Mindgames Ch. 19

Note from the author: As I write this note in the wake of coronavirus, we are all worried about our health, the health of our loved ones, and the future of the economy. A few chapters ago, Mariah, obnoxious as always, asked Gabriel why she should do something he was requesting of her. He responded, "It's how friendship works, Mariah. And family. And community. People help each other." I wish friendship, family, community, and good health to all of you - and the opportunity to help each other.

Chapter 19: Stopped on the way

Mariah remembers

Master Cassender rarely let Mariah out of his sight, and he always kept her chained, to the house or to the wagon or sometimes to his own wrist.

He demanded little of her by way of duties. There was no hall master to complain that the cabin was musty, and Mariah made no effort to air it out. Master Cassender did his own cooking, such as it was - often he would simply pour the contents of a jar into a bowl, or eat out of the jar itself.

He took care of Mariah, in much the same way as he took care of his horses. He saw to it that she ate, drank, exercised, and groomed herself. He flicked her with his whip to get her attention or to speed her along, but he was not brutal. He talked to her, with seeming indifference as to whether she listened.

Each morning they would set out to the meadowlands that bordered the wall. Sometimes they stayed close to the cabin and walked. Other times they took the wagon farther away. Master Cassender would wander around, looking at plants or under them, occasionally digging them up and then replacing them.

He carried with him two notebooks that he wrote in constantly. Mariah came to understand that he was making lists of plants and animals. She never understood why.

One day he had sex with her in the back of the wagon. As always, he insisted that Mariah look at him when he was inside her. As always, he moved slowly, making sure she got her pleasure.

Just as she was about to come, he stilled. Mariah bit down a whimper, expelled a breath. Was she allowed to look away?

"What is it that cuts you when you dream?" Master Cassender asked her. "When you cry out in your sleep?"

What was this? Mariah closed her eyes.

"No," Master Cassender ordered. He covered her mouth and her nose with his hands. She opened her eyes and he let her breathe. "What cuts you?"

He must never know. Mariah wriggled, hoping to distract him. "Answer me," he said. "And then I'll fuck you until your eyes roll back in your head." Mariah was not sure if he was threatening her or making her a promise.

"I don't know, Master," Mariah said.

Still inside her, he turned them so they were on their sides, facing each other, and he reached down and touched the very top of her clitoris. "You do know," he said. "You have the same dream every night." He began to circle, lightly, lightly. "Tell me and I'll let you come." He tapped her and Mariah cried out, but it was not enough. "Tell me."

Mariah struggled to think. He tapped her again. "The stove," she grunted. "I dream I burn myself on it."

Master Cassender slid his finger up to her abdomen. "No," he said. "A burn is not a cut. Tell me." He thrust inside her. His finger moved back down. "The truth."

And then he moved his hand around to her backside, and his finger was sliding in and out of her with the same slow rhythm as his cock. "Tell me." He shifted so the shaft of his cock was on her slit, but he stopped pumping. Mariah whimpered. She could not think. Everything was sensation. "Tell me."

He would never let her come. If she held out, he would know she had a secret. Inside her, he bent his finger. She could not think of a lie. "Tell me."

"The wall," she said. "The barbed wire."

"Good girl." Master Cassender straightened his finger and rammed it into her ass. At the same time he rammed his cock into her pussy. She exploded over him. He kept going, in front and in back, and she came again and again until the sensation was too much and she tried to wriggle away. "Good girl," Master Cassender said, and released into her.

Present day

Animal let go of Rose's hand as he opened the sliding door to Gabriel's apartment. Gabriel and Mariah sat at the table crushing dried herbs into powder. Mariah scowled and scooted her chair back when they came in. Gabriel smiled benignly.

"Mind if we have breakfast here?" Animal asked. "My apartment still smells foul."

Gabriel nodded. "Do you want me to teach you to make . . ." But Rose was already walking to the kitchen area. Gabriel stood up abruptly. "Rose, your cuts . . ." He shot Animal a look of utter contempt. "They're infected." He reached for his medicine bag.

Animal was horrified to see the inflamed stripes on Rose's backside. He had retrieved the comfrey this morning, but Rose had distracted him. And then he had fucked her as she lay on her back. He shuddered. It would have hurt even if her wounds weren't infected.

Gabriel was saying to Rose, "Come into the other room with me. I'll get you fixed right up."

"No," Animal said. "I'll do it. Just tell me what to do." There was a note of desperation in his voice.

Gabriel barely spared him a glance. "You've had a day and a night to put salve on the wounds you made," he said. "You chose not to take care of her."

Animal backed up as if Gabriel had punched him in the gut. Somehow Rose was by his side. "Go on with Gabriel," he muttered to her. Rose hesitated, but when Animal wouldn't look at her she followed Gabriel into his bedroom.

His appetite lost, Animal plopped down into the armchair, put his feet on the footstool, and stared unseeingly at one of his paintings on the wall. He sighed and was surprised to hear an echoing sigh from across the room. He had forgotten Mariah was sitting at the table. The black eye he had given her had faded to an ugly olive green. "Are you going to tell me what a bad person I am, too?" he snapped at her.

Mariah blinked and lifted her chin. "Please forgive me, Master," she said in her most obnoxious obsequious tone. "This slave was not thinking of you at all, and begs that you do with her as you see fit."

Animal reddened. He took a breath and expelled it. "Okay, I deserved that," he said. "Just out of curiosity, what were you thinking of?"

Mariah pinched a bit of the herbs she had been crushing, sniffed them, and wrinkled her nose. She said in a normal tone, "I was remembering a pansy master I had once."

"Lucky you," Animal said sourly. "Did he whip you and let your wounds fester?"

Mariah shook her head. "He never touched me. Never even looked at me. He sat in an armchair all day and felt sorry for himself."

Animal grinned lopsidedly at the disdain in her voice. "What was his name?"

"Master Townsend."

"Really?" Animal raised his eyebrows. "Blond fellow, nasally, a few years older than me?"

Mariah nodded. "You know him?"

"I haven't seen him in years, but we grew up down the hall from each other." Animal shuddered. "It was terrible what happened to him."

Mariah put down the herbs. "What do you mean, Master?"

"You never heard?" Mariah shook her head. "When he was caught as a pervert?"

"A pervert?" Mariah said. "Is that a real thing? I thought it was just an insult, like changeling or . . ."

"Pansy." Animal grimaced. "It's real. Townsend liked to . . . " He searched for the right words. "Role reversal, they call it. He would pretend that he was the slave and that his slaves owned him. He would have them order him around, and punish him."

Mariah shook her head. "That wouldn't be him, then. I told you, he barely even looked at me."

"This was a long time ago," Animal said. "His was the first public punishment I was old enough to be required to attend."

"He was punished?" Mariah put her hand on the table, as if she were trying to steady herself.

"Our hall mistress walked in on him. Nasty lady. He was convicted of miscegenation, and given a choice between being castrated or killing the two slaves he had been caught with." Animal's eyes were distant. "At first he elected to accept his punishment. But he was told that the slaves would be killed anyway, horribly, skinned alive, if he refused to hang them. So he kicked the bench out from under them, and kept his balls." He sighed heavily. "Town was never the same after."

"Neither were the slaves he killed, I imagine," Mariah said drily.

Animal gazed at Mariah. "Have you never regretted anything you've been forced to do?"

Mariah flushed. Taking that as a yes, Animal continued, "Then maybe you can find some pity in your heart for others who feel the same."

"Even if I were human, I wouldn't express my regrets by rotting in an armchair, staring at my dirty fingernails!" Mariah snapped.

"No." Animal smiled ruefully. "You would plot your escape." He ignored Mariah's sputter. "But it wouldn't undo whatever you've done." He suddenly understood better what Gabriel had told him yesterday about living every day to make up for past wrongs.

He stood up. "You're right. Rotting in an armchair does no good for anyone." He walked to the kitchen. "I believe Gabriel was going to teach me how to cook something easy before his attention was called elsewhere. Would you show me how to scramble eggs?"

Mariah remembers

Master Cassender cuffed Mariah's wrists together, and attached her ankle to his own wrist by a long chain. He led her to his wagon. When Mariah realized that he was steering the horses to the wall, her heart began to pound. She fought to keep her eyes averted.

They drove onto a strip of hard clay fifty feet wide that separated the meadow from the wall. "They spray the ground with poison every two years to keep anything from growing here," Master Cassender told her.

Master Cassender reined the horses in a few feet from the wall. "Look at it," Master Cassender ordered Mariah. She forgot to count to ten before she looked. It was a swirling mass of barbed wire, twice as tall as she was. "Go as close as you like," Master Cassender said, "but don't touch it. If you cut yourself on it the rust can poison your blood."

"It would be worth it," Mariah thought. She climbed out of the wagon. Master Cassender followed her. The wall towered above her. She turned her head to the right and then to the left. As far as she could see it was the same, impassable, unclimbable, surrounded by clay.

"A ladder," Mariah thought. If she could just find a ladder. But Master Cassender was looking at her. She turned away and climbed back into the wagon, her eyes down.

Present day

Animal was hovering over the frying eggs when Gabriel and Rose came out of Gabriel's bedroom. "Finish these, will you?" Animal said to Mariah. He ignored Rose's astonished gasp and raised his hand when Gabriel started speaking. "Me first," he said. He looked at Rose.

"I've apologized for whipping you yesterday, and I'll continue to regret it to the end of my days." Rose protested but Animal talked over her. "And I'm sorry that I let your cuts get infected. I'm trying to do better, but I've got a lifetime of bad habits behind me and it's going to take some time. So I need your help. If you're in pain, or you need something, or you want something, I want you to tell me. Okay?"

Rose blushed. "Yes, Master."

Animal took a deep breath. "And right now I want you to tell me the truth: Do you understand that you can go to Gabriel whenever you want? That if you choose to be his and not mine, he will take you in? If I mistreat you, or just because you feel like it, you can always go to him. Even the Bearer will support you. You understand that?"

"Yes, Master."

Animal turned to Gabriel. "Do you believe her? That she knows she can go to you?"

Gabriel nodded. "I think so," he said.

"Good," Animal said. "Then stop rubbing it in my face." He didn't wait for Gabriel to respond. "And another thing: I like having sex with Rose and Rose says that she likes having sex with me. We're not going to fuck in front of you, out of respect, but we're going to fuck and that's our business, not yours." He barely stopped for a breath before continuing, "And I love her. She says that she loves me. That's our business too." He paused. "Okay?"

"Okay," said Gabriel mildly. "Anything else?"

Animal blinked in surprise, and expelled a breath. "No," he said. "That should do it." He took the plate of eggs Mariah was handing him, and sat down abruptly at the table. Rose joined him with a bowl of gruel. "That went well, don't you think?" he said to her.

Rose smiled, but she was looking at Gabriel. Did Animal imagine it, or did Gabriel wink at Rose? Animal suspected suddenly that he was not the first person that morning who had told Gabriel to leave him and Rose alone.

Mariah remembers

Each morning Mariah woke before Master Cassender. She would lay as still as she could, afraid that if she moved the rattling of her chain would rouse him. During those precious minutes she would visualize the endless wall covered in barbed wire.

She was sure a ladder tall enough to get over it existed. In some places the mansion was three stories high and its walls and roof needed occasional repairs. But that helped her not at all. She had no ladder, short or tall.

She could make a climbing structure out of buckets and crates-if she had buckets and crates and time and freedom of movement. She had none, of course.

She reviewed her conversation with Vancea so long ago, word by word, until she was certain that the slave woman had told her only that escape was possible, but not how she had managed it.

Mariah knew the wall extended all around Riviera, in a great ring. There must be areas where it had fallen into disrepair, or where trees had been allowed to grow close to it, perhaps with long overhanging limbs. But there were no such spots within sight of Master Cassender's cabin, or the meadows where he worked.

One morning, as Mariah went over yet again everything that had transpired between her and Vancea, she recalled quite suddenly a snippet of a different conversation. Mistress Ilse had taken her to a party. Mariah had sat on her lap, not much listening to the talk as her mistress idly fingered her. Something about a place far away. Alfland? Alfa something? It wasn't in Riviera. They were speaking of a human, someone's relative, who had long ago had set out to visit there, and had never come back.

It wasn't in Riviera. It was outside. There must be a way to get outside.

Present day

After finishing his eggs Master Animal stood abruptly. "I want to . . ." He stopped, looked at his plate, and carried it to the kitchen like it was a fragile, precious sculpture. Mariah carefully avoided looking at Master Gabriel or Rose when the sound of running water was followed by mild cursing and a clatter. Master Animal came back, his shirt wet. "I want to visit an old friend this morning." Rose stood up but Master Animal raised his hand to stop her. "I need to go by myself," he said. "Would you meet me at the revel room in a couple hours?"

"If it pleases you, Master." Rose sat down again. Master Animal looked discomfited. He seemed as if he were going to say something. Instead he stalked out, slamming the door behind him.

Master Gabriel replaced some of the herbs in his bag with the leaves he and Mariah had crushed. He said, "I need to drop these off to Yana, and show Bruce how to prepare them." He grimaced a little. "Mariah, whatever happened between you and the Bearer the other day . . ." Mariah went cold. "I'd rather not repeat it. Would you mind staying with Rose?"

She breathed a small sigh of relief. "If it pleases you, Master," she said. She pretended not to see Master Gabriel's exasperated look. He gathered up his things and, with a wave to Mariah and a smile at Rose, he left.

Mariah glanced at the door to make sure he had closed it firmly. Unlike Master Animal, he rarely rushed back in for forgotten supplies. She turned to Rose. "I asked Mistress Tabitha how to clear the smoke smell from Master Animal's apartment. She said to wash the walls with vinegar."

"You asked her?" Rose said, sounding both gratified and worried.

Mariah rolled her eyes. "Relax. I didn't tell her what happened. Just that a recipe from that cookbook didn't work out."

"Thank you," Rose said, touching Mariah's hand.

Mariah shrugged. "It seemed better to be upfront about it than to let her be surprised during an inspection." She stood up. "We'll need a few gallons of the stuff. Should we borrow Raul's cart?"

On their way to the food exchange they paused in the entrance hall and looked out the enormous picture window. The usual activity was taking place on the lawn: humans strolling, yardboys mowing the grass, someone throwing a stick for a dog to chase. Their attention was drawn by a loud shriek. A housegirl stood with her arms wrapped tight around an oak tree as her master beat her with a willow switch. Mariah looked away.

"You must think I'm a fool," Rose said softly. She took the handle of the wagon and started to pull it. "About Master Animal."

Mariah took the other side of the handle. But she pushed back against it so the wagon stopped, and turned to face Rose. "I'm worried about you, it's true," she said. "When a mindgame like what he's playing ends, it's . . ." She spread her arms, trying to show the enormity of it. "It's devastating."

"You had feelings for a master once," Rose said, sudden understanding lighting her face.

Mariah shrugged. "A mistress," she said. "I thought I did. And I thought she cared for me." She walked forward. "It was just a mindgame, Rose. She was a human and I was a slave. No feelings can change that."

Rose walked quietly beside her, pulling the wagon. They left the entrance hall and entered the endless corridor. "She said she could see the light behind my darkness," Mariah said softly, looking straight ahead.

She froze, mortified, when Rose snorted with laughter. "I'm sorry," Rose said. "But she had you so easy."

"Easy?" Mariah's voice was faint.

"Easy," Rose said. "If I could paint you-I mean, I never could, but anyone can visualize it." She looked at Mariah intently, the way Mariah had seen Master Animal do before he started a new project. "The light behind the darkness. I like that."

They entered the food exchange. If Mariah refused to look at her, refused to speak to her, Rose didn't seem to notice. She navigated the huge room, explained her need for an outlandish amount of vinegar to a slave matron who sneered at her but gave her several gallons, and, taking her time, picked out enough food to save her another trip to the exchange for several days.

As they pulled the laden wagon back through the hallways, Rose said to Mariah, "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. It's just that, if that mistress let you go then she didn't deserve you."

"And Master Animal doesn't deserve you," Mariah said fiercely. "I know you've always thought you loved him, but . . ."

Rose abruptly stopped walking. "You think so little of me?" she asked.

Mariah blinked.

Rose said, "I had unnatural feelings for him, yes. Who doesn't for a kind master? But love?" She shook her head. "Until yesterday he never saw me."

"Don't let him!" Mariah stepped in front of Rose so they were facing each other. "Don't let him see you! When the mindgame is played out . . ."

Rose let go of the wagon handle. "Yesterday, I spent the afternoon drawing." Suddenly she laughed, causing a passing houseboy to look at her warily and scurry past. "It happened. I'll always know it happened. No mindgame can take that away!" Her voice was exultant.