Michael or Mac Ep. 01

I must admit this is an odd question and one I had never considered. The reason being that I just wasn't interested. "Well, Emma." This question is a minefield. "Oh shit, how can I put this? For one, I have no interest in Donna. Two, she has a boyfriend, And Three, I just don't like her."

"Christ, sugar coat it, why not." For a second, I think I have overstepped the mark insulting Donna like that, but as I look at Emma, I can see her eyes are telling me something different. "But there must be a reason."

"You're right; there is a reason. When I first moved here, Grammy thought it would be nice if we played together. So I was taken next door and introduced to her. At first, she was all smiles, but as soon as Grammy disappeared back next door, she went running into her mum asking not to have to play with the strange, smelly boy."

"But you were both very young."

"Well, to be honest, I don't see she's changed much as a person since. If anything, she's worse."

"So what you are saying is, if she walks up to you and asks, 'Mac would you like some of this?' You would say no. Even if she wiggles her shapely ass and pushes her enormous boobs in your face?"

I have to laugh at her analogy. "Yes, Emma, I would say no thank you."

Emma then looks at me, partially hiding behind her notebook. "How about me?"

I'm sorry, but this was too hard not to say, "Would you wiggle your shapely ass and push your boobs in my face?" I don't know how I did it, but I kept a straight face from start to end.

Emma gives an audible gasp. Then she kicks me with her right leg. She looks down at her chest. "I don't think you'd want me to shake these in your face." Then I get a second Kick. "Are you looking at my boobs?" I can only bury my face in my hand as I go red while laughing.

When I glance back up, I can see Em's got the biggest grin on her face. "Nothing wrong with them." Just comes out of my mouth.

"Are we seriously having a conversation about my boobs?" She asks, half amazed, half laughing. Then she adds a little quieter, "well, I think they're too small."

I sit quietly because this is the first time I have felt awkward all day. I'm not sure how to answer her. I try to stay quiet, but the silence is deafening. "Em, I like you how you are, and they look fine from here." This conversation is going way too personal for me, but she has a fantastic pair of tits between you and me. Just a little over a hand full is perfect. At this point, I should plead the fifth but just take a deep breath. "Please don't put yourself down. Of all the girls in school, you are the one I would ask out, and that's not because of our past." Christ, did I just say that? I am digging a hole here. "If you are comparing yourself with Donna, then you are bound to say they are small. If you think about it, though, if Donna's are too big, that makes yours just right." I think I'm coming down with a bad case of foot in mouth. Then, in a slight moment of panic, I add, "I'm not sure I am ready to go out with anyone."

Emma's eyes looked down at that. I feel I am letting Emma down. "Hey, Emma." I stroke her feet with my hand.

Her eyes came back up. "I'm sorry, Mac, I'm......." I can see her eyes start to tear up.

"Hey Em, don't." I am searching for the right words, but this is so far from where I am comfortable. "It's not that I don't like you like that." I laugh because I can't believe I was going to admit this. "I have been watching you live your life from a distance for such a long time. Seeing you up close, and you know who I am.......... Oh shit." I put my face in my hands. It's become all of a sudden so much more emotional than I can cope with.

Emma wipes her eyes, "you've been watching me?"

It is time for me to blush. "Of course I have, but not in a weird way. You have grown into a gorgeous young woman. You have always held a special place in my heart." Shit, did I just say that?

"Really?"

Now I feel myself falling back into the hole. "Yes, really." We sit there for a minute in silence. I still can't believe we are having this conversation. I need to backtrack a little. Things are getting out of control. "Em, to be honest, this is way further than I thought we would go."

"So what are you saying? You don't want me that way?"

"No, I'm not saying that." God, I'm out of my depth. "What I'm saying is that I'm not ready for this." Emma is now looking at me with a bit of hope in her eyes. "Emma, we need to do this right, or it could hurt us. We've always been great friends and comfortable together, so let's start there." Emma smiles at me to my relief. "Are we good?"

I think she is a little relieved with that. It was getting a little intense. "Yeah, we're good. Can I ask one thing before we change the subject?"

"Sure."

"Do you feel...... I'm not sure how to put this. Do you feel......"

"The bond we share? That feeling of belonging?" I say, finishing her sentence.

Emma's eyes open wide, and she puts her hand over her mouth with an audible gasp. "You do feel it too." There's a silence between us. My discomfort inside is starting to bubble to the surface. She can sense that I'm uncomfortable with the situation. "Sorry, Mac, for putting that on you. Thank you, though." She looks happier. "You're so different than before."

"In what way?"

She thinks for a moment. "I don't know; you are more guarded, I suppose. I can see in your eyes that you are the same Mac, but I can't put my finger on what you do that's different." She opens the book again, flicking through the pages.

I look up and see her smiling back at me. "There can't be many more questions left in that book."

I do have one more question that isn't in my book. "Will you come to my birthday party in a couple of weeks?"

"That's right, October 6th."

"You remembered?" Her face comes alive. "I am impressed. We aren't having a party until the Saturday after, though."

"Sure, I will be there. Are you sure you want to associate with Mac in public? The last thing you want on your birthday is drama."

"Mac, you will be my guest of honor."

I can only feel a little uncomfortable. "Who else will be coming?"

"Oh, not a huge party. Some of my family and some other friends from school with their boyfriends."

"How about Donna?"

"Well, I invite her every year, and every year she makes some excuse and doesn't turn up."

"But this is your 18th?"

"I still will be surprised if she shows before you."

"So you think she will make her excuses, and when she hears that I'm at the party, she will suddenly turn up?"

"Yep, that's about it."

"I can't believe that even from her."

Emma rolls her eyes. "She's not been a good friend for a while now. Once one of my guests messages her saying who my special guest is, she won't be able to stay away."

"Christ, you are a devious one. Remind me to stay on your good side." We sit there silent for a minute. Em hasn't stopped smiling since I agreed to come to her birthday. "Okay, enough talk about my next-door neighbor. When's your next Math lesson with me?" Hopefully, she will like the change of subject.

"Oh god, good thing you mentioned that. Come on, we best check." With that, Emma jumps out of the hammock. I follow as we make our way into the house and back up to Emma's bedroom. As she goes through her school bag, I continue to look at the other photos on her wall. They seem to catalog her life. Again, I feel a twinge of guilt because of how much I've missed.

Emma lays her books out, "right next week, oh god, it looks like we will be starting Trigonometry." She glances up at me. "Can you come over tomorrow?" I nod my head as a big smile spreads across her face. "Mac, is there any way you could help me with other subjects?" She looks at me, biting her bottom lip waiting for my answer.

"I suppose, hoping to get into a better University, are you?"

She smiles at my answer, "possibly, you never know."

We head back down, "what do you want to do now? We could watch something on Netflix or something. How about we order in as well."

"A film would be good, and I am hungry. How do you fancy pizza?"

"Pizza it is, and I'm sure we can find something to watch. Best tidy up outside first."

We go back out and put everything away. We are still chatting away like we used to. Once done, we order the pizza and settle down in the family room. We end up sitting on the love seat together, but only because it's the best position to watch the TV. Emma suggests a film that we saw when we were kids that scared us both called Quarantine. It was about a TV crew who get locked up in a building that has a zombie-like infection. It is still a good film but didn't even make us look away. We both laughed at the recollection of us hiding behind cushions when we first watched it. I have to admit, I was more terrified than Em was. Any excuse to cuddle back then. As the film goes on, I notice Em is starting to lean against me. I don't think it's deliberate, more because she's curled her feet up under her; some things never change. Then her head starts to rest on my shoulder. I glance at her, but it seems like she's falling asleep. I have two options. One was just to watch the film, and the other was to wrap my arm around her to let her snuggle. In the end, I chicken out and watch the movie without moving.

Emma's Mum and Dad walk through the front door. Emma jolts awake, not quite aware of her surroundings. But, once she sees me, she works out that she must have fallen asleep. She gives me a shy smile and gets up to greet her parents.

As they all file back into the family room, I get up and make my excuses before getting ready to walk home. Em comes with me to the back garden. "Thanks for today, Mac. It feels so good to have you back."

I smile at her but feel too awkward to offer a hug. As I pick my ax and backpack up, and we say our goodbyes. I can see the Em wants to finish the day with more than a wave, but my heart was already beating too fast, and I was so close to just running to hide. I hated myself for disappointing her, but I am conscious of things moving too fast for me. Walking home, I go through what we had done today. I had beaten down most of the panicking, but as I get closer to home, I start to get overwhelmed with emotions that I'm not used to feeling.

As I walk into my house, Paps is sat in his usual seat waiting for me. "Hi, Paps."

"Hey Mac, how was your day?"

"Stressful." I couldn't hide the discomfort I was starting to feel as I thought about my day on the short walk home.

"You've taken a giant step today Michael." It's rare when Paps uses my given name. It was Grammy who only called me Michael, but Paps is making a point. "Don't overthink it or put yourself down for being worried." To say his words took me by surprise is like saying that Armageddon was one of those days. My Paps rarely spoke to me in this way. He was an old-fashioned man with old-fashioned values, and telling another man about feelings just didn't happen often.

"Thanks, Paps." With that, I disappeared upstairs and into my room. Collapsing down on my bed, I lay there shaking. All the feelings that I had been hiding all day come to the surface. "What are you thinking, Mac?" I ask myself. I couldn't help it, and my eyes tear up. Taking a deep breath, I try to calm myself. Holding my hands out, and I watch them shake before burying my face in my hands.

The emotions flood over me, but I am confused. I am not sure why. Is it relief, or am I still worried about getting close to Emma? I don't have an answer. In frustration, I get up and go into my rec room. I get my acoustic guitar from the cupboard and sit down heavily on the couch. I start to pluck at the strings with no real thought. I am snapped out of my daze by my phone going off.

"Who the hell is ringing me this time of night?" I look at the screen, Em. "Hey."

"Hey Mac, sorry for calling, but.........." She trails off as she detects something is wrong. "Mac, are you okay?" I stayed silent for a while. Finally, I put the phone on speaker and put it down on the arm. "Mac?"

"Sorry, Em."

"Are you okay?"

I take a deep breath, play a couple of notes. "Yeah, I'm okay. Sorry, I think I got a little freaked by today."

"What do you mean by freaked?"

"Ummm." I play a couple more notes. Realizing the song that I am starting to play.

"Are you playing your guitar?"

"Mmm yeah. It calms me and helps me think." I am a little surprised by my openness. I usually have to play by the hour for this sort of therapy.

"Mac, I'm sorry, I must have pushed you too far. I promise to try and give you the time you need to adjust." She pauses for a second. "Mac, was it me drying you after the shower or the hammock?"

I smile to myself at the memory of them both but realize that it wasn't what Emma had done. I take another deep breath. I am still plucking the odd cord as I try to word what I want to say. "Em, it wasn't what you did that affected me. Although, if I am honest, I do feel calm when I am with you. It's just that becoming close to someone. All my old fears started coming to the surface. I thought I was past that, but it seems not." I continue to play my guitar as I wait for a reaction from Emma.

She breaks her silence with, "I'm pleased that you feel you can be open with me. But, Mac, if anything worries you......" She pauses as she struggles to find the right words. "It's just that if you need to talk or anything, please tell me. Don't leave me guessing; I've waited this long for you. There's no way I want to mess up over a misunderstanding." I think she sees that this conversation is getting deep, so she changes tack. "Are you going to play me a song?" Em must be very close to her phone because her breath blows on the mic.

"Would you like me too?"

"Always." I can hear the smile she has on her face. I feel so relaxed. All of my anxiety seems to wash away. I start to pluck the strings, and after a short while, I begin to sing.

"Hey, where did we go?"

"Days when the rains came."

"Down in the hollow,"

"Playing a new game." As I sang to the phone, tears started to run down my face. I can feel the tension of being back with Emma leaving my body.

As I finish the last note, I could hear Em sniff. "Hey Em, are you okay?"

"You bastard," she balled. "You got to me."

A smile spread across my face. "Me too, Em, me too."

"Oh, before I forget, what time are you over tomorrow?"

"Do you mind the morning? I got something on in the afternoon."

"Morning is fine. Do I get one last tune?"

I idly play cords trying to think of a song, but then something clicks in my head.

"I've got another confession to make." I start, and I hear a little scream from the phone.

I continue, "I'm your fool."

"Everyone's got their chains to break. Holdin' you." I can hear Em start to singing along. Everyone loves the Foo Fighters.

As I finish the last couple of cords, I hear clapping. A sense of satisfaction spreads over me. "Christ, Mac, that was so good. Did you hear me singing along?"

"Yes, Em, you've got a beautiful voice yourself."

"Oh stop, no, I haven't. Now you're just being nice."

"There you go putting yourself down again. I would love to do a duet with you."

"Oh, I don't know, I like singing along, but that's as far as I want to go."

"Well, Em, I am one day going to change your mind."

"Yeah right, is that the same day hell is freezing over?" I had to laugh at that. "Mac, can you play me a tune to help me sleep?"

I don't answer but start to play quietly. At first, I am stuck, but the song Hero comes to mind as I play. It has a fantastic guitar sound when played acoustically, and of course, I put a South American edge to it.

As I finish, everything goes silent other than the rhythmic breathing of Emma on the other end of my phone. I'm not sure how long I listen to her, but I finally press the red button when I feel my eyelids begin to get heavy.

******

For the third time in nine days, I find myself walking into Emma's house. I am feeling more positive today after last night's meltdown. It's a colder day than it has been of late. There's mist in the air, and the first chills of autumn are the reason for my hoodie.

"Hi Kim, long time no see," I say as I walk through the back door.

"Hello Mac, yeah, it's been too long." She gives me a grin over her coffee cup.

"So, where is her ladyship?" I ask.

"I think she is up in her room. She wants you to go straight up."

"Does she now?" I raise my eyebrows as if to say, 'Is that an order?'

"Would you like a coffee first?"

"Seems I am a little early, so yes." I sit down opposite Kim as she gets up to make me a coffee. Kim puts a full mug of coffee in front of me and sits down next to me.

She leans over and kisses my cheek, "thanks for yesterday. Emma has been okay with me again." Kim takes a sip of her coffee. "I heard you on the phone last night. You are very good. Ever thought of joining a band?"

"I am in a band," I inform her.

A surprised look spreads across her face. "Are they any good?"

"Not bad, that's where I'm going this afternoon. The guys want to practice. We have a gig in a couple of weeks."

"What's the band called?" She asks as she takes a sip of coffee.

"Charlottes Web." As I reply, she sprays her coffee back into her cup.

"Shit Mac, they're getting quite a name for themselves locally."

"Yeah, the problem is I can't commit myself to them because of Uni. I seem to disappear when they need me most. So I just join in when I can."

Kim lowers her voice to a whisper. "I don't suppose you can sing at Emma's birthday?"

Oh shit, what mess am I getting myself in? "Emma's already invited me to her birthday," I say, trying to get out of it.

"Yes, she told me her little plot, but I would like to add a twist."

"God, you two are so alike," I say, shaking my head.

"What's this?" says a voice from the door. "Trying to steal my study partner?" Emma is standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips. "I thought I heard voices." She then says as a great smile spreads across her face.

"Yeah, needed a caffeine hit before I came up." I grabbed my cup as I turn towards Kim with raised eyebrows. "Thanks for the coffee Kim."

"No problem Mac." I push the chair back under the table and walk towards Emma.

"Good morning Em. Hope you're ready for this."

"Hey Mac, I'm ready for anything you want to throw at me." She says as she holds the door open, and I pass.

"Fighting talk." We both laugh as we make our way upstairs.

As we enter Emma's room, I make my way naturally to the bay window. As I sit down, I notice Emma smiling at me. "What?"

"You've always sat there. I find it funny that even after all this time, you choose to sit there."

"Oh right. Would you like to sit here?"

"Oh no, I didn't mean to make your move." Emma indicates for me to sit down.

I get my Math book out of my backpack, Emma joins me on the large seat, and we settle down to work. Today we are looking at Trigonometry. It becomes clear very quickly that Em knows nothing, so we are starting from the basics.

After an hour, Emma is struggling to follow the textbook way. "Sorry, Mac, how the hell do you remember this?"

"Oh, I simply remember SOHCAHTOA and the 3, 4, 5 triangles."

"What?"

"Okay, triangles with a right angle, you can work out the answer by looking at what information you have. So I draw the triangle like this." I draw a quick freehand right-angled triangle. "So once I have done that and added what information we have, I apply the correct equation using SOHCAHTOA."

"What's SOHCAHTOA?"

"That's the word I remember to find the right equation, for example. SOH is Sin equals opposite over hypotenuse. CAH is Cosine equals the adjacent over hypotenuse, and finally, TOA is Tangent equals opposite over the adjacent." I take a breath, but Emma still has a confused look. "Okay, take this triangle. We have the information for the hypotenuse, which is always the longest side, and if we want to find this angle here, we have the opposite as well. So you look at what you have and then match it with the correct formula."