracking and making me feel embarrassed. 'Anyway, you're busy, so I'll get from under your feet. It's been lovely to see you again,' I said, standing and starting to turn.

Sarah was off the desk in a flash, she didn't grab my arm so much as lay her hand on it. 'I'm sorry, that was insensitive of me. Please don't go. Please, sit down again.'

Instead of returning to her desk seat, she pulled one of the chairs from another desk and sat down near me. 'Christ,' that was even worse, with her legs now bent double like my own, the slightest movement and I would be able to see up her skirt. It was obvious that she didn't understand and obvious that she wanted to ask more questions. But there was no way that I could avert my eyes from her legs for much longer, and that would send completely the wrong message.

'Listen, we are nearly finished for the evening. Do you mind waiting and we can go for a drink?' I nodded my head and with my emotions back under control, my cheeky demeanour returned. I couldn't resist as she left the room. 'By the way Miss. Nice legs.'

Sarah had a Mini Cooper, God, how I would love one of those when I learnt to drive. To be honest, for a headmistress, she drove like a bloody maniac, certainly knowing how to handle the little car. She laughed when I mentioned it as we pulled up outside a pub. 'My ex is a test driver at Ford, he taught me to drive.'

I bought us drinks and we found a quiet table over in the corner. Taking a sip of hers she eyed me. 'Let me get this right. At the age of what? Nine, ten! You say you were in love with me. And now, nearly, what? Eleven years later, and after never having seen me in all that time, you're still in love with me?' She asked incredulously.

Put like that, it sounded ridiculous. As a nine-year-old, I could never have explained it in a month of Sundays, I wouldn't have had the vocabulary or the understanding.

For a moment, I just looked at her beautiful face. 'I love my mum, and I love my gran,' I began, 'That, is an unconditional kind of love, I know it without having to think about it. You though were different. I can't explain that part properly, not even now as an adult. It was a feeling, in here,' I said, tapping my chest. 'It was a feeling that you brightened up the room when you entered it, and it hurt when you left it. I may have been a child, and people may scoff, but I loved you.'

'And then eventually, I had to leave your class and move to another until finally, it was time for me to leave that school. I was a child, and you were an adult, there was not a lot I could do about how I felt. Yes, over the years, bit by bit it diminished because I never saw you and I had my own life to lead. But it never went away, you were my first true love, recognising you in the coffee shop that day, simply reawakened what was still there even after all those years.'

We must have sat in silence for a good ten minutes. Our drinks were nearly finished, and she looked quite serious when she spoke once more. 'So, what are your expectations? What are you hoping is going to happen?'

Having got that lot off my chest, it felt like I could breathe again. 'I have no expectations and I'm not hoping for anything to happen. It was pure coincidence. I was in town to order a suit and either of us could have decided on a different café. If it had not been for my childish slip of the tongue, you would be no wiser. We are going to finish our drinks and then you are going to drive home and I'm going to catch the bus, in all probability, it may be twenty years before we meet each other again.'

Her fingernails tapped at the table for a minute, as though she was wrestling with a decision. 'Do you want another drink? she asked as she got up from her chair.

Seated once more, the silence continued as we both took sips from our glasses. 'I'll be honest Robert, everything you have said intrigues me. I have never faced a situation like this before and I don't know what to say. Please be patient, because I would like to speak with you again and perhaps sooner than twenty years.'

Sarah eventually gave me a lift home, surprisingly, she lived another few miles or so up the road from my house and at least she knew where I lived now. As she dropped me off, I scribbled my works telephone number on a scrap of paper. 'If you want to get hold of me,' I proffered, 'If not, throw it away.' I watched as she drove off, wondering if I would ever see her again.

As it was, over two months would pass before I heard from her again. That's not to say that I sat and moped, life goes on and then there were other matters to distract me and most of them were not plain sailing.

People like nothing more than gossip, and it had not gone unnoticed, the amount of time that I spent around at Lucy Kelly's. Nowadays, people would not even comment, but in the sixty's the fact that she was an unmarried forty-something and that I was young, set the tongues wagging. It was only time before my mother heard the rumours and it led to a conversation after tea one evening. I say conversation, unfortunately, it quickly escalated from that. I didn't know if she had spoken to gran beforehand, but I knew she quickly disappeared when mum asked me to sit down. I supposed later that I couldn't blame gran, I think she knew that tempers were going to fray and with what had gone on between me and her, she was not in a position to comment.

'You spend a lot of time at Lucy's, do you know what people are saying?'

I shrugged my shoulders, 'I don't care what people say. It's none of their business.'

The conversation started calmly, but it did not take long before it became more heated.

'They, say you and she are sleeping together. They say that you stay there some nights and that only one bedroom light ever goes on. Is that true?'

I was no longer a child. The country and the world were slowly changing and no longer would the young have rules from past generations imposed on them.

'Yes, Lucy and I sleep together, we have been having sex with each other for quite a while, is there a problem with that?' My brazen reply momentarily stunned her.

'My God, she's old enough to be your mother. Was this her idea? What the hell do you see in her, you could have your pick of young girl's.'

'I don't want a young girl, I'm happy as I am, thank you very much.' I could see that she was getting frustrated by my attitude.

'You're not going to tell me that you love her,' she sneered.

Now I am not and never have been a person who gets angry very easily. But my mother's attitude was beginning to irk me. 'No, I don't love her. She doesn't love me either, it's just pure and simple sex and yes, before you ask, we do take precautions.'

'It's got to stop. I forbid it. Do you understand?' Her voice had gone up several octaves as she shouted her words at me. I don't suppose it helped when I laughed in her face, that just got her angrier. 'I'm telling you. You will not see her anymore and that's final.'

Perhaps that was the worst thing she could have said as I sat forward in my chair and puffed my chest out. 'I'm twenty-one and I can do what I fucking-well like.'

That was the first time I had ever sworn in front of my mother. 'I will see and sleep with whoever I want and if you and other people don't like it, tough shit, it's my life. If I want to date and shag a fifty-year-old, I will, and there is nothing you can do about it, get used to it and butt out.'

By this stage, my voice had also risen, and we were both out of our chairs as we faced off.

'Then you can move out,' she spat at me.

I supposed I saved the best until last, she was not going to get the better of me and by now I was unconcerned about what I said.

'Fine, I'll go and live with Lucy. She was good enough to look after me when you wanted to go out every weekend and bring blokes back so you could get shagged. But now that she's getting plenty from me, it's all wrong. At least she keeps it just for me and doesn't go spreading it about.'

I saw the words land and the look on her face. They took the wind from her sails, and they were a killer punch as much as I regretted them. She had no comeback from that, she was never going to win and any control she had once had over me was now gone.

I passed gran as I left the room, heading upstairs to pack my clothes. Below I could hear mum sobbing and gran speaking as I filled an old suitcase.

I suppose Lucy was surprised when I landed up on her doorstep. She readily agreed that I could move in with her, let's face it, I spent half my time there anyway. I think she knew that it was only time before what had gone on between us for years became public knowledge. In bed that night I just held her tightly, our relationship hadn't changed, though secretly I think she was delighted that when it came to it, she had not simply been discarded, I had stood by her.

Weeks passed and I saw nothing of my mother or gran, that was the only downside I concluded, I used to look forward to the weekends when mum worked nights and gran and I would get together.

Other than that, my life continued as it always had done, that was until nearly two months after I had moved in with Lucy. She hadn't been feeling well lately and our sex lives had gradually tailed off which meant for the moment I wasn't getting any from anywhere. I'd arrived home from work one evening and she was sat in her chair next to the fire. She somehow looked older and frailer at that moment, and I was concerned about her. She had always been slim, but lately, I was convinced that she had lost some weight.

Sitting on the arm of the chair, I put my arm around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. She raised it, looking up at me and I could see the tears in her eyes. Now I was worried as I asked her what was wrong.

'I was at the hospital today. They have confirmed it. I've got cancer, Robert.'

It felt like I had been punched in the stomach. This woman had never harmed anyone. She had looked after and cared for me as well as any woman could do. She did not deserve this. In the future, there would be drugs and treatments to try and combat it, but back then it was virtually a death sentence. 'How long?' I asked, even though I didn't want to know.

'Two months, If I'm lucky,' she said as I felt the tears stream down my cheeks.

I made her a little something to eat even though she protested that she was not hungry. I didn't want to go to work the following morning and leave her alone, but I had no choice. As she started to doze, I told her I was popping out for a moment. Stood at my mother's front door, I knocked. There was a key in my pocket, and I could have let myself in, but as far as I was concerned, I didn't live here anymore.

The door was opened by gran, looking puzzled that I just hadn't walked straight in. She was going to invite me indoors, but I shook my head, telling her what I knew and asking if she could pop around tomorrow while I was at work and just check on Lucy.

'Wait a minute, please,' she said as she bobbed back into the lounge. She was gone a couple of minutes and returned with her coat, 'I'm coming with you.'

Lucy was still dozing when we got back, gran pulling up a chair and sitting by her. 'Have you had some tea?' she asked me, offering to make me something, but I just shook my head. Lucy woke a little later and she and gran were chatting when I heard a knock at the door. I opened it to find my mum stood on the doorstep, concern written all over her face. Before I could say anything, her hand came up and cradled my face, 'I'm so sorry Robert.'

Inside, it was like old times, mum, gran, and Lucy sat in a group gossiping while I earwigged from the sidelines. Getting up, I asked who wanted brews and went into the kitchen to make them.

I turned as mum came in, 'Are you ok?' she asked. I nodded, suddenly finding it hard to keep it together. 'I'm sorry mum. I shouldn't have said all those things.'

We wrapped our arms around each other holding on tightly until we both stopped shaking. Later on, gran pulled me to one side, 'Will you be alright tonight?' I nodded my head. 'I'll bring some things over in the morning and stay with her all day until you get home from work and then your mum's going to come over tomorrow evening, ok?'

Alone and in bed with Lucy that night, I just wanted to hold her forever. She was 'fine yet,' she kept telling me, and I had to stop worrying about her.

As promised, gran arrived early and stayed with her all day and then mum popped around that evening. That night after everyone was gone, was the last time, that I ever made love to Lucy. She had asked me to, and so I had been as soft and gentle as I could, holding her in my arms afterwards as I cried myself to sleep. It didn't take long before she started to go downhill fast, at one point I brought my old single bed downstairs and set it up in the front room to try and make it easier for her.

We got through several weeks like that, mum and gran visiting often and keeping me company. That weekend mum was off work and she and I sat by the fire on the Sunday evening, the lights off so as not to disturb Lucy and the flames in the hearth, lighting the room.

'What happened Robert?' Mum asked, 'Why Lucy?' I knew what she was asking, I just didn't have the energy to fight anymore.

I decided to make it short and simple, 'Because mum, I prefer older women. They are who I am attracted to. I'm not interested in young girls. They do nothing for me. It's women of your age that I want to be with.'

It was easy to see that she still did not understand, and I couldn't make it much plainer, Lucy and I started as a bit of fun, it was all about the sex. But I've come to realise that there is something about a mature woman that I prefer,' I told her bluntly.

'Maybe Lucy was a substitute because the two women that have dominated my thoughts for years are you and gran.'

I have never seen my mother lost for words like she was at that moment. I don't think it ever entered her head that the way we lived when I was a child might influence my desires as an adult.

'You mean......' I nodded my head at her, and then just to be glib and because of the way I was feeling, I added, 'Especially in a nurses uniform.'

It was amusing to see my mother go beetroot red, I don't know if she was intent on saying something because her mouth opened and closed but nothing came out.

'Have there been others? she suddenly asked.

Maybe one day she would have found out, but I was past caring now. Lucy's imminent demise was taking its toll on me. As much as I had always said that I did not love her, there had been a bond between us.

'Only one.' Of course, she wanted to know, but I would not say, simply staring at her with a slight smile playing across my lips until the penny finally dropped and my mother looked aghast.

During that time, Lucy's sister visited often, but she had a family of her own and it was quite a distance for her to come. She thanked us profusely, but we didn't need thanks, that's what neighbours did for each other back then.

It was a Thursday morning the following week when I received a phone call at work, I answered, expecting the worst, only to hear Sarah's voice on the other end. 'Would you like to come to dinner this weekend? she asked.

'Jesus,' I would have loved to, but there was no way I was going to forsake Lucy. Politely, I declined, hearing the disappointment in her voice until I explained my situation and then she was full of compassion. 'I'll give you my home number, when you are ready, ring me.'

That night mum and I sat alone together once more. Lucy's breathing was shallow but at least she was not in pain, the morphine saw to that. Perhaps mum had come straight from work because, for some reason, she still had her nurses uniform on.

She was dozing in her chair as I laid next to Lucy, holding her hand so that she would know I was there. I must have dozed off because the next thing I remember was mum shaking my shoulder. 'Robert, Robert.' I opened my eyes and peered at her. 'You can let go now. Lucy's gone.' Mum covered her over and we continued to keep her company until morning.

Most of the house had been cleared, Lucy's sister coming over and sorting it all out. We had all gone to the funeral and yet a week later, it still felt raw. I phoned Sarah up one evening, more to talk to someone that had not been involved than for any other reason.

'Where are you?' she asked, 'at home?' I mumbled that I was in the phone box at the end of the road. 'Stay there, I'll pick you up in ten minutes.'

I was sat on the edge of the kerb, staring into space when she pulled up. She pushed the passenger door open and shouted, 'Get in.'

The next thing I knew was that we were pulling up outside what I presumed was her house as she got out and opened her front door, inviting me in.

With a stiff drink in my hand, she made me tell her all about Lucy. There was some I couldn't tell her, there were bits I would never tell her or anyone else. But other than that, I painted a picture of my life growing up, Aunt Lucy always nearby. I even admitted that there had been a thing between us for a while without divulging too much information or for how long.