Miscarriage and Depression

By the three o'clock shift change, Jackson was standing at the door and handing each employee a seven-hundred-and-fifty-dollar check. Everyone was surprised and very happy. They had decided to give their employees a small bonus for their hard work. Jackson and Joseph also decided to take a nice sized portion of the bonus money and use it for their company's Founding Day and Christmas Party that they had every year.

Jackson had just walked in the side garage door when his phone rang. It was Margret. She informed him that Tara had made an appointment with a marriage counselor named Dr. Carol Meyers for them at five PM on Thursday. They spoke briefly about each other's day. She complimented Jackson on his decision to give his employees a bonus check. After a few minutes of chit-chat, they hung up. Neither one of them had brought up Tara after the appointment announcement. It was just like any other conversation they'd had before all this had happened.

Jackson decided not to go to work on Wednesday. Instead, he spent the day researching the marriage counselor Dr. Meyers. She was a fifty-five-year-old divorcee with three adult children. She had a doctorate in Psychology from the University of Michigan. She ordered take-out every single Monday and Friday. She went to church every Sunday and played Bingo every Wednesday. She had very high marks from her peers. Her success rate was fifty percent. That made Jackson feel better. It told him that she didn't push in any direction.

When Jackson went into work on Thursday morning, there was a nice mini fridge sitting on top of a new table in his office. It had an orange bow and a card on it. The card was signed by every employee and inside the mini fridge were twenty bottles of IBC Crème Soda. Jackson laughed and was touched. He made sure to personally thank everyone. He did some more work on the new program until lunch. After lunch he went home to relax, gather, and prepare himself for the first session.

When it was time to leave, Jackson put on his Archie Griffin jersey and drove to the session. He arrived at Dr. Meyers office at four forty-five. He sat down and started reading a Sports Illustrated that was on the table. At exactly five o'clock, the receptionist ushered Jackson into the office. When he walked inside, Tara was sitting on the couch. To the untrained eye, she was simply dressed nicely.

Jackson knew however, that this was not the case. She was wearing a pink summer shirt that showed her shoulders and light-colored blue jeans with white sandals and painted pink toes. She had her blonde hair up in a messy top bun and had on eye makeup that had her blue eyes prominent. She was dressed just the way that he loved.

"That's dirty pool Tara." Jackson said as he sat down on the other end of the couch.

Tara just smiled at him and kept her hands in her lap.

"Did you come here wearing an Ohio State jersey to make statement to me?" Dr. Meyers asked.

"Well of course. I'm in enemy territory so I need to represent my team and remind you that Michigan sucks." Jackson said with a smile.

Dr. Meyers chuckled. "Yeah, we suck so much, we beat you in football and basketball again this year."

Jackson laughed, as Dr. Meyers immediately got down to business.

She introduced herself and stated that she has no desire whatsoever to push us towards reconciliation or towards divorce. She was simply there to observe and help both of us to communicate, understand and process the grief we were both feeling. Jackson and Tara both nodded in understanding.

"Now, why are you here today?"

After a few moments of silence, Tara was the one that decided to speak up first.

"I did something very stupid and hurtful. However, it's not what Jackson thinks it is. What I want to get out of marriage counseling is for us to find a way to put this behind us, and remain married til death do us part."

"I see." Dr. Meyers said.

"Are the two of you currently living together?"

"No. Jackson kicked me out and I'm staying with my sister."

"I kicked you out after I caught cheating on me with another man." Jackson replied.

"Jackson. You'll get the opportunity to speak after Tara is done." Dr. Meyers spoke to him.

"Now Tara. Were you with another man, other than your husband?"

"Yes. I was with another man, and he walked in on us, but it is not what he thinks."

"OK. Now Jackson, why are you here today?" Dr. Meyers asked.

"I'm here today because the judge will more than likely order counseling when we show up in divorce court. So I'm getting it over with now. It'll save me time and energy later." Jackson replied.

Tara let out a small wail and started crying. Dr. Meyers handed her a box of tissues.

"Have you filed the paperwork for a divorce Jackson?"

"I've already met with my divorce attorney Ms. Christina Caldwell, and she is drawing up the paperwork."

"OK. Now Jackson, I'm going to ask you to not file the paperwork with the courts yet.

"No. I'm having her served at a time and place of my choosing. It's my decision. Not yours, not hers, not anybody else's."

"Jackson, marriage Counseling is very hard. In my years of practice, I've discovered that when there is active divorce paperwork, making its way through the court system, it can be even more difficult to try to work through the issues that have led people to my office. That being said, it's entirely up to you though."

"I've already made and told you my decision."

Dr. Meyers continued to write notes in her pad throughout the conversation.

"OK. Now Jackson, what makes you think that Tara had an affair?"

Jackson went on and explained to Dr. Meyers how since the miscarriage, Tara had been cold, distant and abusive towards him. How she refused to go to any kind of counseling until now, even when he and her own family had begged and pleaded with her. He told her how he had decided to take Tara to lunch to celebrate his accomplishment, when he saw her get into the Jaguar. How he followed her to the hotel and seeing them kissing all the time. He told her that he has the whole thing on video and how he's backed it up on multiple servers and given a copy to his attorney.

As Jackson remembered and talked about it with Dr. Meyers, he could feel all that anger and hurt building back up again. He was yelling, his body was hot, his hands were clinched into tight fists.

"Thank you Jackson. I understand that recounting all of that, was not easy and painful." Dr. Meyers said.

"Tara, is what Jackson said true?"

"Yes and no. I never had sex with Bryan. I have never had sex anybody else since we've been married."

"OK. This is what we're going to do." Dr. Meyers said, walking over to her desk and looking at her computer.

"I'm going to see both of you together every Thursday at six o'clock in the evening. Jackson, I will see you alone on Mondays at six o'clock. Tara, I will see you on Tuesdays at six o'clock. Do those times work for the both of you?"

Jackson and Tara agreed. Dr. Meyers set up the future appointments, then sat back down in her chair across from them.

"Now is there anything either of you want to say before we depart until next week?

"Jackson, I'm so sorry for what has happened. Please, is there anyway we can go somewhere and talk, without anyone else, just the two of us?"

"Tara, I'm so God damn pissed off and hurt, that I want nothing to do with you. Other than having to come here to see Dr. Meyers. If I have anything to say to you, this is where I'll do it. I don't want to talk to you or even see you otherwise."

He stood up, got off the couch, and walked out the door. He had nothing else to say to either one of them. Jackson got into his Blazer and drove to work. He liked hanging out with the second and third shift workers. They were younger and were always brimming with new ideas, different points of views, and found ways to have fun while working. Jackson liked the first shift workers as well. They tended to be older and had children, so they were more goal and time oriented. If Jackson were being honest, first shift worked the hardest of them all; however all three shifts worked their asses off, just in different ways.

Jackson and Tara had had six counseling sessions together with Dr. Meyers. She was beginning to think that they would not be able to reconcile and stay married. Every session Tara had insisted that the situation was not what it had looked like. Jackson was very hurt and angry. He continued to stay that way at their sessions because Tara wouldn't talk about what it actually was. At least according to her.

Dr. Meyers felt that Jackson would be able to get past his hurt and anger if he knew what had actually happened. She also felt that Jackson did not really want to know because he liked being angry. It allowed him to feel that emotion now, because he wasn't able to feel it when he was trying to help his wife, after she had her miscarriage. She had put Tara on anti-depressant medication to help her deal with everything that was going on. The pain from the miscarriage and from what she had done to Jackson. With her marriage falling apart, Tara was barely holding herself together.

On a Tuesday night, at the end of a session with Tara, Dr. Meyers decided to see if she could get her to come off her denial. It was the only way to move forward.

On a Tuesday night at the end of a session, she finally decided to see if she could get Tara to come off her absolute denial. It wasn't usually a good idea to do something like that, but she felt like she had no choice. It was the only way that things would be able to move in a forward direction.

"Tara, before you leave here tonight there is one thing that we need to discuss. I am absolutely sure that if you do not tell Jackson every single thing that happened and explain why you did what you did; the best way that you can, your marriage to him is going to be over."

Tara looked at Dr. Meyers and fidgeted with her hands in her lap.

"I don't think Jackson is going to continue coming here anymore. He actually doesn't have to come here to begin with. Now, there is a chance that if you tell Jackson everything, your marriage will be over anyway. But telling him everything is the only way that the both of you can start repairing the damage that has been done to him and to you. Tara, I want you to really think about this and I'll see you both on Thursday." Dr. Meyers finished.

On Thursday night, Jackson and Tara were sitting in the waiting room to see Dr. Meyers. Tara had tried to make small talk, but Jackson wasn't responding. He could see that something was on her mind. It didn't matter to him. He just sat there in silence reading a magazine. They were finally called into her office and they both sat down on opposite ends of the couch. Tara immediately spoke up.

"There are some things that I need to tell Jackson and I need to do it before I lose my courage to do so." as she pulled a few tissues out of her purse.

"OK, go ahead Tara." Dr. Meyers replied.

"Jackson, I know that you've been wanting to know what I did with Bryan."

"Yes I do. I have to know so that I can move forward with my life." Jackson said as he felt his stomach turn into a giant knot.

Tara wiped her eyes and took a few deep breaths.

"OK. Please don't interrupt me or ask me any questions while I'm talking. After I'm finished talking, you can ask me anything you want but please let me get everything out."

"I make no promises Tara. You lost any courtesy from me when you cheated."

"A lot of what I'm going to say, might not make a whole lot of sense now, but it was how I felt at the time. I want you to know that I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am that this happened. I swear to God that I'll spend the rest of my life doing every single thing I can to make it up to you, if you give me that chance. I love you more than anything in this world. I love you more than you'll ever truly know." Tara said, taking more deep breaths and wiping her eyes.

Jackson just continued to look at Tara.

"When I had my miscarriage, I was devastated. I felt like a failure. I felt like I was only half a woman. I felt like I wouldn't be able to be what you wanted me to be, because I was scared that I wouldn't be able to give you children, like you wanted. After I came home, those feelings just kept getting worse and worse. I know that depression after a miscarriage can be normal. Before I knew it, I didn't even want to get out of bed. I had to force myself to get up and do things. The times that we made love, eventually I would end up being terrified that that if I ended up becoming pregnant again, I'd have another miscarriage."

Dr. Meyers noticed that Jackson's hands were bleeding from his fists being so tight as he listened to Tara talk. She got up and handed him some tissues to stop the bleeding. Tara just kept looking straight at Jackson. Her eyes never left his eyes, and his eyes never left her eyes.

"Thinking that way made me even more depressed, and I knew that I was pushing you away but I couldn't think of a way out of it. The longer it went on, the worse it got. It was like being stuck in mental quicksand. When you and my family started begging me to see a counselor, I felt that you thought that I was crazy, and it made me feel even less than a person. Like I was just a horribly ugly woman who couldn't have children and I couldn't stop pushing you away, even though I could tell that you were trying to help me."

Tara took a drink of water from a bottle on a side table next to her. Jackson stood up and threw the bloody tissues in the trash. Tara and Dr. Meyers could see tears on his face when he sat back down. He looked right back at Tara. Tara took a few more tissues out of a box then looked right back at Jackson and continued, much to Dr. Meyers surprise.

"That brings us to Bryan. Bryan really was a client from work. We did a project together that ended a few months before I had my miscarriage. About a week after I had gone back to work, I had a breakdown and started crying uncontrollably. I was hiding in a closet when Bryan heard me and came inside. He asked me what was wrong. I was crying so hard that I couldn't even talk. I was barely even able to breathe, so he stayed with me until I calmed down. He took me to lunch at a restaurant, where he had a private booth he ate in every day. I don't know exactly why, maybe I was desperate to get everything off my chest, but I told him everything."

Tara wiped her eyes and blew her nose. She tossed them into the trash, got more tissues and continued.

"Bryan just kept saying that he understood and after I finally finished telling him everything, he told me that he was always available as someone to talk to. After that day, he and I would go to lunch once a week and we'd just talk. That was all. We just talked."

Dr. Meyers again noticed how Jackson never took his eyes off of Tara. Even when she would look away or wipe her eyes, he was focused solely on her and what Tara was saying. Dr. Meyers felt a small glimmer of hope for a brief moment, while Tara continued talking.

"When you left to go on that work trip, I really needed someone to be with me, and when my sister called, and insisted that I go with them, I finally broke down and agreed. I drove over to meet them at their house, and we all went together in Bob's car."

"We hadn't been at the country club very long when Bryan showed up. I didn't plan it. I didn't know he was going. I didn't know that he was even a member. He asked me to dance, and I agreed. After a few dances, he walked me back to the table that Bill had reserved, and I invited him to sit with us. My sister was not happy about it. I continued to drink and was having a good time. By eleven o'clock I was smashed and continued to dance with Bryan."

"I don't remember a lot about the rest of the night. I remember being with Bryan a lot of the time, and Patricia coming out to tell me that it was time for everyone to leave and go home. I do remember Bryan kissing me at some point. I don't even remember going to my sister's house afterwards. I remember when I woke up the next morning, she lit into me. She was telling me that I was an idiot to be cheating on you and acting like a complete slut at such a big party with people that we all knew. It was embarrassing to her and Bill, myself and most importantly to you.

Tara was sobbing again and wiped her eyes. She took another drink of water to calm herself.

"She said that I better get my act together and start acting like a loving wife again. I realized on the way home that she was right. I really did try my best to seem happy and loving again. I know it didn't last for long but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't seem to hold it together any longer. It was a week after the party at the club, that Bryan called me up and invited me to lunch. It turned out to be a picnic. He'd gotten some pasta and a bottle of wine from his favorite restaurant. It was relaxing and he was saying all the right things and the next thing I knew, we were kissing, he fingered me, and I gave him a handjob.

With that confession from Tara, Jackson got up and slammed the office door behind him. Tara broke down crying harder, while Dr. Meyers ran to the door to catch him. Her receptionist was blocking the lobby door. Dr. Meyers walked up to Jackson.

"You said you wanted to know so that you could start moving forward with your life Jackson. You knew this wouldn't be easy, but I never thought that you'd run away from this moment like a coward."

Jackson spun around and glared at Dr. Meyer. She could feel the anger and hurt and a small part of her was scared, so she took a step back.

"You listen real god damn good Carol."

Dr. Meyers suddenly felt like a child again. He had first named her. It had been a long time since someone had done that to her. She could feel pure anger radiating out of Jackson, as he spoke to her.

"You don't know shit about me or how I'm feeling. So take your ass back in your office and leave me alone right now."

Dr. Meyers steeled herself and spoke softly to him.

"Come back in and give yourself the closure you need to move forward. You've seen the progress that Tara has made as well. Getting all of this out in the open is the best thing for both of you, and I think you're smart enough to understand that."

Jackson looked at Dr. Meyers. She felt like his eyes were looking straight through her and into her soul. She saw him breathing hard.

"I'll be in shortly." he told her.

Dr. Meyers nodded and walked back into her office. Tara had her feet up on the couch and her head in her arms crying. She sat down beside her and patted her on the shoulder.

"You are doing great Tara. When Jackson comes back in, I want you to continue telling him everything. It's working for both of you. I can see it."

"He's really coming back?" Tara asked.

"Yes he is."

"I have to admit, I do feel better saying all of this out loud." Tara said as she sniffled and wiped the tears from her eyes.

Jackson walked back in. Dr. Meyers got up and took her place back in her chair. He sat back down on the couch.

"OK Tara, please continue." Dr. Meyers said.

Tara took some breaths to steady herself and continued.

"Afterwards the guilt was almost completely overwhelming, and my depression got worse. It seemed like I just couldn't get away from Bryan. Every time I saw him after that lunch, I felt more and more guilty. The guiltier I felt, the worse my depression got. It got so bad that I was barely even able to function at work and at home. By the time you caught us together at the restaurant, I'd already given him a few blowjobs. I never let him cum in my mouth and swallow though Jackson."

"That day you saw us at the Marriott was the first time that we'd ever gone to a hotel. I'm certain that I would've given him a blowjob, and I know that he wanted to have sex. I can honestly say that I did not and would not have had sex with him, because I was scared of getting pregnant again. I know it doesn't make sense but I didn't want to betray you that way. Sex was only something for you."