Memories or Fantasy

It had been over 20 years but a memory or was it a fantasy from my past keeps haunting me. It was "buried" for most of that time but over the past few months it became an obsession. The thoughts and images the fill my mind is fuzzy but are they real or a result of a vivid imagination? It has become too much of a burden that I am seeking professional help to sort it out.

Dr. Alexa Winchester is a prominent physiotherapist in Tampa. I was referred to her by a close friend who had been treated by her over the past year. She uses a combination of standard psychiatric medicine and hypnosis. No matter how deep the problem appears, she gets to core of the issue.

As I approach the door to her office in high rise office building, suite 426, the nervous tension in my stomach becomes high. These memories or fantasy plagues me every day. Are they real or just a twisted sexual fantasy that disturbs me sense of well-being. Opening the office door, the receptionist greets me. As usual the first thing I do is fill out the usual paperwork and hand over my insurance card.

"Dr. Winchester will be with you in a few minutes. Please be seated."

Time passes slowly waiting to be called into the doctor's office. My internal voice keeps saying, "This is crazy. You know how embossing it will be trying to explain your situation to real professional? Just get up and leave." At that moment Dr. Winchester appears from her office and invites me to join her. It's too late. I must now confront my memories of fantasy.

Dr. Winchester invites me to be seated and asks me to share with her why I am seeking her help. After a moment's hesitation I respond, "Doctor I have recurring dark thoughts about something that may have happened in my past or a fantasy that is not something I would like."

Dr. Winchester empathically responds, "Please call me Alexa, it makes our session much more enjoyable. Tell me a bit about these dark thoughts."

"I feel very weird just talking about it. I have memories or a fantasy about being at a party in college and being seduced and sexually used by him. This is haunting and very frightening to me. I am not gay, but the situation would seem to be a gay memory or fantasy."

Alexa nodding her head in an understanding way asks, "How long have you had these thoughts?"

"I am not certain but over the past year they have become very frequent and intense. They always go back to my days in college, but I have no real memory of anything like these thoughts ever occurring."

Dr Winchester looked at me for a moment and said, "Sometimes we experience things in our past the either our so disgraceful or traumatic that they are blocked from our memory. The problem is that these unresolved incidents stay in the back of your minds. At some later for reasons not totally clear they return. Usually some unrelated event triggers the recall. It could be a personal situation that develops, a conversation with a friend, or even a TV program can start the recall process."

"I can think of anything in my past, let alone while I was in college that would have created this type of memory."

She replied, "That's not uncommon. If you blocked out an event or situation, you won't normally recall it just by thinking about it. The best way to really determine what is happening in your mind is through hypnosis. I have done this many time before with great results. Are you interested and willing to dig into the your "vault" of personal experiences and see what's going on?"

I responded, "Doctor, this sounds a bit scary to me, but I must know what is haunting my thoughts and keeping awake at nights. You are the professional so let's do hypnosis."

"Okay, let's start by having you sit in the recliner and get comfortable. Sometimes taking off your shoes makes it easier to get into the process."

I move to the recliner; remove my shoes; and adjust the chair to a comfortable position.

"Now relax and look at the white light over my shoulder. Do you see it?"

"Yes"

"Now concentrate on that light and relax. You are in a safe place where there is no judgements or criticism. You are letting the stress of the day pass through your body and out your feet. You totally safe and free of any stress. You will feel very comfortable sharing your thoughts and ideas with me without any reservation or hesitation. You are feeling very relaxed now and ready to release all that burdens you. Do you feel relaxed?"

I responded almost automatically, "Yes doctor I feel relaxed and safe with you."

"Good, anything and everything you say remains between us. No one will every know what we talk about. You will be uninhibited and free of any limitations. You unable to hide anything from me. I want to know all about your memories and how you felt about then as you experienced them. You will not be afraid and will share it all with me. Is that clear?"

I respond, "Yes doctor, I will share everything with you."

"Let's start. Tell me where and how this experience or fantasy starts."

After a minute's pause I start, "I am in my senior year at the University of Michigan. It's about 9:00 PM on Friday night at the main library where I am finishing research for a term paper that will determine 40% of my semester grade. The pressure is on since the paper is due in just over a week. The Political Geography class is exciting, and this should be an A grade class."

"There is a party at an apartment off campus that I was invited along with some of my friends. The cold March rain makes the walk to the apartment uncomfortable. Arriving, the front door is open, and the party is clearly going strong. I know some of the people and we start talking. A number of good-looking girls are drinking beer and getting wild. The music is loud, but you can still hear people as you talk. This starts off very well. A bit awkward socially, I am unable to make a connection with several good-looking girls."

Into my second beer, a graduate instructor approached me. He was my instructor in a psychology course I took the previous semester. "Hi, James, how are you doing this semester?"

Doug Schmansky is about 30 years old and an intelligent guy. He taught a very interesting class that I enjoyed and got an A grade.

"Hi, My Schmansky" I replied.

"Please call me Doug were not in class. I remember you from last semester as one of my most intelligent and participative students. You always sat in front and asked questions. I appreciated that because you took an interest in the class unlike so many students who sat in the back of the room and couldn't wait until the class was over."

I said, "You did a great job of teaching and I found the class very interesting. I also appreciated the A which helped my GPA."

He laughed and we started to talk about the basketball team which was doing at best mediocre. As we talked my second beery required me to go to the bathroom. Before I left Doug said, "Please come back I am enjoying our conversation." I agreed.

Upon returning Doug handed me a new beer and we continued to talk. After a few minutes the conversation turned to the research Doug was doing for his thesis.

He started by saying, "I am doing a great deal of work on human sexuality. The basis of my paper is that there is really no difference between men and women. That what is between their legs does not determine their sexuality. It is their predetermined orientation determined before they are born."

This sounded interesting but I wasn't quite understanding the validity of his argument. Nodding I asked, "That seems too much for me to understand. A guy is a guy and girl are a girl."

He replied, "That is what we have been told for generations. Look around this room do you see just men and women?" Before I could respond. "You see that good-looking girl talking with that athlete? You think that is a guy/girl but that's not what it seems. The girl is really a guy who decided she was really a woman."

I couldn't buy that at all. That girl was gorgeous. "How do you know that?" I asked.

"She came to me for advice during her freshman year when she was registered as a boy. I gave her advice and provided professional support. You see the results. If you saw her naked you would see that what is between her legs is not what you would assume."

At this point I was starting to feel a bit weir and dizzy. "That is very interesting. I not sure I can quite imagine that kind of change."

Doug responded, "I understand. Let me ask you a personal question. Have you ever had homosexual thoughts?"

My response was quick, "Absolutely not. I like girls and not guys."

Doug asked, "Are you sure?"

"Yes". With that I was feeling hot and dizzy. "I have enjoyed talking with you, but I am feeling a bit strange and need to head home."

After taking a few steps it was clear I was unsteady and getting weak.

Doug said, "You look a bit uneasy. My apartment is next door. Come with me and rest a minute before going home. It is hot in here and the noise may be making you uncomfortable." Without letting me respond Doug took my arm and lead me out of the party and into his apartment.

Dr. Winchester asked, "How did that make you feel, I mean someone willing to help you when you were feeling sick?"

I responded, "It was an uncomfortable feeling knowing I was unable to take care of myself and someone else was taking control of me. I did appreciate his concern but would rather be on my way home."

Dr. Winchester continued, "I see. Did you feel like you were no longer in control of the situation?"

"Yes, I almost felt like a small child being led into a bedroom to take a nap after recess."

"So, you did not have control on your environment and ability to make decisions."

I replied, "Yes, and I didn't like it."

Dr Winchester said, "Please continue>"

I was led into this front room with a large grey couch, two end tables with lamps. Dough said, "Rest on the couch. I will get you a cold glass of water. That should help you feel better."

As I surveyed the room It appeared to be a typical college apartment. One thing I quickly noticed were large full-frontal nudity pictures. There were men, women, and women which penises. These were erotic.

"How did you feel about seeing them?"

I replied, "They were erotic."

Dr. Winchester interrupted, "I don't want to know how they look but how did you feel upon seeing them. Did they excite you and were there any specific pictures that aroused you? This is not the time to give me the socially polite answer but rather the deep feelings you had."

After a minute I replied, "I became aroused looking at them. The women were exciting. The women with penises seemed to be especially arousing. I felt excited and ashamed at the same time."

"No need to feel ashamed. You are sharing your true reactions and that's what I need to understand if I am going to help you."

I gulped and then continued. Doug returned with the water and gave it to me. Standing behind the couch I started rubbing my neck and shoulders. "This will help relax you and make you feel better. In a few minutes you will feel better and ready to head home."

Dr. Winchester asked, "How did you feel having Doug rubbing your neck? I need the truth."

After a minute's pause, I confessed, "I felt very good and I became aroused. I tried to suppress these feelings but the bugle in my pants was a clear indication that I was unsuccessful."

She asked, "Did you feel ashamed and embarrassed?"

"Yes, I felt ashamed that someone was turning me on, and I couldn't control myself."

She said, "Please continue and remember I want to know your deep feelings. You have nothing of fear."

Doug continued to rub my shoulders and started to move down my arms. I was feeling increasing unable to control the rising sexual arousal. At that point Doug saw the bugle in my pants.

"You look uncomfortable with that bugle in your pants. Let me help you."

Without any further comment he unbuckled my belt, unfastened and unzipped my pants, and pulled my erect penis out. I was unable to stop him.

Dr. Winchester asked, "Were you unable or did you want him to release your penis from the restraint from your clothes?"

"I told Doug please don't touch my penis. But I felt a rush of pleasure as someone was taking control of my body. I didn't have any ability to resist and I liked it. That sounds terrible."

Dr. Winchester responded, "No that is not terrible. You were experiencing a moment to sexual liberation as you let go of self-imposed restrictions. Continue."

Doug looked at me and said, "You look uncomfortable and very hot. Let me make you feel comfortable." With that Doug pulled off my shoes, socks, pants, and underwear. In less than 30 seconds I was naked from the waist down. My erect cock was pulsing. I tried to protest but all I could say was, "Please don't."

Dr. Winchester then asked, "Have you ever been alone and naked with another man before?"

I replied, "No. It was embarrassing but I was shocked that I continued to feel sexually excited. I was confused."

Dr. Winchester said, "You were releasing your predetermined inhibitions and weren't quite certain that it would be okay. Perhaps for the first time in your life you were allowing yourself to be you and not what others thought you should be. Please continue."

"Doug started to massage my legs and as he moved to my inner thighs, I became increasingly willing to do whatever he wanted me to do. Within a minute my cock and balls were in his hands as he stroked me."

He then said, "You are becoming a liberated person and not limited to what is between your legs. Tonight, you will find what you really want. You look very uncomfortable."

Without any further word Doug stripped off my shirt and t-shirt. I was now naked on his couch and sexually aroused and confused.

Dr. Winchester asked, "Now that you were naked, and someone had control of your penis how did you feel?"

"I was confused. I was uncomfortable but had feelings that I never experienced. Being naked as Doug stroked my chest made me feel very vulnerable and submissive. When he played with my nipples, it released even further sense of erotic pleasure. I didn't want these feelings, but freedom felt wonderful."

Dr. Winchester observed, "You achieved something that many people never experience. Total sexual freedom. Please continue."

"As he stroked me the total loss of inhibitions over took me. All I wanted was to release this tension. Within a minute Doug returned to stroke my cock. As his strokes increased, I could no longer control myself and I ejaculated. While I regularly masturbated, I never had such a strong release. It was amazing."

Using my t-shirt to clean up my released cream, I felt like a child having mud wiped off my body by my mother. Dough then looked at me, "Now you must consider yourself to be a homosexual."

Dr. Winchester followed up, "Now that you were called gay how did that make you feel?"

"Doctor, I was scared and did not believe I was gay. I had a very exciting experience, but I still like girls."

"At that point Doug pulled me onto the couch and lay there face down with my cock pushed against the cushions. At that point he spread my legs apart and pulled my trapped cock between them."

He said, "I know that if I control a person's ass, I control them. You have already submitted yourself to me and now I am going to take full control of you." With that I felt a lube of some sort spread on my rectum followed by his finger inserted.

Dr. Winchester, "Take is a dramatic moment for anyone. Had you ever experienced that before?"

I replied, "No not really." She asked, "Not really—explain."

"Several months before this night I had to get a complete physical as part of potential job offer. It was normal exam without any surprises until the doctor told me to drop my underwear and bend over the exam table. He was going to give me a prostate exam. This was my very first experience of anyone or anything penetrating me. As his finger penetrated my ass, I had an uncontrollable erection. Fortunately, I was able to avoid ejaculation but just barely. After the exam I rushed home. Stripped and masturbated until I released. Within thirty minutes I masturbated again. In fact I masturbated at least 5 times that day. I was surprised and ashamed that a single penetration of my ass caused such arousal"

Dr. Winchester, "So penetration does arouse you. That a natural and common experience. Nothing to be ashamed of."

I continued, "Doug knew how to manipulate me and within a few minutes I was moaning and pleading for him to release me." I heard him say, "I will do better than that."

As I lay there excited Doug did the ultimate.

Dr. Winchester questioned, "The ultimate?"

I started to tear up. "Yes, Doctor he fucked me."

She asked, "How did that make you feel?"

"My first feeling was shame. But my arousal and experience were so strong that I could only enjoy the moment. I felt further liberation. Doug had total control and I felt so good I didn't care."

Dr. Winchester. "That is an okay feeling and you experienced some release you had never experienced. That does not make you gay or anything else."

I replied, "I understand. The feelings that flooded me were of pleasure and that I didn't care,"

After a few minutes rest Doug pulled me over on my back. Lying there naked and totally under his control he said, "You can no understand that what is between your legs do not determine your true sexual identity."

I started to protest but didn't.

Dr. Winchester asked, "So you surrendered to, at least for that moment, the idea that you could enjoy sex outside the stereotyped rolls that we are given as children?"

"I struggled with that but perhaps I was accepting that idea."

Dr. Winchester then asked, "Was there anything else that happened that evening?"

After an uncomfortable minute I replied, "Yes."

She said, "What happened. Did you take a shower and go to bed with Doug?"

I quickly replied, "No. At the party I saw a good-looking girl that Doug told me that as a freshman the girl was a boy but thanks to his counseling, she became the person she was meant to be?"

Dr. Winchester asked, "What happened?"

"I am laying naked on the couch when Doug calls out, 'Carrie, please join us.' That beautiful girl comes into the room. She is naked and approaches us."

Doug then said to me, "You see how beautiful she is. Her nice firm breasts, smooth skin, and great legs make her fantastic. She also has something extra. Between her legs is a penis that makes her and anyone she wants to spend time very excited. She knows better than any woman or man who to bring her partner to complete sexually release. After examining you I am convinced that you could become like Carrie. The rewards of such a change are fantastic and they release you from all sexual inhibition. Before you leave tonight, Carrie will fuck you and make you desire to freedom she enjoys."

Dr. Winchester so what happened? "I was fucked by Carrie. She was amazing and even though I had already had several fantastic climaxes, this one was unbelievable. She knew how to totally take control and made me feel unbelievable. All I wanted then and now is to be fucked like that or even to be able to fuck men and women like I was fucked."

Dr. Winchester said, "When I clap my hands you will come out of your hypnotic state. You will remember only that you shared some personal things with me but none of the details. You will ask for another appointment for tomorrow afternoon. When you get home, you will have an uncontrollable desire to shave all your body hair. You will remember how Carrie looked and want to be smooth.

Hearing the clapping of Dr. Winchester's hands, I awoke.

Dr. Winchester asked, "You came to me wanted to know if an experience you had 20 years ago was real or a fantasy. After listening to the intensity of you accounts and your feelings, I need to think about what you have shared. I will do my best to give you an answer tomorrow.