Memories of X

I told Kevin he should wash his behind with a cold washcloth and put on some disinfectant after I left. Then I took a final look at him before I walked out, and took in how miserable he looked. His eyes were red from crying. Good enough!

I got back to my dorm and stopped the delayed email job I'd set up when I went to visit Kevin. I still had to get the letter back from Patty and intercept the mail to Heather tomorrow morning, but that would be easy. I took the letter I'd left on my desk and put it in the manila envelope I'd taken from Kevin's apartment, then locked them both in my filing cabinet. I was sure Kevin had left his fingerprints on the pictures, and he'd written out all the girl's key phrases by hand on a sheet of paper, so this was incontestable evidence of what he'd done.

I stretched out on my bed to get myself off, feeling aroused from bringing Kevin close at the end. I'd borrowed one of Kevin's anal dildos and it felt sexy going in, but then I kept getting disturbing mental images of the blood on Kevin's buttocks, and after a few minutes I gave up masturbating as a lost cause. I lay on my back, thinking of what I'd done and feeling guilty. Obviously I had a right to take revenge on Kevin, but I'd been so angry I hadn't shown any restraint at all! I thought about the blood and the horrible purple bruising I'd caused, and it reminded me of a third world torture exhibit from Amnesty International. I'd been WRONG to hurt him so much, no matter how much I thought he deserved it!

Patty was gone for the evening so I pulled on my slacks again and went to the Dorm cafeteria for dinner. I saw Gretchen Hohler sitting alone at a table and brought my tray over to sit next to her. After chatting a bit I slipped in the question I wanted to ask.

"I've had a couple of weird dreams lately where I'm with a mysterious guy who has some kind of control over me," I watched Gretchen's face for recognition. "I'm attracted to him, you know, it's pretty sexy, but it's kind of demeaning too. Have you ever had a dream like that?"

"No," Gretchen said smiling. "Too bad, it sounds like fun! I'm afraid all my dreams are very boring right now, about arranging details of the wedding. I'm spending so much time on it I'm dreaming about it, six months away! Hugh is threatening to chuck it all and have us elope!"

Gretchen was obviously unaffected by her meeting with Kevin, filled with plans for a June wedding after graduation. I chatted until the end of dinner, then returned to my room and hit the books. I had to catch up in my courses, and I visited two classmates to copy their notes from the classes I'd missed. I finally got myself off when I went to bed, but I still felt guilty about what I'd done to Kevin, and the fantasy I ended up using was Kevin regaining control over me and paying me back for paddling him today. A scary idea really, but erotic as a fantasy.

When I got to Kevin's apartment the next afternoon, I'd nearly caught up at school. I'd been thinking about how to continue Kevin's punishment, and I'd decided I wouldn't paddle him while he was bruised, but I could still sound strict and make him sweat a little, then get him aroused and leave him frustrated.

I used my key to let myself in quietly, but when I tiptoed into his office I found him working innocently. He was stretched out prone on the floor with his chest elevated on a beanbag chair, working at a computer he'd placed there. He was obviously too sore to sit at his desk. When he saw me he jumped up, looking frightened, and I ordered him into the bedroom immediately and told him to get in position. When he dropped his tracksuit pants and bent over the table his buttocks looked terrible! A large area was purple-black, badly swollen, and there were a few oozing scabs where I'd drawn blood yesterday. I quailed when I saw it, and I couldn't even bring myself to give him a spank with my hand as I'd planned. His toys were still on the table Ñ he'd obviously been afraid to put them back in the drawer after I left Ñ and when I picked up the paddle and walked behind him I saw he was trembling with fear. I was amazed he'd been willing to get in position in this condition, but then I remembered the prison sentence he thought was the alternative and felt like a bully.

"Is your behind as sore as it looks, Kevin?" I asked. "Have you been having trouble sitting down today?"

"Yes, Ma'am," he answered in an abject voice. "It's awful! I can't sit down at all Ñ not even on the . . . toilet seat. I had to squat. And even that hurt!"

"Well maybe I won't have to paddle you any more today then, if you've been good in other ways." Kevin's whole body projected relief as the tension went out of his muscles. "What did you do about going to see Dr. Petrosian?"

He'd made an appointment with another dentist he hoped to talk into drilling, so then he could switch to hypnosis. This way, if the first dentist refused to drill he could try again with a different one. I asked Kevin if he'd masturbated since yesterday and he denied it earnestly. He said he'd heard me letting myself out the front door when he woke up late last night, and again early this morning, so I must know he'd been semi-hard the whole night! Of course I'd been much too busy catching up on schoolwork to spare a thought for Kevin, but my idea of making him think he'd be under observation was obviously working to keep him honest!

I had Kevin move back from the table again where his erection was handier to reach, and he groaned when I touched it. I didn't think he could counterfeit his body language to exhibit so much frustrated arousal if he'd masturbated last night, so I was satisfied. I inserted the anal dildo and started tantalizing him again, but even at the beginning I wasn't able to stroke his erection more than fifteen seconds before he was close. After he was crying with frustration again, I stopped and pulled out the anal dildo. I told him he could put his tracksuit back on, but he stayed in position to plead with me.

"Is there any way I can get to come? Please, Ma'am! I've been feeling so horny! I'll do anything you say!"

After a moment's thought, I said, "OK, if you agree to sixty hard spanks with the paddle, I'll get you off at the end." I could always let him out of the spanks if he agreed, saying I was just testing how desperate he was. But he answered with a groan, saying he couldn't stand sixty spanks, so I told him he could wait. After he had his suit on, I said I wanted to ask him some more questions, and reminded him I'd paddle him anytime I wasn't satisfied with the answers. He looked intimidated and promised to answer truthfully.

I started by trying to understand why he was so insecure that he couldn't bring himself to approach me for a date, and I found the answer pretty quickly. He'd been a child prodigy, skipping two grades by the time he was thirteen, so he was always an outsider being teased by the other kids, including the girls who made him feel like a freak. I could relate to Kevin's problem very well, after the traumatic teasing I'd had to live through at fifteen! In college he'd continued to skip ahead, and he'd just turned twenty- two in September, after he began teaching at the University! He was only a year older than I was!

"Another thing I've been wondering," I said. " You told me you hypnotized seven or eight girls, but I only saw photos of five girls Ñ six counting me. What happened with the others?"

"Uh, well there was only one really, and she was a virgin," Kevin answered slowly, "She had strong religious beliefs against having sex before marriage, so I didn't do anything."

"You thought hypnotic suggestions wouldn't overcome her beliefs?" I asked.

"No," Kevin sounded surprised. "I could have made her think we were married or maybe convinced her she'd decided to have a fling Ñ she had a strong sex-drive. But I didn't want to go against her convictions like that. All the girls I had sex with were pretty relaxed about it, and none of them would have turned down being spanked by a boyfriend as an experiment."

I was surprised Kevin hadn't brought this up to show how thoughtful he was when I questioned him yesterday, but of course I would have discounted it. Just because a woman was willing to have sex with a number of guys didn't give Kevin any right to take advantage of her. Still . . . I had to admit that the fact that he hadn't taken advantage of a woman who strongly opposed sex before marriage did say something positive about him.

"I . . . Uh, wanted to thank you," Kevin said suddenly, "for punishing me yourself instead of reporting me to the police." He ducked his head in an embarrassed way. "I've been thinking about what you said, that what I did was wrong. And . . . I realize you're right, and I'm ashamed now of taking advantage of those girls. I had all that power, and I didn't have anyone to talk with about it, so I let my urges run away with me. I know that doesn't sound like much of an excuse, but . . . I wouldn't do it again. I'm sorry!"

He sounded sincere, and after the way I'd let my temper have full rein paddling him yesterday, I had more sympathy for his excuse than I would have earlier.

"Well that's a good first step, Kevin. And I want to say that I can imagine forgiving you for this after I've seen you expiate your behavior for awhile."

"Thank you, Ma'am." Kevin had tears in his eyes. "I really care a lot about your opinion, and I'll try to do everything I can to cooperate with you. I know I deserve this. In fact you're going easier on me than I expected."

When I got back to my room, I admitted to myself that I was moved by Kevin's apology. I was suddenly dying to know if Kevin had caused any real damage to the girls he'd hypnotized, and decided to track down Dianne Grossman and talk with her too.

When I reached her room and asked her to dinner she seemed hesitant. We've never been close, and she'd acted like a bitch to a few of my friends, but then she sighed histrionically as if to say she had to eat somewhere. When we sat down at the table and I brought up the dream I'd had about a mysterious guy with sexual control over me, Dianne sat back in her chair and smirked at me.

"That sounds weird. Do you really think it's a proper dinner table topic?"

"You've never had a dream like that?" I persisted, flushing.

"God, no! I think you ought to see a psychiatrist if you have sick dreams like that!"

As I walked away from the table I was raging! That bitch! Maybe I should take her pictures and post them on the main bulletin board at school, so everyone could see what a cow she was! In fact I had her key phrase! I could just tell her to go down to University center and start taking off her clothes and asking all the boys to . . .

No. No, no, no! I got back to my room and got myself under control, feeling my guilt grow into a giant weight. I realized that my temper had carried me away again, and I might have actually done something disgusting to Dianne if an unusual thought hadn't stopped me. I'd suddenly had a picture of myself in Kevin's position, doing the same sort of thing to Diane that he had. Or, I had to admit to myself, something even worse than what Kevin had done!

I masturbated Wednesday night fantasizing about Kevin punishing me for my temper.

On Thursday, when I got to Kevin's apartment I found he'd had his dental appointment and convinced the doctor to fill a minor cavity that he normally would have left alone. Kevin asked to do without Novocain, but after the drilling was well along he said he needed something to blank out the pain after all. So he got a referral to see Dr. Petrosian on Monday.

"Did the drilling hurt?" I asked, feeling guilty again.

"Well," Kevin looked uncomfortable; "The worst part was sitting in the dental chair."

When I told him to get in position, his behind looked even worse than yesterday: the bruises were nearly black now, but at least the scabs looked almost healed. Kevin said he'd had an erection most of the day, and when I started tantalizing him he was crying with frustration within two minutes. So I stopped and told him he could put on his tracksuit.

"I've been wondering about a few things, Kevin" I said. "In those weighings I had, you were making me think I was losing weight when I really wasn't. Why?"

"Well, catching you overweight was a good excuse to paddle you," Kevin answered, flushing. "So I'd make you think you were overweight when you didn't have spanks coming for anything else." Kevin looked worried to be admitting this, but rushed on. "You believed you needed to lose weight, but I checked the weight tables and found you're really average weight for your height, and I didn't want to make you lose weight if it was bad for your health. Besides, I think you have a terrific figure Ñ a nice bust and, hips and . . . uh, butt! So I didn't want to make you lose weight when you didn't need to."

He'd actually checked the weight tables because he didn't want to make me lose weight when it might not be good for me! I was impressed.

"Another thing," I said. "Why didn't I ever feel sore after you paddled me? Like last Saturday I studied all afternoon and never noticed any soreness."

"Yeah, well," Kevin sounded embarrassed. "I worried that if I left you sore you'd have trouble studying, so I just paddled you lightly and made you feel sensitive while you were getting it so it would intimidate you. It seemed to work fine." I remembered it worked very well indeed Ñ I'd felt like I was going to have trouble sitting down for a few days after he finished. But he'd really gone very easy on me!

I was silent a moment. "I'm going to have to thing about this for awhile," I said. "But thank you, Kevin, for not leaving me sore when you were in charge of me."

Kevin gave me a grateful look and I left before I said anything more.

I got home and considered getting off, but decided against it. I was coming close to a decision that meant I should restrain myself for a while. I went to dinner with Patty, and found I'd made my decision by the time I returned to the room. I got out my recorder and worked out some careful phrasing to use in autohypnosis. After I woke up from playing the tape, I started writing a letter by hand. I was used to doing text editing on a screen, so I tore up four drafts before I had it the way I wanted it. Then I took out the manila envelope with Kevin's pictures and put it in my tote bag along with my letter. Now I had to make an appointment to see Dr. Petrosian. I hoped he'd see me on Friday Ñ he hadn't had time for Kevin until Monday.

He had time for me, though, and when I got to his office I asked him to create a minor illusion that would last for a full day. Dr. Petrosian's use of the key phrase worked now, and the illusion was perfect, but when I came out of the medical building I suddenly recognized it for what it was. I still saw the illusion, but I used a special phrase I'd set up last night under autohypnosis, and the illusion went away. I didn't use the other phrase I'd set up though, and a few minutes later I forgot all about everything I'd done with hypnosis since Monday.

When I got to Kevin's apartment, he was waiting for me, looking desperate.

"I had an erection all day today!" he said. "I'm just lucky I don't have a Friday lecture! I must have looked like a pervert with my hand in my pocket every time I had to walk anywhere, and whenever a girl in the class came to my office to ask a question, I started blushing!" He was blushing now, looking humiliated. "I almost had a wet dream this morning too! I was barely able to stop myself when I woke up! You wouldn't hold me responsible for ejaculating if I couldn't help myself, would you?"

"I'm not going to . . ." I started, but then Kevin rushed on.

"I think I can take a paddling now. My butt doesn't hurt as much as it did yesterday, it's more itchy than anything. I've GOT to get OFF!"

"I'm not going to punish you any more, Kevin," I said. "You're your own boss again."

Kevin looked at me with a stunned expression gradually shading into a look of intense relief.

"Thank you, Ma'am! Uh, Laura. Can I call you Laura now?" When I nodded, he went on. "I thought you were going to punish me for a long time! I thought I deserved to be punished at least for the eight weeks I controlled you! But I could see yesterday when you let me out of paddling without even mentioning it, that you were too gentle . . ."

"I'm not exactly gentle, Kevin! I have a real temper sometimes. But I've decided I'm just not good at this, and I don't want to punish you anymore. But that doesn't mean that you don't deserve punishment! I'm very mad about what you did to all those other girls, and you're lucky one of them didn't catch you. If Dianne Grossman had been in my place, you'd be in jail right now!"

"I know!" Kevin agreed quickly. "I realize how lucky I am that you were the one to catch me, and I promise I'll never take advantage of any woman like that again!"

"OK. Now I want to say that I'm sorry I hurt you so much when I paddled you the first day."

"It's Ñ I deserved it! You don't have to apologize!"

"Well, maybe I do a little, because I want you to take me over again and give me the discipline you think I deserve." I flushed as I went on. "For as long as you like."

Kevin's jaw literally dropped, and he stared at me as if he couldn't believe his ears. Then his face got red and I saw conflicting emotions: lust was one, but it didn't end up winning.

"Look, uh, Laura. I'll do anything you want me to, OK? But I have to tell you I won't feel natural doing this. After what's happened . . . I mean, I've been feeling terribly intimidated about what you might do to me for days, and I STILL feel intimidated. You could still report me! I wouldn't dare, uh, give you discipline really, for fear you'd get angry at me again."

"Right," I said, nodding, "I thought you'd feel that way." I took the manila envelope out of my bag and emptied it out to let him see that everything was there. Then I said, "I'd like to tear all this up and flush it down the toilet."

"Yeah . . ." Kevin said hesitantly, "I see. You're offering to destroy the evidence, so I'll feel safe. Thanks, but . . . I think you could still report what I did and they'd believe you."

"Fine. Now read this," I said, and gave him the letter I'd written by hand last night. He took it hesitantly and opened it, then read for a few seconds and looked up amazed. "This is . . ."

"A mash letter," I said with satisfaction. "Telling you how much I enjoyed sex with you and offering you my key phrase so you can hypnotize me and apply the discipline I feel I need. It's all true!" Kevin seemed at a loss for words.

"My key phrase works again, too," I said. "And I've got a diaphragm in! You can put me under anytime you like!"

Kevin suddenly looked at me with an intense expression, and I felt the thrill of fear I'd been waiting for. But then he just kept talking, damn it!

"Don't you . . .?" Kevin took a deep breath and started over. "Aren't you worried I'll be rough on you, to pay you back for what you've put me through? I don't want you to worry, I won't be too rough, but I just had to ask."

"Well, I've figured out that you were always very thoughtful with me when you had control of me before," I answered. "And it's clear the way you just asked that question that you're trying not to frighten me. Besides, maybe I deserve to have you pay me back a little bit for losing my temper when I was paddling you." Kevin took that in thoughtfully.

"And since you want to talk," I added, "let me ask you something. You never made me tell you the best way to discipline me in real-time, did you? Like, you always paddled me from one side, and I kept wishing you'd switch, but you never picked up on that."